A Wilderland
by phoegurl
Summary: Bella Swan has a destiny. A hunter of the dark, she was always meant for the world they tried to rip away from her. When her past refuses to stay past she finds herself in the fight for her life. AU-New Moon. Things have changed.
1. Chapter 1

Just to say I am not Stephenie Meyer. I'm just having fun making Bella badass.

The girl walked heavily down the dark and empty street, the makeup on her face causing her skin to feel as though it were cracking apart. She kept her dark eyes trained o o n the pavement, her black-painted lips set in a deep frown. The wind snuck into her coat, causing her to wrap her arms around herself tightly as though she were trying to hold herself together.

It was past midnight and she knew she shouldn't be out alone – the shadows caused by the flickering street lights made her anxious. She should have just taken a taxi home, but money was painfully tight and it was a case of get a lift or eat for a week. Then again, food didn't really matter much if you got killed in the middle of the night walking home from a club.

It wasn't even as if the night had been worth it. A friend of a friend had heard about this 'totally awesome' band represented by someone's roommate's brother. She liked a little cathartic musical screaming every now and then, but she had expected to hear at least some modicum of musical talent. Even she knew more chords than the lead guitarist.

And now she had a choice: take another half hour walking home through the streets of Brooklyn, or cut that time in half by taking a shortcut she knew through potentially psycho-infested alleyways.

She rubbed her eyes, smudging the melodramatic eyeliner even more.

"Fucking idiot," she muttered before throwing herself rather decisively into the dark path to her right.

Shaking, she stumbled and nearly twisted her ankle on a half-empty beer can. She hissed as her hand scraped the wall, tearing away skin and marking the brick with her blood.

"I often wonder how your species has managed to live so long."

The girl gasped as the icy voice slid down her spine. She had never heard such a cold voice before-so devoid of any human emotion. She turned and saw a figure separate itself from the darkness ahead of her.

"Have you no sense of self-preservation? You must have watched a movie or two–ssss urely you know that little girls walking alone down dark alleyways at night never come out the other end. Maybe that's why you came down here."

The girl stumbled back a few steps and the figure mirrored her movements, coming to stand right in front of her with unnatural speed.

"Please," she whimpered. "I don't have much money, b, ut you can have it. Please, just don't hurt me."

Through the darkness she could see the creature's lips curve into a humourless smile. It was a man: a completely beautiful man with high cheekbones and sculptured jaw. He reached out a hand to her and she felt a thrill of excitement-and fear-at the feel of his icy touch.

"You don't want me to hurt you?" he murmured, almost sympathetically. "I think you do. Why else would you be here alone at this time of night? Your despair is written all over your face: your dark eyes, painted skin, and ripped clothing. You are screamingbu but but no one can hear you." He leaned his face toward her and breathed into her mouth. She felt her body melt at the taste of him on her tongue. "I can hear you," he whispered, his lips brushing against her jaw. "Let me make the pain go away."

A strange sound erupted from the small girl, making the creature pause as he breathed in her delicious scent. Her body was shaking uncontrollably and odd snorting sounds were spilling from her mouth. She was ... laughing?

"I'm sorry," he said, completely bewildered. "Is something funny?"

At this, the girl burst into loud peals of laughter.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she muttered through her mirth. "I tried to keep it together, I really did." Her laughter slowed until only sporadic giggles escaped. "But seriously, dude, 'Let me make the pain go away?' Are you _trying_ to be a cliché?"

The vampire stepped back to stare at the girl before him. She was wiping tears from her eyes, streaking black lines of makeup into her hairline. "Excuse me?"

"I mean, I totally get it now. Your M.O-why you go after the emo kids. You obviously feel some kind of affiliation with them. Maybe instead of killing them you should go get some coffee and talk about ... oh, I don't know, how your life is a black abyss. Are you suffocating under the weight of a thousand souls?"

"Wh..." The creature floundered. The girl had somehow managed to escape his grasp during her little monologue, and he wasn't sure he could remember when it had h h appened. Now she was standing a few feet away from him, staring up at him with huge eyes. "What are you talking about?"

The girl grinned apologetically and he couldn't help but think she was playing with him. He started to get frustrated.

"Oh, I apologize," she said, rather more solemnly than before. "I tend to talk too much when I'm about to be killed by a vampire. Would you rather I just shut up? I want to make this a pleasant experience for you."

He stared at her. _How did she know?_

"Shall I just stand here like this? Would you like me to scream a little? Beg a bit more? You seemed to like that before-a girl knows these things."

The vampire bared his teeth and let out a menacing growl that reverberated deep in his chest. The girl shivered.

"Oooh, that was scary. Do it again."

The vampire pounced.

He didn't even see her move, but suddenly his hands were grasping at nothing but air. He spun around, disoriented, to see her standing in the middle of the alley, staring at him expectantly.

He lunged once more, and again she moved–fffaster than any human had a right to. He felt her hand grip his wrist painfully tight and then found himself on the floor, a knee digging into his back and the tiny bones of her hand flexing against his skin.

"So we're done with the talking?" she asked in a hard voice. A sick crunching sound–like a stone being wrenched in two-fll-ffilled the alleyway as she pulled the vampire's arm from his shoulder. He let out a high, keening shriek. "The screaming is always more fun anyway."

The vampire pushed hard against the ground, throwing the girl high into the air. Falling in a crumpled heap on the floor, she jumped immediately to her feet and threw the twitching limb away from her.

The blows that came after happened too quickly for the human eye. The vampire threw a punch that the girl dodged; she ducked down to lay a devastating strike to his stomach, causing him to stagger back. As he floundered, she delivered a shattering kick to his head, throwing him against the wall which cracked and crumbled under the force.

She dove after him but he turned around quickly, swiping her feet from under her. He flew on top of her and reached for her neck. His fingers closed around her throat and for a moment she panicked, bucking against him, scrabbling ineffectually against his hand.

"How are you doing this?" He asked, eyes blazing as his thumb pressed impossibly tighter against her windpipe. "You should be breaking, but still you fight."

Quickly shaking off her panic she curled his hand around the knuckle of his thumb and twisted. His eyes widened as she pulled his hand away from her, his power lost in a mere moment by a basic grip. Taking advantage of his shock, she threw a punch to his sharp jaw that caused him to fall back. Scrabbling after him, she dealt blow after blow to his beautiful face, and when she felt him weakening, without a moment's hesitation or doubt, she knelt on his chest, placed her hands against the sides of his head, and pulled.

The red eyes still saw her and the teeth were still bared, even after his head had been separated from his body. The body itself still struggled against her weight and the arm that was still attached dealt a glancing blow to her side.

She stood up heavily, ripping the limbs from his body in a rather routine fashion. Making sure that all of the vampire's body parts were a good distance from each other, she removed a sachet of green powder from her pocket and sprinkled some on the ground.

"Getting low," she muttered to herself.

Removing a box of matches that had the name 'Irene's Bar' written in cursive on the side, she struck one and threw it onto the ground.

The powder erupted in a roaring blaze, causing her to take a few staggering steps back. Hurriedly-before some tattle-t-t ale phoned the police to report her for arson again-she gathered the vampire's body parts and tossed them into the fire.

Locating the head after briefly losing it in the dark shadows of the wall, she lifted it by the hair to throw it unceremoniously into the flames thereby destroying it forever.

"Who are you?" A weak voice murmured.

A little freaked out–sssshe would never get used to animated, decapitated heads-she looked into the vampire's terrified crimson eyes and smiled.

"I'm Bella Swan," she said darkly. "Say hi to the others down there for me."

The head ignited with a burst of green light, illuminating her small figure as she ran into the darkness.


	2. A Day in the Life

"Did you get him?"

Bella threw her keys onto the table by the front door and scoffed.

"Girl, please. Think before you ask silly questions."

Bella navigated the pile of shoes in the doorway, kicking some aside so she could close the door to the apartment. Slipping out of her dirty black sneakers, she made her way to the tiny kitchen where her roommate waited for her.

"What was I thinking?" Diane asked in her comforting Southern drawl. "And not even a scratch on you. B, you do me proud."

Bella sat down at the grimy patio table that took up almost the entirety of their tiny kitchen. The plastic chair squeaked under her weight, but she ignored it like she ignored all the unhealthy sounds that their apartment made. Harder to ignore was the odd smell that had permeated the place since she had first moved in–like smoke and mold–but even that smell had come to cause her comfort. Strange and unpleasant as this place was, it was the safest haven she could imagine. Though, that might have had more to do with the woman sitting across the table pushing a couple slices of toast toward her with a small grin.

"Di, you are a goddess," Bella announced before pouncing on the small offering with indecent enthusiasm.

"So what happened?" Diane asked, scratching loose a piece of green plastic from the table top, acting as though she hadn't wandered alone for most of the night, trying not to think about how her friend might not be coming back.

Bella shrugged. "The usual. Messed with its head a bit and then ... well, messed with its head a bit." She shivered slightly. "It talked to me just when I was going to throw it on the fire. That shit always gives me the creeps."

"What did it say?"

Bella made her eyes go wide and frightened and gasped, rather melodramatically: "'_Who are you_?'" She chuckled lightly. "I never know what to say when they ask stupid things like that. Like they will be able to do anything with that information."

Diane grinned widely, showing the gap in her teeth that they were still saving up to fix, six weeks after the fight. "I generally go with, 'I am Diane Knox. See you in Hell.' Can't beat the classics. What did you say?"

Bella scrunched up her nose. "I said, 'I am Bella Swan. Say hi to the others down there for me.'

Diane laughed loudly, before she remembered the neighbors and their penchant to complain at the tiniest noise after ten o'clock. "Not very catchy, is it? I thought you were good with off-the-hand quips."

"Well," Bella started defensively, "I thought about the 'see you in Hell' thing but the guy had used up the cliché quota for the month, and I just couldn't find it in me to say it. Is it possible to respond to a question like that without sounding like you're in a cheesy B movie about ninja warrior princesses?"

Diane frowned and smiled at the same time, making her features look as though they had been squashed together. "Ninja warrior princesses? Did you take something at that club?"

Bella sighed deeply, rubbing her hands over her face and feeling the flaking makeup that caked her skin. "Apparently I'm not on my game tonight. I'm going to wipe this crap off my face and call it a night." She stood up and heard the chair groan in relief. "I'm going to the garage early in the morning, and then I'll be at the restaurant for the rest of the day. I'll be back around eight."

"Bring dinner!"

Bella made her way to the washroom, wincing slightly at the suspicious black patch that had insinuated itself on the wall by the sink. The dirtiness of the apartment never failed to bring her down, but no matter how hard she tried, this place never looked clean. She remembered Charlie's kitchen back in Forks, which she had always kept spotless, and the little lights that reflected off the perfect white porcelain bathroom suite. Of course, back then she actually had time to keep everything shiny and new. Now she barely had enough time for a cursory wipe over before she passed out at the end of the day.

She didn't want to sound ungrateful or unhappy. She had been extremely lucky getting this apartment and unbelievably fortuitous in getting Diane as her roommate. Although she had a habit of leaving dirty clothes all over the apartment–and she meant _all _over, once Bella found one of Diane's bras in the food processor–Diane was pretty neat and generally a pretty awesome person.

Diane had lived in this apartment for four years before her partner died and Bella got posted to New York. She worked in a police station, taking calls and generally being as nosy as possible so that they could find out about any suspicious activities in the city. Diane took her work very seriously. She may harbor a small hero complex, but she was a damn good fighter, and Bella couldn't think of anyone she'd rather have guarding her back in a fight.

Wiping off as much of the makeup as she could–but reserved to the fact that she would wake up in the morning with giant panda eyes regardless–Bella made her way to her bedroom, squeezed out of her clothes in the little space by the door and collapsed on her bed, hoping that she would pass out quickly so that she may be coherent for work in the morning.

Her sleep was never perfect, but she woke up in the morning as fresh as she was ever going to be. Flashes of dreams and memories worried her at night, and she often woke up gasping and trying not to call out in a black room tinged with the light from the orange street lamp that permeated her window: if she couldn't resist the impulse, Diane would come into her room with a glass of water and just sit there with her until she calmed down. Bella did the same whenever it happened to Diane. They never talked about their nightmares, but they had a shared understanding that they were probably about the same things.

Diane was still asleep when Bella woke up and she tried to make as little noise as possible, but the old pipes groaned and rattled like a ghost in the attic when she wheedled some hot water through them. After quickly dressing in worn-out black jeans and an oversized black and red sweater, she grabbed a slice of bread, spread some butter on it and shoved it in her mouth on the way out the door.

Nalo's Auto Repair shop was in the Mott Haven section of the Bronx, a good thirty-two stops and two subway transfers from her apartment. Nalo only ever asked for Bella's help when they were really busy, or when one of her usual team was sick–which wasn't that often–but Bella took any chance she could to go visit the tiny, ramshackle business.

"Bella! Get over here." Bella followed the voice to a nice ass bending over perhaps the most beautiful car she had ever seen.

"Be still my beating heart!" Bella gasped, clutching her chest and staring at the car with what might be pure lust.

"Stop staring at my butt and get yours over here."

Bella practically skipped over to the car and bent down so that her nose was nearly touching the cream colored metal.

"Is this an MG A Twin Cam?" Bella asked, resisting the sudden urge to lick the paint.

"Yes it is," Nalo said, standing up and casting Bella a stern if somewhat amused glare. "It's very expensive, and the owner wants it back by tomorrow and I have absolute no idea what is wrong with it." Nalo wiped a hand across her forehead, leaving a streak of grease in its wake.

"Why did the owner bring it in?" Bella muttered.

"He said it's making a god awful noise when he goes over Forty and a couple of times it didn't even start."

Bella finally tore her eyes from the car and settled on Nalo's large brown ones. Nalo was a beautiful woman with a body that made Bella hate her just a little bit: tall and strong, Nalo had big breasts, wide hips and a small waist. Her hair was cut very short, but Bella could see how wild it would be it she let it be long, which made her cheekbones look like they could cut glass. Her skin was flawless and beautifully dark, so dark that Bella could hardly make out the black grease stain marking her forehead. In other words, Nalo was exactly Diane's type; it was just a shame that Nalo was married.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" Nalo asked.

"I think I read something about the Twin Cam," Bella murmured, biting her lip. "When it first came out, this engine sort of gained a reputation–really unreliable. I think ... there was piston crown erosion because of a vibration-induced lean burn situation involving the float bowls. They fixed it easy enough by flexibly mounting the carburettors. But if we have a look ..." Bella leaned over the beautiful cast iron engine block and quickly found a carburettor. "Aha! See? Some dumbass has changed the mounting for the carburettor. Probably at its last service. Fucking idiots. This thing is about as inflexible as a chastity belt."

Nalo gave Bella a look that made her heart swell in her chest.

"How in God's green earth did you know that?"

Bella tried to turn her outright grin into something a little more modest.

"The Twin Cam is my all-time favorite car," she admitted, touching the hood with her fingertips. "I learned everything I could about it."

"You're really getting to know your stuff, Bella," Nalo said admiringly. "If you keep saving my ass like this, I'm going to start thinking you're a superhero."

Before Bella had time to do more than blush, a booming voice called out, "Did someone say superhero?"

Nalo's smile grew even wider as her husband seized hold of Bella and squeezed her until she almost couldn't breathe.

Arthur was a huge man, in both height and girth, next to whom Bella felt like a child. It was hard to imagine that this giant, bald headed, magnificently bearded man was once saved by the tiny girl he crushed to his chest in his wife's garage.

"Geroffme," Bella mumbled into Arthur's shirt, pushing him away with a strength that made him stagger.

Regaining his balance, Arthur regaled Bella with a cheery smile, the hint of which she could spy through his auburn beard.

"La mia bella donna," Arthur said in an absolutely terrible Italian accent as he tucked Bella under his armpit and squeezed her tightly into his side. "What are you doing here? Has my beautiful wife given you a job yet?"

Bella saw Nalo's face fall slightly and felt embarrassed.

"Bella..."

"Don't even say it, Nalo," Bella interrupted, poking Arthur in the back lightly in punishment for being insensitive.

"You know I wish I could..."

"I know," Bella said firmly, wishing that this awkward moment would end. "I _know_. You would if you could, but you can't; I get it." Realizing that she had unintentionally sounded a bit bratty, Bella quickly continued, "Seriously, you have done me such a huge favor letting me do little bits and pieces here like you have. I have learned so much from you. So much. Okay?"

Nalo smiled with half her mouth. "If you say so. Still doesn't seem a real fair trade; you saving my husband's life in exchange for a few lessons in mechanics."

Bella laughed, happy to feel the atmosphere begin to lighten again. "It's the most I've got out of the deal so far. Well, that and a criminal record. It's really a close call."

Arthur shook Bella's shoulder lightly. "How can killing vampires get you a criminal record? You'd think the police would want someone doing their dirty work."

Bella pulled herself away from Arthur, getting uncomfortably hot tucked against his meaty side. She heard feet approaching the side door and lowered her voice. "Most people don't know about vampires–_especially_ the police. It's more the bright green fires roaring down side alleys that they get angry about."

Nalo smirked. "Well, now I definitely can't give you a job. I can't have an arsonist near all my pretty cars now, can I?"

Bella grinned back but stopped herself from saying something that undoubtedly would have been witty and biting when Mal, Jim and Claude slumped into the garage. Bella had only met them a number of times, but she had learned quickly that they were not morning people. She only got a few grunted "yeah"s to her chirpy, "good morning, lads!"

Bella turned back to Nalo with a slight shrug. "Was there anything else you needed my expertise in?"

Again, Nalo looked slightly embarrassed. "No, sorry. I really thought the MG A would take a lot longer to figure out. Leave it to you to get it straight away."

"What can I say, I'm just that awesome. Call me anytime," she said to Nalo, trying not to look desperate. She didn't want to make Nalo feel guilty about the lack of work she could offer Bella, but at the same time she wanted to work here so badly she often daydreamed about Mal winning the lottery so he wouldn't work there anymore. Why it was always Mal, and why she didn't fantasize about winning the lottery herself were things Bella tried not to think about too much.

She left the garage a few minutes later, tucking the fifty dollars that Nalo bullied her into taking–not that it wasn't much appreciated, and needed. Bella wondered what do to with the three hours she had free before her shift at the restaurant started. Cafe Chalmun was a small French cafe/restaurant in Noho which prided itself in its "authentic" cuisine, tortured soul artwork and smelly candles that gave Bella headaches. Everything was ridiculously expensive and the customers were excruciatingly rude, but the tips were damn good and Jeff the chef always made something for her to take home at the end of the day.

She normally worked all day, from nine o'clock when it opened to seven o'clock, when she'd take her spoils to Diane with whom she'd eat and plot their next vampire entrapment. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had as much as three hours of time completely on her own. She didn't know what to do with herself.

She could go home and clean. She _should_ go home and clean. But then again, she could go to the library. Oh god, the library. She hadn't been to one, hadn't even read a book in ... well, months. The idea of reading made Bella's muscles feel like they'd been replaced with warm water. She could find time to clean later, who knew when she'd have enough time to read again.

So Bella hopped on the subway to make the long and winding journey to the New York Public Library branch in Nolita. The building was a converted candy factory, which for some reason made Bella even happier. The main adult reading room and stacks were in the cavernous boiler room. This was definitely better than cleaning.

Bella loved New York, but she often found herself missing the space of Forks. Everything was so close here. Being cramped in that tiny apartment all night, then getting on the often crowded subway, then winding herself around the tiny "intimate" tables of Cafe Chalmun, Bella never felt as though she was getting enough air in her lungs.

But this room…wow, she could definitely breathe deeply in this room. The smell of books, wood polish and dust made Bella want to giggle.

She wandered over to a random stack of books and just ran her hand across the spines. She picked one out, read the blurb, decided it looked too Harlequin-romance and put it back. She eventually found a story that sounded interesting and curled up in an agonizingly comfortable armchair. The start was promising, and she was just starting to be intrigued by the two girls' odd behavior when a bizarre howl erupted from somewhere in the room.

Bella looked around suspiciously, wondering who–or what–was making that odd noise. It stopped as abruptly as it started, only to be replaced by a heavy drumbeat driving a tune that sounded really familiar...

Swearing under her breath, Bella struggled to find her cell phone in her knapsack, containing her work clothes and a pair of comfortable, yet fancy, shoes.

Finally finding it and shooting a deeply apologetic look at the disgruntled library worker, Bella flipped her phone open. "Wait a second." She hissed, not even looking to see who it was she had answered.

Bella quickly rushed into the washroom before pressing the phone once more to her ear.

"Hello?" She hoped desperately that it wasn't Lynne, her boss at Chalmun. She got really angry if she ever thought a lowly waitress was disrespecting her authority.

"B?" Bella breathed a sigh of relief at the sound of Diane's voice. "What are you doing? Is something wrong?"

"No, everything's fine; I'm at the library. What's up?"

"I overheard a very interesting call at the station today," Diane said in a quiet voice. "Sounds like something we'd be interested in."

"God, another one already?" Bella groaned and instantly felt bad about complaining. "So what do the police think? Another emo-vamp wannabe?" That was nearly always what they put it down to, even though they had never caught one.

Diane chuckled darkly. "Not this time; at the moment they're a little distracted by the other things."

"Other things? What other things?"

"Look, B I've got to go; I don't want to get caught talking to you about this. I'll tell you all about it tonight. I just wanted to warn you we've got another player in town, and this one's a sick bastard."

Bella sighed deeply and squeezed her eyes shut. This is what she got for thinking she could have time for herself. "Ten-four. We'll meet at base at twenty hundred hours. Over and out."

"See you later, weirdo."

Bella shut her phone and opened her eyes to watch herself in the mirror. Her earlier good mood had been eradicated from her face and she wished she didn't look so sad, or tired. She rubbed at the frown lines between her eyebrows and briefly wondered whether normal twenty-five-year-olds had permanent frown lines. Then again she wasn't normal, and her life wasn't normal–hadn't been for a long time – and comparing her life to someone, anyone else was pretty fucking pointless.

Suddenly frustrated at herself, Bella met her reflection's eyes angrily. "Stop whining about it, you pansy-assed bitch." Shocked at her own language, Bella rather belatedly checked the other stalls for anyone (specifically small children) and gingerly regained her place at the mirror after she had made sure no one else was there.

"Sure, you have some frown lines, so what? You're a freaking superhero! Would you really trade what you have now for a normal life? You're really fast, awesomely strong, and you know martial arts moves that would make Bruce Lee cry with jealousy. More than that, you save lives, and you do it with style. How many people would be dead if you didn't do what you do? Exactly. So you're going to stop talking to yourself, go read a goddamned book, earn some money, take home some really yummy food to your best friend, and you're going to figure out how to take down this psycho vamp before he hurts more people. Got it? Good!"

It had been a long time since Bella had given herself a pep-talk, but she definitely felt much better. She powered through the rest of the day on a motivational high, even finding it in herself to be polite to the evil customer who screamed at her for getting her order wrong. Bella didn't get it wrong; she knew it–bitch just changed her mind when time came to eat it. Bella could see it in the triumphant glint in her beady blue eyes.

It was with no small amount of relief that Bella finally made it back to their apartment in Brooklyn, Jeff the chef's special lasagne carried with a delicacy that would have been appropriate for a bomb.

Diane stole the box almost before Bella had made it through the door and haphazardly threw it in the microwave, staring at the container full of godly food turn rather jerkily in the magic box that makes things go hot.

"It's nice to see you too, Di," Bella said in a voice that dripped sarcasm. "How was my day? It was pretty good actually, thank you for asking. I solved a very difficult car whodunit at Nalo's and then read nine whole chapters of a book at the library. But enough about me, honey, how are you?"

"That smart mouth of yours is not amusing when I've gone through the entire day on a bag of chips and a Pop-Tart," Diane said in a tight voice.

"What flavored Pop-Tart?"

"Cinnamon roll."

"Nice."

Bella busied herself with getting water, plates and cutlery–seeing as Diane was totally engrossed in the microwave. When the lasagne was heated just enough to be acceptable, Diane ripped it out. What followed next could best be described as a frenzy.

When the air was settled, the two fighters sat back with a satisfied sigh, followed by a painful moan emanating from the long abused chairs. They caught each other's eyes, and Di finally smiled.

"I know you hate it, but seriously, B, I love your job."

Bella grinned. "It certainly has its perks."

They sat in a comfortable silence for as long as they could before they felt guilty for not addressing the elephant in the room.

"So," Bella said reluctantly. "Tell me about the big bad."

"First things first," Diane said, walking into the living room. Bella followed to find her standing beside a large whiteboard. "Would you please do the honors, Miss Swan?"

The board took up the space that the couch did not occupy, turning the living room more into a hallway connecting the kitchen to their bedrooms. It was divided up into three large sections, headed in thick black marker with, "V-36," "V-39"and "V-40." Beneath each was as much information they had on each vampire they hunted: physical appearance, victims, locations of bodies found, areas they were known to frequent, and in the case of V-40, favorite Hammer Horror movies.

Bella ceremoniously held the eraser aloft whilst Diane sang "Auld Lang Syne" in a very somber voice. When Bella finally wiped all traces of V-39 from the board, Diane broke her propriety by whooping loudly.

"What about thirty-six?" Bella asked, scrunching her nose at the board. "He hasn't been around in a while–e's probably skipped town. Should we wipe him off too?"

"We'll leave him on until the next one comes along. They always do."

Bella threw herself dramatically onto the couch and covered her eyes with her arm. "Go on then," she said petulantly. "Tell me all about V-41. I'm _dying_ to know."

All traces of humor dropped from Diane's face. "Well, first off–and this is just me guessing from the little I've found out so far ... I think I've got a name."

This made Bella sit up. "A name?"

"I think so." Diane bit her lip. "Kahled Kaldas. Nineteen years old, Indian parentage, reported missing two weeks ago. He went to work and never came home. A week later his family was found dead in their house in Queens. The mother and two brothers had been drained completely, but the father...well, Kahled didn't drain him...completely."

Bella cringed. "So you think we've got two vamps wandering around? Father and son?"

"No, Bella, the father was dead. His body was found at the scene of the crime as well."

Bella frowned. "Explain more."

Diane did not look like she wanted to explain more, but she pushed on. "He was partway through a change, probably about two days going from the forensic report. They had to get a diamond saw to hack his chest open to perform the autopsy. Kahled had bitten him, kept him quiet for two days through the change, and then decapitated him."

"Fuck," Bella muttered in shock. "How did we not hear about this before?"

Diane shifted awkwardly. "We kind of did. We put it down to Forty, because he likes families so much – or maybe he doesn't like families, I don't know. I didn't look at the report closely enough to see about the father. I'm so sorry, B."

Bella shook her head. "No, don't be silly. You know it's not your fault. You said there was another body found today? What makes you think it's Kahled?"

"Same pattern: Indian man, late fifties, early sixties, partially drained, kept in an abandoned house for two days and then decapitated."

"Fuck," Bella said again, because she felt it needed repeating. "This is seriously fucked up."

"I know."

"No, I mean this is seriously fucked up." Bella stood up and ran her hands through her hair as if she was trying to claw her way inside her head. "You know what this means? We've got a newborn vampire, super strong and apparently super psycho, with enough restraint to stop drinking partway through a kill: have you ever heard of anything like that before?"

"Newborns are normally out of control," Diane said, realization dawning and making her eyes go wide with panic. "They're easy to deal with because they just go into a frenzy."

"To which apparently, this one is completely immune."

They stood there staring at each other, allowing the situation to weigh down upon them. Although they were preternaturally strong and fast, Bella and Diane both knew that they were neither as fast nor strong as an ordinary vampire, let alone a newborn. They kept a hair's breath away from death in every fight by tricks and feints and training that had been drilled into them for three years in the place that they shared nightmares about. Even the weakest vampire could be the end of them, any time, if they made the slightest mistake or gave the smallest opening. Kahled was not the weakest vampire. Not by a long shot.

"I'll phone Charlie and tell him I can't come home this weekend," Bella announced, breaking the awful silence. "I can't leave here now."

Diane shook her head rather aggressively. "No, B, you need to go home. How else are we going to get that wicked vamp powder? And anyway, you deserve a break. It's only a few days; I can deal."

"I really don't want to leave you alone now," Bella argued. "If I go, you have to at least promise not to go patrolling on your own. I don't think this is going to be a one person job."

"How about this," Diane tried to compromise. "I'll wander around Brooklyn looking for Forty. By the looks of it, Kahled is sticking to Queens for the time being. It'll probably come to nothing anyway–I've been on Forty's ass for three weeks now and still nothing."

Bella smiled weakly. "You'll get him soon. Okay, fine, but no going into Queens for any reason whatsoever, got it?"

Diane held up three fingers in a Scout salute. "On my honor."

"You were never a Girl Scout, were you?" Bella asked suspiciously.

Diane smiled cheekily. "I will never tell. But I _will_ tell you that I'm wiped and I'm going to sleep. 'Night, B."

"'Night, Di."

Bella fell into bed moments later, feeling guilty for not brushing her teeth but not enough to actually get up and do it. The threat of Kahled's violence weighed her down onto the bed, promising dark dreams that night.

Resigned, Bella closed her eyes and lay helpless as she became lost in an infinity of mountains, stone, and eyes as red as blood.


	3. There's No Place Like Home

**Disclaimer: I am definitely not Stephenie Meyer and so do not own anything you recognize. Seriously, I'd tell you.**

**A/N: Last chapter before the shit hits the fan. Poor Bella, she really has no clue what's going to happen to her. Let's enjoy a moment of peace before I screw her over.**

Bella watched the rain falling outside of Seattle airport and marvelled at how little things could change even when everything had changed. Here she was in Seattle, waiting for her father to pick her up, hearing the rain fall, feeling nervous and tired from the long journey. It was as if she was seventeen again, and that thought made her feel even more anxious.

She hadn't been to Forks or seen Charlie in over a year. Work and lack of money always kept her on her side of the country. She found herself missing him quite often, wondering what he was doing, how he was managing alone. She missed the comfortable silences they shared and his careful voice when he finally broke it.

However, she definitely didn't miss the police cruiser, which she saw pulling up outside the airport. And she certainly didn't miss the awkward hugs that they felt forced to share when they saw each other. Neither of them were particularly good at showing affection without being overwhelmed with embarrassment.

"Wow," Charlie said when they let each other go, his cheeks slightly pink. "That's some grip you've got on you, Bells."

Bella smiled sheepishly. "It's nice to see you, dad."

"It's nice to see you, too." Charlie coughed into his moustache. "Let's get going then."

They settled into the cruiser and Bella had to bite her tongue before she let out some quip about it being nice to sit in the front seat of one of these things for a change. She didn't doubt that, being the police chief of Forks, her father checked up on her illegal activities, but she didn't want to have that conversation just yet.

Bella took the long silence to watch her father out of the corner of her eye. He looked older–the lines around his eyes and mouth had deepened considerably since they had last met. She wondered what he had been smiling so much about to mark it into his skin. His glorious moustache was just starting to go grey, but Bella decided that the aging hairs just made him look more dignified. His hands were tapping on the steering wheel to a song he must have been singing in his head. He looked happy.

"So, tell me what's been going on," Bella said, because she knew that if she asked outright, "what are you hiding from me?" she'd never get anything from him. Maybe she'd interrogate Jake later if Charlie didn't let it slip. "What's the news Forkside?"

Charlie looked at her askance. "Nothing much," he muttered. Oh, he was definitely hiding something. "Everyone's excited to see you. Jacob's been bugging Billy about it for weeks. Oh, and Angela's pregnant. Did you know about that?"

Bella gaped at him. "_Again_?" she cried. "Isn't this her third one? I think someone needs to introduce Mrs. Cheney to Mr. Condom."

It took Bella a moment to realise that she had said _condom_ in front of her dad, and another moment for her face to go bright red.

With respect to Charlie, he took it in his stride. "I think they're planning on creating a litter. Though, I've spotted her around town and I've never seen anyone happier."

Bella snorted. "If this is a hint that you want to be a grandpa, Charlie, I wouldn't hold your breath. I'm not exactly in the position to have progeny if you hadn't noticed."

Charlie fixed his eyes on the road with unnecessary intensity. "I know that. You can barely afford to look after yourself at the moment. It's not like...do you? Have a boyfriend?"

"No, I do not have a boyfriend."

"And you're being...careful?"

Bella's hand automatically went to the door handle of the car. "No! I mean, yes I am being careful...Godammit, Charlie. We're not even out of Seattle yet and you're asking about my sex life?"

Charlie huffed loudly. "I am certainly not asking about your...that. And I had to ask you now because last time I tried it you ran away."

"So you wanted to make sure I couldn't escape?" Bella covered her face in her hands. "I am twenty-five years old. You cannot be trying to have The Talk with your twenty-five year old daughter. That's just embarrassing for both of us."

Charlie's eyes had not moved from the SUV in front for the entire conversation. "I know...it's just you live so far away. How do I know you're looking after yourself? I never got the chance to talk to you about this stuff. How to be safe, how to take care of yourself alone in a city." Bella looked down at her lap. She couldn't explain the mixture of emotions that rose in her at Charlie's worry.

"You gave me all of those pepper sprays when I left," Bella said quietly.

Charlie chuckled, but it sounded forced. "I just worry about you, Bells. You could be doing anything in that city and I wouldn't know about it. I just want to make sure you're being safe."

"I know."

"So tell me about it," Charlie said, putting on an air of cheerfulness. "What are you getting up to in the Big Apple?"

Out of guilt, Bella told the truth as much as she could, even some of the unpleasant parts: the lack of money, the dirty apartment, the job she wanted so desperately but couldn't get. Part of her just wanted to tell him about what she was really doing in New York, but thankfully the rest of her knew that was just plain stupid.

Bella wasn't surprised that Charlie had brought up his concerns like this, even if it was completely out of character. She had really done a number on him in the last few years and although she knew it was all necessary, she still felt like shit about it.

First, there was the epic fail that had been her reaction to the Cullens leaving. For months she had played the role of zombie queen and she knew how much that had upset her father. Hell, it still upset her. She couldn't believe she had let them bring her down like that.

Then things had started to look up. She let Jacob help her out of her sad funk, riding the adrenaline wave in a misguided attempt to get her life back. Luckily, Charlie still didn't know about the motorcycles and the other moronic things she did to see and hear Edward again. That would have been another gold star for her in the 'Worst Daughter of the Decade Award.' She was finally starting to feel ever so slightly normal again, when everything started to change.

It began when she was goofing around with Jake in the garage. He had said something stupid and rude–she couldn't even remember what it was–and so she jokingly kicked him in the shin. She thought he was joking when he fell to the floor, swearing loudly and grabbing his leg. How could that possibly have hurt–he was a werewolf for Christ sakes. But it did hurt him. In fact, it she had caused him two hairline fractures on his tibia.

Confused and more than a little bit scared, Bella navigated the next two weeks with a twitchiness that would have made Jack Lemmon proud. If she didn't concentrate on everything all the time she undoubtedly broke something: her stationary, her clothes, her computer and–one nauseatingly embarrassing time–her bed. She was starting to drive herself crazy when Chia Huang came knocking.

Or rather, didn't come knocking. Bella came home from another painful day at school where she was afraid to touch anything or anyone, only to find a small Malaysian women standing in her kitchen.

She hadn't wanted to go at first. The idea of being trained to kill vampires had seemed too sick to even contemplate. How could she do that when she had known the Cullens–loved the Cullens? Sure, she was hurting, but she didn't want to go Kill Bill on their species.

But Huang was right about one thing at least–she needed help. Bella's strength kept growing and she had no idea how to restrain it. The possibility of hurting her friends and family escalated every day that she said no.

So she had lied to Charlie, _again_. Using the academy's ready-made excuse, Bella had told her dad that she had won an opportunity to be part of a charitable organisation in Nepal, building schools and encouraging sustainable farming communities.

She had told Charlie that she needed to do this, that being in Forks was not healthy for her, that she needed a fresh start, and that she wanted to be part of something bigger. He was _not_ happy. What about her education, her family, her future? Renee had proved a helpful ally, although she was upset that she'd lose her baby for three years. Bella had almost wished Renee wouldn't be so supportive, that someone would tie her down and prevent her from leaving. But leave she did, running away from a heartbroken and confused father.

The training camp in Nepal had been borderline torture, but Bella had found in it an unexpected calling. She had been introduced to a side of vampires that even James and his sadism hadn't shown her. The Cullens were an exception, not the rule, and she had no qualms about taking down every evil, soulless bloodsucker that got their jollies from butchering innocent people. Or, well, very few qualms.

"Bella?"

Bella looked around to see that they were already outside the house in Forks. She blinked a few times to get rid of the haze that had settled behind her eyes.

"Are you okay?"

Bella shook herself. "Yeah, I think I just checked out. I must be tired."

The house was the same way she'd left it, seven years ago. She climbed the stairs to her room, claiming that she wanted to lie down for an hour or two before dinner. The sight of her room made her chest ache. It was a memorial to the girl she had left behind years ago, one that she sometimes found herself missing.

Throwing her bag on the floor, Bella crossed her room, stepping on a squeaky floorboard that she ignored and fell down onto the bed. Wow, her bed was comfortable. Had it always been this comfortable? It was almost uncomfortable in its comfort. Then again, for months after leaving Nepal, Bella hadn't been able to sleep on anything softer than a blanket on the floor.

Bella wished she hadn't thought so much about Nepal in the car, because her nap was filled with disjointed and disorienting memories that made her blood run cold. A freezing stone cell: a vampire with messy hair and wild eyes ripping out a girl's throat: fighting without rest or respite for days: the first time she killed a vampire, and the sick pleasure she felt from it: and blood, blood filling her eyes and slipping into her mouth, tasting the coppery tang, making her wretch...

Bella stopped her hand before it came in contact with Charlie's face.

"Ha," Charlie said, backing away. "You almost got me."

Bella rubbed her hands over her face, holding back the sudden urge to cry. If she hadn't stopped herself from lashing out when he woke her up, Bella could have easily crushed his skull with a single blow.

"For fuck's sake, Charlie," Bella growled, angry and frustrated because she had only been with him six hours and she had nearly killed him. What the fuck was wrong with her? "Don't wake me up like that! Just knock on the door or something, Jesus Christ."

Charlie looked at her with hurt eyes. "I'll remember that. Do you want something to eat now? I thought we could go to the diner."

"Sure," Bella croaked, feeling even worse about herself. "Yeah, just let me get changed. I'll be down in a minute."

Charlie left without another word, leaving Bella sitting in her bed, wishing she could punch something without breaking furniture.

She changed and met Charlie downstairs. The rest of the evening passed in near silence. Bella had apologized for swearing at him, and he had accepted but the air did not feel cleansed. So many things were left unsaid between them that it made the whole dinner heavy and awkward. Bella wanted to make small talk, to reconnect with the father that she had abandoned, but her guilt weighed her down so much she had to concentrate on eating. She wished she wasn't such a terrible daughter, she wished she wasn't a freak, she wished she didn't have the responsibility of her job with absolutely zero profit.

Bella left Charlie at the bottom of the stairs with a thank you for dinner and a weary good night. She went to the bathroom to brush her teeth before bed, avoiding the gaze of the mirror. Maybe it was a mistake to come to Forks. Charlie seemed to be happier without her messing up his life and although she missed this place and the people in it desperately, things were easier in her little New York bubble.

In New York, there was no one who knew all of her stupid mistakes, who knew how much she had disappointed her family. Things were hard there, certainly, but they were an easy kind of hard. She knew how to deal with money problems, fighting and dirty apartments. She did not know how to deal with taciturn fathers and pasts that wouldn't stay past.

Making her way to her bed, Bella stepped on the squeaky floorboard again. Bella noticed that the floorboard was pushing back against her foot, and although that made her irrationally angry for a moment (_how dare it fight back?_) curiosity soon took center stage.

Kneeling down, Bella curled her fingers under one end of the board and realized that it wasn't nailed down to the floor. Thinking she had found a handy place to hide the green powder she'd be getting from Jake tomorrow (she always worried that Charlie would find it and inadvertently set the house on fire) she pulled it up to look at the space below.

Bella felt her breath being stolen from her lungs. In the dark space beneath her room, Bella found three photographs, a voucher for long-expired plane tickets, and a CD. Those items that had been taken from her so long ago, things she had thought she had left behind forever, had really been hidden below her the entire time.

Carefully, as though she was afraid they would fall apart, Bella pulled the photographs from the gap in her childhood. God, she had forgotten how handsome Edward had been. She had almost forgotten the exact shade of his hair, the exact line of his jaw, the exact curve of his lips.

She flicked through the pictures until he reached the one of them both, standing in the living room. She could see now the hints of his disconnection: how awkwardly he held her, how he couldn't smile with his eyes. She had noticed before but she never would have imagined what happened next.

"What would you think of me now?" she asked him, but his topaz gaze remained distant. Her eyes flickered to the young girl that looked so happy, lost and desperate, clinging to the god that stood beside her. She rubbed her thumb across their faces. "What would you both think?"

Unable to look at them another moment, Bella pulled out the CD. She remembered what he had recorded, could recall almost every note that he seduced from the piano that seemed an extension of his soul.

Without deciding to, Bella rose to her feet and strode to the ancient CD player next to her desk. She did not want to hear him again, she knew that this should not be something she should explore, but her hand put the CD in its place and pressed play before she could recognize the danger in her actions.

Two notes of her lullaby song played out before it skipped, crackling and broken. What did she expect? That after seven years it would be preserved perfectly? That she could live that music as though he had given it to her yesterday?

Reluctantly–and yet immensely relieved–Bella turned the player off, but couldn't find herself able to take the CD from its place.

"Goddamn it to hell," Bella muttered to herself, cursing her weakness. She should have never come back here. Some things were best forgotten.

Without allowing herself another look, Bella placed the photographs back in the hole and replaced the wooden cover. She wished she had enough strength to set it alight, to let its ashes float out of her window and scatter in the wind. But she didn't.

Bella curled up into bed, reserved to a difficult sleep, reserved to nightmares and memories, and reserved to the feeling of helplessness that she had left behind long ago: it crept up her spine and behind her eyes, and made a part of her wish for cold hands and golden eyes.

Charlie had already left for work by the time Bella had woken up. He had promised her that he would be back early so that they could spend as much time together as possible before she had to leave in two days, but after their disastrous reunion the day before, Bella was pretty sure she wouldn't see him until dinner time. Trying to delay the errand she knew she had to run while she was here, Bella turned on the ancient computer in her bedroom and waited the full ten minutes it took to load up.

Renee had sent her another email, promising yet again that she and Phil were planning to come to New York sometime this year. Four years and Bella had seen her mother once, when Phil had been on an away game with the team he coached in Philadelphia and Bella had made the journey to meet them. She missed her mother terribly, but Bella was almost relieved by the constant excuses they made not to visit Bella's new home. She did not want anyone she knew visiting her in New York. She couldn't begin to imagine how confusing that would be.

Diane had also sent a message, probably from the internet at the library near their home. She had followed Forty's tracks to a beautiful home in Brooklyn Heights where a wealthy family–two parents, two kids–lived. She was going to stake the house out in the hopes that he had found his new target. Bella was upset that she wasn't with her, waiting up for Diane in their dismal kitchen, congratulating her when she inevitably came home one night, stinking of vampire, venom all over her hands. Maybe she'd be back before that happened.

A deep, heavy rumbling interrupted Bella in her reply. She sat in her chair for a long moment, trying to place the sound, wondering what could possibly make her feel so excited and nostalgic at the same time. A heavy _clunk_, a muffled curse and Bella surprised herself with the squeal that escaped from her mouth. Abandoning all dignity–he would have heard that anyway–Bella ran to the hallway, and opened the door before Jake had time to lower his fist.

They beamed at each other for a long moment and took each other in. Jake looked exactly the same as he did when he was seventeen–long, straight, shiny black hair, beautiful dark skin, sparkling eyes, and just as huge as ever. Bella imagined that she looked very different from when they had first met–hell, she probably looked different from when they had last met over a year ago–but his gaze didn't falter as he looked her over.

Jake cleared his throat softly. "So," he said, meeting her eyes with a grin. "You up for a ride?"

Behind him was the monster that was Bella's antiquated, rusty, beaten up old truck. Resting in the back were the two bikes Jake had fixed up so long ago. Bella almost welled up.

"Hells yeah," she said excitedly. "Let me just get my shoes."

"Take this as well." Jake held out a tin box that she knew was full of the insanely flammable green powder. Errand completed.

Snatching the box from his hand, Bella ran up the stairs, gently placed it underneath the floorboard–refusing to look at the other contents of her hiding space, she was finally in a good mood and nothing would spoil this–pulled on a pair of battered black leather boots and ran back down the stairs.

"Where to?" Bella asked as she threw her leg over the bike. She turned on the engine and felt it purr to life between her legs.

"Dunno. Let's go somewhere out the way." Jake revved his engine and Bella shivered in excitement. "Ready for a long drive?"

Bella just grinned and revved back in response. She released the brake and sped out of the driveway so quickly she had to grip the sides with her thighs to stop from slipping off.

Bella laughed aloud as she drove along, and she heard Jake's _whoop_ in reply. She'd forgotten how good this felt! The wind whipped through her hair and made her eyes water as she just kept going faster and faster until the bike groaned and creaked beneath her, and then she pushed it even more. They left Forks quickly, escaping onto narrow lanes surrounded by the ridiculously green trees. The turns were sharp and blind and she turned into them so quickly that her knees brushed the tarmac.

They drove for hours without a break, winding deeper and deeper into the wilderness, riding up and down hills, weaving towards and away from the sea. Bella kept catching glimpses of Jake when she turned too fast or when she glanced over her shoulder. The sight of him behind her, distant but close, reassuring but exciting, made Bella's heart jump in her chest. She was so glad she had come back. She _needed_ this.

"Pull over up here!" Bella heard Jake shout from behind her. Sighting a gap in the trees to her right, Bella slowed down and pulled over, skidding slightly as the road gave way to gravel.

Bella hopped off her bike and gazed out from the secluded viewpoint. Jagged cliffs gave way to the roaring ocean below and Bella could see the waves crashing into foam against the rocks. The horizon was a perfect blend of deep blue ocean and wispy blue sky, the sun glimpsing behind small clouds to reflect off the water, making it look as though the sea was made of millions of diamonds.

She heard Jake get off his bike and walk over to where she was standing. They stood there, looking out at the perfect view before they simultaneously glanced at each other.

"Hi," Jake said quietly, his voice barely audible over the squawking of seagulls as they dipped into the water below.

"Hi," Bella whispered back.

Jake leaned over and smothered Bella in a huge embrace and Bella held him tightly, breathing him in deeply and hearing the familiar _thump thump_ of his heart against her cheek.

They stepped back from one another but Jake kept a hand against her arm, reluctant to let her go.

Jake was one of the only constants in her life, and it physically pained her to only see him for a couple days a year. He had saved her when she was lost, and she had saved him when he was frightened, and seeing each other in their most vulnerable states had made them trust each other completely.

"How have you been?" Jake asked softly.

"How long have you got?" Bella asked with a little laugh. She led him over to the nearby grass and sat down. "I'm better now," she said as he sat across from her. "I always forget how much I love that damn bike."

"I know what you mean." Jake grinned. "What was wrong before, though?"

"It's just been a rough couple days, I guess. Charlie woke me up yesterday and I nearly punched him in the face. Then I swore at him. I'm such a crappy daughter."

"Oh, shut up." Jake rolled his eyes. "Charlie loves you. He's been telling everyone about how you're coming to visit. He was so excited, it was almost annoying. Just...you know, don't try to kill him and you'll be fine."

Bella threw her hand to her forehead. "Damn it, I always forget that. _Don't_ try to kill my father. Gee, thanks Jake."

Jake's smile brought out his dimples. "I'm here to help."

Bella tapped Jake on the knee. "Enough of the depressing stuff–what's the gossip on the rez? Any more imprints? Vampires? Sordid romances? Spill."

"None of the above, I'm afraid. Oh, well I guess you already know this, but Charlie and Sue Clearwater got back together."

Bella jumped to her feet. "What?" she screeched. "How do I not know about this? That sneaky son of a bitch, I knew he was hiding something from me. When? How? Why?"

Jake held up his hands in surrender. "Calm down, geez." He waited until Bella sat down before he started talking. "It was about a month ago, I guess. I have no idea why; if you hadn't noticed, Charlie is a pretty reserved guy." Bella snorted. "Billy hinted that they might be moving in together, but that's all I know, I swear."

Bella ripped out a handful of grass, getting more dirt all over her boots. "I can't believe he didn't tell me about this. He dares ask _me_ about _my_ relationship status and doesn't think about informing me that he's going to cohabit with his ex? Damn hypocrite."

"Harsh words from the secret vampire slayer," Jake said slyly.

Bella became indignant. "Hey, I can't tell him that for his own safety. I do not need to be saved from the knowledge that Charlie's knocking boots with Sue Clearwater." Bella's face suddenly scrunched up. "Actually, yeah I do need to be saved from that. Ew, quickly tell me something to stop the images."

"Er..."

"Quickly Jake! The images are coming unbidden!"

"I'm going to college."

Bella stared at Jake for a rather insulting amount of time. "Wow, Jake. Um..."

"I know." Jake ran his hands through his hair. "It's surprising."

"Not surprising..." Bella stuttered. "I just had no idea you wanted to do that. When are you going?"

"When class starts in September." Jake seemed embarrassed as Bella continued to stare at him. "It's stupid...it's only community college, it doesn't even count."

"Shut up," Bella said exasperatedly. "You know it counts. What are you studying?"

"Mechanical engineering. It's in Port Angeles so I'll still be at home. I bet I'll be the oldest one there."

"Except you won't." Bella countered. "That'll be really great Jake; I'm happy for you."

Jake squinted at her. "You don't sound too happy. Do you think it's stupid?"

Bella threw some more grass at him. "Of course it's not stupid–what's wrong with you? I'm just…you know...jealous as hell, I guess."

Jake chuckled lowly. "Yeah, who'd have guessed I'd be the one going to college and you'd be the one working in a garage? It just sounds wrong."

"The sad thing is, I don't even work in a garage, but once you get your degree you can open your own in New York and then you can hire me. See, everyone wins!"

Jake pulled a sceptical face. "I don't know. I mean, why would I hire someone who hasn't even finished high school?"

For that, Bella put Jake in a headlock until he promised he would hire her, give her weekends off, paid holiday and her own office.

Breathing heavily, Bella and Jake fell back onto the grass, Bella giggling slightly and Jake trying to look disgruntled as he rubbed his neck. They lay there for a long time, staring at the sky and occasionally commenting on odd cloud shapes. Their interpretations got more and more outlandish as they tried to one-up each other, finally culminating in Jake laughing uncontrollably when Bella announced the unassuming wisp of cloud above her was really, "a panda bear with no legs and two heads holding a lightsaber."

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Jacob jumped to his feet sprightly, holding out a hand to help Bella up.

"Come on, crazy girl. We need to be heading back."

Bella took Jacob's hand even though it was actually more awkward than just getting up on her own. She liked to make him feel useful.

"Do you think we have enough gas to get back?" Bella asked, thinking of the long journey they had taken to get here.

Jake threw his leg over the bike once more and stuttered his engine back to life. "We kind of went on a circular route–we'll be in La Push in about half an hour if you drive as stupidly as you did before." Bella stuck her tongue out at him and he laughed. "Charlie's probably already there. We're having a barbeque, then a bonfire on the beach with the rest of the pack."

"You've told them to not get overexcited when they see me right?" Bella asked, half joking. "Charlie might get suspicious when they all fawn over me."

Not dignifying her question with a response, Jacob sped off and Bella fumbled with the ignition until she was racing after him.

"I stumbled, but it was all he needed. He grabbed my neck from behind...tighter than that Seth, I can barely feel you…and I could feel his teeth grazing my neck...ew, you don't have to actually do that part...but I elbowed him in the stomach and he staggered back…oh, sorry...and punched him in the face so hard his head almost came off...no Jake, I'm not exaggerating. You could see his windpipe where his skin cracked. Anyway, so I tackled him to the floor and..."

"Bella, what are you doing?"

Bella looked up from her spot kneeling on Seth's back to see Charlie staring at them with a very bemused expression.

"Er..." Bella quickly stood up, ignoring Seth while he rubbed his stomach and pretended to glare at her. "Nothing," she stammered. "Just acting out a scene from...a film, you wouldn't know it."

Jake grinned at her and she discreetly flipped him off. For having a secret identity and all, she was still a rubbish liar.

"Right." Charlie still looked confused. "Well, you boys go easy on her. She's only small."

Bella flinched as Jacob threw a heavy arm across her shoulders. Bella could only imagine how tiny she looked tucked against Jake's side. "Don't worry, Chief, we always go easy on her. She's only a little girl after all–don't want her getting hur..." The rest of Jake's sentence was lost when Bella elbowed him in the stomach–hard–and he started wheezing and coughing, his face going red.

"That Jake, always a joker," Bella said breezily as Seth shot Jake a sympathetic glance.

"Er." Poor Charlie looked completely lost. "Yeah. Are you ready to go, Bells? It's getting late."

Bella quickly said goodbye to the pack, who all forced her to promise to come back before she left and grappled her into a strange and very uncomfortable group hug.

"Those kids seem to love you," Charlie remarked as they climbed into the cruiser.

"Yeah, they're cool guys," Bella said. The truth was, the whole pack got a whole lot more friendly towards her–especially Paul–after she came back from learning how to kill vampires. Not to mention that she got a lot more action on the slaying front in New York than they ever did around Forks. The pack adored, envied and was just a little scared of her. She felt exactly the same way about them.

"So did you have a nice time?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah, it was great," Bella said truthfully. "Food was good, company was good, fire was good. What more could you want?"

The sides of Charlie's moustache twitched. "At least you managed to control yourself around the bonfire–I didn't want to have to arrest my own daughter for her third count of arson."

Bella's mouth fell open. "Har-freakin'-har," she said once she got over the shock of her father joking about her recent felonies. "You know I wasn't...I wasn't trying to hurt anyone or anything like that. I...they were just little..." Maybe she should have thought of an excuse before she started this. "I'm sorry, dad."

Charlie caught her eye, and she was pleased–and surprised–to see that he was still smiling. "I know you are, sweetheart. I know you would never hurt anyone. I was just teasing you. We all do stupid things when we're younger, it's a rule."

Bella sat straight in her seat. "Really? A rule, is it? So what did you do?"

"What?" Charlie spluttered.

"You wouldn't be this understanding if you hadn't done something stupid when you were younger. What did you do?"

Charlie's cheeks flared pink and Bella nearly giggled in anticipation.

"Okay, okay. It's nothing really, I wasn't even charged. Just…drunk and disorderly."

Bella laughed loudly and jumped up and down in her seat in absolute glee. "What were you doing?" she asked, giggling. "How old were you? I think this is the coolest thing you have ever told me."

Charlie rolled his eyes, but she could tell he was loving this, too.

"I was twenty-one; in fact, it was my birthday. It was the first time I had ever been drunk. And I...maybe I shouldn't be telling you this."

"Don't you dare stop now." Bella fixed him with her scariest stare, which did not seem to have much of an effect.

"Just don't tell anyone, especially Jake. That boy is a worse gossip than Jessica Stanley. I...may have been singing loudly in the streets. And I may have jumped into a fountain. And I also may have climbed onto a police horse…and rode it down the street."

Bella just stared at her father as he fidgeted in his seat. "That may be the best thing I have ever heard," Bella said with absolute sincerity. "I have never been prouder to call you my father."

"Yes, well." Charlie coughed into his moustache. "Just don't get any ideas."

"Nah, I think I'll stick to arson, thanks."

They both laughed and Bella felt herself breathe easily, as if before she had been holding her breath. She could hardly remember why she was so worried about coming back. Yes, yesterday was just awful, but she had always got on well with Charlie, and no matter what stupid things she did and no matter how much her actions inadvertently hurt him, she knew that he would always forgive her and always love her.

She had nothing to worry about.

**A/N: Ooh, I'm really excited about the next chapter. Review please! I'm really enjoying your comments so far.**


	4. An Uneasy Alliance

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I do not own Doctor Who either. **

**Thank you for your interest. Now let's get down to business.**

"Fucking, shitting, bullfuck!"

"B? Are you OK?"

Diane quickly strode to the kitchen to find Bella frantically searching for something in the cupboard under the sink.

"B?"

"Where's the fucking first aid kit?"

Diane grabbed the green box from its usual spot next to the kettle and used it to tap Bella on the shoulder. She gasped slightly when Bella turned and snatched it from her hands.

"What happened to you?"

Bella looked terrible. She had obviously been in a fight and she hadn't fared well. Her lip was cut, a disgusting, multi-coloured bruise was blossoming below her eye and Diane could make out a bump forming on her forehead. Worst of all, Bella's nose had obviously been broken, judging from the way it was a few centimetres from its usual resting place. To stop her nose from bleeding, Bella had cut a tampon in half and shoved the pieces inelegantly up her nostrils.

"Fucking vamp thought I was on the menu tonight," Bella growled. "She's a new one–female, blonde...well I guess it doesn't matter. She's dead now."

Bella prodded her lip experimentally then winced.

"Thank God you're alright. But B, there's something I have to tell you..."

"Fucking bitch is lucky I killed her quickly. I wish I'd drawn it out a lot longer. Dammit, is my nose broken?"

"Yes, but I really need to..."

"You want to know what that evil bitch did? I punched her in the face and she lashed out, and she grabbed my boob _really_ hard. It really fucking hurts. Who does that? I mean, really who _does_ that?" Bella grabbed a heating pad from the first aid kit and twisted the metal inside to activate it. With a deep sigh she shoved it down her bra. "There should be some sort of etiquette, or something. It's just rude."

"Bella!" Diane almost shouted. "Please, just listen, there's something important..."

"Can it wait, Di?" Bella pouted, packing the kit away. "My boob hurts, my nose hurts and I'm bushed. I'm going to go to..."

The words died in her throat as Bella finally turned around and saw what was so important.

_Well, this is just the worst day ever._

First she had to say goodbye to Jake and Charlie, which really sucked. As Charlie had hugged her goodbye, Bella got this really awful feeling that she couldn't explain and didn't want to explore. She knew what she was coming back to: the possibility of a super-newborn hunting in her city, and she knew that this could easily be the fight that ended her. Tears filled her eyes as she hugged him back–careful this time not to squeeze too tightly–and she tried to convince herself that she would see him again, and that everything would be alright.

Of course, the airport is never fun, but it is made even less fun when your flight is delayed for three hours, and when you finally get on the plane, the creepy man next to you keeps staring at your legs.

She finally got back to New York, and managed to navigate her way through public transportation to finally reach her subway station. An evil, rude and inappropriate vampire then decided to start something she couldn't finish and Bella was forced to ignore the pitying–and sometimes hostile–faces that passed her as she limped her way home.

And then she was confronted with Alice and Jasper Cullen sitting on her couch and staring at her with concerned, excited and confused eyes.

_Fuck my life_.

"Er..."

And of course–_because this is just the worst day _ever–she couldn't be allowed to get through this terrifying reunion with any dignity because she had half a tampon up each nostril–with the tail fluttering with each inhale and exhale–and her hand down her bra.

But the worst thing about this was that Alice was standing up, her eyes were shining, and she looked damn close to saying something that would ruin everything. Diane was staring intensely at Bella with worried eyes, so Bella did the only thing she could think of to stop Alice rushing over and saying something awful like, "Hi there, Bella Swan, long time no see. Are you still in love with my vampire brother?" She opened her shield.

Bella wasn't entirely sure what Jasper felt at that exact moment–because she sure as hell didn't know what she was feeling–but she saw something dark flash across his face before it became like a mask.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Bella," Jasper said very smoothly, subtly wrapping a hand around his wife's arm.

Alice briefly looked at Jasper's face in confusion before her expression mirrored his. "Yes, a pleasure," she said in an overly polite voice that almost made Bella laugh. "My name is Alice Cullen, and this is my husband, Jasper."

"Er..." Bella repeated. She didn't know how to handle this. How would she normally handle a couple of vampires in her living room, seemingly invited by her fellow vampire-hunter roommate? Angry? Surprised? Murderous? Nonchalant?

"Bella, calm down. I asked them to be here," Diane said, her hands held out beseechingly in front of her. "Just, take a breath or something."

That was actually a good idea. Bella took a deep breath but spluttered slightly when she tasted blood on the back of her tongue.

"Er..." Bella said again. "I'm just going to...clean up."

Bella cast a last quick glance at Alice and Jasper before she escaped into the bathroom.

Bella stared at herself in the mirror for a long time, not seeing anything. Alice and Jasper Cullen were in her living room, and by the looks on their faces they had had no idea that she lived there. Well, the surprise was mutual. What the hell were they doing here? Seeing them again, looking exactly the same as they had nearly eight years ago, caused a riot in her head and made her heart thunder in her chest.

Finally focusing on her face, Bella pulled the bloody tampons from her nose with a grimace and pulled the stained hoodie over her head, leaving on a t-shirt that read 'The Angels Have the Phone Box.' She frowned at it but realised that it would be more embarrassing to go back in there without a t-shirt than with this one on. Barely.

"Damn it," Bella muttered to herself before quickly putting a hand on each side of her nose and forcibly clicking it back into place. Her eyes watered badly, but she knew it didn't hurt half as much as it would have if she had left it and the bone had knitted itself that way. She wiggled it experimentally to check if it would bleed anymore. It didn't, thank God.

Bella stood in the middle of the bathroom, looking around and wondering if there was anything she could do to avoid going back out there. She seriously considered trying to clean the black mold for about thirty seconds before she realised that she was being rude and a little crazy, so she opened the bathroom door.

The three of them were standing in exactly the same positions as before. Diane was staring at her with huge eyes while wringing her hands nervously. Bella briefly wondered whether she should act more freaked out, because that was what Diane seemed to be expecting.

"Okay then," Bella said in as steady a voice as possible. "What's going on?"

The three conspirators stared at each other for a moment before Alice unnecessarily cleared her throat.

"Jasper and I were walking to our hotel tonight and we heard a fight," Alice said, seemingly very constrained, but her fingers were beating a tattoo on her outer thighs. "We thought that it was a vampire attacking a human, but we couldn't understand the sounds. It sounded like the human was attacking back. We watched as Diane killed the vampire and lit him on fire. I don't think I have to tell you that we were surprised."

Alice stopped and stared at Bella with wide eyes.

Looking away, Bella asked Diane, "So you got Forty then? Are you OK?"

Diane smiled grimly. "Yeah, I got him. And I'm fine. All superficial."

Bella looked back at Alice and nodded for her to continue.

"Jasper told me that we should run away before she became aware of our presence, and I agreed but...I suppose I'll have to explain a few things before I can continue," Alice said, a tiny smile gracing her lips. "I have a talent. I can see the future–or rather I can see possibilities. I can read the choices that people make and follow them to their conclusions. We've been having a lot of trouble recently, and I thought that we had no hope, but for a split second I decided to approach Diane for help and everything changed."

"You can see our futures?" Bella asked, confused and more than a little panicked. "You can break through our shields?"

Alice shook her head quickly. "No, I can't see you at all. It's really very frustrating." Alice frowned in a way very familiar to Bella. It was the same look she had when Bella refused to go shopping, or when Bella didn't want her toe nails painted, or when Bella told Alice that Leonard Whiting's Romeo was better than Leonardo DiCaprio's. Bella had to stop herself from smiling.

"But I saw something, just a glimpse," Alice continued, her eyes shining. "And it probably won't happen, but just in case, I had to try.

"So we approached Diane, and there was a moment when I thought she would attack us." Alice threw Diane a wry look. "But she noticed our eyes and it made her pause."

"I know what a vegetarian vampire looks like," Diane said, her eyes becoming haunted. "All of us do."

Diane and Bella exchanged glances before turning to Alice once more.

"I suggested that we could help each other. I know about your problem with the newborn– Kahled is it? You weren't sure whether it was him committing these murders. I can tell you that it is. I saw him when we thought about staying in Queens for the night. We changed our minds because we did not want to cross his path. Diane showed me a picture of Kahled as a human, and that is definitely the vampire I saw in my vision."

Bella let out a heavy sigh. Before, there was a chance that the killings had been coincidentally linked with a human that had gone missing, but now they knew. There was a ridiculously powerful, ridiculously controlled newborn killing men in a very obvious and dangerous way, and they had to stop him.

"We can help you kill him," Alice said confidently. "You know it would be too dangerous for the two of you to engage with him. With the four of us, there should be little problem."

"You said that you would help us if we helped you," Bella interrupted. "What do you need us to do?"

Alice took a deep breath and gazed up in Jasper's face. Bella had never seen her look so lost before. Even stoical Jasper looked shaken.

"I had a vision yesterday, and no matter what I do, I can't change the outcome," Alice said, the sound of impossible tears in her throat. "It's my brother, Edward. He's going to die."

The silence that followed that statement was suffocating. Bella felt a huge pressure grow inside of her and at the same time, felt all power leave her. She struggled to keep her expression blank. Her head throbbed, and the room seemed oddly hazy.

They were all expecting her to say something. Bella had no idea what to do. She wanted to shout that they would help and what the hell were they waiting for, but she made herself take a breath.

"How do you think we can stop that?" she asked, her voice echoing horribly in her ears.

"Edward has been tracking another vampire for some time," Jasper said, wrapping his arms around Alice's shoulders and pulling her against his side. "He hasn't had much luck because she's slippery and he has no talent for tracking. But somehow he's found her and he's going to attack her. Tomorrow night, Alice says."

Bella shook her head. "Why is it such a foregone conclusion? You said you only see the outcome of choices, but a fight is all about choices. You couldn't know who would win until the last choice had been made."

Alice closed her eyes and shook her head. She looked so tiny and delicate in that moment–porcelain skin, short dark hair, clutching at Jasper's side.

"He won't win, no matter what he does," Alice whispered. "He hasn't hunted in...far, far too long. No matter how he plays it, he's just not strong enough."

Bella was confused but she didn't know how she could ask a question without sounding too familiar. Why on earth would Edward let himself be so weak when he wanted to attack someone? Was he trying to get himself killed?

"Who is the vampire he's tracking?" Diane asked. "Do you know anything about her? Does she have any talents we should be aware of?"

Alice's head shot up and hope shone in her eyes. "Her name is Victoria. She's strong and fast, but we don't think that she has any talent other than being good at slipping away."

"Victoria?" Diane asked, frowning. "Is that... red hair, girly voice, completely crazy?"

Alice nodded. "We met her ages ago," Diane said, turning to Bella. "Isn't she the one that was following you around when you first got here? Kept running away from a fight?"

Bella nodded, feeling numb. Victoria had found her only months after she had moved in with Diane. Bella had been terrified that Victoria would tell Diane why they knew each other, why Victoria was so keen on revenge. But Victoria had kept low, feinting and testing before disappearing. Bella couldn't help but wonder whether Edward had been following her then, whether they had been close to one another.

"What do you think, B?" Diane muttered, moving closer as though she could shut the vampires out of the conversation. "What should we do?"

Bella knew what she wanted to do, but she knew she couldn't act too keen or Diane would be suspicious.

"I'm not sure." Bella caught Alice's eyes, trying to show her that she had nothing to be worried about. "We'd be taking on another problem, but Di...I'm really not sure we can take Kahled on our own."

"No," Diane said, staring off into the distance. "No, I don't think we can either. But, B," Diane dropped her voice even lower. "How do we know we can trust them? How do we know they're not going to attack us when they get the other one back?"

Bella tried to force her face into one of thoughtfulness and not into one of exasperation. "It's a good point," she said, resisting the urge to wink at Alice. "But they're vegetarians. They certainly don't have to be. It's got to be some kind of moral thing, right?" Bella directed the question at Alice and Jasper.

Alice smiled at her. "Yes, none of our family drink from humans. We were humans once, why would we want to hurt them?"

"Because they taste good?" Diane asked, bluntly.

"Well, I'm not sure about taste, but they certainly do smell nice." Alice laughed, her voice sounding like chimes. "It's difficult, certainly, to abstain, but we find that living off animals makes us more like humans, allows us to be a family. We love each other very much," Alice said, her smile turning into a hard stare. "We will do anything to stay together."

Bella and Diane turned back to one another, and Bella struggled to read Diane's uncharacteristically closed off face. She didn't have a choice. "I think we should," Bella said boldly. "We have little chance to kill Kahled if we don't."

Diane focused her eyes on Bella's face. It made her uncomfortable, but she made sure she met Diane's gaze. It couldn't look as though she had something to hide. "There is another choice you know; we could always ask the Academy for help."

Bella bit her lip. "I think that would be the right thing to do…if we were just dealing with a strong vampire. But we're not. We're dealing with a newborn. You know the best weapons any slayer has against that kind of strength are rationality and planning…and blood. That's not going to cut it this time. Having the power of vampires behind us…I honestly think it's the only way we would be able to deal with this and come out the other side."

Diane shook her head, but it wasn't in denial. Bella held her breath.

"I want to say that you're wrong, but I can't. I hate it when you're reasonable." Diane looked over at Alice and Jasper, who were clasping each other's hands. "It's a deal. If we help you, you'll help us, right? You promise to stick around and help us get Kahled?"

Alice rushed forward, holding out her hand. Reacting out of instinct, Diane took a step back and crouched into a defensive position. Alice stopped quickly, looking sheepish.

"It's a deal, and we promise. I know you have little reason to believe we'll uphold our part of the deal, but we will. I wish there was a way to make you sure."

Diane smiled grimly. "No matter what you did, I don't think it would help much. Trusting vampires isn't something I think we'd ever get used to."

"No, I suppose you wouldn't," Alice said quietly.

Bella waited a long time in the silence that followed before finally exploding. "Well, what the hell are we waiting for? Shouldn't we get going?"

Alice smiled at her so softly that Bella felt some of the tension drain out of her shoulders. "Victoria and Edward are north of us now, in Canada. We can't approach from the south because they would pick up our scent too early and it would force them to fight before we could get there. We also can't double back on them–they're running fast and we wouldn't catch up with them in time. The only thing we can do is intercept them from the east when they pass through Harriman State Park."

"When will that be?" Diane asked.

"Tomorrow night," Alice said staring at something far away and frowning deeply. "The timing isn't perfect, but it should be around seven o'clock. I'll spend the night trying to get more details. Can we meet here at about five?" Alice asked, suddenly looking unsure of herself. "Would that be okay?"

Diane and Bella exchanged glances. Bella would have to take time off work, but Kaylee owed her a few hours and if that fell through, she hadn't taken a sick day in a long time.

"That's fine," Bella said decisively. "We'll see you then."

Much slower this time, Alice approached Diane with her hand outstretched. Bella couldn't figure out exactly what Diane was thinking, but she looked uncomfortable as they shook hands. When Alice reached Bella, Bella could see the suppressed tension and excitement trying to shine out of Alice's eyes.

"It was nice to meet you, Bella," Alice said, taking Bella's hand. For a moment, her grip was unbearably delicate before she held Bella's hand until it almost hurt. "I like your t-shirt."

Bella laughed loudly, squeezing Alice's hand tightly before letting go. "Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodbye, Bella."

"Goodbye, Jasper."

When the Cullens had finally left, Bella and Diane just stared at each other for a very long time. Finally, Diane shook her head and made her way into the kitchen.

Bella watched her fill a glass with water and waited for her to speak.

"That was...odd," she said finally, staring at the green plastic table.

"Tell me about it. Do you think we did the right thing?"

Diane sighed deeply and took a few heavy gulps of water. "I have no idea. If they keep their end of the bargain, then we'll have no problem. If they don't...then we'll have two angry and psychotic vampires to get rid of."

"For what it's worth, I think they'll keep their promise," Bella said, trying not to sound too confident. "Even if they didn't want to, it sounds like this Edward has some issue with Victoria. He wouldn't just leave her to take us out, not if he's so dead set on killing her himself."

"Yeah, what's with that?" Diane asked, confused. "Vampires don't usually try to kill each other, or at least they don't put this much effort into it. You don't think he's Volturi do you?"

Bella almost laughed at that. "A Volturi guard with a vegetarian family? Somehow, I don't think so. Sounds like some sort of vengeance kick. Vampires do like to keep themselves distracted; it's got to be boring living forever."

Diane dropped her head into her hand and laughed bitterly. "Yeah, they have it so hard." She sighed again. "I'm going to bed. This has been a ridiculous day, and I think it should just end before it gets even more ridiculous."

"Honey, you read my mind."

Collapsing onto her bed minutes later, Bella just stared at the way the sheets crinkled next to her hand. Her head was buzzing but she couldn't identify a single thought. She tried to concentrate on what had happened, tried to figure out how she felt about seeing Alice and Jasper again, about how she felt that Edward could die, about how she felt about trying to save him, but she just couldn't. She knew she was terrified, but it was a very abstract terror. It was almost like she was outside of herself and saying, "Girl, you're screwed."

Unbidden, the image of a loose floorboard rose in Bella's mind. She had put the CD back in there and nailed the floorboard down after it, locking photographs and broken music away forever. She had thought that she was being smart. She had thought that it meant that she had moved on. But the idea of Edward being hurt when she could stop it was like a splinter of ice lodged in her mind. She had known from the second that Alice had told her Edward would die that she would do anything and everything to make sure that that didn't happen.

Forget screwed, Bella was completely and utterly fucked.

**A/N: What do you think?**


	5. Hit the Road Jack

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

**I had to cut this chapter short, as I was informed it was way too long, so unfortunately you have to wait just a little bit longer to see our favourite brooding vampire again. But don't worry, it's all written and beta'd so I'll get it to you in a few days. Enjoy.**

Bella was glad–for the first time ever–that she had never gone to college and had such a boring, tedious job. If she had been expected to concentrate or think at all that day, her head would have exploded all over her work. Even so, having to write down orders and walk around tables was enough to make a horrible pressure build up behind her forehead. Any issues or difficult problems were abruptly ignored so that she didn't hurt anyone.

She had left at eight o'clock and barely made it to work on time. Thankfully, Kaylee was fine with covering Bella's extra shift, and her boss didn't care who was working as long as someone was there. It was nice to feel appreciated in one's job.

The day was passing so slowly that Bella could almost feel the seconds crawling across her skin. Edward was making his way south now, following Victoria across the border and heading toward her. She wondered what he was thinking, why he wouldn't just stop and hunt. How long does it take to drain a deer? It took less than five minutes to drain a human being. Couldn't he spare five minutes to save his life?

"Excuse me, dear, could I have another coffee?"

Bella stared at the lady for a long second–making the woman fidget–before remembering where she was. "Of course." Bella's smile felt more like a grimace. "I'll be right back with that."

It was pointless to try to think about anything other than Edward, Victoria and the Cullens. What was Edward doing tracking Victoria? Where were the rest of the Cullens? Why was Victoria heading toward New York? She knew that Bella lived here and what Bella was. And always going back to the same insidious question: why hadn't Edward fed?

She had so many questions, but she felt as though she didn't deserve the answers. She was helping Alice and Jasper, but that was only because they would help her and Diane with Kahled. They didn't owe each other anything. Hell, they hadn't seen each other in nearly eight years. Their lives had intersected briefly years ago, and she couldn't pretend that it had been much more than that.

But that felt like a lie. She had loved both Edward and Alice. Of course she should still be concerned with their welfare, curious as to what they were doing. Especially since what they were doing made no sense whatsoever.

The main problem, however, was how to explain what happened to her in the years they had been apart. Alice and Jasper had an idea because they saw what Diane had done to Forty, and they knew that she had done the same to at least one other vampire. They knew she was preternaturally strong, but they knew that she was still human, but what about the rest of it?

Vampires were not supposed to know about slayers. Of course, there were stories vampires liked to tell each other about supernaturally strong human beings who killed vampires seemingly for sport. Obviously the slayer didn't always win the fight, but most of the vampires they crossed paths with were nomads, hardly coming into contact with other vampires; if they did, their fanciful stories of vampire-slaying humans were met with humor and suspicion.

So Bella was willing to bet that the Cullens had never heard of–or believed in–vampire slayers before. How much should she tell them? Should she tell them about Nepal? Should she tell them about the things they made her do there? The things she volunteered to do there? Should she tell them how many vampires she had killed and how she had killed them? Should she tell them that every time she attacked a vampire she would always look closely into his or her eyes, searching for the tiniest hint of liquid topaz?

Maybe that would be too much information.

The last half hour of her shift was almost physically painful. She couldn't seem to keep her hands still until finally Lynne stuck her behind the bar, making drinks so that she wouldn't keep bumping into customers' tables.

However, as soon as the clock struck four and she was free to go, Bella couldn't move. She stood in front of the back door, backpack in hand, staring at absolutely nothing.

"Are you okay?"

Bella turned to see Jeff the chef staring at her in concern. She smiled slightly, because she liked Jeff and because he gave her food.

"I'm not sure." Bella shook her head. "But it doesn't matter. Have a good evening, Jeff; see you tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

Bella nodded weakly, escaping out of the back door before Jeff could ask any more intrusive questions.

It didn't take her very long getting back to the house, but when she arrived, Diane, Alice and Jasper were already there, and they all looked pretty damn tense.

"Is everything okay?" Bella asked, looking from one face to the other.

Diane shook her head, looking pissed. "She wants you to go alone," she said, her voice harder than Bella had ever heard. "She said you'd be more likely to get him out of there than if we went together."

Jasper's hands clenched into fists, but Alice just looked determined, fixing Bella with a steady stare.

"I've been looking through the possibilities all night," Alice said, her voice clear and sharp. "It's not perfect because I can't see you, but when I made certain choices, sometimes I could see Edward in our hotel room with us. Sometimes I saw us telling the rest of our family that we were too late." Alice stood up straighter and for a moment looked inexplicably tall. "I don't know why Bella being alone would make such a difference–I can't see what she will do–but in the scenarios where she finds Edward on her own, he nearly always makes it out alive."

"_Nearly_ always?" Diane asked threateningly. "And these times he _doesn't_? What happens to _Bella_ then?"

Jasper growled low in his chest, making Diane tense even more, but Alice placed a hand on his stomach to calm him. She turned once more to Diane.

"I told you I can't see what will happen. If Edward dies then undoubtedly there would be a fight. I have no indication from my visions that Bella will be hurt in this fight."

"Isn't this what you do?" Jasper's voice sounded like a growl. "Fight vampires?"

"I don't want my partner to risk her life trying to _save_ a _vampire_," Diane snarled. "Either I go or this doesn't happen."

"You're not doing this to save a vampire," Alice said carefully. "You're doing it to kill one. You won't get our help if Edward doesn't make it out alive."

"And don't you think Bella should have some say in this?" Jasper asked quietly.

Bella didn't have to lift her head to know that they were all staring at her. She wanted to hide her face because actually, she was relieved. She had never wanted Diane there. There was too much risk of Diane finding out about her past if she met Victoria and Edward together. Bella briefly wondered if that was really why Alice was doing this.

"If we have more chance of succeeding if I go alone, then I'll...go alone."

Diane stepped towards her, but Bella didn't want to see the hurt in her eyes.

"You don't have to do this," Diane muttered, touching Bella's wrist. "It could still work if we went together."

Bella made her eyes hard before she lifted them to Diane's. "I know what I'm doing, Di," she said, touching Diane's hand in return to take the sting out of her words. "We committed to doing this, and we'll do it properly."

"We need to leave the apartment in the next five minutes if we're going to make it," Alice announced, victory in her voice.

Diane glared at her for a moment before turning back to Bella. "I know I can't convince you of anything when you've got that look on your face." She pulled Bella into a crushing hug. "Be careful, and if there's a fight, just run. Your safety is more important than anything, got it?" Diane stared at her until Bella nodded. "Good. And call me on my cell when you're safe, okay? Promise me."

"I promise, Di. Geez." Bella grinned as she pulled a jacket over her work shirt. "You're acting like I've never gone hunting before."

"Never gone hunting like this," Diane said as she eyed the vampires warily.

"Let's go," Alice said, walking out of the apartment without a backward glance. Bella followed her, her heart beating hard in her chest.

Alice had left her car parked outside Bella's apartment block. She could tell that it was Alice's because somehow Bella couldn't imagine Jasper owning an obnoxiously yellow Porsche 911.

"Oooh, very pretty," Bella praised. Jasper opened the door for her and she climbed into the back. "Shiny. What's the model?"

Alice jumped in the back next to her and looked ready to start shrieking. Bella quickly put a finger over her lips and nodded to the apartment. She didn't doubt that Diane was going to listen in on their conversation for as long as she could.

"Oh." Alice started to tap her fingers against her thighs again. Had this always been a nervous habit of hers? "Er, the 3.6 GT2 RS, I think."

"That's right," Jasper said quietly from the front as he started the engine. He accelerated away from the sidewalk so quickly, Bella's head snapped back.

"Freaking hell," she muttered. "Have you ever got it to the maximum speed? It can go about 200 right?"

"0-60 in 3.6 seconds. We always hit the maximum limits when we first get a car," Alice said in a very strange voice. She looked strange, too, as though she were running out of air. "You know cars?"

Bella smiled at her. "I know cars."

The two of them grinned at each other like idiots, unable to say anything. The pressure seemed to be too much for Alice, who started making a strange noise. It almost sounded like steam whistling out of a kettle.

Suddenly Bella burst out laughing. "That was the weirdest thing I have ever heard. How do you do that?"

"She can't hear us anymore?"

Bella started to shake her head but never managed to complete the motion before Alice threw herself at her.

"Bella, Bella, Bella!" she shrieked in Bella's ear.

Bella tried to hug Alice back but her grip was like a vise. Bella resigned herself to just staying still until Alice calmed down. It took a while.

"Bella!" Alice finally leant back, but gripped Bella's shoulders and shook her like a rag doll. "Oh my gosh, it is so brilliant to see you! I can't believe...what on earth happened? I don't think I've ever been as shocked in all my life as when you came through that door!"

"Swearing and cursing like a sailor," Jasper helpfully added from the front seat.

"Tell me about it," Bella said ruefully. "But couldn't you tell? Couldn't you smell me when you entered the apartment?"

Alice leaned forward again and took a huge whiff of Bella's neck. Bella forced herself not to shrink away, and she also wished she had been able to take a shower before they left.

"You smell different," Alice announced. "It's almost the same...but different enough that I couldn't be sure. What are you?"

Bella bristled and pulled away from Alice's grasp. "I'm human," Bella said rather coldly. "I'm just...different. But I'm still human."

"Yes, I can tell," Alice said in a conciliatory tone. "Heartbeat and all. But, Bella...I've never heard of a human like you. How is this possible?"

So Bella told them. She told them as much as she could about her unexpected surge of strength after they had left, how she had left to be trained in Nepal, how she had learned to kill vampires, how she moved in with Diane and how they had been struggling to survive ever since. Of course, there were things she felt she couldn't tell them. Things they would not want to know. It was just as well that she withheld some information, because by the time she had finished, Alice looked like you could push her over with a feather.

"That's quite some story," Jasper said. "How could we not know about this?"

"There aren't that many of us," Bella said to the back of his seat. Looking at Alice was starting to make her feel uncomfortable. "And not all of us who have potential want to be trained. And even less choose the lifestyle. It's amazing that there are two of us stationed in one place, but New York is a Mecca for vampires–the most concentrated in North America. And anyway, not too many vampires who see us live to tell the tale. The ones that do...well, would _you_ believe a nomad vampire who told you he'd had his ass kicked by a human?"

Jasper chuckled lowly. "No, I don't suppose I would." He shook his head in disbelief. "What about the Volturi? I find it hard to believe they don't know about you. Do you know who the Volturi are?"

Bella frowned. "We don't have to worry too much about the Volturi. Their powers don't work on us, so they're just regular vampires. Aro doesn't want to pick a fight that he may not win. We don't think that the rest of them actually know about us, because with Caius's history with the werewolves, I don't believe he would be happy with letting us be. Aro uses all of his power and influence to keep us a secret because...well, I can't really say, but we've got a little dirt on him that he _definitely_ doesn't want anyone finding out about. It kind of keeps him...contained."

Alice made a rather alarming hiccoughing sound that made Bella turn to her. Alice's eyes were wider than Bella had ever seen them, and her lips were trembling.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Alice whispered, taking Bella's hands into her cold ones. It had been such a very long time since the feel of ice cold hands had been anything but a threat. Bella couldn't help but tense at the contact. "You went through this all alone. We should have been there–we should have helped you."

Bella coughed roughly to get rid of the knot in her throat. "It wasn't your fault, Alice. How could you have known? You had to follow Edward, I know that. He's your brother.

"Speaking of." Bella sat up straighter and glanced at the clock on the dashboard. "What the hell is that boy up to?"

Alice seemed to slump in her seat, as though the air had been let out of her.

"He's...he's just...well, I think he's lost it," Alice said. "He's been tracking Victoria on and off since we left. I can't believe he finally found her."

"Since you left?" Bella asked, bewildered. "Since you left where?"

Alice looked confused. "Since we left Forks, obviously."

"What? You haven't seen him since then? What happened?"

"'What happened?'" Alice's expression became much softer. She looked almost pitying. "Bella..."

"Alice."

The tone of Jasper's voice made Bella feel as though her heart had fallen out of her chest and landed somewhere in her intestines.

They had already made it to the Palisades Interstate Parkway. Jasper had made amazing time and they had already made it past the first exit, but they wouldn't be going much farther any time soon.

The traffic ahead of them and–turning their heads to the back window to see–behind them was completely gridlocked. None of the lanes were moving at all, and Bella could see people ahead getting out of their cars to complain to equally disgruntled neighbors.

Jasper quickly turned on the radio. There had been an accident just before the second exit.

"I can't see anything!" Alice screamed in frustration, pulling at her hair.

"Alice," Bella hesitated briefly, feeling unaccountably nervous. "Does this help?"

With an effort, Bella lifted her shield, straining against the force that wanted to snap back around her. She watched as Alice's eyes became distant and her lips became thinner as she concentrated.

"We can't stay here," Alice said finally, rubbing her forehead as though she had a headache. Bella thankfully let the shield snap shut once more. "We'll be far too late if we stay in this jam." Alice fixed Bella with a wild yet distantly hopeful stare. "Bella...how fast can you run?"

Bella felt hope rise in her chest. "I'm not sure. Let's find out."

Faster than Bella could see, Alice had a piece of paper and pen in her hand and was talking at a speed that Bella could barely keep up with.

"Keep close to the Hudson," she said. "There are a few parks on the way, they may help hide you from onlookers. Try to stay out of heavily residential areas. This is Harriman State Park." Alice pointed at a wobbly rectangle that she had drawn. "Edward and Victoria will be here, between Lake Welch and Lake Kanawauke at about half past six. You need to intercept them from the east, so they won't catch your scent until it's too late. The best thing to do is start heading west at Haverstraw Bay when the river gets really wide. Head north-west-west from there until you see Willow Grove Road, which will cross under the Palisades Interstate Parkway. Follow that road past the first big lake. Hopefully you'll catch their scents from there, or you'll hear them coming."

Alice stared at Bella. "Can you remember that?"

Bella repeated it perfectly, making Alice nod and smile.

"We'll be waiting for you at the car park at Iona Island in Bear Mountain State Park. It's northeast of Harriman Park. But if Victoria heads our way, phone us on your cell and we'll move to a new location. Give me your phone."

Alice snatched the cell from Bella's hand and speedily saved her phone number under Bella's contacts. Bella took it back to see the words, "Alice Cullen" saved into her phone's memory. It felt surreal.

"You have less than an hour," Alice said, staring at her watch. "Can you run forty miles in one hour?"

Bella leaned over Alice to snap the front seat forward, climbing over her to slide out of the door.

"Like I said," Bella said, terrified and excited, her whole body tingling. "Let's find out."

It was lucky that Bella didn't have time to think for the next hour, because if she had thought about what was riding on her in that moment, she probably would have forgotten how to move.

It was hard enough trying to run as fast as she could without being noticed. She thought that maybe a few people had caught a glimpse as she wove through trees and dashed across fields, but she didn't care. Let them explain it the way they wanted to.

She didn't know if she had started too fast, if she couldn't maintain the speed for the whole way. Only ten miles into it, Bella's lungs were burning and she could feel her legs turning to jelly. But when she looked at her watch, she noticed that she had to run faster to catch them by half past six. So she pushed herself even more, trying to concentrate on breathing and ignoring the black spots that crossed her eyes.

Keeping an eye on the Hudson, Bella noticed when it started to get wider. Leaving the river behind was terrifying, because now she was completely guessing. She knew she had to go north-west-west to Willow Grove Road. But as Bella ran through fields, trying to avoid the build-up of houses, she saw how many small roads there were and realized that she couldn't find the right one unless she went into the residential areas.

Unsure what to do, Bella checked her watch, squinting to put it into focus. She had twenty minutes.

Bella just kept running. She knew she would hit the park if she just kept going west. She couldn't risk going into the residential areas, partly because people would definitely see her running faster than any human had a right to run, but also because she couldn't afford to get lost in the winding roads.

Finally she saw trees, but no sign of a Willow Grove Road. Bella looked around desperately, but even if it was in view, everything around her looked hazy and distorted from her exhaustion. Either she had travelled too far north or too far south as she aimed at the park. She looked north, and she looked south. She couldn't risk getting this wrong. Too much was at stake.

Grabbing her cell phone from her jacket pocket, Bella noticed the time (just over five minutes left) and dialed Alice Cullen's number, praying for the first time in a very, very long time.

"Bella? What's wrong?" Alice's panicked voice made Bella even more anxious, and she couldn't stand it.

Bella pushed away her shield, the effort making her knees buckle. "North...or south?" Bella panted into the phone. It felt as though her lungs were half their normal size–she just couldn't get enough air. "Alice...north...or south?"

An excruciating pause followed in which Bella could only hear the sound of her own harsh breathing. She kept her eyes wide because every time she closed them–just to blink–her world spun.

"North, go north."

Bella slammed the phone shut and took off.

**A/N: What do you think? Next installment coming soon.**


	6. Going North

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

**The second half as promised. **

"_North, go north."_

_Bella slammed the phone shut and took off. _

She wove into the tree line and quickly found the road. She tried to bully her senses into paying attention, so that she could hear Edward and Victoria before they sensed her, but all she could hear was the blood pounding in her ears.

Glancing down at her watch, Bella knew they would be passing through any second. Or they had already been here. No, no she would be able to smell them. Even with her nostrils burning with every breath she took, she would recognize the scent of a vampire anywhere.

Bella rushed past the first lake, and that's when she heard it. Footsteps.

Bella stopped quickly, trying to ignore her heart, which was threatening to break through her ribs, ignore the breath that was searing her throat and lungs, and ignore the rest of her body, which couldn't stop shaking and protested when she stood as tall as she could.

"You don't call...you don't write...you don't visit...I was beginning to think...you'd forgotten about me...Vickie."

Victoria stopped so suddenly that the dirt spun around her body. She hissed, turning so that she wouldn't have her back to either of them.

Because there he was...Edward. Bella tried not to look at him, tried to concentrate on the homicidal vampire who looked like she was getting anxious. But she couldn't help but glance at him. His eyes were impossibly dark and his hands were shaking. Bella got angry.

_Good, concentrate on the anger and not the other feelings_.

"How have you been...Vickie?" Bella panted.

Victoria searched Bella's face, and then smiled. "Look who it is," she said in her obnoxiously girly voice. "Little Bella's come to play."

"Heard you were in town...thought I'd pop by. It's...been a while."

Edward took a step forward, making Victoria hiss sharply and bare her teeth at him. Bella caught his eyes. She couldn't begin to guess what was lurking behind them. His face was as beautiful as ever, but his pitch black eyes absorbed anything he might have been feeling. Bella shook her head.

"This isn't your fight," Victoria hissed at her. "Neither of us is interested in you anymore, so you can just run along."

"'Fraid I can't do that," Bella said, feigning nonchalance. "Can never say no...to a good fight. You might call it...a weakness of mine."

Victoria bared her teeth and Bella bared hers right back.

"Won't be much of a fight," Victoria sneered. "Blushing Bella, you look like you could do with a rest."

"You're right...I'm exhausted," Bella said breezily–or as breezily as she could with such little breath. "You could probably beat us both...if you were really lucky. Want to have a go?"

Bella held Victoria's eyes for a painfully long moment. Edward moved again, taking a step towards Victoria and making her growl. Bella stared at him with wide eyes.

_Stop. Don't move at all. This can't end in a fight, don't you see that?_

Bella crouched down into a defensive position, feeling her knees tremble under the weight of her body. Victoria was getting nervous; her breathing was accelerating, her hands curling into fists by her sides. She looked like a wild thing, trapped by two hunters. She was too dangerous, and they were too weak.

_I__f there's a fight, just run. Your safety is more important than anything_.

_Sorry, Diane,_ Bella thought as her heart raced in her throat and she readied her uncooperative legs to pounce. _Promises stopped meaning anything to me a long time ago_.

As if responding to Bella's thoughts, as if she could feel the steely determination forming a rock inside Bella's chest, Victoria straightened.

"Don't think this is anywhere near over," Victoria snarled. "This is just the beginning."

And before Bella had time to blink, she was gone.

Bella waited a few seconds, but before she gave it permission, her body fell to the floor. She pushed her forehead into the grass and laughed. "That was too...fucking close."

The grass tickled her lips as she took gasping breaths, but she couldn't find it in herself to care.

"Bella?"

Her heart stopped for a moment before picking up where it left off, crashing against her rib cage. His voice was exactly the same. There was some tension lying behind that single word, but the voice still sounded just like velvet and honey and made her body relax and tense at the same time.

"Bella?" he repeated. He sounded closer than before.

Bella turned her head but didn't look up. She tried to focus on the deep green grass that played with her hair.

"Just...give me a second."

She could see him in her periphery, standing not too far away. She felt embarrassed that she was lying on the floor with him just staring at her. It made her deeply uncomfortable in a way she couldn't exactly explain. So before her body was ready to give up the hard and springy ground, she pushed herself to her feet.

He was wearing loose-fitting jeans and a white t-shirt, but they were both ragged and dirty. His hair, which Bella could remember as being perfectly messily styled, was just plain messy. The skin underneath his eyes was so deeply bruised it looked like he had rubbed black paint on his skin. Bella thought that she had never seen anything so beautiful.

She tore her eyes away from him.

"Which way did she go?" Bella asked, hating herself for the way her voice trembled.

"Southeast, I think."

Bella nodded.

She wanted to yell at him. She wanted to hit him and scream at him and ask him why he had been so goddamned stupid. If she had been only seconds later, he probably would have died. She saw how his hands shook by his side. No, he _definitely_ would have died.

But what right did she have to lecture him? What was it to her if he tried to get himself killed?

Bella cleared her throat and stared at the ground.

"We should get going. We're supposed to rendezvous with Alice and Jasper at Iona Island."

"Are you sure you don't need another minute?"

This politeness was excruciating, but Bella had no idea how to break it.

"No, we should really leave."

Bella ran north, trying to not take in his scent when she ran past him. He smelled exactly the same as he did before. She could remember the time when he would breathe over her and the smell would make her whole body tingle. Now...well, it threw her body into a chaos of feelings that she didn't want to think about.

She could hear his footsteps behind her and was grateful that he didn't try to catch up or make small talk. She had no idea what to say to him. She wasn't sure she wanted to say anything to him at all. He had left her and broken her heart completely, but she was a different person now. Would he even recognize her?

"It's this way."

Bella let Edward overtake her and lead the way. She was jealous as she watched him glide effortlessly through the trees. Never since her change had she had her human weaknesses thrown into her face in such a painful way. And to think that she killed creatures like this one before her. It made her realize all over again how she was living on borrowed time.

Bella could smell the cars and concrete long before they reached the road to the tiny island. Edward slowed to a stop before the trees broke. She glanced at his face and thought that he looked anxious, before his expression was wiped clean again. She hated that he made her wonder what he was thinking.

"Come on," Bella said, walking out into the car park and spotting the little yellow car immediately.

Before she could take another step into civilization, Alice bowled into her like a cannon ball.

"Oomph," Bella grunted, staggering back to try and catch her balance.

"Thank you, Bella," Alice whispered into her ear, making Bella's breath catch in her throat.

Alice let Bella go and stared at her brother for a long time. She looked angry, confused, relieved and almost impossibly happy.

"You need to hunt," Alice said in a tight voice, taking Edward's hand and leading him back into the forest.

Bella stared at the place they had disappeared and let her mind just go blank for a moment.

"What are you feeling?" a voice behind her asked.

Bella felt Jasper stand beside her, but knew that his gaze was as far away as hers.

"I'm trying not to feel much at the moment." Bella smiled. "Is it killing you, not being able to know?"

Jasper turned and smiled back. "I always think of it as such a curse, but not knowing is like torture. Why can I not sense you now? I always used to be able to."

"My ability to block Edward was a foretelling of my future gift. All slayers can block vampires' talents. If we didn't, there wouldn't be many of us left. I know it's saved my ass a few times."

"Oh, yeah?" Jasper asked, unashamed curiosity in his voice. "Tell me a story."

Bella wondered if Jasper was trying to distract her from what was happening. She responded gratefully.

"One vampire could conjure up fireball–liked to torture her victims with it. Anyway, she threw it at me, my shield bounced it right back and set her on fire." Bella couldn't help but laugh a little at the memory. "Easiest fight I've ever had."

Jasper chuckled and shoved his hands in his pockets. She wondered whether talking about killing vampires made him uncomfortable. Then she noticed–for the first time–the thousands of tiny scars all over his neck and arms. She would recognize scars like that anywhere. Maybe Jasper was a bit more comfortable killing vampires than Bella had guessed.

"But the coolest talent I've ever seen," Bella continued. "It was about two years ago and there was this female vampire killing students on the university campus. So we got on her case and after about a week, Diane found her and killed her. Then, the next day, there was another murder on campus, exactly the same as before. And I mean _exactly_. Diane found the murderer and it was the same vampire she'd killed a few days ago."

Jasper frowned. "So what–she could bring herself back from the dead? Or, undead, I suppose."

Bella laughed. "That's what we thought for a while–really freaked us out. And she just kept killing–it was like a game for her. You'd think she'd split after she'd been killed a couple times. We tried tracing her back to where she was staying and that was what tipped us off. She had no scent."

"You're making this up."

"Cross my heart, no scent. We only found out what was happening because Diane went on a patrol on the Upper East Side and caught the scent of a new vampire. She breaks into this real fancy apartment and there our vampire is–passed out on the bed. Dead to the world. Have you guessed it yet?"

Jasper pulled an exaggerated confused look that almost made him look human. Bella laughed.

"Go on, not even one?"

"I couldn't begin to imagine," Jasper said, ruefully rubbing his chin.

"Astral projection," Bella said smugly. "She would send herself out into the city while she stayed safe and sound in her fancy apartment. Diane waited until she woke up and killed her. No more campus deaths after that. Well...no more vampire-related campus deaths after that. You know what students are like."

Jasper chuckled and they fell into silence. Bella took a moment to study him. She had never really looked at Jasper before. His presence had always been a little unnerving because of the distance he had kept from her. His blond hair was quite long and rumpled–but very artistically. He was wearing tan chinos and an orange and blue striped rugby shirt.

"Did Alice dress you?" Bella found herself asking without permission from the rest of her.

Jasper looked over at her in surprise, looked down at his clothes and chuckled.

"How could you tell?" he asked. Was he being sarcastic? "She's going through some kind of preppy boy phase at the moment. It's better than when she became obsessed with Japanese street fashion last year." Jasper shuddered "She made me wear a dress."

"It's called a _yukata_, Jasper." Alice's voice appeared as suddenly as the rest of her. "Honestly, have I taught you nothing?"

Edward appeared behind her, staring at Bella. His face was still clear, but Bella got the impression that Alice had enlightened him on some of the details. Thank God, she didn't want to have to explain that all over again. Bella caught his eyes for a moment, seeing their bright color, and looked away quickly.

"You've taught me that men will overcome their overwhelming fear of vampires to call a man in a dress a fag." Jasper shook his head in disappointment. "Apparently gender difference is more frightening than murderous mythical creatures."

"It's not a dress, it's a _yukata_. And you're not murderous."

"Oh, shit!"

Speaking of murderous, Bella had almost forgotten about the promise she had made to Diane. If Alice and Jasper thought that she had been mad before...

"Seriously, when did you get such a dirty mouth?" Alice asked.

Bella flipped her off–making Alice laugh–while she searched through her measly contact list and hit dial.

"Bella? Are you okay? Is everything okay? Are you okay?" Diane's panicked voice made Bella flinch away from the receiver. She didn't want to imagine what state the apartment was in.

"I'm fine, calm down." Bella walked away from the Cullens, even though she knew they would hear her perfectly from all the way across the parking lot.

Diane let out a deep breath. "Thank God. Did you get him? Edward? Is he alive?"

"Yes, he's fine. They just hunted; we'll be making our way back now. Speaking of hunting, I'm starving. Have we got anything in?"

"Wait a second..." Bella heard Diane banging around the kitchen and the unmistakable sound of something breaking. "Well, what the hell were you doing there?" Diane muttered to the unfortunate thing she killed. "We have bread, butter, one and a half hot dogs and a pickle, though I wouldn't recommend eating it. Feast fit for a king."

"If you want…" Alice was smiling gently at Bella when she turned around. "We can pick something up for you on the way home. It's the least we could do."

"No, really Alice, it's..."

"Did she just offer us food?" Diane asked loudly. "Are you turning down food? Why are you turning down food? Can we get a pizza from That Pizza Place?"

"Sure, what pizza place?" Alice asked.

"'That Pizza Place.'"

"Yeah, what pizza place?"

Bella knew she could keep this going for a long time and wanted to see how long it would take until Alice got really angry.

"It's the name of a takeout pizza place on Lafayette and Broadway."

Edward's voice was so quiet Bella almost couldn't hear it. His hands were in his pockets and his head was down. She had never seen him like that before, and it was beginning to scare her.

"Is that the other one?" Diane interrupted Bella's thought.

"Huh? Yeah."

"Okay. Get wings."

Bella slipped her phone back into her jacket pocket and sighed deeply. She looked at the Cullens and resigned herself to one hell of an uncomfortable car ride.

Jasper unlocked the car. Bella hovered awkwardly as she wondered how the seating was going to be arranged. She didn't want to be childish but there was no way she was getting in the back with Edward. Alice seemed to notice this–_or, Bella, she just wants to be near the brother she hasn't seen in seven years_–and pulled Edward into the back with her.

Bella slid into the front seat and immediately started trying to check out the gauges behind the steering wheel.

"Keep to your side of the car," Jasper said, pushing her back into her seat. He started the engine and skidded away.

"This car is so cool," Bella gushed, touching the dashboard in awe. "When did you get it?"

Something dark flashed across Jasper's face, but when he glanced at her, it had gone again.

"We bought it in New York. Alice has wanted one for a while. It was quicker to run from Chicago during the night time."

"Is that where you were before?" Bella asked. "Chicago?"

Jasper glanced into his rear-view mirror with tense eyes. Bella couldn't help but look behind her to see what was distracting Jasper so much. Alice and Edward were staring at each other so intensely that Bella could feel her skin prickle just looking at them. She wondered what Jasper was feeling from them.

Jasper cleared his throat. "Yes, we're all there. We're close to graduating from high school again. Esme has a thriving house restoration business, and Carlisle's working at the New Cook County Hospital."

"Cook County?" Edward's quiet voice asked from the back seat.

Jasper met his eyes in the mirror, and smiled slightly.

"Yes. It's been almost a hundred years–Carlisle thought it was time to go back."

"We wanted to feel close to you," Alice said softly. She crawled across the back seat and curled up against Edward's side. He didn't seem to react. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I didn't know it would take this long."

Bella's hand twitched to the door handle, wanting more than anything to run all the way back home. She caught Jasper's eyes and saw that he looked rather pained, too.

"So," Jasper said quietly. "What have you been up to, Bella? I think that your stories are going to be much more interesting than ours."

Bella shook her head. "No way, I've done enough explaining for a lifetime. Tell me about high school. Tell me about graduation. Is it as boring as people make out, or do they only say that because they don't want to hurt my feelings?"

"First off, you've hardly explained a thing," Jasper protested. "I know that you went off to be trained to kill vampires and now you do. That's nothing. And what do you mean, what's graduation like? Didn't you graduate high school?"

"Alas, I did not." Bella said wryly. "I got drafted before school ended."

"Drafted?"

"That's what we call it. Of course you don't have to go with them, but it was either go and learn to control myself or hide away from all human contact in fear that I'd break them."

Jasper shot her a long, measuring look. "How strong _are_ you, anyway? Stronger than a vampire? I know you're not faster than one."

"Not stronger either. Why do you think we needed three years training? I couldn't beat you in an arm wrestling match, but I could probably beat you in a fight."

Jasper chuckled shortly. "Oh, that's hilarious. Beat me in a fight...I used to _train_ vampires how to kill, I think I could take on a lousy human."

Bella frowned. "You used to...what?"

"No one ever told you?"

"Told me what?"

"I was drafted as well," Jasper said in a hard voice. "What do you know about the covens in the South?"

Bella sat up straight in her seat, looking at Jasper's scars with sudden realization. "You were part of the Vampire Wars?"

Jasper smiled grimly. "You don't stop surprising me, Bella. How do you know about them?"

"We weren't only trained in fighting. How are you supposed to hunt an enemy you don't know? The best from the Academy are sent to the South, to get in the way of the wars that still rage there, to try and prevent the amount of 'recruitments' the leaders make. Diane and I were lucky we weren't quite top notch."

"Yes, you were," Jasper said quietly in his deep voice. "It's a different world in the South. The North is, by comparison, very civilized. The covens in the South barely note the existence of humans, except as soldiers notice a herd of cows by the wayside–food for the taking. They only hide from the notice of the herd because of the Volturi."

Bella stared at Jasper's hard profile for a long moment, waiting for him to continue. She had only heard vague stories about the wars in the South–tersely muttered generalities that simultaneously heightened her curiosity and made her wish they wouldn't continue.

"I'd like to hear the rest of that story sometime," Bella muttered eventually. "And you say I don't tell you everything."

Jasper just smiled tightly and stared out of the windshield. This is the Jasper she remembered–silent and cold, keeping his distance. But even Bella could feel the tension in the car, and she certainly did not envy Jasper's ability to feel every emotion swirling almost perceptibly in the air.

Luckily, they reached Manhattan quickly and Jasper expertly found the restaurant, pulling up on Broadway. Bella climbed out of the car and was surprised that Jasper followed her.

They made their way silently into the shop, waiting behind the gaggle of people who shared the secret of the greasy heaven that only George could make.

"You look...curious?" Jasper asked. "I'm sorry, I'm not used to having to depend on faces to figure out feelings."

Bella smiled. "No, you're doing good. I am curious. You always used to avoid me like the plague–or whatever the vampire equivalent to a plague is I guess. Now you're being all friendly. No offense, but what gives?"

Jasper chuckled. Bella wondered whether Jasper ever actually laughed, or if he only knew how to chuckle. "You're a lot blunter than you used to be. It was too difficult to be close to you, before; I worried I might lose control, and I didn't want to hurt you." Jasper ducked his head. "And I was right, wasn't I?"

"Jasper." Bella waited until he looked at her. "You can't think I blame you for that. I've seen a lot of vampires since I got drafted, and I've never seen vampires like you. The amount of control you have is unbelievable. I never really appreciated it before as much as I do now. So don't you dare feel bad about that." The silence that followed was painfully uncomfortable, and Bella had to break it. "In fact, I'm kind of insulted," she said jokily. "Why can you be around me now? I have it on good authority that I still smell really yummy."

"I didn't mean any offense–you smell very edible," Jasper smiled. "I just know that if I _did_ lose control again, you could stop me."

"Damn straight." Bella smirked and pushed her way to the front to order an obscenely heart-stopping meat feast, chicken wings and bottle of cola. Jasper paid and they squeezed into a corner to wait for the food.

"It's much easier to be around you now," Jasper said. "You're shielded from my talent and if I concentrate on you, it makes everything else more...muted."

Bella looked out of the window at the yellow sports car parked on the curb.

"How are they doing?" Bella whispered, hoping that Alice and Edward were not listening. "I can't tell what Edward is thinking. He's being so..." She hesitated, trying to find a word. The thing is, she had no idea what Edward was being.

Jasper sighed, looking uncomfortable with the question and with the hot bodies pressing together in the tiny space.

"It's difficult to tell. I've tried manipulating his emotions into something a bit calmer–something more coherent–but somehow it's not making any difference. He's definitely in shock, which is certainly understandable–but we haven't seen Edward in a long time. We have caught up with him once or twice over the years, when Alice could track his whereabouts in her visions. Apart from that, we really don't know what he's been doing, apart from tracking Victoria. I don't think he's talked to anyone in a very long time."

Bella looked down to hide the tears that had inexplicably pooled in her eyes.

"What the fuck was he thinking?" Bella muttered harshly. "What on earth happened?"

"Come on, your pizza's ready."

The ride back was completely silent, but after what Jasper said, Bella just wasn't in the mood to make small talk. She was angry and frightened, but more than anything she was bone tired. She wanted to go home, stuff her face with this sinful box of cardiac arrest and then pass out.

Faster than Bella thought possible, Jasper pulled up outside the ugly apartment block she called home.

"This is me," Bella said lightly, but secretly feeling immensely relieved.

"Will we see you tomorrow?" Alice asked from the back. It had been such a long time since she had last spoken, it made Bella jump.

"Um, well I work nine to seven. Diane and I have dinner, then we go off patrolling. Diane gets back around five thirty."

"Would it be alright if we came with you?" Alice asked. "Patrolling, I mean. We should start on Kahled as soon as possible."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's fine." Bella scrambled out of the car, trying to balance the food as she tried to get out of the inappropriately tiny door. "Well then...guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

She didn't know why she framed it as a question; all she knew was that she wanted to get the hell out of Dodge. The feeling of vampires being so close to her for so long had made her feel twitchy, and even though her body was exhausted, she could hardly resist the urge to break something.

Without waiting for a response to her non-question, she slammed the door and ran all the way to her apartment. She almost wished they had never made the deal–if she couldn't handle them for an hour, how was she supposed to handle them for the days–or weeks–it took to take care of Kahled?

Who knew reuniting with your vampire ex-boyfriend and his vampire family could be so stressful?

**A/N: I would really like to know what you guys think. Drop me a review?**


	7. Puzzles

**Disclaimer: None of the characters you recognize are mine. So that leaves Diane. That's fine, I like her.**

The next day passed far too quickly, probably because Bella dreaded nothing more than that's night patrol. Diane had agreed that they should start searching for Kahled as soon as possible. Bella thought that she wanted to move quickly in case the Cullens changed their minds and split before their part of the deal was over.

They had talked only briefly the night before, before Bella excused herself to fall into an exhausted and jarring sleep. Diane had been very impressed with Bella's cross-country excursion. Though they had run further, and probably faster, in training, Nepal had been years ago for both of them. It worried Bella how much fitness she had lost since training, but she couldn't imagine at what point in her day she could fit in any exercise.

When the clock struck seven and Kaylee came in to take over her shift, Bella hesitated at the door again. She couldn't remember a time before she had actually wanted to stay in the restaurant and dreaded going home. No, that wasn't true. There was that time Diane had dated that policewoman from the station. There was only so much a person could take.

"What's wrong, Bella?" Jeff the chef asked. "You have been so distracted the past couple of days. You were going to leave without this."

Bella turned to see Jeff with a Styrofoam container filled with one of his works of art.

"Oh my God, thank you so much," Bella gushed, taking the food from him. "If I'd forgotten this, Diane...would not be happy. I think you just saved my life."

"Is that what is bothering you?" Jeff the chef asked, idly stirring a huge pot of carrot soup. "Are you fighting with Diane?"

"No, of course not. Diane's been really great, recently."

"Ah," Jeff said, as though he had uncovered a great secret. "This is about a boy."

For some reason, Bella felt heat rush to her face.

"I knew it," Jeff said smugly. "Tell me all about it."

Bella sighed and twitched, suddenly wishing she had escaped when she had had the chance.

"No, it's not like that," Bella mumbled. "It's...it's an ex."

"Oh dear, I sympathize."

"I..." Bella groaned at her sudden inability to talk. "It's...complicated. We're sort of working together, helping each other out. But...what the hell am I supposed to say to him?"

"You liar," Jeff said accusingly, pointing a dripping ladle at her. "You said he was an ex. You did not say he was _the_ex."

"Yes, okay, he's _the_ex. I haven't seen him in almost eight years, and I think he's been...I get the impression he's had a hard time since then. We both have, I suppose. We've both changed a lot. I don't know how to speak to him. It took me a very long time to get over him, but...Jeff, it still hurts. How pathetic is that?"

Jeff shook his head. "It's not pathetic at all. My first love? Her name was Cynthia. I am very happily married with two beautiful children, but I think of Cynthia, and my heart still hurts. I cannot imagine seeing her again. But if I did...I have to tell you that I would not let her see how much it pains me. I would want her to think that my life was great without her. Maybe that is childish of me, but I can't help it."

"Do you think it would be possible to be friends with your Cynthia?"

Jeff thought for a long time, staring into the soup as though it held the answers to life, the universe and everything.

"I do not think I could, but I am not you, and you are not me."

"You are a wise man, Jeff, but like all wise men, you're bloody useless. Wish me luck."

"I should not, because you are rude to me, but I will anyway. Good luck."

Bella got back to her apartment quickly, thinking that she could take the half hour or so before Alice said they would come around getting changed and making herself look good without making it appearing like she was trying. She knew that Jeff was right–deep down she wanted Edward (and Alice and Jasper for that matter) to think she had a great life, and that them leaving her hadn't turned her into a shell of her former self.

She unlocked the door to the apartment, ready to pick her way across a sea of displaced shoes in the doorway, only to stumble over nothing but air. Bella looked at the floor with more bewilderment than might have been appropriate.

"Diane, did you _clean_?"

Bella looked for her in the kitchen and felt her breath catch in her throat.

Edward Cullen was standing in her kitchen, holding a large spoon and wearing a tattered apron.

"Edward came over and cooked for us," Diane said from her station at the kitchen table, mouth half-full with food. "Have a taste–it's gorgeous."

"I can serve you a plate, if you want."

Edward's voice was still quiet, but it was a lot softer than it had been yesterday. In fact, the whole of him looked softer, like someone had smudged the lines of him.

"That would be nice, thanks. I'll just put this in..."

Bella opened the refrigerator, expecting to be able to shove Jeff's food onto an empty shelf, only to see the fridge bursting with all kinds of food. Shocked, she turned to Edward.

"Alice took me shopping for clothes today," he explained, smiling ever so slightly. Bella could remember how that crooked smile used to bring her to her knees. Now it lacked the cockiness that used to make it shine. "So we picked up some groceries for you on the way home. I hope that's alright."

Thankfully, Alice hadn't forced Edward into any preppy-boy monstrosity. He was wearing artfully worn, slim-fitting jeans with a plain black t-shirt that clung to his chest. His hair was in its usual state of gloriousness. Bella couldn't help but feel that old inadequacy as she thought of her cheap black trousers and white shirt, her hair thrown into a messy bun by a couple of pens she had stolen from the restaurant.

"Of course it's alright," she muttered. "I'll just..." She spent a couple of minutes trying to force the container into the fridge.

"Just throw it out," Diane said, holding her plate out to Edward for more. "We've got enough food in there to last a month."

"And who's going to cook?" Bella snapped, frustrated that it just wouldn't fit. "You?"

"As a matter of fact, Miss Snotty, Edward said he's going to cook for us for as long as he's here."

Edward smiled bashfully, and Bella wished that he'd cut it out because it was strange and annoyingly adorable. "It's the least I could do, and I don't have anything better to do with my time."

Great, Bella thought. So she'd have to deal with Edward every day, along with Diane. She briefly wondered if she could take on another shift at the restaurant.

"Here's your meal."

Bella ate Edward's offering, hating that it was so good. It was a lentil and chicken curry, and it was just the right amount of spicy, with the chicken so tender that it fell apart in her mouth. She hated that, even with her new powers, she felt less than him again.

"Well, I'm going to have a quick shower," Diane announced, standing up and missing the alarmed look on Bella's face.

Bella picked at her food, disturbingly aware of Edward's gaze on her. She wanted to say something smart and sharp, but her intelligence seemed to have left her. Even without saying much, Edward seemed to be able to force her to regress to pre-slaying Bella. She resented it.

"How was work today?"

Oh brilliant, and now he was going to force small talk on her. Bella cleared her throat.

"Good...it was okay. Pretty boring. How was your day shopping with Alice?"

Edward scratched his neck. Bella was struck again by how well the Cullens played human.

"As well as can be expected, I suppose," he said, looking at the floor. "With Alice, it's best to just go along for the ride."

Bella took the time he was looking away to study him again. His long eyelashes cast shadows across his cheekbones and his skin almost shone in the harsh kitchen light. His arms were loose against his sides and he stood, relaxed, resting his weight on his right leg.

"You seem better," Bella said without thinking. She blushed, making Edward smile again. "I mean...you look better than yesterday. You seem more..." she floundered, feeling relieved when Edward interrupted.

"I feel better." His eyes were soft as he looked at her, and Bella had to look away.

"Yesterday, I was rather shocked. As I'm sure you can imagine."

Bella stood up suddenly. "I'm going to get changed." She left the room, but turned back quickly. "Did you put our shoes..."

"I put yours in your closet," Edward said, looking bashful again. "I'm sorry if I..."

"No, that's fine," Bella said quickly. "They needed putting away."

Anxious to escape, Bella threw herself into her bedroom and closed the door behind her. She slumped against the door, breathing deeply.

The sound of the shower shutting off forced Bella to move, climbing onto her bed to reach into her wall closet. She looked at her clothes in exasperation, wondering why she owned so many novelty t-shirts. She hadn't had such childish clothes even when she was a child.

She chose her white 'I NNY' t-shirt, because it was obscure enough that everyone might not realize what a dork she was.

Quickly pulling on some baggy jeans and a zip-up hoodie, Bella grabbed a pair of worn sneakers and went back into the lion's den.

Luckily, Bella had entered moments after Diane, giving her a perfect buffer for terribly polite conversation with Edward.

The intercom buzzed, announcing Alice and Jasper's arrival. Diane buzzed them up, the sleeve of her jacket slipping down with the action.

Bella saw Edward stand up straight suddenly, and her and Diane turned to see him staring at the many white scars marring Diane's skin.

Diane chuckled. "Cool, huh?" She pushed her sleeve back and rubbed her hand against her arm in a gesture that made Bella think of Jasper. "My battle wounds. I usually use make-up to cover them, but when I go hunting I want them on show. Make a vamp pause for thought."

It certainly seemed to have made Edward pause. The scars on Diane's skin shone brightly, her dark skin making them visible even to human eyes, which was why she had to cover them with make-up. Bella never had a problem with hers, her pale skin causing the scars to blend in with her color.

"I don't understand," Edward said carefully.

Diane opened the front door, allowing Alice and Jasper to enter before they knocked.

"It takes more than a little bite to get us down," Diane said proudly, loving the sharp attention of the vampires. "We wouldn't be very good slayers if we became incapacitated by a single bite. The venom hurts like a bitch, but you have to take a real chunk out of us to start any change."

Bella shuddered involuntarily, causing Edward to look at her curiously. She didn't want to explain how she was remembering Nepal, how the instructors had let a vampire loose on the trainees in the last year of training, and how it had bitten half way through a girl's neck. She had screamed so loudly the sound still made Bella's skin crawl. The instructors had killed her whilst the rest of them took care of the vampire.

"That's pretty dangerous, you know," Alice said cheekily. "Telling vegetarian vampires that they can have a taste and it wouldn't even matter."

Diane snorted and placed her hands on her hips. "You want to try it, go right ahead."

"Keep it in your pants, Di," Bella said. "Let's get going."

After a brief row where Alice insisted that everyone could fit into her car and Diane said that no way in hell was she squishing into an obnoxious yellow box with a bunch of vamps, the motley crew walked to Livonia Avenue subway station.

Alice looked at everything around her with a curious disgust and Jasper got irrationally angry when the ticket machine wouldn't take his money. Edward just stood there, hands in his pockets with a tiny crooked smile on his face. Bella and Diane swiped their metrocards and waited for the vampires to navigate New York City Transit technology.

Bella couldn't help but giggle as they climbed onto the Manhattan-bound L train. She had never seen anyone more out of place than the Cullens in a subway car. Alice stared out of the window, her eyes moving impossibly fast as she watched the train speed along. Edward was staring curiously at the other passengers, who shied away from the beautiful creatures that made them inexplicably nervous.

"I should bring you lot with me on my way to work in the morning," Bella said as she watched the other passengers edge away from them. "I might actually be able to breathe."

"I can always give you a lift," Alice said quickly, turning away from the fascinating lights that whizzed by the window. "It's no trouble. We're only in Brooklyn Heights, after all."

She should have just kept her mouth shut. "Er...if you're sure."

"Positive," Alice squeaked, clapping her hands together. Jasper smiled at her as though she was the most adorable thing he had ever seen. It made Bella feel nauseous.

"So, what's the plan for tonight?" Diane asked.

"Tonight is purely reconnaissance," Jasper said in a hard voice. Bella looked at him in surprise. He suddenly looked taller, harsher and more intimidating. She couldn't help but be impressed. "Kahled is a complete unknown and we are not going to engage him until we know more about him–his haunts, his style, his strength. If you find his trail be careful to keep your distance–we're not ready for a fight yet."

"So in other words," Bella interrupted. "If you get too close, leg it?"

One side of Jasper's mouth curled up into a reluctant smile. "Yes, ma'am."

Alice made a strange noise in the back of her throat. Bella turned and caught the rather disturbing dewy-eyed expression on her face as she stared at her husband.

"Ew," Bella decided.

"How's this going to work?" Diane piped up, smirking. "Are we going vampires one group, humans another? Boys and girls? Color coordination?"

"Maybe we should split abilities," Alice suggested. "Then each group will be more protected."

Diane shot Alice a suspicious glare. "I thought you were the only one with a talent, and that it's useless when you're around us."

"Edward and Jasper have talents too," Alice said, standing her ground. "Jasper can feel and influence people's emotions and Edward can read minds. They won't work on you, but they will work on the people around us, including Kahled."

"I'm so glad I have a shield," Diane muttered with wide eyes.

"Tell me about it," Bella replied.

"Diane has more experience, right?" Alice asked in a voice that made Bella nervous. "So maybe she should go alone with Jasper, and Bella can come with Edward and I."

Bella tried not to react, but she had to exert a great amount of self-control to not pull Alice's arm off and beat her with it.

"Are you alright with that?" Bella asked casually, trying to keep the panic out of her voice.

Diane sized Jasper up with narrowed eyes. Bella was impressed that Jasper didn't shy away. "He'll do. But if you try anything, I won't hesitate to take you down," Diane threatened, throwing a wink in Bella's direction.

Bella gave her a weak smile in return. This was going to be a long night.

"I'm bored."

Bella sighed deeply in exasperation, wondering if Edward would stop her from hitting Alice. She glanced at Edward's face. He definitely wouldn't.

"Alice, just concentrate," Bella snapped.

They continued walking along for about thirty seconds before Alice whined again.

"_Bellaaa_."

"Oh my God, what?" Bella asked loudly, stopping suddenly. "What is it, Alice? What do you want me to do? Tell me and I will do it."

Alice pouted but Bella refused to be placated. Alice had been complaining for the past hour and she was ready to crack.

"How do you do this every night?" Alice asked. "It's so _boooring_."

"It's not boring, it's peaceful. It's the only time in my day when I can just think."

They split up as they passed a group of teenage boys, who were all singing something that may have had words, once.

"Alright, darling?" one of them muttered as they passed, tripping over his own feet and barreling toward Bella. She skipped onto the road to avoid him and heard a heavy thud and a pitiful "ow" as he lost the battle to stay upright.

Alice laughed daintily. "You know, I actually put a hand out to steady you. I'm not used to you not being clumsy. I'm not sure I like it."

"Sorry to disappoint."

"When you…changed, did you naturally become more graceful?"

Bella laughed loudly. "God, no, it was the complete opposite. At first none of us had any control over our bodies or the strength in them. Imagine being a newborn, but being around humans and human objects, having no idea what was happening to you but having to act normal, knowing that you couldn't touch anything or anyone because you just didn't know how much power was going to break them. You're just a mess."

Bella concentrated on the sidewalk beneath her feet. She hadn't meant to say so much and didn't want to see the pity in Alice's eyes.

"That must have been…difficult," Alice said, her voice strained.

Bella shrugged it off. "The control I have over my body came from lots and lots of training. Most of the exercises we did were rooted in combat, but everything we did there was about gaining control. The first day we got to the Academy–"

"Yes!" Alice's shriek startled a girl walking on the other side of the street.

"What?" Bella asked, rather startled herself.

Alice clapped her hands together. She looked entirely too perky now–Bella almost wished she would start sulking again. "You're going to tell an Academy story! Finally! Go on, go on, tell us, what did you get on your first day?"

Suddenly embarrassed, Bella shoved her hands deep into her pockets. She glanced over at Edward to find him studying her curiously. He had been extremely quiet the whole patrol, but this was seemingly normal for him now. She wasn't entirely sure how it made her feel. She didn't think she wanted to talk to him, but she had a feeling that something was wrong and for some reason that bothered her.

"It's not a particularly interesting story," Bella said quickly, distracting herself from her thoughts. "I'm not even sure you could call it a story. When you arrive at the Academy, they give you this puzzle box. It's wooden, about this size," she held her fingers about two inches apart, "and it only opens if you apply perfect pressure at these tiny, almost invisible points, in a specific order. They gave them to us to help us practice our control and, I think, to keep us going crazy from boredom when we weren't training.

"Anyway," Bella smiled to herself. "These boxes were pretty near impossible, especially at the start. I could barely touch anything without breaking it, so having exact control over the power I was using was a bit beyond me. Any time we weren't fighting or in lessons we'd be trying to figure them out. I got into mine after ten months and was one of the first. There was a story that one guy had managed to crack it after two months, but I choose to ignore that."

Bella turned her head and started to laugh at the inappropriately absorbed look on Alice's face. She briefly wondered how Alice would react to a _real_ story from Nepal.

"You said you got bored when you weren't training," Alice said with wide eyes, barely taking her eyes off of Bella to look where she was going. "Didn't you have much to do?"

Bella let out a rather rueful chuckle. "Much to do? We were literally in the middle of nowhere, high in the mountains, hundreds of miles from the nearest town or village. We had one tiny generator that would–very occasionally–provide enough power for some of the lucky few to have a hot shower. Training and classes took up ten hours of every day–most of the time at least–then we had duties around the compound like cooking, fetching water, stuff like that. Don't get me wrong, we had some time off. We had four days every month to ourselves, and sometimes we would travel to town. But no, we really didn't have much to do and at the end of most days we were far too tired to come up with anything particularly exciting."

Bella shrugged, concentrating on the sound of a distant ambulance siren. Alice's scrutiny was making her uncomfortable.

"The Academy was in Nepal, wasn't it?" Alice asked, something strange in her voice. "Where, exactly?"

Bella shook her head. "Really can't tell you that, Alice. Sorry. You shouldn't even know it's in Nepal. Do me a favor? If you ever meet Aro, don't let him touch you."

"Of course not. Did you ever go–"

"_Alice_."

Bella jumped slightly at Edward's growl. His expression was fierce as he glared at Alice, who stared resolutely back. Curiosity bubbled in Bella's stomach, but she pushed it down. It really wasn't any of her business.

"Little Himalayan town," Alice said defiantly. "Called Ghunsa. Ever go there?"

A shudder rolled up Bella's spine and she fought to control a gasp. Why would Alice ask about Ghunsa? Did she…no, of course she couldn't know. Even Diane didn't know about that. So why the _fuck_ was Alice asking about Ghunsa?

"Bella, what is it?"

"What?" she snapped.

Alice hesitated. "I said 'Ghunsa' and you practically flinched. What's wrong?"

Bella stopped walking and went completely still. "Can you smell that?"

"Damn it, Bella," Alice said in a tired but frustrated tone. "Don't change the subject. You were _finally_ talking about something _real_."

"I'm being serious." Bella turned toward the direction of the scent, feeling the hairs rise on the back of her neck. "Tell me you can smell that."

Edward turned with her, his face troubled and yet oddly relieved. "What _is_ it?"

"Come on."

Bella led the way to the house the disturbing scent was emanating from, feeling Alice's stare on her back. It was a wooden slatted house, the blue paint peeling and looking worn. All of the lights were out and the night made no sound.

"Down here."

Bella followed Edward to the side of the house, to where a shaky wooden fence closed off the back garden. It was locked, but with a gentle shake, the lock gave way.

"Oh my God."

Kahled's victim lay on the ground before them. His body looked surprisingly peaceful, but Bella knew that was because Kahled had laid him out that way. The way he had died had not been peaceful, not at all, and the scream forever imprinted into the victim's face–lying a few feet from the body–could attest to the torture he had endured.

Bella could see the evidence of the change that had wracked the victim's body: the skin that was in the process of turning from brown to deathly white, the eyes that were already a dirty red. Like Diane had guessed, Bella supposed that he had gone through two days of the change before Kahled decapitated him.

But he'd changed his M.O. Kahled had never moved the body before–he had left his family where he had killed them, in his family home; his next victim he had kept in an abandoned warehouse and left there when he had moved on. Why the change now?

"That is so horrible."

Alice looked at the body with complete disgust and fear. Bella could only imagine what this poor man had gone through–Alice and Edward knew exactly, and she could tell they were remembering it as they gazed at the body.

"You said that a newborn is doing this?" Edward asked, his jaw tight.

"Unfortunately," Bella sighed. "What should we do with the body? We can't just leave it here."

"Why not?" Alice asked, obviously distressed. "His family will want to have a proper burial for him."

"Yes, but Alice, the police already have two bodies like this. If we let it get out of control, the Volturi will get involved, and they won't be happy."

"I thought you said the Volturi didn't bother you?"

Bella rubbed her eyes, suddenly very tired. "I don't want any Volturi in New York," she said quietly. "Our understanding with Aro is delicate, and if they come, I won't be able to do anything to stop them feeding. I don't want to let vicious vampires loose in my city. So we're going to deal with this on our own, okay?"

They both nodded, but Bella could tell that Alice was still upset.

"So we're agreed?" Bella asked, forcing Alice to look at her. "We should get rid of the body?"

"I'll do it," Edward valiantly offered, rolling up his sleeves.

"There's no need," Bella said, pulling a little plastic bag from her pocket. "You two might want to get back."

Bella waited until they were a safe distance away before sprinkling the green powder over the body. She quickly lit a match and threw it down, stepping back as the body set ablaze.

"He'll be gone in a few minutes," Bella muttered, putting her matchbook back into her pocket with shaking hands.

"What is that?" Edward asked, holding his hand out to have a look.

"Be careful not to get any on you," Bella warned. She placed the bag into his hand, trying not to touch his skin with her own, but trying not to be obvious about it. She succeeded until he curled his hand to hold it and his fingers brushed hers. She pulled her hand back quickly, looking up at him to see him watching her closely. She looked away and took a step back.

"I got it from the Quileutes," Bella said, trying to control her voice. "Comes in real handy, too."

"The Quileutes?"

"Yeah, I'm good friends with Jake. Jacob Black," Bella clarified, looking at Edward for any recognition. "I think you met his grandfather–Ephraim Black."

Edward's face looked stormy, but he nodded. "Yes, I remember." He handed the bag back, painfully careful this time not to touch her.

Tucking it away, Bella noticed that the fire was fading and that nothing remained but a burnt patch of grass.

"We should get going again," she said.

They left once more, heading back onto the streets, losing Kahled's vague scent just a few yards away from the body. Alice didn't claim to be bored anymore. Bella didn't tell any more stories.

**A/N: What do you think? I know Edward's moodiness is a bit of an anticlimax from last chapter, but hey, I had to keep him in character. Answers are coming and we'll get in his head soon. It's a messy, melodramatic place, but that's why we love him. **


	8. MIA

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Dr Who or Star Trek. The only thing I own is, apparently, pathetically nerdy obsessions.**

Bella staggered back home after work, wondering if she had enough time before patrol to have a nap. She was even willing to give up a home-cooked meal just so that she could get a couple of hours rest.

After they had finished patrolling, Diane and Bella left the Cullens by their car with a solemn farewell. All they had learned from the evening was that Kahled had possibly changed his style of killing, which meant that he was unpredictable, and therefore less likely to catch in a routine. None of them had found a hint of his scent, except for the vague smell of vampire near the body.

Bella had wanted to go to bed, but Diane had other plans.

For hours, Diane ranted about Jasper and how he was an arrogant, ignorant imbecile who knew nothing about anything. Apparently, Jasper had told her that he had been in the Confederate Army and–worst of all–that he had actually lied about his age to join. They had spent most of the patrol arguing about the causes and effects of the Civil War apparently unable to agree on any single detail.

Bella asked hopefully if Diane wanted to swap partners because she really didn't know enough about the American Civil War, and so she couldn't be too offended by Jasper's take on it.

"No way," Diane said angrily. "We're going to sort this out once and for all. That son of a bitch can't wheedle his way out of this by listing fancy historical facts at me. If he thinks slavery is an acceptable industry, I'm going to get him to admit it. And then I'm going to kick his ass."

Diane was still fuming when she left for work in the morning, but luckily she had booked overtime. Hopefully, by the time she came back at nine that evening, she would have calmed down.

Climbing into bed and pulling the covers over her head, Bella dialed Alice's number and closed her eyes.

"Hello, Bella!" Alice chirped after the first ring.

"Hey, Alice," Bella muttered sleepily. "Listen, I'm wiped. Can you tell Edward not to bother coming round tonight? I'm just going to sleep until Diane gets back."

There was a long pause, making Bella think that the line had been disconnected.

"Hello? Alice?"

"He's not with you?"

Alice's voice was just a whisper, and it made Bella sit up, the covers falling around her.

"No. Why would he be? Alice, what's wrong?"

"I thought he was with you," Alice said, anxiety lacing her voice. "He went out earlier, saying that he wanted to go for a walk, and that he'd be at your place before you got back. To make you dinner."

"He hasn't been anywhere near the apartment all day," Bella said. "I can tell. And how could he get in the apartment before me?"

"Diane gave him a key."

"Really?" Bella found this very strange. Why would Diane give Edward a key to their apartment? Bella shook herself; this wasn't the most important thing at the moment. "So he's not here yet, Alice. I'm sure he's just running late."

"Wait a second, Bella."

Bella listened apprehensively as Alice asked for Jasper's phone. Bella could hear the generic voice mail message and Alice's intake of breath.

"He's not picking up," Alice said, her worried voice making Bella even more nervous, even though she wasn't sure what she was supposed to be nervous about. "And I can't get a fix of him in my visions. That's why I thought he was with you. Sometimes I see an empty street, but it could be anywhere. It might not even be in New York."

"Alice, calm down," Bella said loudly. "What exactly do you think has happened?"

Alice took a shuddering breath. It sounded like she was crying. "Isn't it obvious? He's run away again. I only just got him back."

Bella's heart stopped and started back up in her throat. Her hands were shaking, and she tried to control the urge to break something. _Like__Edward__'__s__face_.

Over the phone, Bella heard someone take the phone away from Alice's stilted breathing.

"We'll be over in five," Jasper muttered before ending the call.

Bella sat in stunned silence for a moment. She wanted to call Diane, but she knew that there was nothing to say. She hated that she couldn't tell Diane everything because she was the one person that Bella talked to when she felt this messed up. Having such a huge secret felt like an ultimate betrayal, but she wouldn't risk losing Diane over the past.

Bella couldn't get her head around the fact that Edward had run away again. She had only known him for a short time in the scheme of things, but nothing she knew about Edward would explain his behavior. Sure, he had been moody and rather self-involved, but he had never been this _selfish_.

Alice's car came roaring up beside her building five minutes later, and Bella scrambled from where she had sat immobilized in her bed to buzz them in.

"Alice..."

Alice wrapped her arms around Bella and tucked her head into her shoulder. Bella squeezed back just as tightly, looking over her shoulder to see Jasper looking tense and angry.

"Shhh, Alice. It's okay, I'm here."

"I missed him so much," Alice whispered into Bella's blouse. "I really thought he'd stay this time."

Bella led Alice to a green plastic chair and lowered her into it. Bella made herself a cup of tea, wishing she could make something comforting for Alice as well.

"Is there no clue as to where he is?" Bella asked as the kettle boiled. "No street names? Identifiable buildings?"

Jasper put his hand on Alice's shoulder as she shook her head. "He's not making any decisions, and the ones he does make are just flashes. It's like he's trying to stop me from seeing." Alice ran a hand through her spiky hair and laughed bitterly. "Even if I could see, it wouldn't make any difference. He'd just run away again."

Bella accidentally poured boiling water over her hand when she quickly looked at Alice.

"Why?" she demanded. "Why does he run away? Alice, what is he running from?"

Alice opened her mouth but shut it again and lowered her eyes to study the table. "I don't know," she murmured. "We went separate ways when we left Forks. He said he needed to be on his own for a while, but he promised he'd find us when he was ready. He kept his phone on him for the first two years, and he'd answer it if we called enough times, but then he left it behind in Costa Rica."

"Jasper said that you saw him a couple of times, when you found him with your visions. What was he doing then? He can't have been tracking Victoria for eight years."

Alice shared a long look with Jasper over her shoulder.

"He wasn't...tracking her, that is," Alice said in a low voice. "He tried, but she led him all over the place. There were years at a time when he had no trace of her at all. The times we found him, it was because I saw a vision that could place him somewhere, and he would stay there long enough for us to get to him. Most of the time he kept moving, but sometimes..."

Alice didn't seem able to finish her sentence.

"He mostly stayed in the slums in Southern American cities." Jasper took over. "He wouldn't feed for months at a time, and it would put him in a near catatonic state. Vampires can't die from thirst, but not feeding makes us very weak. Once, when we found him, he was just lying in the roof structure of a large house. He didn't even recognize us."

Bella gripped her mug of tea tightly, until the heat made her skin prickle, trying to ground herself.

"We forced him to hunt," Jasper continued. "As soon as he was strong enough, he would slip away, and we'd have to rely on Alice's visions to keep track of him again."

Bella opened her mouth but no sound came out. Alice reached out and took one of Bella's hands, squeezing tightly.

The terrible thing was, the way Edward was acting reminded Bella a hell of a lot like how she had been when he had first left. She couldn't understand what would make Edward behave like this.

Bella was about to ask–for what felt like the thousandth time–what had happened to break him, when Alice's head shot up.

"Alice?"

Without warning, Alice ran out of the door so quickly Bella could hardly see her. Exchanging a quick glance, Jasper and Bella took off after her. Bella arrived a few moments after Jasper to see Alice wrapped around a confused looking Edward just a few steps away.

"What's the matter?" Edward asked. His eyes lost their focus for a moment, and his whole face softened. "Oh, Alice. I'm so sorry."

Alice made a choking noise. "Where have you been?"

Edward patted Alice awkwardly on the back, looking at Jasper's hard face and quickly looking away again.

"I didn't go anywhere," he said soothingly. "I just took a walk. I lost track of time. Alice, I didn't go anywhere."

Alice stepped away and searched in Edward's jacket pocket for a moment before pulling out his cell phone.

"If you go wandering off," she growled, rather unconvincingly. "Turn this on, idiot head."

Edward smiled down at her, taking the phone and turning it on. "Done. I'm sorry, Alice. It's been a long time since I had to answer to anyone."

Bella turned and stormed back into her apartment. She hated how Edward was so completely forgiven. She wanted to yell at him, but she knew she had no reason to be so angry. It wasn't her that he had hurt so much over the years.

Bella slammed the door to her apartment, but was prevented from having an angry, scalding hot shower by the sound of someone knocking on the door.

She knew it was Edward on the other side–she could smell him. She didn't know whether she wanted to ignore him and scrub every part of her until it hurt, or let him in and...the way they were going so far she would probably be excruciatingly polite and not say what she was really feeling.

Sighing, Bella crossed to the door and opened it. Edward was there, hands in his pockets, looking at her through his eyelashes. He looked confused and a little hurt, and the fact that he made her heart skip made her even angrier.

"What?" she snapped. Apparently she couldn't make herself be polite anymore.

"You're angry at me," Edward said softly.

"What gave you that impression?" Bella said in her most effective sarcastic snarl.

"I meant...why are you angry with me?"

Bella rolled her eyes and indicated that he should come in. It seemed that Edward was keen on dragging this out. Well, she was happy to oblige.

"How could you be so selfish?" Bella said, getting right to the heart of the matter.

Edward ducked his head. "I know, it's my fault. I didn't mean to stay away so late..."

"Not _that_," Bella snapped. "I mean, yeah, that was stupid, but _God_, Edward. Do you have any idea what you've put your family through since you went on your self-destruct mission? How much you've hurt Alice? She loves you so much, and you just kept running away. How could you be so _fucking_ selfish?"

Edward's face flicked through surprise, hurt and then settled on wary defensiveness.

"I never meant to hurt anyone..."

She couldn't help but laugh.

"Bella." Edward's voice was stern, and it made her hackles rise. "Calm down. You don't understand ..."

"No, I don't understand," Bella interrupted again. "I've been trying, but no one's explained shit. What could be so important that you would abandon everyone that lo...your whole family?"

Edward's body seemed to fold in on itself. He took a step toward her, but she took one back, knocking into the whiteboard but not caring.

"I..." Edward sighed, running a hand through his hair and making it even more rumpled than usual.

Bella waited but–as usual–no one wanted to explain anything to her.

"Come on, Edward, I think we're past evasions now."

Edward shot her a sharp look. "No. I don't think we are at all."

She drew herself up to her full height. "I've grown up a lot since we last met. Don't handle me with kiddie gloves."

"There are things you don't want to hear, things I don't think you want me to tell you," Edward said, crossing his arms across his chest. "Just like there are things you think I don't want to hear."

"You don't _deserve_ an explanation; _I_do," Bella said in a strained voice. She wasn't entirely sure where she was going with this, but her mouth wanted to keep talking and she let it. "I have a right to be angry with you. _You_ left _me_. And that's fair enough, it's what happens when someone wants a relationship to end, but Edward..." She trapped his eyes; he looked almost devastated. "I didn't just lose you. I lost your whole family–_my_ family. You took them from me. And now, I find out you left them too. You made them follow you, and you abandoned them. Why couldn't you have let me keep them?"

Bella wrapped her arms around her middle, trying to hold herself together. She hadn't felt this broken in so long, and she needed Diane to help her from falling apart.

"I think you should go," she said, letting her hair fall over her face.

Edward stepped back, and she realized her mistake.

"Go from my apartment," she said quickly. "Don't you _dare_ leave Alice again."

She thought he nodded, but before she could blink, he had gone.

Bella carefully sat herself down on the couch, pulling her legs up to her chest. She hadn't realized why she had been so upset with Edward until it had come pouring out of her mouth. She loved Alice almost as much as she had loved Edward, and she knew that Alice loved her back. Edward tore them away from each other and robbed Alice of her favorite sibling in a single devastating blow. The pain Bella saw in Alice hurt her because she still cared for Alice deeply, but also because it reminded her so much of the pain Edward had put her through when he had left her.

She had hoped that she had left it behind her, that the gaping hole he had left in her had shrunk until she hardly noticed it anymore. Now she realized it had just been badly sewn, and now he was undoing the stitches.

Bella sat on the sofa for a long time, hoping that she could keep herself together until Diane got back and could take over.

"Bella?"

She looked up, the movement taking too much effort.

Diane stood in the entrance to the living room, her chocolate eyes darkened with worry.

"What's wrong?"

Bella stood up on wobbly legs. "Nothing. Can you just..."

Diane understood what she wanted and wrapped her arms around her, pulling her to her chest.

Bella breathed deeply for the first time since Edward had left, taking in Diane's cheap tangy perfume and the comforting cinnamon smell that was just Diane.

"Sweetie, tell me what's wrong."

Bella wished she could. She wished more than anything that she could tell Diane exactly what was happening with her, but she remembered the disgusted face Diane pulled every time she wrote a new number up on the board, and the sharp way she said "vampires," though she wanted to spit on the floor.

"Just..." Bella muttered into her neck. "Just promise me you'll never leave me, okay?"

Diane tried to move back, but Bella kept her close.

"Please?"

"Of course, honey," Diane soothed, stroking Bella's hair. "You know I never could. I love you too much, right?"

"Right."

Diane succeeded in extracting herself from Bella's arms but did not move away. She wiped away the tears that Bella didn't know had fallen from her eyes.

"Bella...please tell me what's wrong. You can tell me anything. Nothing you could say would make me love you less."

Bella looked down, knowing that that was not true.

"It's really nothing," she said, laughing gently at herself. "I'm just very tired, and I started remembering."

Diane smiled softly. "Well, that's always dangerous."

Bella smiled and stepped away, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

"I'll call the vampires and tell them we can't patrol tonight," Diane said. "I'm pretty tired myself, and Kahled just fed–he won't be around for another few days, is my guess."

"I don't..." Bella started.

"B, it's fine. Let me do this."

Diane walked away, leaving Bella feeling both relieved and ashamed. They would know why she wasn't going out, why she couldn't face them, and she hated that she appeared so weak.

Not even slightly hungry, Bella took a quick shower and slipped into bed, feeling so tired she was not even sure she could sleep. She rolled over the phone that she had left on her mattress, but before she threw it to the side she checked the screen. She had a new message.

She opened it and felt her heart swell as she read the message.

_You are my family too. I love you. Alice xxx_

Bella put the phone gently next to her pillow, closed her eyes and fell into a fast sleep.

_Bella was running through the forest, her breath loud in her ears and her heart heavy in her chest. Ahead she could see a vampire running, its lithe body gracefully winding through the trees as though it was made of air._

_Though ungraceful and tired, Bella was gaining on the vampire. She pounded through the trees, pushing her body past its endurance._

_She burst into a clearing and threw herself through the air, tackling the vampire to the ground. She lay for a moment, feeling the grass tickling her lips. The vampire wasn't moving beside her, and the sense of urgency that propelled her through the forest dissipated, leaving a heavy calm._

_Slowly, Bella lifted her head. She wasn't surprised that she was in the meadow back in Forks, or that the flowers were in full blossom, or that Edward lay on his back beside her._

_Bella lay on her side to study him. His face was so peaceful and beautiful that she almost stopped breathing, just so that she wouldn't disturb this god's rest. She wanted to touch him, to feel the texture of his skin against her fingertips, but her hand wouldn't move._

_Slowly, he opened his eyes. They were the brightest gold Bella had ever seen, and when he looked at her, his eyes scorched her skin._

"_My Bella," he said, his voice liquid velvet. He reached his hand slowly–ever so slowly–to her face, dragging his fingertips over her jaw and across her lips._

_The action felt wrong. His skin was too cold and hard, and something uncomfortable coiled in Bella's stomach, waiting to spring._

_Diane was there, standing in the wildflowers, watching them. Jake was there too, and the rest of the pack. They watched as Edward touched her lips._

"_Do it, Bella," one of them said, all of them said._

_Without thinking, without taking pause, Bella curled her hands around Edward's neck and pulled._

Bella stared at the tray she was holding in her hands, concentrating with all her might to stop it from shaking. The coffee cups rattled in their saucers, making a delicate chinking sound that made her think of earthquakes.

Last night's dream had haunted her all day, making her hands shake almost as hard as they had when she had woken up, drenched in sweat and crying. Diane had come into her room with a glass of water, laid down next to her and held her in her arms. Unfortunately, the safety Bella felt when she woke up with Diane's arm draped across her waist had faded fast, and she had done nothing but make mistake after mistake all day.

She took a deep breath and willed her body to relax until the china stopped rattling. She stood there for a moment to make sure that she was in control and walked out from behind the bar to see Edward standing in her way.

She lost her grip on the tray, but before it had time to slip out of her grasp, his hand shot out to steady it. She looked up and caught his gaze.

"Thanks," she muttered, praying that the cups wouldn't rattle when she took it back from him.

They did, but she pretended not to notice or be embarrassed as she quickly scuttled away to serve a table their drinks. She rubbed her hands on her apron and exhaled heavily before turning around.

Edward looked different. Gone was the puppy dog look–the ducked head, the soft eyes, the hands tucked in the pockets. His gaze was steady as it followed her, and he stood up straight, his presence filling the room. He wore almost the same clothes as the day before–fitted black jeans and a light blue sweater over a white shirt–but he wore them differently. He looked magnificent.

And Bella was not the only one to notice. She could feel all the women in the room turn in his direction, some more subtly than others.

She walked back to him, feeling as though she was under a spotlight.

"Can I talk to you?" he asked, a strength behind his voice that Bella hadn't noticed was missing.

"Um...I have a lunch break in about half an hour. Can you..."

"Oh, nonsense, Bella, darling." Bella jumped as Lynne appeared next to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, staring at Edward like a dog drooling over a bone. "You take that lunch break now; it's no trouble at all."

Bella had to smile at that.

"Thanks, Lynne."

"Do you want to have a table while you eat?" Lynne asked, a strange smile on her lips.

"Actually, I want to speak to you alone," Edward said, which Bella took to mean that Lynne would attempt to eavesdrop on their conversation. She almost couldn't blame her.

"Why don't we go out back?" she said, gesturing toward the kitchen. Edward nodded and led the way, giving Bella another moment to try to calm herself down.

The kitchen was almost silent when Bella walked in, the entire kitchen staff staring at Edward.

"Bella. Are you having your lunch early?" Jeff asked. His voice broke the spell, and everyone started moving and talking loudly.

"Yes, please, Jeff, if you have something to give me."

Jeff winked at her and gave her a bowl of beautifully smelling tomato soup and a huge chunk of ciabatta bread.

"You are the ex-boyfriend, yes?"

So quickly it might have been instinctive, Bella threw her shield around Jeff so that Edward couldn't hear what he was thinking. Their conversation about him had been brief, but there were still some things she didn't want Edward to know.

Edward frowned and shot a quick glance at Bella. "Yes, I am."

Jeff tipped his head to the side. "I do not know why you would want to leave Bella. She is a very lovely girl."

"Oh my god," she muttered, mortified. "We're leaving now."

Taking the soup from Jeff in one hand, Bella grabbed Edward's sleeve to pull him out before Jeff could say anything to make her face even redder.

She led Edward out the back door from the kitchen into the alleyway where the restaurant kept its trash. Not the nicest of locations, but at least they were alone.

Bella sat herself down on a wooden crate, relieved when he sat down next to her. She didn't want to have to talk up to him.

Edward was silent for a long time, allowing her to settle the soup into her lap, dip the bread into the soup and take a huge bite.

"Does that taste good?"

Bella couldn't help but smile a little. "It's delicious."

"It smells like dirt."

"Yes, but I like it."

She looked over at Edward. He was looking down, making it look as though his eyes were closed. Her hand started to shake again.

He noticed. "Are you cold?"

She hesitated and then, for some reason, decided to tell him the truth. "No. I just had a nightmare last night. It's stuck with me all day."

Edward frowned. "You have nightmares?"

She blew on her soup before nodding.

"You never used to," he said, making Bella pause before taking a sip.

"That was a long time ago."

"I'm..."

"I..."

They stared at each other, smiling slightly.

"Can I go first?" Bella asked.

"Please."

Bella ate another spoonful of the soup to give herself another moment. Having him so close to her was unnerving. Three days ago, she had thought she would never see Edward again. Now she was sitting next to him in a dirty alley, trying to apologize.

"I'm sorry for yesterday," Bella finally said. "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. You were right in what you said; I don't understand what has happened since Forks. I had nothing to be so angry about."

Part of her apology was truthful, and part of it was not. She just wanted some peace between them. Also, she did not want him to think that she was still so emotional over him.

Edward shook his head. "You don't have to say that. You were right. I have been extremely selfish. I needed to be on my own, but I didn't think about how much that might affect my family. And, you were also right...about the other things you said."

He exhaled heavily and Bella watched him curiously.

"I did take my family away from you," he said bleakly, his eyes dark. "They didn't want to leave, but I asked them to anyway. We had already put you in so much danger; I thought that keeping away would allow you to have a normal human life."

Bella couldn't stop the snort that escaped her, but Edward smiled wryly.

"Yes, that didn't exactly work out according to plan," he said dryly. "I want you to know that Alice, especially, did not want to leave. She only did because she believed she would see you again. She just didn't think it would take this long."

Those words sounded familiar to Bella, but she shook them off. "Did Alice tell you to say that?" she asked.

"No, but after what you said yesterday, I thought you would like to know."

"I did, thank you."

They sat in silence for a while, but it was a much more comfortable silence than before; though Bella wondered whether she would ever be comfortable close to vampires ever again.

"You are using your shield to cover the chef," Edward said suddenly, making Bella splutter on her soup.

"Er...yes I am."

He smiled crookedly at her, and it was cocky and made his eyes light up, and Bella had to take a second to breathe. He was deadly.

"You talked to him about me," he said, rather arrogantly.

"Yes, I did," Bella said, as though she had nothing to be ashamed about. "I told him that I didn't know how to talk to you."

Edward's smile faded slightly. "Yes, I know what you mean."

Bella shrugged. "We've both changed a lot since we last met."

"Yes," Edward said, the smile returning in full force. "You have suddenly acquired a preference for novelty t-shirts from science fiction and fantasy shows." He chuckled as blood rushed to her face. "You used to have such classical tastes."

"Yes, well that was before anyone introduced me to _Doctor__Who_. Have you never gone through a t-shirt phase?" she asked, curiously. "You're always wearing such fashionable clothes; don't tell me you've never gone full out fan-boy for something."

Edward smiled and rubbed his jaw. Bella got the impression that if he could, he would be blushing.

"I have some concert tees that Alice lets me wear sometimes," Edward said ruefully. "She says that they're acceptable because they're 'vintage.' And, er...I have 'Live Long and Prosper' and 'United Federation of Planets' t-shirts. I keep them hidden."

Bella started laughing so hard she had to put her empty bowl on the ground so that she didn't drop it.

"You're a _trekkie_?" Bella said between uncontrollable bursts of laughter. "Oh my God, do you have those pointy ear thingies?"

"Um..."

Bella doubled over at the absolutely hilarious image in her head.

When she had calmed down, she wiped the tears from her eyes and grinned at Edward, thankful that he wasn't insulted that she had just laughed at him for so long.

"How did I not know this about you?" Bella wondered. "I always thought you were so serious."

Edward smiled. "You used to hate popular culture. Whenever Alice told you about the latest TV program she loved, you used to scoff. So I only told you about the sophisticated things I liked. I wanted you to think I was classy."

"You make me sound like a snob."

"No, you just liked what you liked."

"How diplomatic of you."

"It's the only weird thing, I promise."

"Really?" Bella asked skeptically. "You didn't go through an obsessive Wham! phase during the eighties, or something?"

"No." Edward laughed. "That was Emmett."

"Somehow, I'm not surprised."

Bella checked her watch and noticed that she was nearly ten minutes late. She was surprised Lynne hadn't come out to drag her back in–she was a real stickler for wasted time.

She stood up, wiping her hands on her legs.

"I'd better be getting back," she said. Edward nodded and stood up. "But I'm late, so could you...I don't know, talk to Lynne? Smile at her a bit. Maybe hint that you'll be coming back soon. I don't want her to yell at me."

Edward smiled at her, and Bella briefly wondered why she missed his cockiness.

"Why would that stop you from getting yelled at?" He smirked.

"Shut up and do it."

Bella went back to work, watching as Edward leaned into Lynne and said something to her that made the back of her neck bright red. He smiled his slow, crooked smile at her before winking at Bella and leaving. Lynne put a hand to her chest and wandered off to the back rooms, looking rather flustered.

He hadn't lost it.

**A/N: Please leave a review, I really want to know what you're think of the story so far. I'm really looking forward to getting into the thick of the action, which will happen soon.**


	9. An Indecent Proposal

**Disclaimer: Don't own it, sorry.**

Bella, Alice, and Edward stood outside the Jamaica 179 Street subway station, waiting for Diane and Jasper to get back. Bella and Alice were playing chess on her iPhone. Edward was watching their game over Alice's shoulder, occasionally throwing out useful hints to help Bella not lose too embarrassingly. Although Alice was prevented from seeing Bella's moves with her gift, she was still one hell of a chess player.

"I can't believe you are actually saying these things."

The three of them looked up at the sound of Diane's infuriated voice. Bella recognized that tone, and she felt sincere sympathetic for Jasper, who had to witness it firsthand.

"I'm not saying it's true..." Jasper said defensively.

"Then why say it at all? Do you know how insulting this is to me?"

"I'm trying to explain how it was, how I thought back then." Jasper's words were meant to soothe her, but the tension in his voice belied the attempt. "How could I possibly believe in any kind of natural racial hierarchy, or in essential characteristics of a group of people based on their skin color, when I can tell what people feel?"

"That's a really good question. How could you?"

Diane and Jasper turned the corner onto their street, and Bella could tell they had been arguing for a long time. Diane had her arms tightly crossed in front of her chest, and her jaw was clenched so tightly that Bella could hear her teeth grinding. Jasper just looked exasperated.

"I can't; it's impossible. I can see the truth of what people really are, and it's allowed me to be critical of discriminatory institutions such as racism. Can we agree on this? Can you accept that my standpoint is of someone who is completely anti-racist, please?"

Diane huffed. "How can I agree with that when you continue to defend your position as a soldier in the Confederate Army during the Civil War?"

"I am _not_ defending it." Jasper threw his hands up in the air. "I can look back on it now and see my role as one part of a colonial capitalist endeavor to oppress people for its own gain. But I didn't see that then. How could I? We had it ingrained in us that black people were inferior, that they were born to be slave workers, that they even _wanted_ to be slaves."

"Oh my God, Jasper …"

"No, listen. I haven't finished. In the South, most of our livelihoods depended on slave labor—I know _mine_ did. The abolition of slavery made no sense to us. It threatened our way of life, our homes, our family structures. We had been taught for so long that black people didn't matter, and then we were suddenly expected to understand that they were real people and therefore deserved freedom.

"How could we have been expected to realize that these ideologies of race—the processes of racialization—were constructed by imperialistic powers to keep certain people and countries rich and other peoples and countries poor? It is the ultimate capitalist venture. Back then, we didn't have the tools to dismantle the ideologies at work—at least, they didn't where I came from. I'm lucky that I can now because I've lived a long time, read a lot of books, and met a lot of people. I was just a kid when I joined the Confederate Army. I thought I was protecting my people and American supremacy. I just didn't know exactly what that meant, or what price it took to achieve."

Jasper paused for a moment, allowing Diane to start yelling again. Instead, she just stared ahead, her jaw twitching.

"Well?" Jasper asked warily. "Can you begin to understand where I was coming from back then?"

"_Theoretically,_ I might begin to … I still think you're an asshole."

Jasper threw his arms desperately around Alice, as though all of the fight had finally left him. She laughed.

"Poor baby," she cooed, stroking his back. "Was the little human hurting your feelings?"

Diane rubbed her neck, looking exhausted.

"My brain hurts," she complained. "How was your patrol?"

Bella, Alice and Edward exchanged glances.

"Um …" Bella said, slightly embarrassed. "We discussed whether 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog' could be adapted for the stage."

Diane narrowed her eyes, then nodded. "Yeah, I think it could work."

"That's what we thought. But we got nothing on the vampire front."

"Well …" Diane said, looking suddenly worried. "We almost found nothing."

"There was a hint of a scent of a vampire a few blocks away," Jasper said. "We nearly didn't notice it. It doesn't lead anywhere, it's just a fragment."

"A few blocks away?" Bella asked. "Why don't we all go have a look?"

They couldn't find the scent where Diane and Jasper said it had been before. The five of them spread out along the street, but Bella found it hard to discern a singular vampire scent with the rest of them there.

"Hey, guys."

They all turned to see Alice crouched down over a manhole cover. Bella rushed over.

"You think he's using the sewers?" she asked dubiously.

"They're not sewers, they're storm drainage tunnels," Alice said, as though everyone should know the difference and was disappointed Bella was being deliberately dense. "They run underneath the surface of Queens. He must be using them to get around."

"But why?" Diane asked.

"It's nearly Spring," Edward commented. "Maybe he's using the tunnels to move across the city during the day."

"Why would he need to walk around during the day?" Bella asked.

Diane shrugged. "Maybe he gets bored. I know I would if I couldn't sleep."

"It's getting late," Alice said, standing up and gesturing at Diane and Bella. "You two should get home. We can go into the tunnels and try and follow his scent."

Bella checked her watch. It was nearly three a.m., and they really did need to start heading back if she was going to be coherent in the morning, but she hated the idea of the others possibly finding and fighting Kahled without her.

"Bella," Alice said sternly. "Go. We've got this."

Bella hesitated but gave in. "Fine, but be careful, alright?"

Bella and Diane left them as Alice lifted up the manhole cover and they all winced at the smell. Maybe Bella was just a little glad that she wouldn't be going down there.

"You like them," Diane said, as they climbed onto the subway cart. They shared the train with a homeless man who was mumbling to himself. Bella was sure that he wasn't a threat, but she felt reassured by the power she knew she had. Sometimes, she took for granted that she didn't have to be afraid of humans and what they could do. She couldn't imagine being in this city, alone at night, as just a normal girl.

"The vampires," Diane clarified when Bella didn't answer.

"Yes, I do," Bella said honestly. "They're almost human, and they're interesting. You must, as well. You don't argue with anybody, and you gave Edward a key to our apartment."

Diane stared intently out of the window, frowning slightly. "I feel uncomfortable around them, so I'm not sure I can truly like them. I don't want them to see how they agitate me just by being there. It feels almost … prejudicial. And yet, I find myself trusting them. They love each other very much and ..."

Bella nudged her. "And … what?"

Not meeting Bella's stare, Diane didn't answer. The rest of the journey was silent, and Bella's heart broke a little bit when she woke up in the middle of the night, crying out, and Diane didn't come to her with a glass of water and sympathy.

Bella left work the next day with Jeff's words echoing in her head. Bella had tried to escape work quickly, partly so that she could get home and have another one of Edward's irritatingly beautiful meals, but also because she did not want Jeff's commentary on what had occurred the day before.

Unfortunately, she did not escape fast enough.

"You are a very brave girl, being friends with that boy."

Bella sighed and briefly contemplated just leaving, but she liked Jeff, and he still gave her lunch.

"I know," Bella said, defeated. "But I think it's going to be alright."

Jeff pursed his lips and continued cutting up onions at an almost supernatural speed. Bella wondered if he had ever been a slayer.

"What? What's that look for?" Bella demanded.

Jeff shrugged one shoulder. "I don't know what look you are referring to. This is just my face."

"If you've got something to say, just say it so I can leave."

Jeff clucked his tongue. "So rude. I just don't want to see you get hurt. He broke your heart, yes? When you were younger?"

Bella shifted uncomfortably. "Yes. That was a long time ago."

"Broken hearts don't measure time in the same way people do, with watches and calendars. You said that it still pains you to see him."

"I was just surprised. I worked through it. Are you done? I need to get going."

Jeff looked at her with soft eyes that blew the air from her sails. She leant against a countertop with a sigh.

"It's different now," she said. "And I'm not just saying that. I loved him once, but that would never—_could_ never—happen again. Sure, it hurts to remember what I went through all those years ago, but I've moved on since then. He'll help me with a problem for however long it takes, and then he'll be gone again."

"How does that make you feel?" Jeff asked, studying her carefully. "That he will leave you again?"

Curling her hands into fists, Bella let the pain of her nails digging into her skin distract her from the urge to strike out at something. "I feel just freaking dandy. Is the interrogation over? Can I leave now?"

Jeff looked down. "You can do whatever you want to do—you know that. I just don't want to see you hurt."

Bella left quickly, struggling over Jeff's words as she waited in the subway.

Bella had been angry at Edward for so long, but she had yelled and said her piece, he had apologized, and now everything was fine. In fact, Bella was glad that she had seen Edward again and that they could talk and coexist. Even though Bella no longer felt the stinging pain from Edward's abrupt departure, she had never said a proper goodbye, and now she had the chance. She would get the closure she needed and be left with a better memory of him.

Bella also had to admit to herself that she was glad his last memory of her would be different, as well. When they were dating, Edward had always thought of her as a weak human he had to look after. She had enjoyed it at the time—the feeling of someone loving her and protecting her. She had let him tell her what to do, and whenever she hadn't done exactly as he wished, he would chastise her like a child.

Well, that Bella was gone, and she was glad Edward saw that. She wanted him to realize that she was special.

Bella entered her apartment with apprehension because she had the feeling that Diane was angry with her and she didn't know why, but when she saw the whole gang standing in the kitchen, each one of them tense, she knew she had bigger worries.

"What's wrong?" Bella asked, kicking off her shoes at the door. Despite Edward's attempt to keep things clean, a small pile was building up again.

They looked at each other, wondering who should speak, making Bella's anxiety levels spike even higher.

"We found Kahled's scent last night," Alice said. "In the tunnels. It went off into lots of different directions. We followed three different paths and the scent eventually trailed off, or just blended with another trail."

"Okay," Bella said slowly. "So he probably hasn't set up a base. He might just be continually wandering. If we keep following his scent, I'm sure we'll catch him."

Bella didn't understand why they still looked so apprehensive.

"We found another scent in the tunnels," Alice said. "Another vampire scent, I should say. It belongs to Victoria."

Bella didn't know what to say, so she just stared at Alice until she started talking again.

"Which means that Victoria is in the city. But ... the trail we found, it intersected with Kahled's. A number of times."

Bella still had no words, so she let Diane take over.

"So what do you think this means?" Diane asked. "You think they're meeting up with each other?"

"I believe they are," Alice said. "I've met Victoria before, so I can find her in my visions if I concentrate hard enough. But she isn't making any decisions, which I think is deliberate. I've been looking all day, and I see flashes of things: dark tunnels, some streets in New York, and once or twice, Kahled's face."

"You think they've made a partnership?" Diane asked.

"I should explain," Edward said, catching Bella's eyes quickly and making her wonder what he was going to say. "Victoria and I met a long time ago. At the time, she was mated with a vampire called James. James liked playing sick games, and he picked on our family to test himself. He thought of us as a challenge and I had no choice to kill him to protect my family."

"Let me guess," Diane said. "She wants revenge."

"Yes. I've been tracking her because I wanted to make sure she stayed away from my family, that she couldn't hurt them. If she's meeting with Kahled, it makes me worry she's going to include him on a plan for vengeance."

"Oh."

Bella didn't realize she had said it out loud, but Diane seemed to ignore her moment of revelation.

She caught Edward's eye and saw that they were thinking exactly the same thing. She had wondered why Victoria had led Edward so close to New York when she had known that Bella was here and that Bella could have intercepted them. Now Bella realized that that was exactly what Victoria wanted. Victoria could have killed Edward at any point in the last eight years—she could have had a certain victory, with how weak Edward had been. But she hadn't, because then her revenge wouldn't have been complete.

Edward had killed her mate, and because Bella was with Edward at that time—because Bella had been the one James had been killed for—Victoria wanted her dead, too. Bella guessed that she wanted Edward to know about it, probably even witness it. Bella had to give it to her: Victoria was dedicated to pulling off a plan.

Victoria had probably been ecstatic when she found Kahled, a newborn with such terrifying self-control, in the city to which she had led her two victims. Together, she and Kahled could be enough to take out her and Edward.

"So they're getting together," Diane said rather dismissively. "It makes our job a bit harder, sure, but there _are_ five of us."

"There are five of us when we're all together," Jasper said, his low voice rough. "But if they find us separated—like we are for the majority of the day—they could take us easily."

Bella shook her head in confusion. "We're just assuming that Kahled would join with her. What would he have to gain from an alliance?"

"Protection," Jasper replied. "If Victoria has seen him, then she has told him about you two—about how you hunt vampires, and how his obviously vampiric murders will draw your attention. It's evident that he's changed his murder style already—moving the body from the scene of death. Maybe he's doing it so that you can't follow the bodies to his hiding place."

There was a long pause as everyone absorbed the situation.

"What's the plan then?" Diane asked, her voice hard. Diane was always at her toughest when she was frightened.

"We should stay concentrated on finding Kahled," Jasper answered, serious and commanding. Bella could easily believe that he used to lead an army. "He's still our biggest threat, and despite what Victoria told him about you, he still seems set on murdering in Queens. At least with him, we have a starting point, but Victoria could be anywhere in the city."

"Why don't we split up, and one group can go after Kahled, and the other after Victoria?" Bella asked.

Jasper shook his head. "We'll have a much better chance of finding one than two. If we take Kahled away from Victoria she'll have no chance of taking us on."

"Do you think we're safe in the small groups we're in?" Alice piped up. "What if they decide to attack us as a team? We'd be safer if we did the same."

Jasper looked thoughtful for a second. "I don't think we can stay together during patrols. We need to deal with Kahled quickly."

"We can use walkie-talkies," Alice chirped, suddenly looking excited. "We'd have to stay within a certain range of each other, but we can use my army guy in Manhattan."

"Why do you have an _army__guy_?" Bella asked in disbelief.

"Oh, no, Alice, stop it," Edward groaned, covering his eyes as though it would stop whatever he was witnessing from Alice's mind.

"Never mind, I don't want to know," Bella said quickly. Alice just smiled and shrugged.

Jasper cleared his throat, having the grace to look slightly embarrassed. "I think the daytime is going to be the most dangerous. You two are completely on your own for nearly the whole day, and with access to the underground systems, they could get to you even when it's sunny. We need to make sure you're protected."

"We can't quit our jobs," Bella said indignantly. "What are we supposed to do for money?"

"We could help you with that," Edward said. "It wouldn't be a problem."

"Wrong. It would be a massive problem. First off, I am not comfortable with taking your money. Not happening. Secondly, even if we did, what happens when you leave? We need Diane's job at the police station—that's how we find out about most of the new vampires in town. And if I quit my job, it's going to be nearly impossible to find a new one. There are hardly any jobs available at the moment, especially for a high school drop-out with a criminal record."

"Criminal record?" Alice grinned, looking over-excited.

Bella held up a hand. "Focus. Leaving our jobs is not an option. Nor am I willing to cut my hours. If I give up my evening shift I'll never get it back, and we need every hour's pay we can get. Any other suggestions?"

Edward and Jasper looked a little shocked by Bella's outburst. She supposed they still weren't used to her putting her foot down on a subject, or—even more surprising—expecting to get her way. Alice grinned and winked at her.

"Um..." Jasper stuttered. "We could try to keep an eye on you? Find someplace close by and stake it out."

"B," Diane said thoughtfully, yet still refusing to meet Bella's eyes. "Didn't you say Lynne was going to fire that college kid on dishwashing because she found out he was pocketing the cutlery?"

"Oooh, me!" Alice threw her hand up into the air. "I can wash dishes!"

Edward frowned. "Don't you think someone with a power should be near them?"

"That, sir, is discrimination!" Alice pointed a finger at Edward. She was becoming very excited over this development. "And anyway, I can keep an eye on Victoria, and if her future disappears, I'll know she's coming for one of them. The blackness is completely different to her indecision. Besides, _you_ shouldn't be alone with Bella for that long—that's exactly what Victoria would want."

Bella froze, and Alice slapped a hand over her mouth.

"Why would she want that?" Diane asked, bewildered.

The room was silent as everyone avoided each other's eyes.

"Well?" Diane demanded. "Don't you think I should know what's going on? Or am I not part of this team?"

Bella sighed. "Di..." She wished Diane would just look at her. "I need to tell you something. I'm..."

"We should go," Alice interrupted. "I'll pick you up in the morning, Bella."

On the way out, Alice squeezed Bella's arm and mouthed, "I'm sorry."

Bella shook her head. It wasn't Alice's fault. Bella should have told Diane the truth a long time ago, and with the new development with Victoria, telling Diane about her past was less dangerous than not.

Bella put a hand on Edward's arm as he left, causing him to turn around.

"Don't listen," she muttered.

He fixed her with an inscrutable look. "Of course not," he said, searching her face for a moment before disappearing after the others.

Bella closed the door with a sigh. She was not looking forward to this.

"Can we sit down?" Bella asked, not waiting for a reply before she sat herself cross-legged on the sofa. Diane sat next to her but stared ahead at the whiteboard.

"I should have told you before," Bella whispered, nodding as she stared at the table. "I'm so sorry, Di. I just couldn't bear the thought …" Bella took a breath and decided to just say it. "The truth is I knew the Cullens ... way before I ever met you."

"Oh, _thank__god_."

"What?"

Bella was completely nonplussed when Diane threw her arms around her and laughed lightly in her ear.

"I hated being angry at you, but I couldn't _believe_ you were keeping secrets from me." Diane sat back and flicked Bella's ear. "What were you thinking?"

Bella rubbed her ear ruefully. "You knew?"

"Oh, sweetie, I can read you like an open book. I wasn't sure, but when you first saw them, you were acting strange and … well, I'd expect you to feel a bit odd about the whole situation. Then, the look on your face when she told you about Edward …"

Bella sighed deeply. "Yeah, I can imagine."

Diane's eyes were sad as she stared at her. "I'm not sure you can." She looked down for a moment, and her eyes were hard when she raised them again. "So, how are you mixed up with this whole Victoria mess?"

"I …" Bella didn't know where to start. Diane had taken the news that she knew the Cullens—that she trusted them and was friends with them—well, and Bella was relieved at Diane's acceptance, but it didn't make what she had to say next any easier.

"I knew the Cullens from Forks," Bella started. "Alice, Jasper, Edward, Emmett, and Rosalie were in the same high school as me. They had moved there a year before, pretending to be the foster children of Carlisle and Esme Cullen. Everyone admired them from a distance, but they kept to themselves, not getting involved in anyone else's business."

Bella paused, before she admitted, "It's a hard story to tell. I'm not really sure when it started—probably when I sat next to Edward in Biology. You see, I was his singer. I don't know how he did it, but he stayed next to me during the entire class, not making a move. As soon as the bell rang, he was out of there like a shot."

"Wow," Diane said. "That's pretty impressive."

"I think it was that, mixed with the fact he couldn't hear my thoughts ... I don't know, I suppose I intrigued him. I was an anomaly, and he couldn't figure me out. So, we started talking and we became tentative ... friends?" That word didn't feel right, but she pushed on. "It quickly became more than that. Di, we …fell in love."

Bella didn't want to see the disgusted look on Diane's face, but she had to know what she was thinking. Her face was unreadable.

"Love?" she asked, her lips barely moving.

"Yes. I wish I could tell you it was ... I don't know, puppy love, a teenage infatuation, something silly, but it wasn't. I loved him very much. For the few months I knew him, he was my life. He left me when I was eighteen, and it was devastating. Jake helped me start to heal, but it took a long time to get over it."

Bella waited, hoping that Diane would say something, but she was completely silent.

"Di?" Bella said tentatively. "Please say something."

"Just …" Diane shook her head sharply. "What does this have to do with Victoria?"

"Victoria, James, and Laurent passed through Forks. What Edward said before was true—James was a sick son of a bitch. When he saw me with Edward, when he saw how protective and worried Edward was for me, he decided to make a sport of it." Bella held up her right hand, showing Diane the scar. "That's where I got this from. James trapped me; he was going to kill me when Edward and his family burst in. They killed James, and Edward stopped the venom from spreading."

"How?" Diane interrupted. "You didn't have your slayer powers then—that bite should have turned you."

"He sucked it out," Bella said. "I have no idea how he managed to stop, but he did."

Diane nodded. "Go on."

"That's why we think Victoria might be after me, as well. Edward killed her mate, so she wants to kill his—well, me. I don't know why she thinks it matters after all this time, but she's dedicated. I think that's why she led Edward here, so that she could get us together."

Diane sat there for what felt like a very long time. Bella had no idea what she was thinking; her face was completely closed. Bella's heart was racing in her chest as she tried not to think about what would happen if Diane left, if she was so disgusted with her that she refused to see Bella ever again.

"I don't understand," Diane said slowly. "You loved a vampire. How could you possibly go to the Academy and learn to kill them?"

The question was not at all what Bella expected, but she was just relieved there was no shouting.

"I was horrified at first," Bella told her. "The idea of being taught to kill vampires was as awful a concept as being taught to kill humans. But I was frightened. Jake tried to help me when my strength asserted itself—we'd try to get it under control, do tests and games, but they never worked. I was days from hiding in my closet and refusing to come out ever again when Chia Huang came to my house."

Diane smiled faintly.

"I fully intended going for just the amount of time it took to get my strength under control. But then … you know what it's like there. The methods of controlling your power are rooted in combat. They taught me how to fight, how to defend myself, and I felt ... _powerful_. I'd always been the victim before, always been the one to be saved. I was being taught how to save myself, and it was intoxicating. Don't get me wrong, I still didn't want to kill vampires. The thought was repulsive to me.

"But I quickly learnt that the Cullens were not normal vampires. They had told me this lots of times when I knew them, but it never really registered. The things I saw in the academy—the creatures that cared for nothing but human blood, that ripped people apart like they were twigs, who cheated and twisted and lied—these were not the vampires I knew. Seeing these things, knowing that I could stop them but not doing anything … that idea was worst of all."

Bella looked at her hands that were twisting repeatedly in her lap. She could tell that Diane's heartbeat had increased, but she didn't know what that meant, so she kept talking.

"Looking back on what we've done here in New York, all the lives I've saved, I could never say that I was ashamed of that. It's hard and sometimes it hurts, but I know I'm doing good. There are some things that bother me, that I try not to think about because I knew the Cullens, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it shouldn't be simple."

Diane still wouldn't say anything and it made Bella sweat.

"Please, Di, tell me what you're thinking," she begged. "It was a long time ago—it's in the past. I can't bear to think of you hating me for this."

"Hate you?" Diane's face grew soft as she took Bella's hands. "B, I told you, there was nothing you could say to me that would make me love you less. I meant it. I'm just … surprised, I guess; though, I shouldn't be because you've always been surprising."

Bella laughed in absolute relief.

"I'm not going to pretend it's not weird, and a bit icky, because it is," Diane said, but she was smiling. "And this does change everything."

Bella's heart dropped again. "It does?"

"Of course it does. Diane scoffed. "Edward is your ex; you have to handle him the right way. Make him jealous, make him feel bad for leaving you, and then you can crush him like he crushed you."

"Di, I don't think …"

"Don't worry, honey, I've done this loads of times."

"No, really, I'd rather we just …"

"Shhhh. Trust me."

Without another word, Diane skipped off into her bedroom to call the Cullens to meet them in Jamaica for patrol. Bella found herself grinning like an idiot, wondering what she had done to deserve this.

"Alice said to bring wellies!" Diane shouted from the other room.

Apparently, something very bad.

**A/N: Just wanted to say (and I'm pretty sure I'm not spoiling anything by saying this) but the reason Bella gave Diane for why she became a slayer is _not_ the entire story. I don't want you guys thinking it's that simple. My Bella doesn't give up her secrets easily.**


	10. The Only Water in the Forest

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

**Sorry for the delay. Christmas you know. **

"What are you wearing?"

Alice looked down at her clothes, looking hurt at the astonished and slightly horrified tone in Bella's voice.

"It's Nanette Lepore," she said in an injured voice. "Don't you like it?"

"It's very pretty, Alice," Bella reassured her. "But you're asking for a _dishwashing_ job, not to be a shop assistant at some fashion boutique. No one's going to believe you're an impoverished student desperate for a job if you wear clothes that cost more than my weekly salary."

Alice pouted, playing with the hem of her inky blue velvet dress with flowing gold flowers, the indecently low neckline covered with a giant woolen scarf. Bella almost reached out to touch it as well—it looked so soft.

Shaking herself out of a fabric-induced haze, Bella pulled Alice into the apartment and into her bedroom. Alice stood in the doorway, critically inspecting the room as Bella climbed onto the bed and rooted in her closet.

"Take this," Bella said, throwing Alice a pair of faded bootleg jeans. "And this."

Alice stared at the black t-shirt, sporting a yellow smiley face with a splotch of red blood covering its left side, in disgust.

"Bella, I am not wearing these."

"You are if you want to get that job."

"But this is from a _comic book_. I can't wear something from a _comic book_."

"It's a graphic novel, Alice. Now woman up and put on the goddamn clothes."

Bella poured herself a glass of water as she waited for Alice to change. When she finally came out, Bella fought not to choke on her drink.

"Oh, _Alice_," Bella gushed, lifting a hand to her cheek. "You look _adorable_."

And she did. The jeans were too long for her, so Alice had rolled them up, making her look even smaller that she already did. The baggy t-shirt made her skinny arms look even skinnier and the way she stood—all awkward and slouchy—really made her look like a shy school girl. Make no mistake; she was still devastatingly beautiful. She pulled off the geek-not-so-chic with awkward aplomb, with her spiky black hair and sharp cheekbones.

"I could just pick you up and put you in my pocket," Bella grinned, resisting the urge to envelop Alice in a massive hug.

"Can it, Swan," Alice grumbled, ruffling her hair in embarrassment.

"Don't you look sweet."

Alice turned to glare at Diane who emerged from her bedroom, pulling a baseball cap over her long, straight black hair. Bella bristled, watching Alice's spine straighten and her lip quiver as she barely held back a snarl.

Yesterday's patrol had been a disaster in more ways that Bella could have predicted. The storm drains running under Queens were surprisingly clean, with a stream of water flowing between two sloping paths. Bella had thought she had left her clumsiness behind her a long time ago, but she had to keep a fast pace to keep her momentum on the slanted ground. At one point, Edward stopped suddenly to try and catch a scent and Bella had skidded, lost her balance and fallen right into the water.

The worst thing was that there hadn't even been a scent to catch. They wandered for hours in the dark, depending on soft torches to light the way. The sound of running water might have been peaceful coming from a babbling brook deep in the heart of the countryside, but echoing around potentially evil vampire-filled underground tunnels, they gave Bella a serious case of the willies.

Alice had seemed to enjoy herself, playing with the walkie-talkie and giggling. Edward had kept mostly to himself, silent and brooding. He seemed lost in his own head, his eyes far away and seeing something Bella didn't think she wanted to see. She wanted to ask Edward what was troubling him, and although she liked to think that they were comfortable with one another; that she was mature and strong enough to be around him without awkwardness, there were times that even looking at him was difficult. During the patrol, Edward had built a wall around himself, and Bella wasn't sure she had the power or the right to tear it down.

The trio were waiting for the other two under the ladder to bring them to the surface at the south of Queens, when they heard a loud crack. Bella jumped, thinking that the sound was awfully familiar.

"Ow!" They heard Jasper yell. "Goddamit!"

Like a shot, Alice was running toward the noise with Edward and Bella not far behind. They found Jasper on the ground, his legs resting in the water, holding his chin and looking up at Diane. Diane looked completely calm, rubbing her knuckles almost curiously, as though she wondered why they hurt.

"Jasper!" Alice threw herself down next to him and stroked his hair melodramatically. "What did you do?" she shot at Diane.

Diane just shrugged slightly. "I hit him in the face. It's not like he didn't deserve it."

Alice growled up at her, looking menacing in the flickering torchlight. Diane looked surprised.

"Alice," Bella said warningly, holding out a hand to her in case she tried anything. Bella may have loved Alice, but no one threatened her partner, especially not a vampire.

"What's the fuss?" Diane asked. "I asked him for some Bella stories—you know, from ages ago, when she was a kid. I have to say, B, I would have loved to meet you back then, you sounded delightful. I asked him why you guys left, and he told me about how he attacked you at your birthday party. So I hit him. Why the drama?"

They had parted a few minutes later with tensions still running high. Strangely enough, it was Diane and Jasper who seemed the least troubled by what had occurred. Alice was evidently angry with Diane for hitting her husband and Bella was wary of Alice's reaction. Edward was as silent as ever, but Bella was sure that he hadn't been frowning quite so heavily before. But she was having a day where she couldn't quite look at him, so it might have just been her imagination.

Diane still looked slightly bemused at Alice's reaction in the morning, pulling on a pair of tatty sneakers.

"Well, good luck today," Diane said to her, smirking slightly. "Play nice with the humans. I'm off to work."

"See you later," Bella murmured, ignoring Alice's dismissive sniff.

"Please don't make this difficult for me," Bella implored Alice as they left the apartment.

"Make what difficult?" Alice said, being—Bella thought—deliberately difficult. Alice knew exactly what she meant.

"I don't want you two fighting," Bella clarified anyway. "Or at least, you fighting with Diane. I really don't want to pick sides but if I have to ... she's my partner. She's got my back and I've got hers—_always_. I know she shouldn't have hit Jasper, but they're both fine with it. Let it go."

Alice sighed deeply, dipping her head, making her look even younger. "It's just ... Jasper ... Jasper's fine with Diane hitting him because he thinks he deserves it. You have no idea how terrible Jasper felt—feels—for everything that happened. He can barely look Edward in the eye."

"Edward?" Bella asked, puzzled. "What does Edward have to do with it?"

"Tell me more about Diane," she said quickly. "Maybe if you tell me enough nice things about her, it'll reduce the need I have to break her fingers."

Bella rolled her eyes, but obliged. "What can I say about Diane? I was stationed here straight out of the Academy and I was terrified. Diane had just lost her old partner, and I thought she was very cold when I first met her. I found out later that she was just grieving, and she was wary about letting someone new into her life. I can't imagine what she went through." Bella fiddled with the zip on her jacket, not allowing her mind to go there.

"It was only a week after I got here when the first—or rather _my_ first—vampire came to town. I'd just started at the restaurant, and Diane and I still found it difficult to be around each other. Diane used her connections at the police station to find out where the vampire was basing herself, feeding off homeless people in Harlem. Diane handed me a map, gave me a hard stare, and told me to get to it."

Bella chuckled to herself as Alice curled her hands into fists.

"So I set off of my own, shaking so hard everyone on the subway moved away from me. I quickly found the vampire's scent where Diane said she would be, and I tracked her down easily. I seriously considered just going back home and telling Diane I looked with no luck but ... I don't know, I guess I was braver that I gave myself credit. I barely knew what I was doing—I mean, sure, I knew how to fight, but the academy never really told you how to approach a vampire.

"She was feeding when I found her, crouched over a man's body. If she knew I was there, she ignored me, too intent on the kill. So," Bella laughed at herself. "I walked up behind her, tapped her on her shoulder and said, 'Er ... stop please.'"

They had reached the station by now and Alice didn't even have the presence of mind to show disgust at her surroundings. She was staring at Bella with huge eyes, enraptured with the story.

"She seemed surprised." Bella smiled. "'Back off human,' the vampire snarled, 'this is no concern of yours.' And she just kept feeding. I didn't think then that that was strange, but she must have been quite old and in control to keep feeding once she had been interrupted. I had no idea what to do, so I tapped her on the shoulder again and said, 'Actually, it kind of is. Can you stop so that I can fight you?' I've refined my technique since then, but it was actually effective. Irritated with the interruption, she turned on me and tried to snap my neck but I slipped away, and before I knew it, training kicked in. I'm not going to pretend it was a clean fight; she got a couple good shots in, broke a rib or two, but it didn't take long to kill her.

"It kicked in, what I had done when her head was rolling on the floor and the rest of her body was twitching on the ground. I suddenly couldn't breathe, and I just fell to the floor. The vampire was making her way slowly to her head, dragging her body across the ground, and I physically couldn't do anything to stop it. I just sat there, staring at it in horror as its fingers brushed its hair.

"Then Diane came striding in." Bella grinned at the memory, lowering her voice because the guy pressed against Alice's shoulder was starting to look intrigued. "Cool as you like, she just walked over and ripped it apart like it was absolutely nothing. She set the body on fire, and only when it was burning did she look at me. She walked over, pulled me to my feet, and brushed some dirt off of my shoulder.

"'I think we're going to get on just fine,' she told me, patting me heavily on the back before dragging me away before anyone noticed the fire." Bella shrugged lightly. "So I guess that's what Diane's like: tough, scary, cool, smooth, and she always pushes me. She's also funny, fierce, and protective as hell, but it took me a while longer to get to know that. She's a lot of things, but she's always there for me."

Alice didn't say anything for a long time, and Bella took to staring at the other passengers, glaring at the nosy man and making him quickly look away.

"I wasn't there for you."

Bella's eyes snapped to Alice's face which had seemed to crumple in on itself.

"Oh, Alice." Bella struggled to wrap her arms around Alice, jostling a few disgruntled commuters in the act. "I didn't mean it like that."

"It's true, though." Alice sniffled. "I'm so stuck in future possibilities, other times and places, that I never think about what's happening now. I knew I'd see you again; I'd seen it as surely as I see you now. So I didn't fight what Edward was doing. I should have fought him; I should have fought for you."

Bella looked away so that Alice wouldn't see the moisture that had pooled in her eyes. "He told me you didn't want to leave," Bella muttered at her feet. "And you're here now, and that's all that matters, right?"

"Bella," Alice took Bella's hands, forcing Bella to meet her huge eyes. Bella cleared her suddenly dry mouth. "Can you forgive me?"

Bella didn't know why she hesitated. She had made it clear to everyone—including herself—that she had moved on from what the Cullens had done to her so long ago. She knew she liked—even loved Alice. She couldn't blame her for choosing her brother. She couldn't blame Jasper for trying to hurt her at her party. She couldn't blame Edward for not loving her enough. So she didn't know why these words were so hard to say.

"Of course I can." The words were rough and nearly got stuck in her throat on the way out.

Despite the hesitance in Bella's voice, Alice positively beamed. Bella was glad that she had made Alice so happy, but by the end of the day, Alice's incessant chirpiness had driven her insane.

"Did you get the job?" Jasper asked as soon as they were through the apartment door. Jasper was leaning against the countertop, arms crossed over his chest, looking slightly ridiculous in a bright pink polo shirt and white pants.

"What do you think?" Bella grumbled, throwing herself into a protesting chair. "Lynne _loved_ her. Everyone _loved_ her. They even let her stay in the kitchen and distract everyone _all day_."

"I was job shadowing," Alice said happily, kissing Jasper on the cheek. "I was finding out what my job entails."

"You're a _dishwasher_, Alice," Bella cried, exasperated. "You wash dishes. That is what your job entails."

Alice stuck her tongue out at Bella cheekily, assuming that Bella was teasing her instead of just being irritated.

"I start tomorrow," Alice chirped. "I'm going to get changed!"

Alice shot off to Bella's bedroom, humming to herself.

Edward shot Bella a small sympathetic smile that did little to appease her. The quiche, salad and cup of tea that he placed in front of her, however, actually made her spirits rise incrementally.

Edward seemed in a better mood today, if the smirk on his face was any indication. Bella tried not to stare as he stood next to Jasper, looking indecently handsome in fitted black jeans and an untucked white shirt that was rolled up to his elbows. She knew there was nothing wrong with noticing that Edward was attractive—she had eyes after all—but thinking of him in that way felt all kinds of wrong. It made her even more edgy that she already was.

"I have good news, and I have unbelievably sucky news," Diane announced as she emerged from her bedroom, looking slightly rumpled from a nap. "I'll have some of that, thanks, Edward."

Diane walked over to Bella, slipped her hand into the opening of her blouse and tucked something underneath Bella's bra strap. Bella stared at her, wondering whether the world had gone completely mad without her.

"That's not an acceptable form of note passing," Bella insisted, reaching for whatever Diane had given her.

"No." Diane slapped her hand away. "You have to decide: do you want the good news or bad news first?"

"Bad news first," Alice advised, emerging from Bella's room, looking like her old fashionable self again. "Afterwards, the good news will make it seem not so bad."

"Which one is this?" Bella huffed, pointing at her chest.

"Good news," Diane grinned widely, making Bella utterly nervous.

"Fine, good news then. It's really annoying me."

Diane waved her hand, allowing Bella to extract the piece of paper from her bra, looking worryingly excited. Bella opened it and saw a long string of numbers.

"Did you get a new phone?" Bella asked.

Diane looked comically confused. "What?"

"You've given me a phone number," Bella said, waving the paper around in frustration. "Did you change contract, or something?"

Diane rolled her eyes so far back, Bella worried they'd get stuck.

"It's not mine, stupid. It's Officer McHottie's."

"_Who_?"

"Officer McHottie. Well, actually his name is Walter, but everyone at the station calls him Officer McHottie. Because he's hot."

Bella felt her face start to heat up and she resisted the urge to put her hand on her face, not wanting to bring attention to it.

"Why do you think I need his phone number?"

"Are you being dense on purpose?" Diane asked archly. "He saw you at the precinct a month or so ago—you know, when you were picked up at Marine Park for setting those trees on fire." Bella couldn't resist the urge and pressed her cold hands against her burning cheeks. She heard Alice titter. "He thought you were cute, asked me to give you his number."

Bella couldn't help but be suspicious of the timing. If he saw her a month ago, why was Diane giving her his number now? She voiced the query out loud.

"He was going out with someone else then," Diane said airily. "Some leggy brunette. They just broke up and he asked about you. Here's my phone."

Diane thrust her cell under Bella's nose, making her jerk back and make an angry noise. Bella knew why Diane was doing this—some stupid plan to make Edward feel jealous or something. She wanted to call Diane out on it and tell her she was wasting her time, but then she would have to tell the others what was going on, and that was just too mortifying for words.

"Stop it, Diane, I'm not calling him." Bella buried her face in her cup of tea, surprised that Edward had got it exactly the way she liked it and then feeling stupid for being surprised because he was a vampire and had an eidetic memory.

"But Bella," Diane said in a shocked voice. "_McHottie_. Even I'd ... actually, no I wouldn't, but I am comfortable enough with my sexuality to admit that he is very attractive."

"Leave it, Diane," Bella said warningly and then laughed lightly. "Even if I was tempted, when on earth would I have time to date?"

"Who said anything about dating?" Diane asked with a lecherous wink. "You have a half-hour lunch break, don't you? Nice handy alley behind the kitchen?"

The sound of cracking made the room turn to Edward, who held a piece of the same plate in each hand.

"Sorry," he muttered, not meeting anyone's eyes.

"Well?" Diane asked, grinning almost frighteningly widely.

"I've seen that alleyway," Alice piped up, looking a mixture of amused and extremely uncomfortable. "It's not sanitary."

"I'm not calling him; drop it."

"But _Bellaaa_," Diane whined, slapping the table and making it wobble ominously. "It's been _ages_ since you last got laid."

"_Oh, my God._"It almost felt as though Bella's face would melt with the heat. She covered her eyes as though it could make this situation disappear.

"Seriously, I'm worried for you. It's been almost ..."

"_Silencio_!" Bella yelled, pointing a hand at Diane, not sure what she was doing.

Diane stared at her for a moment, looking baffled and a little worried.

"Well, that was ridiculous," Diane said slowly. "You don't even have a wand."

Bella stood up suddenly, refusing to look at anyone and wishing more than she had wished for anything in her life that the floor would open up, and she would disappear into the hellmouth.

"I'm going to go drown myself in the shower," she announced, moving to leave but being foiled by Diane's hand on her arm.

"Wait, I still have to tell you the bad news."

Bella sighed heavily. "Fine, then can I go drown myself?"

"You're being very melodramatic today—it's not like you."

"Bad news?"

"Oh yes, well you're not going to believe this, but we've got another vampire in the city."

Bella gasped, holding onto the sideboard for support. This couldn't be happening.

"You are shitting me," she said unsteadily. "This isn't possible. How do you know it's not just Victoria?"

"No, Victoria's fed a couple times in Queens, and this is in the Lower East side and not her style at all."

Bella tried not to be annoyed that this was the first time she was hearing about Victoria's kills and moved on quickly.

"What's going on?" Bella asked no one in particular. "How can we have this many vampires in such a short amount of time?"

"It's almost spring time," Diane shrugged. "The nights are getting shorter and the vampires are migrating up north. Some of them will pass through and some of them will stay. It's always like this in the transitioning months. Remember October last year?"

Bella shuddered.

"Exactly. This one shouldn't be too hard to find, though. The body was found outside 120 Norfolk Street."

"120 Norfolk Street?" Bella asked, wondering why that address sounded so familiar. "Isn't that ... isn't that just a couple down from River's Coven?"

"Coven?" Alice asked suddenly. "As in … coven?"

"It's the name of a bar," Bella explained. "But it is also a coven, yes, or rather a haven for a particular coven, with River as their Elder."

"The victim was a vampire?" Alice asked.

Diane laughed loudly. "Yeah, he was a vampire, but a human one."

The look on Alice's face was priceless, and even Bella couldn't help but join in Diane's laughter.

"There's a vampire subculture," Bella explained, taking pity on her, "and a surprisingly large one in New York. It's actually pretty cool; most of the vampire clubs do really good special events based around wearing gothic costumes and playing mostly goth and heavy metal music. Most of them aren't just exclusive to vampires; they invite faeries, otherkin, medievalists, witches, Satanists, children of Discord ... why are you looking at me like that?"

Alice, Jasper and Edward were looking at her as though she had suddenly sprouted an extra head.

"Bella," Alice said slowly. "You do know there aren't such things as faeries and ... whatever else you just said."

"I'm not crazy, Alice," Bella said indignantly. "It's part of a huge subculture; they're just identities that people play with. It's kind of romantic."

"But River's Coven isn't like that," Diane interrupted. "It's _very_ exclusive, and it caters to more specific clientele."

"What's more specific than vampire wannabes?" Jasper asked wryly.

"The vampire subculture is very mixed," Diane informed them. "There are psychic vampires, ones involved more in the sexual side of it—S&M, stuff like that—and occasionally there are the ones into blood exchange."

"Blood exchange?" Jasper looked horrified. "Humans actually drink each other's blood?"

Diane grinned at him. "Not many, but some. Mostly it's a very private experience, something vampires wouldn't want to share in public..."

"But like we said, River's Coven is different." Bella rubbed her eyes; suddenly feeling very tired, and the harsh lights in the kitchen were starting to give her a headache. "The vampires there exchange blood very publicly, and unsurprisingly, it attracts a whole load of bad folk."

Jasper snorted.

"When was the murder?" Bella asked Diane, resting her head in her hand and peering at her through her hair.

"It was at the last club night, which was last Friday. Shelley at the 9th let me down. I only heard about it now because a couple of cops were talking about it in the break room," Diane said.

"Last Friday?" Bella asked. "So there'll be another one tonight. What's the bet our real vampire's going to be there again?"

"Tonight?" Alice asked. "What about patrol?"

"You'll just have to go on without me," Bella said, standing up and brushing her hair away from her face. She really needed to get it cut soon.

"You're not going alone."

Bella raised her eyebrows at Edward, shooting him a challenging glare.

"I've done this for a while," she said dismissively. "I think I'll be fine."

"One of us can go instead."

"I'm really not appreciating this weird chivalry act. Anyway, it's a members only club."

They gave her that look again, like she had sprouted fur and started howling at the moon.

"What?" she asked defensively. "This has happened before, and we needed to get into the club. Strictly business."

"You can take one of us with you," Edward said, not letting go. "They've got to allow members to invite guests—all the exclusive clubs do."

Bella hesitated because they did, in fact, have a guest policy.

"Fine," she gave in. "Diane will come with me."

Edward crossed his arms across his chest, fixing Bella with a look she remembered well. She had never gotten her way when he used that look, but things had changed.

"Do you really think it's safe for one of you to be there?" Bella asked before Edward could say anything logical and convincing. "In a dark, crowded club, full of humans drinking each other's blood? I don't want to be responsible for taking two vampires out if you get out of control."

"If you go alone," Edward said, his voice annoyingly soft and reasonable sounding, "or with Diane, how would you corner the vampire? You'd have to get him outside—you can't kill him in the club."

"Easy," Bella retorted. "Wait until he finds a victim and follow him."

"Isn't that dangerous for the victim? What if he bites her before you get to him?"

She opened her mouth angrily, but couldn't make herself lie. She wanted to tell him that she would get there in time, but she knew that that wasn't always true.

"If one of us goes," Edward said, capitalizing on her moment of weakness, "we could lure him outside. Talk about how fun it is, killing innocent humans."

Diane breathed a laugh.

"That still doesn't factor in the blood," Bella said stubbornly. She saw the logic in Edward's argument but a strong part of her just didn't want to give in. "Do any of you think you could withstand that?"

"Well, we know Jasper definitely can't," Diane said breezily. Alice shot her a withering glare, but Jasper didn't seem to mind. In fact, he looked relieved.

Bella saw where this was going and felt her heart sink.

"Edward's the really freaky one," Diane offered, smirking slightly. Bella couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking, whether this was another one of her annoying ploys. "He drank his singer's blood and didn't even kill her."

Bella met Edward's gaze, grinding her teeth. He wasn't smiling but his eyes looked irritatingly smug. He tilted his head as though daring her to refute the argument. She wished she could.

"Whatever," Bella mumbled, feeling—and sounding—like a petulant teenager. "You'll have to get an outfit though. Strict gothic dress code. Don't buy any plastic fangs or anything, they hate that."

Alice clapped her hands and did an annoyingly adorable jig on the spot. "Edward shopping!" Alice sang. "My favorite kind. It's late but I'll phone places on the way. Make sure they stay open for this." Alice waved a black credit card in the air like a baton. "Bella, do you want anything?"

"No, I've already got mine." Alice raised her eyebrows at her. "It's practically part of the job description. It's not even the strangest outfit I have."

Diane nodded solemnly.

"We'll meet back here at ten," Bella said, trying to take charge of a situation she felt slipping away from her.

Alice led the others out of the apartment, pulling out her phone and giggling in barely suppressed glee.

"Wow, she's so vain," Diane said, shaking her head. "You'd think being an age-old vampire would give you some perspective."

"She's not vain," Bella muttered distractedly as she carried the dishes to the sink.

Diane scoffed. "Are you kidding? Have you seen the clothes that lot wear? She spends more money on a pair of jeans than I spent on my entire wardrobe."

"It gives her something trivial to focus on. Can you imagine what it would be like, living in more than one time—present and future? It would drive you crazy. Little things like clothes keep her grounded in this reality."

Diane pursed her lips, but seemed unconvinced. "Come on, you need to get changed. I'll help with the laces."

Bella dropped her head over the sink. This was going to be one hell of an interesting night.

**A/N: Anyone who figures out what the title of this chapter means gets a gold star, and safety in the knowledge that they are awesome.**


	11. Bite Me

**Disclaimer: Not mine. You know the drill by now.**

**A/N: Okay, this is a pretty giant chapter, but I really _really_ didn't want to split it up. I'm sorry if that bothers people.**

Bella turned to the mirror on the back of her bedroom door, and stared at herself for a long moment. Even though she complained and acted as though wearing costumes to catch a vampire was a great inconvenience, she secretly loved it. She could dress up and pretend to be someone else, and it made killing just a little bit easier.

The dress had a black lace corset with long sleeves that could be unbuttoned up to her elbow. The skirt flared out under the corset in beautifully tattered layers that staggered diagonally from her thigh, leaving glimpses of her right leg. Of course, this meant Bella actually had to shave her legs, but since it was almost spring, she felt it was probably about time.

Bella looked down at herself and took an experimental deep breath.

"I think you've laced it too tight."

Diane tugged at the knots she had tied into the back.

"No, they're fine."

Bella took another breath and stared, almost in awe, at the way her chest looked. She had never been a big fan of her breasts, but they were kind of fascinating all squished up like that.

"I think I'm going to fall out of this thing."

Diane walked in front of her and grinned.

"You won't. Those things are practically in a vice. Do a little wiggle."

Bella frowned, feeling ridiculous, but did an exaggerated shimmy while leaning over. It was quite unnerving. Although her breasts were practically spilling over her corset, even when she jiggled as hard as she could, they barely moved.

"We've nearly run out of boob tape," Diane informed her, staring shamelessly at Bella's cleavage. "I'll have to pick some more up after work."

Bella grimaced as she grabbed a well-used eyeliner pencil from the make-up bag on the bed. She expertly applied it, smudging it below her eyes. She spread on copious amounts of red lipstick, blotting it on a handkerchief.

Diane appeared behind her in the mirror, rubbing hair gel liberally onto her hands. Bella stared at herself critically while Diane rubbed her hands through Bella's hair, leaving it looking rather disheveled.

"Do I look okay?" Bella asked worriedly. "It's been a while since I went to River's—maybe this dress is outdated now."

Diane clicked her tongue and rested her head on Bella's shoulder. "Honey, you look good enough to eat."

Personally, Bella thought she looked like a gothic Victorian prostitute, but maybe that was the point.

Bella heard the front door to the apartment block opening, and she knew it was the Cullens back from their shopping mission. Diane smirked at her before squeezing out of the bedroom. Bella took a shuddering breath and smoothed her hands over her stomach. She suddenly felt like she looked ridiculous. Her hair looked like a scraggly mess, her lips looked way too red as if she'd had some sort of allergic reaction, and the make-up around her eyes made her look like she hadn't slept in a week. She wanted to take everything off, but wouldn't give into her momentary weakness. It didn't matter what she looked like, because this was business. She just couldn't do it unless she looked like a member of the Adams family.

Bella heard them enter the apartment as Alice chattered excitedly. Diane sniggered.

"Don't you look a picture," she said teasingly. "Actually, I think I do have a camera around here somewhere."

"Brilliant!" Alice shrieked. "We need pictures. Where's Bella?"

"Alice," she heard Edward mutter, some kind of acute embarrassment evident in his voice. "Calm down. It's not prom."

Suddenly, and completely unexpectedly, something ripped in Bella's chest. She leant over, holding onto the wall for support and gasped. She clutched at her chest, unable to breathe in the binding corset. The moment passed relatively quickly, but it had left her shaken. She leant her forehead against the cold wall. What _was_ that?

"Bella?" Alice called out in an annoyingly high pitched voice. "Come out! I want to see what you look like."

"In a minute."

Bella stared at herself in the mirror for a long moment. She didn't care what she looked like anymore, she just wanted to figure out what she was feeling. Her eyes wouldn't let her into the secret. They looked as confused as the rest of her.

Before she could think anymore, Bella opened the door and entered the living room. She felt her breath hitch again, but knew the reasons for it this time.

Edward was standing near the front door and his eyes caught hers as soon as she appeared. He looked ... well, he looked ... Bella couldn't think of an appropriate word, or at least tried not to think about it too hard in case the blush she felt stirring under her skin crept up her chest and to her face.

Of course, Alice had outdone herself, as Bella should have known she would. He was wearing a lopsided, one-shouldered black waistcoat over the top of a midnight blue silk shirt. His pants were black and tight, with leather buckles staged up the outsides of his legs. Bella swallowed hard.

Worst of all was ... Bella wondered whether it would be too obvious if she started fanning herself with her hand. He—or Alice, she supposed—had dyed his hair black and slicked it back. Bella was a huge fan of his messy, beautiful bronze hair, but this was just something else. His cheekbones looked so sharp that she could actually see shadows underneath them.

His eyes were pitch black when she finally met them, and Bella was so glad that they hadn't bought red contacts. She didn't think she could have handled that.

She cleared her throat. "Are you ready?"

Edward just nodded, fishing keys out of his pockets and looking away.

Diane grabbed Bella into a tight hug. "Be careful," she whispered.

"Always am," Bella replied, giving Diane a small kiss on her cheek. "You too."

Diane drew back and gave her a tight smile.

"I'll be fine," Bella reiterated, but Diane's eyes still looked tense.

"Happy hunting," Bella said to the rest of the room, smiling briefly before walking away.

She felt Edward following her from the room. She wanted to turn around and say something that would dissipate the tension she could feel between them, but she couldn't. She didn't want to look at him again because she had come to the conclusion that looking at him was too dangerous.

She felt relieved when she left the building and felt the cold spring air biting her skin. She closed her eyes for a second, but when she opened them, the temporary sense of calm disappeared from her body as if it had evaporated into the air.

The car unlocked with a loud beep, and Edward brushed past her to open the passenger door.

Bella didn't know exactly how she felt when she saw that silver Volvo parked in front of her home. She knew that her palms had started to sweat, and her heart did strange things against her rib cage, but the specific feelings were alien to her. She almost wished Jasper was here, so that she could lift her shield for a moment, and have him tell her what was wrong with her body.

She tried to chuckle but it sounded strange. "I think I'm having an alternative universe déjà vu," she said.

Edward didn't smile and his eyes were still too dark as he stood there, waiting for her to get in.

She slid into the car, wishing she could have been strong enough to convince Edward to let her go on her own. He climbed in next to her, and started the ignition, driving away far too quickly.

She let out a breath of laughter.

"What?" Edward asked, his velvet voice rough.

"I still can't get over that you have a Volvo," she muttered, turning up the heat.

"It's a good car," he defended. "I'd have thought you'd have known that, what with your newfound passion for cars."

"It's a bit reliable."

"You'd prefer that it was unreliable?"

Bella laughed genuinely this time. "In a way. It's a car for old people."

Edward raised his eyebrow at her. "I am an old person," he said wryly.

Bella surreptitiously glanced at him, looking at his perfect skin, long eyelashes, and sharp, youthful features and wondered—not for the first time—at how bizarre her life was. Old person indeed.

"We should probably talk about what we're going to do in the club."

Edward nodded, his lips pressed together tightly.

"The vampire might feel intimidated by your presence," Bella told him. "We've witnessed a couple of scuffles between vampires when they encroach on each other's territories. You'll have to keep him placated. I suppose you'll be able to tell if he is angry by his thoughts.

"You'll have to do most of the talking." Bella played with her sleeve. "Real vampires in these places generally think of themselves as charming, but they all get off on dominating their victims. You'll have to pretend that you've chosen me to be dinner tonight so that I can stay near you both; because of that, he won't expect me to talk much if you're there."

"What should I do to get him outside?" Edward asked, something hard lacing his voice.

"That depends entirely on him; you'll have to read his cues. Maybe you can convince him to go somewhere quieter to chat, or we'll have to wait until he finds a victim. Maybe he'll just want to watch."

Edward's head snapped towards her. "What do you mean 'watch'?"

Bella shrugged. The fact that she did not find talking about these sorts of things disconcerting was, perhaps, a little disconcerting itself. "Why else do you think a vampire would go to a club where humans publicly drink other human's blood? They get off on watching. He might get excited at the prospect of watching a real feed."

Edward's hands tightened around the steering wheel. She could hear the leather groaning.

"When we get out there," Bella continued. "You need to get out of my way—I don't want you getting involved unless I specifically ask you to."

Edward's eyes were almost frightening when he stared at her. "You're not going to fight him," he commanded, as if that statement closed all discussion.

"Excuse me," Bella said, drawing herself up in her seat. "Yes, I am. This is my job."

"It doesn't have to be while I'm here."

Bella scoffed. "I've been trained to do this. I've been fighting vampires for the past six years."

"Bella." She bristled at how he said her name, as though he was trying to reason with a child throwing a tantrum. "You could get hurt. I'll know what he's thinking; it will be easier for me to fight him."

"What am I supposed to do?" Bella asked indignantly. "Stand there and watch?"

"It's what you want me to do."

"It's not happening. I need to fight him. I'm not a vampire, so I don't have a perfect memory, and I can't maintain the same level of fitness and skill by standing in a restaurant all day. Honestly, if we're going to be fighting Kahled soon, then I probably need the practice with this one." Bella saw Edward open his mouth to speak, and quickly cut him off. "I'm going to be the one fighting him, and if you go for him we're going to get in each other's way. We could both get hurt. It will be much easier for me to concentrate if it's one-on-one."

Edward gritted his teeth. "If it looks like he's going to hurt you …"

"We'll be fighting, it'll always look like he's going to hurt me," she said exasperatedly. "I can look after myself, but I don't want to have to look after you as well. I can't spend the whole time worrying that you're going to come rushing in and throw me off balance. You need to promise me that you won't try and help unless I ask, even if it looks like I need it."

"I can't do that."

Bella turned in her seat to glare at him. "Edward …" she growled.

"No, I'm sorry but I just can't promise that."

"Fine, then I won't get you into the club."

Edward's anger crackled against her skin. "Don't be childish," he snapped.

"I'm not being childish," she snarled. "I'm protecting myself. If there's a chance that you will get me hurt by overreacting, I'm not letting you help at all. So, what'll it be?"

Edward turned the wheel sharply and slammed on the brakes, causing the car to skid a halt at the side of the road. He leant his forehead against the steering wheel, his body unnaturally still. Bella just stared at him, waiting for him to calm down.

Eventually, he said in a strained voice, "I will promise not to interfere, but only if you promise to abandon your pride and ask for help _the moment_ you start to get nervous. Can you do that?"

Bella smiled slightly. He really was a control freak. "I promise."

"Then I promise, too."

He lifted his head, mechanically indicating and pulling into the traffic once more. "I really don't like this," he said tersely, his hands flexing on the steering wheel.

"You don't have to." Bella felt triumphant and couldn't help but smirk. "You get him outside, and I'll set him on fire. Simple."

Bella could feel the tension coming off Edward in waves. She hoped that he would keep his side of the bargain because in all honesty, having him there made her just a little bit less frightened about the fight. It wasn't often that she had a partner with her when she was trapping a vampire, but she was always grateful for the security.

Edward parked the car half a block away from the club. He took a deep breath and turned to her with almost imploring eyes. She tried to look away, but found she couldn't.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked softly.

Bella rolled her eyes and opened her door, getting out of the car before he tried any vampire voodoo on her to get her to change her mind.

The club was in an innocuous looking old house. It wasn't a place you could just wander into by accident. Bella led Edward down the steps, opening the door to the small foyer. It was dark and stuffy, but the floors shook with a throbbing baseline. A bouncer looked her over before nodding, gesturing for them to continue.

It was a huge room, a spare dark space for bodies to get lost with each other in the shadows. The dance floor was at the back of the room, a bar to its side, and plush velvet sofas and armchairs spread out across the front. The club was almost empty this early, but there were pale humans scattered about, languishing on the furniture and sipping their drinks with an arrogant nonchalance.

Bella sat herself down on a sofa where they could watch the door without obstruction, but also where the vampire would be able to spot them almost instantly. It would be better if he came to them.

"It's not quite the den of vice you led me to believe it would be."

Bella smirked. "It's still early."

Edward eyed their surroundings with wary curiosity. "It's almost comfortable," he commented, running a long finger along a velvet cushion. "Although, the music leaves a little to be desired."

Bella listened, recognizing a thudding remix of Nine Inch Nail's 'Closer'. She bit her tongue quickly against the words she felt rising in her throat. Somehow, she didn't think Edward wanted to know how she blamed this song for the rather reckless way she lost her virginity.

"What?" Edward asked, leaning closer to her.

"What?" Bella said in a rather panicky voice. "I didn't say anything. Did I?"

He frowned at her. "No, you just look worried. What are you thinking?"

Bella let out a relieved laugh. "Nothing, I just ... it's nothing."

Edward was still frowning at her, so she looked away. More people had trickled in, and a small group had congregated on the dance floor. The way people danced here always intrigued her. She couldn't imagine that any of them danced for pure pleasure, the way they writhed, screaming for eyes and bodies to pay attention. She wondered how it could be fun to be so conscious of every move, and of how people would interpret it, hoping they were sexy enough. It seemed tiring.

However, there was definitely something hypnotic about the way they moved. Their ghostly skin seemed to glow against their dark clothes, illuminated by the unnatural lights that made them appear—if you didn't look too closely—like true creatures of the night.

"Isabella Swan."

Bella jumped in her seat, tearing her eyes to the woman before her, and felt her heart sink. She plastered a sly smile on her face and rose to greet her.

"River, a pleasure as always."

River looked as terrifyingly beautiful as ever, wearing a black bodice with a deep red ruffle skirt. Piercings adorned her red lips, and her thinly painted eyebrows arched at Bella in a calculating look. She smiled darkly, showing off the pointed veneers she had paid a ridiculous amount to have fixed over her incisors.

"Why don't we go somewhere quieter, and have a little chat?" she asked smoothly, leaning in uncomfortably close, breathing against Bella's neck.

She held in a shudder and nodded, indicating that Edward should follow her. She didn't want to leave him alone, in case he got it in his head that he could take care of the vampire if he appeared while she was away.

River led them to a winding metal staircase next to the bar. The way her body moved when she walked reminded Bella of a snake: fluid and deadly.

The stairs ended before a door that River unlocked, disappearing through it and causing Bella to run up the remaining stairs before it closed.

The scent of blood was thick in the air, and Bella wrinkled her nose. She shot a look at Edward, who looked perfectly composed. She wished she could do that.

"It has been a long time, Isabella," River said wistfully, sitting down on the giant bed that dominated the room. She stroked the silk sheets before looking back up, her eyes glittering. "Why do I get the feeling that you only visit me when there has been drama?"

Bella tried to look innocent. "Drama?"

"Don't be coy with me. You must have heard about Xensor."

Bella barely held back a snort. The victim's real name was Andrew.

She opened her mouth to deny River's accusations when Edward interrupted.

"I asked her to bring me when I heard," he said, his voice dangerously liquid velvet. His eyes burned when he fixed them with River's. "I thought it was ... exciting."

Bella watched as River's eyes took Edward in and couldn't help but feel sorry for him.

"My Isabella," she purred, standing up and running her hands down her skirt. "You've brought me a gift."

Bella couldn't hold back an eye roll, but luckily River didn't seem keen on taking her eyes off of Edward.

"Sorry, River, but this one's mine."

Bella was distracted by how strange that felt to say by River's comically disappointed pout.

"What a waste," she lamented. "My name is River."

River held out her hand, her long red fingernails reminding Bella of bloody talons. Edward chivalrously took it, and raised it to his lips. River didn't notice the darkness that flashed across his face as he did it, but Bella did and it made her smile.

"I'm Edward," he said, releasing her hand. She took it back reluctantly.

"Edward. That is a very nice name." She smiled. "You seem like a good influence; maybe you can persuade our Isabella to visit us more often."

"I'll do my very best."

River stared at him for a long moment before sighing rather dramatically.

"As much as I'd like to keep you up here all night, you should join in with the festivities downstairs. I can't expect you to want to come back if you don't have the full experience. Try and find me before you leave. I'd like to get your thoughts on my little establishment."

"Of course." Edward smirked and even Bella thought the effect was rather devastating. "It was wonderful to meet you, River."

"I'm sure it was."

Bella made a hasty retreat for the door, breathing deeply when the smell of blood and sex were replaced by the sweaty heat of the club downstairs. Edward shut the door after him and Bella looked up to see him rubbing his forehead, as though he had a headache.

"What was she thinking?"

Edward breathed a rather tortured laugh. "You really don't want to know," he said dryly.

Bella grimaced. "Sorry about that, but what was going on?"

Edward waved her forward, wanting to put some distance between them River.

"She's suspicious of you," he muttered. "But she's not sure why. She's starting to put together the times you come to the club and the murders and disappearances that happen here."

Bella sighed. "I guess that means I can't come back after this. Maybe Diane can try to sneak her way ..."

Bella stopped as her foot hit the floor, her words catching in her throat.

The vampire had spotted them as instantly as they had him and his eyes glittered. He was sitting in a deep purple armchair, obviously enjoying the sight of the two girls on the sofa next to him. One girl reclined against the back of the chair, with her eyes half closed, watching the second girl as she sucked on her wrist, a single drop of blood sliding down her chin.

Bella studied the vampire closely as he stood and made his way slowly towards them. His head was tilted to the left in curiosity. He was wearing a long-sleeved black shirt and skinny, black jeans. Bella couldn't know whether he had been in many fights, but judging from the way he regarded Edward, with wary excitement, Bella was willing to bet he hadn't.

Bella's breath hitched when Edward stood next to her, wrapping his arm around her, and pulling her against his side. She knew it was a clever move, both possessive and dominant, but she couldn't help feeling distinctly uncomfortable with the way his hand curled around her hip.

The vampire drew close, and Bella felt her muscles tense up. She fixed her face into a soft but fiery look, as though she was intrigued with the creature before her and not repulsed.

"Hello, brother," the vampire said softly, his eyes focused on Edward intensely. "I am surprised to see you here tonight. I was under the impression that only I knew the secret wonders of this place."

"Brother." Bella knew that the vampire would not be able to hear the hidden disdain in Edward's voice. "I apologize; I did not know you were hunting here."

The vampire smiled menacingly, leaning in towards Edward conspiratorially. "There is no need to apologize. There is more than enough to go around.

"Although it looks as though you have already made a selection." The vampire turned his gaze to Bella. Bella looked away shyly, as though his eyes were difficult to meet. "And you are?" he asked her in a deliberately smooth voice.

"I'm Bella," she said breathily.

The vampire took her right hand from her side and raised it to his lips. Bella felt Edward's hand tighten against her hip.

"Enchanted," the vampire muttered, turning her hand over and laying a delicate, icy kiss against her wrist. She watched as he inhaled her scent, and his lips curled up into a daunting smile.

_Gotcha_.

The vampire turned back to Edward, letting Bella's hand fall back to her side.

"You have excellent taste, my friend."

Bella smiled as if she had been complimented instead of thinking that was one of the most disturbing things she had ever heard.

The vampire started to question Edward about his stay in New York, and where he had been before coming here. Bella blocked the conversation from her thoughts as she wondered how she could communicate the plan that had suddenly come into her mind to Edward. She wondered if she could write it onto the hand against her hip, but she didn't want to risk the other vampire noticing. She couldn't whisper it in his ear because the other one would hear. She hesitated, her whole being protesting against what she was about to do.

Before she could talk herself out of it, Bella pushed her shield away from herself.

_Offer to share me, as a gesture of goodwill._

Bella snapped her shield back around her as quickly as possible, her heart feeling uncomfortably heavy in her chest. She didn't want to look at Edward, to see what might be hiding in his face or behind his eyes.

She had always wondered about Edward's ability. It seemed like such a simple concept when you just said 'he can read minds,' but Bella thought that there was nothing simple about it. Maybe it was just her, or maybe her brain worked differently than everyone else's, because she couldn't imagine how anyone could look into her mind and hear what she was thinking like one part of a conversation.

She was always thinking so many thoughts at one time. Sure, she'd try to concentrate, figure something out, and think something deliberately loud, like she had just done, but there was always other stuff swirling around, pictures and snatches of songs and memories. It didn't seem possible that Edward could read a mind as easily as opening a book.

Edward's hand tightened, pulling her back against his chest. She worried that, in that one moment she had opened up to him, he had been able to see the entirety of her.

She waited for Edward to suggest to the vampire that they should go out back, have a quick snack, and then return for more. She waited, but he didn't seem to be able to say it.

_Come on, Edward_.

She dug her thumb hard into the juncture of Edward's wrist. His hand flinched against her, but he still wouldn't say it.

She turned in his grasp and looked up at the two of them, heads bent toward each other in conversation. Edward still looked utterly composed, but she could see the tightness of his jaw and the tiny frown creasing his forehead.

"What are you two talking about?" She smiled coyly but quickly shot Edward a warning look.

The vampire smiled at her. "Nothing that concerns you, my dear."

Bella continued anyway, disregarding his patriarchal tendencies, because apparently Edward couldn't stick to a plan.

"Everyone is so jealous of me," Bella said, flicking her hair over her shoulder. "Here with two gorgeous vampires all to myself."

The vampire's eyes flashed, and she knew this would be easy.

"I almost don't know which one of you I want first."

The vampire let out a soft breath of laughter. "Really, Edward, where did you find her?"

"W-well," Edward stammered. "If you want ..."

"Oh brother, I couldn't possibly."

"Share me."

The vampire's eyes cut quickly to Bella, who smirked devilishly back. She felt Edward let out a stuttering breath against her hair.

"Please."

The vampire took Bella's hand again, and raised it to his face. For a moment, her heart stopped. He wouldn't possibly … but he just took another deep breath of her scent, closing his eyes for a moment.

"Since you asked so nicely." Bella shivered, hearing the animal lurking behind this civilized facade. "If you're sure, Edward."

Bella dug her thumb into his wrist again, and this time achieved results.

"Of course, I'm sure." His voice was not quite as smooth as it had been, but the vampire didn't seem to notice.

"Follow me."

The vampire turned sharply, leading the way across the room.

Bella went to follow him, but Edward wouldn't move. She shot him an angry look.

"Bella ..."

He looked pained, frightened, and some other things that she couldn't read, but she took no pity because this was ending tonight.

"Come on."

She twisted from his grasp and took hold of his arm, pulling him along beside her. The vampire glanced back at them and she let her hand soften, as though she was merely holding his arm as they walked next to each other. He smiled at them and pushed his way through the dance floor.

People complained as the vampire opened the fire exit door and let cold air brush their overheated bodies. Bella loved the feeling, and gratefully took a deep breath of clean air. They entered the narrow alley that separated River's Coven from the row of shops opposite. A bundle of trash cans hid in the corner, and a high metal fence prevented escape to the road beyond.

_Perfect_.

"Would you like the left, or the right?" the vampire asked, even though he took Bella's right hand in his own. This unerring politeness was so incongruous to the situation that Bella almost laughed out loud.

"It seems like you've already decided," Bella said softly, her heart loud in her chest as the vampire raised his hand to his lips. This time she knew he had something a lot more painful in mind than a kiss.

Edward took a sudden step forward, and Bella quickly held her hand out, pushing against his chest to stop him from moving. She could feel a growl starting to build in his chest and she hoped the other vampire wouldn't notice.

_You promised_, Bella mouthed silently.

Fortunately, the vampire was totally engrossed in the task at hand, and didn't notice their exchange. His lips brushed Bella's wrist for a brief moment before he opened his mouth and bit down.

Bella hissed, feeling the venom enter her bloodstream immediately. She removed her hand from Edward, grabbed the vampire's hair and pulled him away.

"What ...?"

Bella drew back her bleeding right hand and brought it crashing in the vampire's face, sending him sprawling against the wet concrete. Quickly, she brought her wrist to her mouth and sucked some blood. She spat it out on the ground, as she could feel the rest of the venom stinging in her veins. She didn't have enough time to do anything about that now. Now, she had to fight.

The vampire sprang up; his face was a mixture of confusion, anger and terrifying wildness. He had a taste for Bella's blood, and he would do anything to drink her dry.

He lunged at her, but she moved out of the way easily. She delivered a hard kick to his side as he rushed past. He staggered while trying not to fall, and she helped him down with another kick.

He rolled away quickly, and managed to climb to his knees before she reached him. He blocked the kick that she had aimed at his nose, wrapping his hand around her ankle. She was brought crashing to the ground.

Instinctively, Bella curled herself into a tight ball, her knees curled into her chest. The vampire knelt over her, his eyes wild and desperate. He reached out for her, but she crossed her arms over her face to protect herself. His sharp fingernails clawed against her forearms, and Bella took the advantage by pressing her feet against his chest and kicking hard, sending him flying away from her. She rolled onto her feet, and rushed toward him. She dodged the punches he sent her, responding with a few hard jabs of her own which made crunching impact.

He feinted to the right, and she fell for it for just a moment, moving too slowly to entirely avoid a strike at her side. It didn't hurt, but it unsettled her for a split second, so that when she saw his hands rushing toward her face, she barely managed to throw her own up in time to block him. She pushed his arms out wide, planning to knee him in the groin while his body was open and exposed, but before she could move, his forehead came crashing down on the bridge of her nose.

She staggered back, blinded from the sharp pain, raising her hands to her face in a desperate attempt to protect herself. She hit something and deflected it away, but something sharp caught on the skin above her eyebrow. She twisted away, rolling along the ground to distance herself from him. She felt the blood well up, and it immediately started to run down her face, the taste of it filling her mouth and making her feel sick. She could feel her heart thundering in her chest, and her breaths were labored and heavy. She was starting to panic and she needed to get herself under control.

Then she remembered; she had made a promise, too.

"Edward!"

A vicious growl ripped the air as Edward threw himself at the vampire that was prepared to leap at her. The sounds they both made were horrific. She was grateful when her eyesight started to return, not only for her own safety, but because she couldn't stand being in the dark, alone with those noises.

The vampire was in a frenzy and Edward had to work hard to keep it away from her as it leapt and struggled for the beautiful blood he had briefly experienced.

Edward looked terrifying, and Bella couldn't help but stagger back a few steps. His face looked, for the first time, like a vampire. His eyes were impossibly black and his lips were pulled back in a vicious snarl. He almost looked like he was dancing. His body moved fluidly as he defended himself.

Bella wasn't entirely sure when it happened, but somehow Edward had gained the advantage. Suddenly his hand was pulling the vampire's head back, his teeth were at its neck, and she saw through bleary eyes as the body fell to the floor. His head rolled away, coming to rest at her feet.

There was a moment of painful stillness. The air was thick with venom, blood and a tension that made the hairs on the back of Bella's neck stand on end. It was suddenly difficult to breathe.

Edward made a step towards her, and she stumbled backwards, crashing into the wire fence behind her.

He stopped, his body still as a statue. She couldn't read his face.

"I'm not going to hurt you."

Bella felt ashamed, although she knew she had no reason to be. She was bleeding and he was a vampire. She still felt ashamed.

"Sorry."

The blood was stinging her eyes, and it was difficult to concentrate, but she thought she saw something change in his expression.

"May I?" he asked gently.

She wasn't sure what he was asking, but nodded anyway, taking an uncertain step toward him.

He unbuttoned his waistcoat with what Bella thought were shaky fingers, but the world still looked strange and she couldn't be sure of much. He walked toward her, stopping far enough away that she could take the fabric from his hand. She pressed the cloth against her forehead, feeling the flow of blood stop. She winced as she held it hard against her wound.

"Are you all right?" Edward asked in a soft voice that belied the tension she could sense in his body.

"I'm fine," Bella reassured him. "I've had worse and it'll stop in a minute."

"Let me see."

"There's no need to torture yourself."

"I'm not. Let me see."

She was going to tell him no—she had become much better at refusing him tonight—but the look on his face stopped her. There was a quiet desperation lurking under his calm features, and it made her heart contract.

She exhaled heavily, stepping forward and taking his waistcoat from her forehead.

So delicately she almost didn't feel it, Edward tilted her face up with a long finger. He was so close she could feel his breath on her face, but for some reason she wasn't frightened. His eyes surveyed her cut and she saw them tighten.

"You're going to need stitches," he muttered. "I'll take you to the hospital."

Bella stepped away again, raising the cloth back to the wound, and tried to focus.

"Can't. Don't have insurance."

He frowned at her. "Bella, I'll pay. It's not a problem."

"No, they'll want a check-up, and to know the name of my doctor. It's just easier if I just do it myself. I've gotten pretty nifty with a sewing kit over the years."

He searched her face and surprisingly relented. She didn't like how close they were.

She cleared her throat quietly. "Would you mind ...?" She nodded at the twitching body on the ground and Edward seemed to pull himself together.

"Of course."

He walked away and Bella thought that he didn't look as graceful as before. His movements were almost awkward. It was strange. She wondered what he was thinking.

Reaching under her suddenly annoying layered skirt, Bella scrambled for the garter belt around her left thigh with her free hand. She finally found it, pulling it down her leg and around her foot. She looked up to see Edward staring at her with huge eyes.

"What?" she asked rather defensively.

He shook his head and continued dismembering the vampire's body, his movements still oddly twitchy.

Bella struggled to open the little pocket she'd attached to her garter, gripping it in her teeth and pulling the zipper with her right hand. The contents fell to the floor, and she glared at them before picking them up.

By the time she straightened again, Edward had piled the dismembered limbs in the middle of the alleyway. She passed him the little bag of powder because she couldn't imagine how she could open it without endangering herself.

"Careful with that," she warned. "Don't touch it, just shake a little bit over the ... well, you know."

She didn't know why it was so hard to say the word 'body'.

He did as she advised, and then took the matchbox from her. Deftly, he struck a match and threw it on the remains.

Bella looked at the wire fence that separated them from the street; she really didn't feel like climbing over it right now. Maybe she could clear it if she jumped, but she really didn't fancy her coordination at the moment.

As though he had read her mind, Edward walked to the fence, hooked a finger around a chain link and pulled. The wire ripped like someone tearing paper. Bella smiled wryly to herself.

He held back one half of the broken wire, as if he was courteously holding open a door for her. The whole situation was so bizarre, and she thought she was used to the strangeness of her life.

Bella gingerly pulled the waistcoat away, touching her cut, and noticed that it wasn't bleeding any more. Gratefully, she threw it in the first trash can she saw, hating the smell of it, and hoping that it would make Edward slightly more comfortable.

She opened the window as soon as Edward turned on the car's engine. The cold air rushing against her face was refreshing, and the grimy, smoky stink of New York filled her up like medicine.

They got back just before midnight, but the others still hadn't returned from their patrol. She pushed down the worry she had ignored for most of the night, because it wasn't useful to anybody.

"I'm going to go wash up," Bella said, touching her face and grimacing at the sticky blood that still coated her left side. "Can you get the suture kit from the first aid box? The needle will probably need sterilizing. Sterilizer is in there too."

Edward nodded and turned into the kitchen. She watched him move for a few moments, wondering why he still looked strange, but she shook it off quickly and escaped into the bathroom.

She looked in the mirror and tried not to gasp. She looked like a complete mess. Dried blood was caked all down the side of her face. It had been smudged from Edward's waistcoat, and looked like crimson face paint. It was crusted around her eye, gluing it shut. She washed it off quickly, carefully rubbing at the blood around her eye. Only when she was completely clean did she closely examine the cut.

It was a lot deeper than she had initially guessed. She experimentally wiggled her eyebrows, wincing at the pain, and she was concerned that her left side didn't want to cooperate. She carefully washed away the dried blood caking the wound, flinching at the sight of muscle.

She emerged from the bathroom but stopped at the sight of Edward. He was standing in the kitchen, next to the table where he had laid out the suturing instruments. The fingertips of his right hand were resting gently on the tabletop, and he was staring at them with a rather lost expression. He looked distant, as if he were remembering something from a long time ago.

The look was gone instantly as he raised his eyes to watch her.

"I couldn't find any anesthetic," he told her.

"Anesthetic? We're not a hospital. I'll be fine. Done it loads of times." She walked into the kitchen, every part of her aware of Edward's proximity. It was like he was taking up twice as much space as usual. "Can you hold up the mirror so I can see what I'm doing?"

Edward frowned at her, as though he hadn't understood what she said. "What?"

"The mirror. I need to be able to see what I'm doing."

The frown was still there, but it looked more disapproving now. "You're not doing that yourself."

Bella narrowed her eyes. "Why do you keep thinking you can tell me what to do?"

He ducked his head, suddenly fascinated with his shoes. She couldn't believe that he had actually made her feel guilty.

Quietly, he said, "I meant that I can do it for you. It would be easier."

Bella sighed. She knew he was right, but a part of her wondered whether she was giving in because he just looked so sad.

"Fine, go ahead," she relented, shifting her chair so that she was facing him head on. He hesitated for a moment, obviously not expecting to get his way without a fight, but he rallied quickly.

Edward robotically threaded the string into the cutting needle. He looked uncertain, standing still for a moment before sinking to his knees before her.

Bella held back a tiny gasp, and tried to pretend as if that action hadn't made the hairs on her arms stand on end.

He was too close to her now, and Bella made sure that her breaths were even. Their faces were level, and Bella could make out each individual eyelash. She allowed herself to study his face only because he was not looking at her. He was staring at the needle and tweezers in his hand with that blank, lost look on his face she had glimpsed on him earlier.

She couldn't stand it any longer.

"Edward, what's wrong?" she asked almost desperately.

His black eyes flickered to hers, and she made herself keep them.

"Wrong?" he echoed in a rather hollow voice.

"Yes, wrong. You're acting non-Edward. I thought…" She lowered her eyes.

"You thought what?" he asked, and she heard some interest tint his voice. He always used to be obsessively curious as to what she was thinking.

"I thought since I yelled at you the other day, you had snapped out whatever it was that made you seem sad. I thought you'd finally stopped being so distant."

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I don't want to make this even more difficult for you."

"I don't want you to worry about what's difficult for _me_. I want to know why this is difficult for you. I know that we're not exactly friends yet, and that it's probably none of my business, but maybe I can help. I think that I'd like to help."

Suddenly, Bella chuckled.

"You should probably check me for concussion," Bella said ruefully. "I didn't mean to be this frank."

"You don't have a concussion, and your honesty is refreshing; you've been just as distant as I have."

Bella breathed a cynical laugh. "You're the one that said we weren't past evasions."

"I didn't mean that," he protested.

"Yes, you did."

He exhaled heavily, and the conflicting scent of him made her chest constrict.

"I don't want to mean it," he admitted quietly.

"Well then, we can start not meaning it by being honest with each other. I went first. Now it's your turn. What's wrong? Is it my blood? Because I really can do this myself."

Edward blinked, and looked at the suture instruments in his hands as though he had forgotten they were there.

"It's not your blood that's the problem." Before Bella had a chance to question this, Edward straightened up and stared at the open wound above her eyebrow with trepidation. "Tell me if it hurts too much, and I'll stop."

Bella smiled. "I've had this done countless times, and neither me or Diane ever went to med school."

Edward gave her a hard stare. "Tell me."

"Fine."

Bella fought from wincing as the needle pushed through her skin. Her skin was tougher than most people's, and Bella felt Edward exert more pressure as the needle complained.

He stopped after the first stitch.

"Are you all right?"

"Of course I am," she reassured him. "Are you going to tell me?"

He didn't speak for a moment as he continued to piece her back together.

"I thought I had accepted it," he started enigmatically. "Who you are, or rather what you do. I thought I understood, but tonight was …" He trailed off, failing to find an adequate word for what the night had been.

"Oh." Bella's heart dropped. What had she expected? That he could watch her attack one of his kind and not be horrified?

Edward searched her face and frowned. "I don't think you understand me. I'd been told that you were strong, and that you can fight, but knowing the theory is nothing like watching it being applied."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I was terrified."

Bella blinked. "I would _never_ hurt you."

Edward almost looked amused. "I wasn't frightened for me, you silly girl. I was frightened for you."

"For me?"

"How can you be surprised? The last time I saw you, you could hardly walk in a straight line without falling over. Now you're …" Edward shook his head. "I thought I had prepared myself to watch you fight. I hadn't. I don't think anything could prepare me for that."

She smirked slightly. She guessed it must have been a bit odd for him, watching clumsy old Bella transformed into a fighter. She was almost proud of herself for being able to unsettle him, just a little bit.

"You did really well," Bella said, watching his face as he concentrated on knitting skin to skin. "I know if I'm fighting with Diane and she's taking charge, I find it difficult to stay out of it. I want to help even if, most of the time, I'd just be getting in the way."

Edward took a few moments to speak, and when he did his voice was thick with something Bella couldn't identify.

"I don't know how I did that," he said, almost gruffly. "My whole body needed to move, to pull that thing away from you. The only reason I didn't is because my instinct to not let you get hurt is stronger than my instinct to protect you. I always thought they were the same thing."

Bella stared at him. "What does that mean?"

He froze for a second before swiftly cutting the string with a pair of scissors. "There, all finished."

"Oh, thanks," Bella muttered, running her fingers over the raised skin. She watched him suspiciously as he stood up and placed the instruments in the bowl of sterilizer. "What did you mean when you said…"

"The others are coming back," he interrupted, his eyes far away. "Alice wants us to hunt. Will you and Diane be alright tonight, alone?"

"Alone?" Bella repeated, momentarily distracted. "Have you been watching us at night?"

"Of course." Edward smirked. "Did you think we'd leave you alone at night, with Victoria and Kahled out for blood? We always stay outside of the building, if that makes you feel any better."

Actually, it did make her feel slightly better.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he said, avoiding her eyes as he moved toward the door.

Unsure why she insisted on pushing this, Bella leapt up and grasped his wrist. He looked at her in surprise, but she just gripped tighter.

"What did you mean?" she muttered, her neck straining as she looked up into his eyes. "Why won't you tell me?"

He looked torn as he reached up his free hand, tucking a piece of stray hair behind her ear. She flinched slightly, but refused to move away. She wasn't going to let him intimidate her into leaving this alone.

Eventually, he spoke heavily, his hand falling away from her. "All I meant is that sometimes trying to protect someone can hurt them more than trusting them to look after themselves. I only wish that it hadn't taken me this long to realize that."

He stepped away from her then. She hadn't even noticed that she had let him go.

"Goodnight, Bella."

His voice, and the sound of the door closing, echoed in her head, sounding distant and unreal. Her body felt two sizes too small, like she was about to burst through her seams.

She didn't know how she could feel so much lighter, and feel such an unbearable weight in her chest, all at the same time.

**A/N: I'm so sorry for the delay, but it took ages to get this back from beta. This was a really difficult chapter to write, and an even harder one to edit, and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the end result. Please tell me what you think!**

**A/A/N: A Wilderland is nominated for the Sunflower Awards for Best Vampire Story! If you think it's good, please vote here ****http:/thesunflowerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com/2009/07/voting(dot)html**

**Or follow the link on my profile. Thanks!**


	12. Lego House

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight etc. **

**A/N: Before you start this chapter, I want to address something that had propped up in a couple of reviews. People worried that Bella appeared weak in the last chapter, because she relied on Edward to save her. I really don't want people to think this about her, so, as a treat, I am going to give you a little something from chapter 24, where Bella explains exactly what happened at River's.**

"_**I'm a human, Edward. When I get hurt, I bleed, that's what we do. It doesn't mean we're weak or incapable. I had one tiny cut above my eye, big deal! I've had much worse injuries than that. Christ, I've fought with my guts practically hanging out, and you weren't around to save me then, and I won anyway. I'm stronger than you could possibly imagine."**_

_**Edward was paler than she had ever seen him, his hands shaking by his sides. "Then why did you ask me for help?"**_

"_**Because I promised I would," she hissed. "You made me promise that I would ask for help the moment I got nervous. Well, for a split second there, when I couldn't see, I got rattled. I could have ignored it and carried on, and won easily, but I didn't. Unlike some, I keep my promises."**_

**I hope that's cleared that up, but if you still have concerns, feel free to leave a review. I will defend my characters to the end. **

Bella had known it would be a terrible day from the moment she woke up, though even she couldn't have imagined the extent of how terrible it would be. It started when she quite literally got out of the wrong side of bed. She had been enjoying a surprisingly pleasant dream about summer days, Jane Austen and Forks, and being forced awake by her obnoxious alarm made her confused and groggy. The remnants of Forks lingered in her mind, making her forget that whilst her bed back home had ample space on each side—because her bed there was merely one part of her bedroom, not the entirety of it—her room in New York was slightly more compact.

The force of impact between Bella's knee and the wall left a dent, which let in a freezing draft. She knew that she had little chance of getting it fixed any time soon, because their emergency medical fund was frighteningly low, Diane still had a missing tooth, and they were only just making their rent. And now she felt guilty for worrying about money when … when …

Bella gazed at the single tear shimmering on her forearm. She let herself be distracted by the lights reflecting in the droplet, before smudging it out with a finger. She didn't want to cry anymore. She was sick of crying.

"Do you want me to get you some more ice cream?"

Bella's eyes flicked to Alice. She wasn't sure whether she was touched or irritated by the soft sympathy on her face.

"I feel sick," Bella offered by way of reply, before digging into the remnants of her Ben and Jerry's and shoving it into her mouth.

What Bella really wanted was some alcohol. She envied normal people who could smother their problems with stinging liquor, attempting to obliterate awful memories by just drinking and drinking and drinking, and then passing out somewhere into confused oblivion. She wished—more than anything in this moment—that she wasn't just so fucking _strong._

She wished that the ice cream gave her brain freeze. She wished she couldn't hear the footsteps climbing the stairs four floors down. She wished she didn't have to kill. She wished she could sleep for ten hours straight and not be woken once by blood and pain and fear.

She wished she was normal again.

The sound of Edward outside, fishing the keys to the apartment out of his pocket, made her sink even further onto the table. She felt so tired. She wanted to hide in her bedroom and never have to see him again, but she lacked the energy to move. Her body felt like a lead weight, and even breathing seemed like too much effort.

"Bella, are you alright?"

She gave him a blank stare. She didn't want to lie, but she dreaded the thought of telling him what was wrong, of saying the words out loud.

His gold eyes looked concerned as they took in her face. She tried to rearrange her features into something more neutral, but they wouldn't cooperate. Normally, she was brilliant at concealing her true feelings, and the moments when she felt herself slipping she could just hide until it went away. Not even Diane knew that sometimes she felt so terrible that she curled up into a ball in the middle of her bed, and just let the guilt eat away at her until she was so hollow she felt nothing.

She wanted them to go away so that she could feel nothing again.

"What's wrong?"

"Where're Diane and Jasper?" Bella asked in a low voice.

Edward frowned and looked over at Alice. She shook her head ever so slightly.

"They're ..." Edward growled softly, staring at Alice, who was lightly tapping her fingers on the table. Bella knew that she was singing something to keep Edward out of her head.

"Yes, Edward?" Alice asked sweetly.

"They're outside, arguing over what to order for dinner. Bella, why are you home so early?"

"Arguing?" Alice asked, amused. "Jasper doesn't even eat."

"I think they enjoy it," he replied tersely.

Bella wished they would just leave. Their scents were setting her on edge, when all she wanted to do was turn to liquid and spill to the floor. They were too real, too suffocating, and too confusing.

A cold, hard hand covered her arm. She flinched violently, looking her eyes darting up to see Alice trying to hide the hurt in her eyes. Bella felt a brief flash of pleasure. If she was hurting this much, everyone else should be, too.

"I'm going downstairs," Alice said gently, but her eyes held an intensity Bella didn't understand.

"No." The only thing worse than Alice and Edward invading her misery was having Edward alone and asking questions. She couldn't bear to be with him.

"Bella." Alice gave her another significant look.

Bella started to feel frustrated. _She_ wasn't a mind reader; she didn't understand Alice. Like Alice didn't—couldn't—understand her. Alice was an innocent. She had never held a person's mortality in her hands, ripped it apart, and watched it burn. She couldn't possibly know what that costs your soul.

Involuntarily, Bella's eyes flicked to Edward. He was still lurking near the door, his jaw clenched and his arms crossed over his chest. He glared at Alice, obviously irritated that she wouldn't give up Bella's secrets in her mind. She wondered how long Alice could keep him out. She had liked to imagine that he was just beginning to admire her, but sooner or later Alice would slip, and he would find out what had happened earlier that day in the restaurant, and he would see her for what she truly was. He would see that she wasn't brave. That she wasn't infallible. That she was, in fact, a weak, pathetic little human. No, worse than human; she was a monster.

_Monster._

"_I don't _want_ to be a monster."_

She could remember his voice during that fateful journey from Port Angeles, when he had finally admitted what he was. The guilt, sadness, and hope laced in those words. Back then, she hadn't been able to appreciate how difficult it must have been to say. Was it possible that, after all these years apart, they would finally be able to understand one another?

She turned back to Alice, raising her eyebrows slightly. Alice stood up swiftly, a tiny smile gracing her face. She gave Bella an almost imperceptible nod before leaving the room without another word. Even without her power, Alice knew the importance of the upcoming conversation, and that it could not happen if she was present.

The air was thick was tension as Bella felt Edward's eyes on her. Her fingers started to tingle, and she scraped the bottom of the ice cream carton to distract herself. For a moment she thought about staying silent, but it passed quickly. She finally had someone she might be able to talk to about this, and she knew that if she didn't take advantage of it, she might lose her mind.

"How many …" Bella stopped, knowing that wasn't how she wanted to start this conversation.

Edward fluidly sat in the chair opposite her. She sat up, so that they could be on the same level, but refused to take her eyes from the spoon she was playing with in her hands.

"There was a man at work today," she began, her voice dull. "A customer. He was drunk. God knows why he was in such a state, so early in the morning, but he was. You get them sometimes, and you just serve them politely, hoping they'll leave before they pass out or … or piss on the floor or something. He started to get aggressive. You know—talking too loudly, saying rude things, making everyone very uncomfortable. I should have asked him to leave or … or called the police, but I was thinking of that stupid wall…"

"I'm sorry?" Edward interrupted, causing Bella to glance up at him. His face was hard, but his voice was intentionally soft. She wondered what he was thinking.

"Oh," she muttered. "I kicked a hole in my wall. Thought I was in Forks and tried to get out of bed. Put my knee through the plasterboard."

"Are you okay?" He looked unnecessarily alarmed, and Bella couldn't help but let out a short chuckle.

"Would it hurt _you_ if _you_ kicked a hole in a wall?" she asked rhetorically, before continuing. Now that she had started, she wanted to get it over with, and they were wasting time talking about her fucking bedroom wall.

"Anyway he … he … oh, I don't know." Bella sighed, tugging a hand through her hair. "I guess he latched onto me, someone to let his anger out on. He said some really awful things, and I walked away—I was finally going to call the police—and then he grabbed me, and I panicked, and I pushed him, and … and …"

Bella closed her eyes and saw it happen all over again. She felt his soft fragility as her hands pressed against his chest, the slack look of drunken shock on his face as he almost flew away from her, the collective gasp in the restaurant, the sick crunch as he crashed against the bar, the way his body sunk to the floor like a ragdoll, the way the blood pooled on the floor.

"Oh, God."

She pressed the balls of her hands against her eyes, trying to force the images away. Trying to force away the shame and fear, knowing that she had just stood there as the restaurant had burst into a frenzy of commotion. She had just watched as the man's blood soaked into the soles of her shoes.

"There was just so much blood," she moaned, almost forgetting Edward was there.

"Bella …" She dropped her hands quickly, watching faint spots of color play around his hard face and soft eyes. "It wasn't your fault. It was an accident."

Bella sighed heavily, shifting the spoon so that its end rested on the tip of her finger. It stayed there, upright and unmoving until she flicked it, sending it flying into a small jar by the sink.

She shook her head. "I don't lose control, Edward. I _can't_ lose control. It's the only thing that's kept me alive this long. I didn't decide to hurt him—I can barely remember thinking at all—but I knew everything I needed to know. I knew how strong he was, I knew the bar was right behind him, and I knew _exactly_ how much power I was using. Part of me wanted to hurt him. Part of me … part of me wanted to kill him."

"Is he …?"

"I don't know. He was alive when they took him away."

Neither of them said anything for a long time. Bella searched his face for anger or disgust, but could not find them. He looked very deeply sad, and even though she knew it would make her hurt more, she just wanted him to hold her. She wondered whether it would be worth it, just to feel his arms around her once more. Just once.

"He was trying to hurt you," he said, topaz eyes burning into brown.

"That doesn't excuse anything," she replied wearily. "He didn't deserve to … he didn't deserve _that_ just because I was angry. I had so much power over him and I … I abused it. I thought, just because I'm strong that … that I can use that strength whenever … against normal … I don't have the right to make that kind of decision."

Bella felt hysteria in her chest, and took deep breaths to stop the tears in her throat. She wished she had the spoon back, just so she had something to distract herself with.

As though he could actually read her mind, Edward stood up and turned the kettle on. The kitchen was so small that she could reach out and touch him. She wondered whether she could ever be near him and not want to touch him. That he was so close, but so far, made it almost impossible to concentrate on not crying.

She curled her hands around the edge of the table, focusing on the feel of the rough plastic against her skin, as the sound of the kettle gradually increased. She could feel his presence behind her, but she refused to turn around and look at him, and the thing stuck in her throat prevented her from talking. She had barely started explaining what was troubling her; she would have felt safe admitting even this much to Diane. She needed to find some strength to continue, because Edward was the only person that could understand what she was going through, and he would be leaving soon to be with his family again, and she knew that if she didn't admit what she was feeling to someone, soon, she might turn into something a lot worse than she already was.

She nodded her thanks when he placed the tea in front of her, wrapping her hands around the comforting warmth. She took a sip and felt some of the panic melt away. This stuff was fucking magic.

"How many people have you killed, Edward?"

She watched the changing emotions on his face. Shock, hurt, anger, and finally, shame.

"It's not the same," he evaded, not quite meeting her eyes.

"Isn't it?" she continued before he could respond. "It's the same arrogance: thinking you know who has the right to live and die. Destroying people because they don't quite live up to your idea of right." She sunk down further in her chair. "I've killed thirty-four vampires," she whispered.

The weight of the pause that followed threatened to crush her. She tightened her grip on her mug, hoping it would prevent the black spots from taking over her vision.

"One hundred and nine."

He spoke so quietly, she barely heard it.

"But it's not the same."

Bella narrowed her eyes. "Why not?"

"Because you kill vampires. I killed humans."

"Bullshit!" Bella shouted, startling them both. "What the hell difference does that make?"

He was giving her that patronizing stare that pissed her off so much. She welcomed it; being angry was much better than what she had been feeling before.

"You know what vampires do, Bella."

"And I know what humans do. I think it's a terrible double standard for you to say it was wrong of you to kill evil humans, but it's okay for me to kill vampires." Bella rubbed her hands over her face as the anger disappeared and the weariness returned. She felt as though she could sleep for a week. "At least … at least you _knew_."

"I knew what?"

She looked up to see him putting his hand back on the table, as though he had changed his mind about reaching out to touch her.

"You _knew_," she repeated. "You could read their minds. You knew exactly what they were thinking, what they were about to do."

"You don't need to read a vampire's mind to know his intentions," Edward said heavily. "All we want is to kill."

Bella smiled grimly. "Well, we both know that's not true."

He sat back, running a hand through his bronze hair, making it look even wilder.

"There are so few of us like that, it's not even worth thinking about."

"But it's all I _can_ think about," she protested. "Look at Emmett. He's one of the sweetest, funniest, sincerest people I've ever met. But if I had seen him when he found his singer, if I hadn't know how good he was—and how could I?—then I wouldn't have hesitated in destroying him. Or Jasper, who has killed more people than I could imagine, all because of something terrible that happened to him, something he never asked for, and now he's struggling every day because of this addiction, all because he wants to be good. He wants to be good for the woman he loves more than anything. Does he deserve to be killed by me, by someone like me? People who think they know what evil is, people who think they're doing good? What if … what if that vampire in the club had been another Jasper—what if he just hadn't found his purpose yet? Was it right to destroy him if, one day, for all I knew, he could be great?"

Edward lifted his hand once more, and Bella watched, entranced, as he leaned over and brushed away a tear she didn't know she had shed.

"Please, don't cry," he pleaded, his hand lingering by her face. "You've done so much good here, Bella. I know how difficult it is, I know the doubts you have, but … you have saved so many lives. So many more than you could contemplate.

He pulled away, and Bella resisted the urge to stop him and keep him against her. That wouldn't be fair to either of them.

"And you," she muttered, not quite meeting his eyes, watching his forehead tense again. "What would I have done if I had met you, back then?"

She watched as his lips fell open, and he exhaled heavily.

"I wouldn't have known," she continued, feeling as though she had to defend her hypothetical actions. "I would have thought you were like all the others, and I wouldn't have known that instead of saving, I would be condemning innocent lives. I wouldn't have seen that we were doing exactly the same thing—that we were allies. How could I have possibly known?"

"Bella …"

"And so I have to wonder," she spoke over him, terrified of what she was about to say. "If I know all of this, and I have so many doubts, why do I keep doing it? How can I know with absolutely certainty that if I went out now, and saw a vampire hunting, I would destroy it without a moment's hesitation?"

"It's because you know, despite it all, that that would be the only right thing to do," Edward insisted, his eyes hard.

"Is it?" she asked desperately. "Is that what it is? Or is it an excuse? Because I can't help but wonder, after today, whether I do it just because … just because I like it. If deep down all I am is a … a killer. If I'm just as bad as … as the people we think are too evil to live. Maybe I just enjoy killing."

A sob ripped through her chest, and when she covered her eyes with her hands, she could feel the stinging wetness of her tears. She tried to calm herself down, but the sobs wracked her body with so much strength, she curled in on herself. She wanted Edward to go away, because all she wanted to do now was curl up in a ball, press her forehead onto the floor, and cry until she passed out.

She felt his hands circle her wrists, but she refused to move. She didn't want him to see her. She wanted to go to a place where no one would ever see her again.

"Bella, please," he begged, his voice tortured. "Please look at me."

She resisted for a moment, but his cold hands and pained voice ripped away her last defense. She gasped, and shook, and let him pull her hands away, and wished she could stop crying.

He reached up once more, cradling her face between his hands, his thumbs brushing away tears before letting them rest on her cheeks, the water flowing down his skin. The fingers on the back of her neck forced her to meet his gaze. He was kneeling in front of her, like he had the night before.

"Breathe, Bella."

She let out a shuddering breath. He looked so concerned, sad, and heartbroken, and Bella wondered if he knew how beautiful she thought he was. She must have told him, all that time ago.

"You can't think that about yourself." His voice was soft but firm. She felt one of his fingers stroke the soft hair at the nape of her neck and shivered. "I have been in the minds of murderers—of people who kill only for the enjoyment of killing. They don't worry about right and wrong, good or evil. Bella, you are absolutely nothing like them."

"How could you know?" she gasped. "You can't …"

"I don't need to see into your mind to know you."

Something powerful and entirely incomprehensible shot through Bella's body. Distantly, she could feel her hands trembling against her thighs, but she couldn't tear herself away from his gaze. The longer she stared into his sincere, amber eyes, the more she felt something red and raw in her falling away. Could she possibly let herself hope for redemption?

Eventually, unable to bear it any longer, she whispered, "I've changed."

She didn't see him move, but suddenly he was closer. She could feel his breath on her lips. She closed her eyes.

"Not in the ways that matter," he murmured, his hands sliding down her neck, resting on her shoulders. "You're still kind and wonderful and good. You're still the bravest person I've ever met. Do you have any idea how much courage it takes to admit the things you just told me? How much easier it would be to not even think about it?"

Bella felt more tears spill from her eyelids. She wanted to believe him and his beautiful words so badly.

"_What did you do_?"

Bella opened her eyes to find Edward on the other side on the room, face turned down, staring at his shoes. Diane was stroking Bella's hair, occasionally throwing scathing looks at the beautiful vampire, silent and still in the corner.

"Bella, honey," Diane said quietly and soothingly, turning her back on Edward, as though it would prevent him from listening. "What happened?"

"No, Di, it wasn't …"

"It's okay, sweetie." She turned and glared at Edward, snarling, "Would you give us some privacy?"

"No, goddammit, Diane," Bella snapped, standing up and blocking the exit. "Stop being so rude. I've had … I've had a really terrible day, and Edward was helping me feel better."

_Understatement of the century_, Bella thought. She was only just starting to regain the feeling in her fingers.

"Hmmm," Diane murmured, casting Edward a wary and extremely unapologetic glance. "Do you want to talk about it, hon?"

"No," she said quickly. "I mean, not right now. Maybe later. Are Alice and Jasper …?"

"Gone out," Diane interrupted. "Alice said she had to buy you new shoes, but Jasper looked really strange, like he had a migraine. Looked kind of eager to get out of here. Can vampires get migraines?"

Bella shrugged. She looked at Edward, but he seemed completely invested in staring at his shoes. He looked as though he had a migraine, as well.

"Why do you need shoes?" Diane asked curiously. "What happened to your old ones?"

"I…" Bella swallowed against the nausea rising up her throat. "Later, okay? I'm going to have a shower and then … lie down before duty tonight."

"Bella."

She turned toward Edward's voice. His eyes were a shade darker than they had been earlier. His mouth looked hard.

"We don't have to go tonight if you …"

"No," she interrupted. "I want to. With Kahled and Victoria out there … it's the only right thing to do."

She smiled at him, turning away before she could see the way his eyes lightened when he returned her smile.

**A/N: I know it's a bit angsty, but it's completely necessary. I'm really excited about the next chapter. I think it's one a lot of you have been waiting for.**


	13. Cards on the Table

**Disclaimer: Obviously not mine.**

**A/N: Are you ready for some drama? Take a deep breath …**

"No, really, Bella," Alice said in the most unconvincing tone Bella had ever heard. "If you want some company …"

Bella tried to keep a straight face and failed dismally. She just couldn't stop smiling.

"I've got Diane and Edward. I don't need your company. You deserve time off; you never get to be alone."

"We really don't mind," she said reluctantly, her voice entirely contradicting her words.

"Just get out of here already," Bella urged, looking away from Jasper's ridiculously smug grin in case she started giggling. "Go and have fun, you crazy kids."

"You heard the pretty lady," Jasper sang, turning the engine with a deafening roar. "Let's go have us some fun."

Bella shook her head as the car whipped round the corner and disappeared from sight. She couldn't help but wonder if they'd even turn up for patrol tonight. They had been whispering and giggling together the entire trip back to the apartment, making Bella feel both uncomfortable and maudlin.

Their need for each other was almost palpable—it made Bella's skin itch.

Bella was amazed all over again by the strength of their connection. They had discussed vampire mating briefly at the academy, but Bella never felt as though her teachers had entirely understood. They had described how mated vampires would protect each other, desire each other, and avenge the other's death. There had been no talk of eternal love, and Bella couldn't help but wonder why. Was it because Alice and Jasper—and Carlisle and Esme, Emmett and Rosalie, for that matter—were special? That their love for one another was deeper and truer than other vampire matings? Was it because their teachers hadn't wanted to admit to their students that these vicious creatures they were meant to kill were actually capable of such powerful love that you could sense it around them, that they were so deeply connected that one did not seem entirely whole without the other? Or was it something much more obvious, much more mundane? That most people would never be able to understand such a profound spiritual connection between two people, so they just hadn't seen it, even when it was right before their eyes?

The door to her apartment opened before she began to look for her keys. Edward stood in the doorway, looking beautiful in faded jeans, a clinging black t-shirt, and a smudge of flour above his eyebrow.

Bella grinned.

"Hi. Hello. How are you? You have something right there."

Edward studied her face closely before allowing his to relax into a tiny smile. He stepped back as he rubbed his forehead, dusting the flour from his skin.

"I'm fine, thank you," he said, his voice rich and soft. "I've been baking."

Bella stepped into the tiny apartment and kicked off her shoes. She let out a contented hum as she breathed in the unmistakable and undeniably seductive smell of cookies baking.

"Not that I'm complaining," she said with a silly smile. "But you really don't have to do this, Edward."

His returning smile looked a little silly, too.

"I enjoy it. It gives me something useful to do until you get home, and you seem to like it."

Bella hummed again, because she really, really did.

However, she definitely did not like the way his face suddenly closed off, his jaw clenching and lips tightening, the funny little smile sliding off his face.

"Did Claude give you those?"

Bewildered and off balance from Edward's sudden shift in mood, Bella followed his gaze to the beautiful bouquet of flowers she held in her hands. She had almost forgotten she had them.

"Claude?" she repeated, confused.

She rejoiced at the way his mouth softened.

"At the restaurant," he clarified, retrieving a jug from a cupboard and filling it with water. He looked so perfectly at home, it made Bella blush. "He has wanted to ask you on a date for a long time."

"Really?" Bella thought of the young, pretty French student that worked with her at Chalmun. He was so desperately shy she wasn't surprised he would keep a crush so secret. He blushed every time she looked him in the eye, causing her to resist the urge to ruffle his hair like he was a cute puppy.

"Bless," Bella said indulgently. "But no, I bought these. Or rather, I tried to buy them until Jasper distracted me long enough for Alice to buy them herself. They were supposed to be for Philip Burke. The man I … the man I hurt yesterday."

"Oh." Edward's voice was low and sympathetic. "Is he …"

"I don't know his exact condition," she interrupted heavily. "But he's well enough to tell his doctor and nurses that I wasn't to be told anything, and if I went near him, he'd jump out the window." She smiled grimly, remembering the patiently amused gaze of the hospital staff, as though they were humoring the bizarre request of a crazy man. They couldn't imagine that he was completely right to fear the small, young woman before them.

"I guess if he was planning such acrobatics, he can't be doing too badly," she said, attempting levity.

She walked toward Edward and took the jug of water from his hands. She began to arrange the flowers, making sure that they were evenly distributed. She coughed lightly to get rid of the lump in her throat. She wished Edward would stop staring at her.

"I'm glad he's all right," he said softly.

"Yep," she said, in a voice that was too bright and high-pitched. "All's well that ends well."

His hand curled around her wrist, halting her hands that were uselessly fluttering around the flowers. The lump in her throat burned.

"Bella, you can—"

"Oooh, pretty flowers! Are they for me?"

Bella freed her hand from Edward's grasp and turned to Diane, blinking heavily. She plastered a smile on her face that gradually turned into something more genuine. There was something different about her, something Bella hadn't seen for months. Diane was glowing.

"They're all yours, gorgeous." Bella grinned, stepping away from Edward and pushing her feelings down somewhere dark. Diane _did_ look gorgeous, with her usually straight hair wild around her face, wearing soft tracksuit bottoms, her dark skin shining. She didn't need anyone ruining her mood, not when she finally looked so happy.

Diane plucked a bright red flower from the bunch, cut off the stem with her nails, and tucked it behind Bella's ear.

"A beautiful flower for my beautiful Bella," she sang, kissing Bella delicately on the cheek.

Bella laughed.

"Who are you and what you done with my surly roommate?" she joked.

"I've just been thinking."

Bella put the back of her hand to Diane's forehead and said, with false concern, "Oh no, are you all right?"

Diane took her hand, kissed it, and placed it over her heart. "I'm just hopeful. I guess I forgot what it felt like." Her eyes were intense, but bright. Bella could feel her heart thrumming beneath her hand.

"I've been an idiot," Diane admitted softly. "But I don't need to tell you that—you knew ages ago, didn't you?"

Bella smiled gently.

"These flowers may come in handy," Diane announced, releasing Bella and rubbing a finger against the soft petals. "They seem suitable for groveling purposes."

Diane plucked another flower from the jug and twirled it between her fingers.

"I think I'll go and practice what I'm going to say in the shower," Diane said peacefully as she gazed, transfixed, at the blur of yellow. "I was thinking of starting with, 'Baby, I'm yours.' What do you think?"

Bella smiled. "I think it's very you."

"Then it's perfect. Ha!"

Diane danced to her bedroom, stumbling into the whiteboard and slamming the door behind her with loud enthusiasm.

Bella chuckled at the bemused look on Edward's face.

"Yeah, that's Diane when she's happy," she explained. "Scary, isn't it?"

"I'm not entirely sure what's happening," he admitted. "She was very quiet all day today."

"I think she's just decided, finally, to do the right thing. I'm not surprised she's so happy—she's been torn up over it for months."

Edward shot her a questioning look.

"Diane, hmmm, well Diane's been having relationship problems. Or rather, she's created her own relationship problems," Bella explained delicately, flicking on the kettle. "There's a woman she likes very much, but she's been hesitant. Looks like she's decided to go for it, after all." In truth, Bella knew Diane loved Jo more than anything, but Diane had never let the 'L' word slip, and Bella wasn't going to say it for her. "You should see them together, though. I have no idea how she held off for so long.

"Anyway," Bella said brightly. "What do you want to do until Alice and Japer come back? We've got Monopoly."

"_Don't_ play Monopoly with her," Diane warned, emerging from her bedroom in a towel. "She's a big fat cheater."

Bella stuck her tongue out at Diane, who looked unimpressed.

"We've got Scrabble, as well," Bella offered.

"She cheats at that, too," Diane said cheerily. "But at least it's entertaining. She makes you lose your concentration by putting down inventively filthy—"

"Cards!" Bella interrupted loudly, her face quickly staining a magnificent red. "We could play … I don't cheat at cards."

"Yes, she does," Diane laughed. "But she always forgets the rules, so her cheating actually benefits you."

Bella reached out to slap her roommate over the head, but Diane dodged out of the way, skipping into the bathroom and humming delightedly to herself.

"Right, so cards. Yes, cards," Bella mumbled to herself, digging into one of the kitchen drawers for the battered pack. She pulled them out of the packaging and started to shuffle them so quickly, they barely looked as though they were moving.

Edward stood by the table, looking extremely amused.

"Are you sure you don't want to play Scrabble?" he asked cheekily.

The cards spilled over the table as her face turned an even deeper red.

"I don't … it's not … what do you want to play?"

She shot him a glare that warned him to drop it, which he miraculously managed to do.

"We could start with a bit of poker," Edward suggested, lowering himself in the seat opposite her. "It would be interesting to play against someone whose mind I couldn't read."

"Ah yes, poker," Bella said, rather uncertainly. "There are different types, though, aren't there? Er, Hold Them Up and, um, Five Claw Stud. Which one do you want to play?"

Edward looked at her the way she remembered Renee looking at the baby giraffe at the zoo as it repeatedly tripped over its own spindly legs.

"Or we could play Go Fish," he suggested quietly, barely repressing a snigger.

"Shut up, Edward. We're playing poker. Here, you, uh, you deal, and I'll get the chips."

Edward ran his fingers over his mouth to hide his grin.

Bella allowed herself a secret smile while she rooted around the drawers, wiping it off before she turned around.

"Here," she said, throwing the matches to the table in mock petulance.

Edward held up a matchbox, swiping a long finger across the name embossed on the front.

"You had these before," he observed. "Why Irene's Bar?"

"I've got hundreds of them; she practically forced them on us. Irene is a potential—she went through the training about thirty years ago but never wanted it for life. She threw a little reunion a couple years ago, at a bar she owns in Toronto. Everyone who could make it turned up—slayers and trained potentials. It was ace. We all went completely nuts."

Edward frowned, but it didn't look particularly disapproving. "I wouldn't have thought alcohol could affect you," he mused.

"Oh, it doesn't. Though Dwaipayan downed five liters of scotch in five minutes and said his toes started to feel weird." Bella wasn't sure she entirely believed him because he had been wearing his smug grin, which always meant he wanted to bask in everyone's attention. "We didn't stay in the bar long, though. Coco broke us into the CN Tower, and we climbed on the roof to watch the sunset."

Bella watched as Edward started snapping the matches in half, his movements so fast she had to concentrate to follow his hands. She felt another pang of jealousy that she quickly suppressed.

"That sounds nice," Edward muttered.

"I'm not sure 'nice' is the right word," Bella replied, his hands turning to shapeless blurs as she lost her concentration. "It was really fun, though."

Edward looked a little sad as he finished snapping the matches, and Bella grew determined to make him smile again.

"A whole match is worth ten," he explained, sliding a handful of "chips" across the table. "The half with the colored end is worth five, the half without is worth one."

"Right, but we're not playing for _real_, are we? You know how much I hate taking your money."

There, a ghost of a smirk.

"Hypothetical currency only," he reassured her, as he quickly dealt them both five cards.

"Do you want me to …?"

"I know how to play poker, Edward," Bella snapped with exaggerated impatience. She picked up her cards, making a big show of keeping them hidden, holding them close to her chest and squinting down.

She broke into a giant smile.

"You are going _down_, Cullen."

He raised an unimpressed eyebrow, but his eyes were glinting. "You don't have a very good poker face, do you?"

"Oh yeah?" she challenged. "How do you know I'm not just buffing?"

Bella watched with almost clinical interest as Edward pressed his lips together, staring at the cards in his hand with inappropriate concentration.

"Something wrong, Edward?" she asked innocently.

He caught her eyes for only a moment, but it was enough for her to see the loud laugh he was containing behind that adorable pout.

He shook his head.

"I'm just saying," Bella continued, thoroughly enjoying herself. "I've got some really good cards … or I don't. Who knows? You're staring awful hard at your hand, Edward—they're not going to change just because you glare at them."

Edward closed his eyes, as though praying for strength.

"How many do you want?" he asked finally, his voice slightly strained.

"How…what?" Bella asked, genuinely confused now.

"How many cards do you want? You can exchange cards you don't want for ones from the deck."

"Why would I want to do that?" Bella cried in mock distress. "These cards that I have now may—or may not—be completely awesome. There's no way I'm changing them for worse—or better—cards."

He made a rather strangled noise. "You don't … you don't have to change any, if you don't want to."

"Ah well, that's all right then, isn't it? How many are you … three? Oh dear, that's not very good is it?"

Bella allowed herself a triumphant smile when Edward ran a hand over his face. She wasn't quite sure how they had stumbled onto this bizarre game, but she was glad Edward was playing along. It was surprisingly fun to torture him with silliness.

"It's your turn to bet first," he told her, looking wary.

"All in."

Bella slid all of her matches into the center of the table, smiling at Edward with innocent smugness.

He looked as though he was in pain.

"You … you can't go all in for the first game."

"Says who?"

"The rules."

Bella scoffed. "You and your rules. For a vampire, you're really not very exciting. There, I'll bet twenty. Is that allowed in your precious rules?"

Edward sighed heavily, seemingly irritated but giving himself away by the smile hiding behind his eyes.

"I'll meet your twenty," he said heavily. "And I'll raise you ten." He raised an imperious eyebrow at Bella's shock. "I'm calling your _buff_."

This time it was Bella's turn to barely contain a snort.

"Raise ten."

"Raise five."

"Raise ten."

"Check."

"Spoil sport," Bella mumbled before flashing him a giant grin. "Read 'em and weep."

Edward stared at her hand, leaning over after a moment as though he didn't have perfect vision.

"I know, right?" Bella gloated. "How lucky is that?"

He looked up at her, a look of such cute bafflement on his face that she wanted to ruffle his hair.

"You got that excited over a pair of tens?" he asked, frowning so heavily his eyebrows almost met in the middle.

"No, it's a pair of tens and a straight," she explained as though to a child who was being deliberately stupid.

"You can't …" He was flustered again. "You … you have to use all five cards to make a straight. All you have is a pair of tens, a five, a six and a seven. They're not even of the same suit."

"Bullshit, that's a straight."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is."

"No, it's not."

"Really, Edward?" Bella asked, rolling her eyes. "Are we really going to do this?"

Edward sighed dramatically, pulling out his phone and pressing buttons quickly. She wondered whether he was calling Alice and Jasper to come and pick him up because she was being too obnoxious. She couldn't make herself feel bad about it, though—he was just too fucking cute when he was irritated.

He slid the phone across the table, and Bella stared blankly at the website of poker rules he had pulled up on his phone.

She slowly brought her eyes to his face, which looked entirely too smug.

"Oh, whatever," she huffed, throwing herself back into her chair. "God, Edward, you're such a cheater," she irrationally threw in.

"_I'm_ a cheater?" he asked indignantly. "I saw the way you shuffled those cards so you'd get that hand. That terrible, losing hand."

"Losing?"

Edward laid his cards out on the table, smirking at her in an unnecessarily gloating manner.

Three fives.

"Balls."

For some reason, it was this that broke him; that curse word that she muttered, dead pan, as she realized that he had won.

She wasn't sure how it happened. She sat there for a long moment, smiling, thinking that she had never seen him laugh so much before, being proud because _she_ was the one that had made it happen, amazed at how young he looked as he threw his head back and just laughed and laughed as though that was the funniest thing he had ever heard, thinking …

Then her lips were pressing against his.

She wasn't sure how it happened, how she had gone from sitting there and watching him to leaning over and taking his bottom lip between hers, but _God_, nothing in the world could stop her now.

He stopped laughing. He was still as a statue, but she didn't care. She brought her hand up to cup his jaw, to press herself into him, to hold him to her, and she ran her tongue across his full lip, drunk on the feel and the taste of him. Her Edward.

He moaned into her mouth, and she took it gratefully. He was kissing her back, and she was no longer leaning across the table but was beside him, weaving her hands through his crazy hair, and not thinking but just trying to feel—

Because, God, it had never felt like this before. Nothing had ever felt like this. He was kissing her, tugging at her lips, but she was kissing him as well, and she was coaxing his mouth open. She could feel his cold breath entering her, and she was drinking him in. Because finally—_finally _—she could take from him. She could feel his mouth yielding to hers, and he wasn't too hard or too strong because _she_ was hard and strong, too.

She gasped into his mouth when he moved, standing and holding her flush against him. One hand was in her hair and the other around her waist, pulling her to him, and she could feel the hard planes of him molding against her body.

She wanted to consume him, and she drew his tongue into her mouth because she needed part of him inside of her. She wanted to drink him in like water, she wanted to be drenched in him, she wanted to drown in him.

She tore her mouth from his because she needed to breathe—her whole body aching and gasping for air. He didn't stop—his lips trailing kisses along her jaw and down her neck. He ran his tongue across the pounding pulse in her throat and she groaned loudly, unable to be embarrassed by the noises she was making. It felt so good—too good—and she needed to slow her heart down before it burst out of her chest.

His hands were moving now, and it was almost impossible to find control when his fingers found the gap between her pants and shirt. A shiver ripped through her when his icy hand met the skin of her hip.

"Sorry," he muttered against her neck, rubbing her skin with his thumb.

The breath caught in her throat. She froze. Everything froze. Suddenly, she couldn't stand it. She couldn't stand his hands on her. She couldn't stand his mouth ghosting along her skin. She felt nauseous. She wanted to push him away, but she couldn't move.

This was wrong. This was so fucking wrong.

"Wh-what?"

"I said, 'I'm sorry,'" he murmured against her lips, before capturing them once again with his own.

He froze against her after a moment.

"Bella?"

She couldn't breathe.

"I … I'm …"

Her head felt strange, her body tingling, panic stirring in her chest. Fuck—what was happening?

Cold hands met her face, and suddenly she was looking into his eyes. He looked strange: too blurry but too sharp at the same time.

"Are you …"

She staggered back, away from him, hitting the cabinets and hearing a strange crunching sound and not caring. She ran a shaky hand over her face. She couldn't look at him.

"I'm … I'm so sorry," she managed to say.

He opened his mouth to speak, looking angry, but she cut him off.

"Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I don't know … I didn't mean … you were laughing and …"

She covered her eyes, disgusted with herself. Was that her excuse? She attacked him because he was_ laughing_?

She needed to leave. Maybe all of this would go away if _she_ went away. She strode quickly across the living room reaching for her bedroom door. Her hand felt strange as it touched the cold door handle, as though it wasn't part of her. Her whole body felt disassociated, estranged.

His strong grasp prevented her from turning the handle.

"Please," she begged, "let me …"

"No." His voice was strong, but she could hear something vulnerable lurking behind his words. "I need to explain."

She let out a rather hysterical laugh.

"Explain? You don't have to explain anything. I'm … this is all my fault."

"No." His grip tightened over hers, and she could feel the metal complaining. "None of this is your fault. The fault is all mine. I should be the one apologizing."

Bella shook her head. "You don't have anything …"

"Yes, I do. Bella, I'm … I am so sorry."

"What for?"

Bella felt his shaky breath against her hair.

"I'm sorry for lying to you."

"Which time?" Bella was surprised at how harshly those words escaped her.

"I've only ever lied to you once, Bella." His voice was deceptively calm. There was a moment of tense peace, like the moment before a storm, like a breath before falling.

"I lied when I told you I didn't love you."

And they were falling.

"_Let go of me_."

Bella hardly recognized the snarl that escaped her. His hand left hers, and she stared at the door for a long second, her mind painfully blank.

She turned slowly. He was standing across the room, staring at her with such intensity that she wanted to look away, but she couldn't. What the hell had he just said?

"What?" she asked breathlessly.

"When I left," he explained gently, his eyes imploring. "I told you that I didn't love you anymore. I lied to you. I've never stopped loving you, Bella."

She couldn't speak for a moment, and when she found words—strange words that felt like dust in her mouth—she stuttered and stumbled. "You…no…that's…"

He took a step forward, but the look on her face stopped him almost immediately.

"I love you."

It sounded so simple, those easy words that tumbled effortlessly from his mouth. As though they had been trapped and now were running free.

"No, you don't. You can't. You never did. No."

His face twisted into an expression of anguish.

"How could you believe that?" he asked, wounded. "All the times I told you, all the times I showed you. How could you believe the lie and not the truth?"

"Because if you loved me, you could _never_ have left me like that."

"I was trying to save you," he said softly.

She breathed a bitter laugh. "You destroyed me. Completely." She shivered. "I want you to leave."

"No." His voice was almost painfully loud, but she refused to be intimidated by him. "I'm not leaving. Not again. I'm never leaving again. You need to let me explain."

"Explain what?" she asked, just as loudly. Warring instincts made her body shake uncontrollably. Did she want to strike? Hurt? Cower? Love? "You couldn't possibly explain this away. How could you stand there and say that you left me _out of love_? This is the cruelest thing you've ever done, Edward, and that's saying something."

He looked defeated for a long moment before raising his head and meeting her wide eyes with a burning gaze. "I left you because I couldn't bear to see you hurt because of me. After your birthday …"

"You do _not_ get to blame Jasper for this," she snarled. "He was just…"

"He was just acting the way we always do," he said bitterly. "Blood, blood, and more blood. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep you safe from us. From me."

"It didn't matter. You should have fought for me."

His hands curled into fists. "I should have … Bella, all I did was fight for you. Every second I was near you I was fighting. You have no idea the amount of control it took – it _takes_ – to be near you and not …" He seemed unwilling to say the words, _kill you_. "My pain didn't matter, but I refused to let you die because I was too selfish to let you go."

"_Let me go_?" she repeated furiously. "I'm not a _pet_, Edward. I wasn't in a cage. _You left me_."

"I was only doing what was best for you," he insisted. "I wanted you to have a normal life. I never wanted this for you."

She only realized she had moved when she was halfway toward him. She stopped, breathing heavily, refusing to give in to her anger.

"What about what I wanted?" she asked quietly, trying to maintain control. "You never gave me a choice."

The way his eyes became soft and patronizing made her see red. She literally saw red before her eyes, and she knew that she had never been so angry before in her entire life. Even as she attempted to suppress it, she embraced it because anger was easy.

"You didn't know …"

"No!" she snapped. "Don't you dare patronize me! You think I didn't know how much danger I was in for being with you? You think Jasper attacking me on my birthday was my idea of fun? That I _enjoyed_ knowing how much it physically hurt you to be near me, especially when we were close? How much I wanted you but knew I couldn't have you? Not properly. Not in the way I needed."

"Exactly, I—"

"But it didn't matter. Because all of that stuff, the life and death and eternity, it was background noise. You were all I wanted. You know I would have done anything to be with you."

His eyes were so black and so deep and so sad. "Yes, I know what you wanted to do. You wanted me to take your life away. And, yes, I didn't give you a choice when I left, but that's only because you were going to choose _wrong_—"

"How _dare_—"

"How can you be angry, now?" he asked beseechingly. "What you've seen since I left, the monsters you've faced … how can you blame me for refusing to make you like them?"

"Stop defending yourself!" she cried, throwing her hands in the air in a fit of rage. "You left me because you wanted to protect me? How dare you say that? Look at me, look at what I am now. Are you really going to argue that you left me for my own good? Do you have any … any idea how terrified I was?"

Her voice wavered. She closed her eyes briefly, but she knew she would continue, because this had been brewing in her since she saw him in the park. No, it was before that. It was all those years ago, when she had started to change and had been so angry, and she had wanted Edward there, not to comfort and protect her, but so that she could yell and scream and blame him for the fear that overwhelmed her.

"I was devastated when you left. I can barely remember anything from those months after because I just became nothing. But then I found Jake, and we were friends, and he gave me a reason to pretend that I was coping with it. And then … this." She threw her arms out. "He tried to help me, but what could he do? He'd just found out he was a shape-shifter and was almost as terrified as me. You may have thought that finding out that you were a vampire frightened me, or that being attacked by James and Jasper was so terrible that you couldn't justify being in my life anymore, but those things were nothing, _nothing_, compared to what I went through. I was scared every second of every day for two weeks, with nothing and nobody to help me, and then I went away, and I thought it would be better, that I could finally stop being scared, but it wasn't and I couldn't. And it was made so much worse because I knew that it would have been fine if I had you, but I didn't, and I was so alone and … and you did that. So don't tell me about how you left me _for my own good_."

He looked away, a hand reaching up to his face, just touching his right eyebrow. Bella thought that—had he been able to—he would be crying.

"I didn't trust myself to be enough for you," he admitted, so softly she barely heard it.

The anger was melting, and she wished it would come back. There was a hole in her chest, and she struggled to prevent everything that she was from being ripped away.

"You were everything," she whispered.

Before she registered him moving, he was in front of her, close enough that she could feel his breath as he held her face between his hands, forcing her to look up at him.

"No," she whispered, clasping his wrists. "Let go."

"I'm sorry," he said softly, leaning his forehead against hers. "I am so sorry, Bella. Leaving you was the worst mistake I've ever made. I knew it as soon as I left, but I wouldn't give in to my selfishness. I wanted that terrible lie to mean something, to do good. And … I was just so frightened, Bella."

She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling his skin against hers for a long moment before pulling his hands away and taking a step back.

"If you'd known it was a mistake," she said, "you should have come back."

"I did."

Time stopped and pressure built up behind in her ears, and it felt like that moment when a plane started speeding down the runway and the engines roared and you were pushed back into your seat and knew that if something went wrong, there was absolutely nothing that could save you.

"What?"

"I did come back. I couldn't take it anymore; I could barely make it through another moment without you. I gave up and went back to Forks, and I was ready to beg for forgiveness, but …"

"But?" Bella repeated, her words echoing in her ears. "But what?"

His eyes were apologetic. "But you had already left. Three weeks before."

Three weeks. Her body felt strangely light, as though it was full of air. Three weeks. He had come back and she had left. Three weeks.

"I tried to find out where you had gone," Edward continued, looking defeated. "But before I could do anything, your _friend_ Jacob Black forced me to leave. I would have stayed, I would have fought, but I saw in his mind how no one knew where you were. I didn't understand it, but he knew that you had lied to everyone when you told them where you were going and what you were doing. He was gloating because he thought that I would never find you."

_Jacob_. Jake had seen Edward. He had known that Edward was looking for her and he had never said a word. Why did they always have to lie to her?

"I tried so hard," Edward said passionately. "I looked for you for years, but I had no idea where to start. I tried colleges, hospital records … you just disappeared. I even hacked into your e-mail account, but I knew I couldn't trust anything you said, because of what Black had thought. I went anyway, to Ghunsa, where you told your mother you were staying."

Bella held a hand to her chest. She had stayed in Ghunsa for a month, almost a year after she had arrived in Nepal. By how much had they missed each other? How different would things have been if he had found her then?

"I had given up all hope of ever finding you again. I told myself that at least … at least you were safe." His voice became hard, almost rough. "At least I couldn't hurt you anymore, at least you were far away from all of this." He tugged viciously at his hair. "Then you appeared, as if from thin air, and I saw how frightened of you Victoria was, and even though I had no idea what was going on, I knew immediately that I had failed. Absolutely no good had come from me running away. Instead of saving you, I'd abandoned you. You could never know how sorry I am for abandoning you."

The following silence was thick like fog, creeping down Bella's throat and making it difficult to breathe.

"Please, say something," Edward begged.

Bella tried to talk around the heart in her throat. "Like what? What do you want me to say? That I forgive you? That I don't care that you didn't trust me to understand? Even when you tried to come back to me, it wasn't because you suddenly respected me enough to let me make my own decisions."

He looked angry for a small moment, as if he was going to argue, but he couldn't. Tears rose in Bella's eyes because even though she had always known this, it still hurt.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that." She tried to make her voice forceful, angry again, but it came out defeated. "It doesn't mean anything."

"Of course it does," he said frantically. "It means everything. I'm sorry. I didn't think you could understand, but that's only because I never tried. I never told you."

Bella shook her head, not wanting to hear anymore. If he kept talking, she might fall for it, and she couldn't … she couldn't risk that happening again.

"I've been alone for so long, Bella," he explained. He was so still, but she could sense the energy trapped inside of him, could feel his body reaching out for her. "My family … I love them, I do, so much, but they could never understand me. They were all in their little worlds, and I just didn't belong. Then you came into my life. You became everything in such a short space of time, and I didn't recognize myself anymore. I was terrified because I knew, without you, I was nothing. I didn't believe I could deserve to be so happy."

"Edward, don't …"

"I was lost and I was drowning, but I was alive for the first time in my existence. I thought it was wrong, because how dare I be so happy? But I can't live without you, Bella. I tried and I just … can't."

She looked away, brushing the tears that had fallen down her cheeks.

"So now I'm going to trust you." He took a step back, and without thinking, she followed him. She saw something flash in his eyes—like triumph—but it was short-lived. "I love you. That's all there is. I want to be with you and if …if you want …" He exhaled a shaky breath. "If you want to be with me, too, I'm going to trust that you know what that means, what I am, and love me anyway."

His dark eyes were black holes. Everything had stopped, but it was pulsing and she was being stretched and distorted. He wanted to be with her. He wanted to love her in a way he had never quite managed to before, and the idea of having him—unfettered, completely—was close to being enough.

"You may trust me," she said softly, dangerously. "But why should I trust you?"

He opened his mouth to talk, but nothing came out. She nodded faintly and looked away.

"No!" he said quickly. "You should trust me because I love …"

"You loved me before, and that didn't stop you from leaving."

"We've both changed, Bella. Everything's different now."

"Yes, everything _is_ different," Bella muttered quietly to herself. She wearily raised a hand to her forehead and closed her eyes. "You couldn't understand … you don't know what you're asking of me, Edward. You don't know what I'd …" Her words trailed away.

"You're right, I don't know, but that's because you're not explaining it to me. What don't I understand, Bella?"

She squeezed her eyes closed even tighter, spots of color exploding behind her lids. It felt as though every feeling and thought she had ever pushed down in order to keep going was rising up and pressing against the inside of her skull. She couldn't think.

He couldn't expect her to deal with this now. She was barely holding herself together, and he was just standing there, staring, expecting something from her that she just couldn't give. Couldn't he understand that he was asking for the world?

"I think you should go," she whispered almost silently, barely able to force the words out.

"Bella, please …"

"I want you to go."

His answer sounded ridiculous in its simplicity. "But I love you."

"Please, go. I can't bear it."

She kept her eyes closed, so she could not see him leave, and she barely heard his footsteps and the door closing because the sound of blood pounding in her ears almost obliterated everything else. She felt his loss because suddenly there was nothing.

Her knees were against something hard and it was hard to breathe, and she dimly thought that she must be on the floor, hands covering her face, but she wasn't sure, and she didn't care. Something was ripping in her chest. Something was tearing her apart. She was being attacked, but she didn't have the strength to fight back.

There was something warm pressing against her, and she felt a steady heartbeat pounding against her back. Her hair was wet against Bella's shoulder. Her arm was wrapped around her waist, trying to keep her together, but it was far too late for that.

"Ah, come on!" There was a voice by her ear. It sounded happy. "We've got ages yet! It's only ... why is Bella crying?"

Was she crying? Was that what that awful noise was?

"Alice," Diane said, her voice both hard and soft. "Edward just left. He shouldn't be alone."

"What's happening?"

"You need to come over, quickly. Make sure Edward is safe."

Bella wished that awful noise would stop. She wanted to make it stop so that she could breathe again.

"We're leaving now. Diane, why is Bella crying?"

"Ask your brother."

Diane enveloped her, wrapping herself around Bella's hunched form on the floor like a blanket. There would be time for questions later, but for now, Diane did what she always did when her partner was frightened.

She held her.

**A/N: I know. _I know_. But did you really think it would be that easy? Edward has a lot to prove before he gets back into Bella's good books. As he should.**


	14. Woman Warrior

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is not mine.**

Black marks on white background. That's all they were now: incomprehensible, snaking, flowing black marks that disturbed what should have been peaceful white landscape. Bella could remember the sight of a blank whiteboard. At school, at the beginning of the class, that expanse of shiny emptiness, waiting to be filled with knowledge. The innocence of a clean whiteboard.

She couldn't make out the words on the screen in front of her—she had been staring at it for too long. The whole room seemed hazy, the black marks seemed to merge into one another, and the white seemed to blaze.

She needed to get some sleep.

"Did you make breakfast?"

Bella turned slowly to see Diane in the doorway of her bedroom, dressed and ready for the day. What time was it? She hadn't even heard Diane get up.

Bella nodded.

The smell of pancakes, eggs and bacon hadn't entirely managed to hide the odor of cookies and Edward, but it wasn't suffocating her like it had been before. Smoke lingered in the air of the apartment from her first few failed attempts. When she moved toward the bathroom, it felt like walking through water.

She needed to get some sleep.

The sight of herself in the mirror wasn't surprising, but it was still disturbing. She looked as tired as she felt: her eyes bloodshot, the skin beneath them heavily bruised, her frown etching premature lines into her skin.

She had tried to sleep. She had tried to lose herself in the comfort of Diane's embrace, but it had just felt wrong. Diane's arms were too hot, they were too soft, they were too dark, and her heartbeat was unpleasant against Bella's back. She felt disappointed with herself that, after everything, she still longed for him. At what point had she allowed him to snake his way back into her world?

She got ready in a haze of movement, sitting down at the kitchen table after an indeterminable amount of time, waiting for the others to arrive. Diane moved past her in silence, with the tacit agreement that she would meet Edward and Jasper downstairs.

Bella caught her wrist before she could leave. "I thought you were taking the flowers?" she asked quietly.

There was a pause that felt long, but was probably only a few moments.

"It can wait."

"No, it can't."

Bella stood and walked to the beautiful flowers on the kitchen counter. They were undisturbed in the plastic jug Edward had placed them in, a memorial to that brief moment the day before when Bella had allowed herself to forget, and dared to pretend that everything could be as wonderfully simple as it had been all those years ago.

She took a single yellow flower from the bunch because Diane had once told her that Jo reminded her of yellow. She had not exactly understood what Diane had meant, but it was obvious now, thinking back on it. Every time Diane had looked at Jo, she looked as though she were being blinded by the sun.

Bella wordlessly held out the flower.

Diane sighed. "Bella, I'm not sure I—"

"Please," she implored. "For me."

Uncertainly, Diane took the flower. She looked sad as she leaned f orward and pressed a warm kiss against Bella's hair.

"I'll see you later," she promised, cradling the flower in her palm. "Love you."

Bella nodded, but she didn't say it back.

Diane left.

Bella tried to busy her hands with cleaning up the barely eaten breakfast, but just being in the kitchen made her body ache, so she quickly retreated back into the lounge. A few seconds of staring at the violent lines on the spoiled board forced her back farther until she stood in the doorway of her bedroom. The rest of the apartment stretched before her like a no-man's land.

Her sanctuary was tainted.

The knock on the door surprised her, and she hesitated before moving toward i t. She frowned when she saw Alice and Jasper on the other side.

"I thought you were supposed to be with Diane?" Bella asked, hating how weak her voice sounded. She was not used to feeling so fragile.

Jasper's eyes searched her face. "I didn't want to be near Edward today."

Ah. Her heart twisted. Strange how the idea of hurting Edward still felt like a betrayal.

The ride to the restaurant was silent. Bella stared out of the window, watching gray Nyy ew York flash past her as Jasper curled his hand around Alice's thigh in comfort, or perhaps restraint.

"Have a nice day," Jasper said, like he always did. He shot Bella a sympathetic smile that somehow managed to reassure her. She thought that Jasper understood, and maybe he even forgave her.

Alice did neither.

Alice hadn't said a word to Bella in hours, her face so intimidatingly closed off that even the other kitchen staff had kept clear. Bella could see how Alice's hostility had made them subconsciously aware—for the first time—that something dangerous was close. Their bodies curled in on themselves, as if to protect against attack—their shoulders hunched, their heads down. They flinched at sudden noises.

Bella was actually relieved by Alice's reticence; she didn't think she could have handled normal, bubbly, relentlessly optimistic Alice today. It almost made it easier for Bella, having Alice reject her.

She wanted to hate him. She wanted to disregard everything he'd said, because if he was lying, it would be so much easier. She had managed to convince herself for years that Edward didn't love her—why was it so difficult to believe it now?

_My instinct to not let you get hurt is stronger than my instinct to protect you. I always thought they were the same thing._

She hadn't completely understood what he meant when he said those words a few days ago, the night they fought outside River's, but they fit with everything he had said last night. He had left all those years ago to protect her. He had thought that if he left she wouldn't hurt anymore, that if he removed himself it would also remove the danger that shrouded his world. What he didn't know—how could he _not_ have known?—was that by leaving her, by _protecting_ her, he was hurting her more than anything ever could.

Bella had been in countless fights: she had been beaten, suffocated, broken, exhausted, terrified, torn and bloody, but she had always recovered. She had never given up only because she had known there was worse pain, she'd already survived it, and nothing else really mattered.

And it had all been a lie.

He had loved her then and he loved her now. She believed him, and she believed that he was sorry, and she believed that he would change for her, but was he worth everything she would lose by loving him? Could she risk everything she had, everything she had become, on a promise from the person who had hurt her more than anyone ever had before? She didn't know, so she had run away. She still felt that urge in her body—the coiling tension that made her want to run, run, run as fast and as far away from him as possible.

"Are you going to stand here staring into space all day, or are you actually going to do what you're paid for?"

Bella thought about being a smartass for a moment, but knew it wasn't worth it. Everyone learned quickly to never talk back to Lynne, because she got disproportionately angry at any hint of rudeness.

So she just said, "Sorry, Lynne," and hurried over to the customers she had been effectively ignoring. She smiled at them, wished them a good morning, took their orders and refused to think about anything that was too confusing or painful.

"I'll get those coffees for you now," Bella said cheerily to the married couple scrunched into the corner table.

"What a sweet young girl," she heard the man say to his wife as she weaved her way to the bar.

_If they only knew_, she thought w tt ryly.

She was standing at the coffee bar, waiting for Chloe to churn out a coffee from the ridiculous machine, when she heard his voice. Her body reacted before her mind could comprehend what was happening. Her heart pumped faster, her hands became damp, her stomach twisted.

It took another moment before she realized his voice sounded wrong. For one thing, it was too soft and tinny—like a recording or a phone call. For another, it sounded scared.

_Oh, God_.

"…_need to come here as soon as possible_."

"Edward." Alice's voice was urgent. Bella held on to the bar and felt the wood splinter beneath her hand. "What happened?"

"_It was Kahled. I didn't…it happened too quickly…_"

"No," Bella whispered. She didn't realize she was speaking. "No, no, no, no, no."

"Where are you?" Alice was moving, she sounded determined.

"_We're on our way to Coney Island Hospital_."

_No, no, no, no._

"We're leaving now."

"_Alice_?" There was a moment's hesitation. "_Come quickly_."

_Diane, don't you dare._

This wasn't happening. She was sleep-deprived, she had finally lost it, this was some crazed fragmented dream and it would be over, over in a minute. It would turn into something else. _Turn into something else._

"Bella, she's alive; she's alive, but we need to leave now."

_Alice. Stop lying to me, Alice. Don't say these things because they're just not happening._

"Bella, please move."

Something was pulling her, and she was moving, but too fast, and she was standing still, and there was something in the way.

"What are you doing?"

"We need to leave; Bella's roommate…"

Diane, her Diane, the only thing that made sense. _Don't you dare_.

"You can't just leave; she's our only waitress today."

"I don't care. Get out of the way, Lynne."

"If you leave, don't even _think_ about coming…"

She was moving again, and she was outside, and she was inside, and she wasn't moving, but things were rushing past.

_Oh, God, this is happening_.

"I should have been there—"

"Don't do that, Jasper. That doesn't help anything."

_Help,_ _help, I need help_.

Diane was her help. Whenever she needed help, Diane was there because Diane was her partner. How was she supposed to survive without Diane?

_She's alive, she's alive._

If she's alive, then you're alive, and look at everything whizzing by. You're alive, so she's alive. You can feel the leather of the car, you can smell the grime of New York and the sharp scent of vampire, you can feel the blood pounding in your body and the wisp of hair that has fallen into your eye. You can feel and smell and see, so you're alive. You're alive, so she's alive.

_She's alive, she's alive_.

Was she supposed to tell Diane's mother? How would she even begin to find—Diane always took care of the bills, she didn't even know what electricity provider they—Diane curled around her, wet hair clinging to her skin—what are you supposed to wear to funerals? She had that black skirt that always looked nice on—_don't think that because she's not dead and no one cares about what clothes you_—Alice would have cared, Alice always thought about that—Alice never liked her, was she glad she's hurt?—_Diane stealing a cup of coffee from Jo, leans her head against her shoulder, looks like peace_—_oh, __, __Jo, you're never going to get that flower now…_

_Stop thinking. I don't like what I'm thinking. _

The car had stopped. A door was opening.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but we can't go in, not with the…"

Bella ran away, tripping over the curb and righting herself easily. Funny how it was her body she trusted most.

"Diane Knox," Bella panted to the lady behind the welcome desk. She couldn't get enough air into her lungs. "Where is she?"

The woman typed the name into her computer in a steady, I-will-not-be-rushed manner. Bella recognized another warrior. They both surrounded themselves with death and mayhem every day, and so destruction had started to become a way of life. It would have taken something truly terrible to shatter their worlds.

"She's in surgery," the woman said in a bored voice. "Third floor. East Wing."

She was off.

Bella probably moved too quickly through the corridors of the hospital, and perhaps nurses, doctors, visitors and patients stared at the girl who ran faster than any human had a right to run, but maybe they would blame it on the medication, on the lack of sleep, on the stress. Bella didn't care.

She finally slowed when she saw Edward. He was sitting on one of those awful washed-out waiting room chairs, elbows on his knees, hair wet and plastered to his forehead and his fingertips pressing against his lips. His gaze was a thousand miles away, but there was an acute tightness in his face that made her stop. When he eventually looked up, his eyes were darker than she had ever seen them.

She must have moved too quickly again, because she was suddenly standing in front of Edward, gripping his wrists and demanding, "How is she? What happened?"

"Bella, I'm so sorry."

Her grip tightened. "What happened?"

His eyes flickered away, and she followed them to a girl with purple hair, who was eyeing them with unabashed interest. Bella sat down and leaned toward him, taking her hands from his wrists but keeping one on his arm. She needed something solid to ground herself to and Edward was there. Like he said he always would be.

_I'm not leaving. Not again. I'm never leaving again._

"It was Kahled," he told her quietly, his eyes not quite meeting hers. "I was only across the street, and I got there as quickly as I could but…"

"How?" she wondered aloud. "How is that possible? She was at the police station…"

"No, she wasn't. Jo asked to talk to her alone, so they went outside, around the back of the station."

Nausea crawled up Bella's throat.

"Did…did she know? Jo?"

His eyes searched hers briefly before darting back away.

"I don't know exactly what she thought. She was excited—she thought she was giving Diane a treat, a surprise. I might have seen what was going to happen but…"

She waited for him to continue, but he seemed unable to speak. She could feel the tension in the muscles of his arm.

"But what?" she prompted.

"But she asked me not to." He exhaled heavily. "Diane lifted her shield and asked me to not listen. She wanted some privacy, and I…I gave it to them."

Bella screwed her eyes closed and pressed the palm of her hand again her forehead until she felt a horrible pressure build behind her eyes.

"_Idiot_," she muttered darkly.

"I know, I can't—"

"No, not you," she interrupted. "Diane should have known better than that. She should never have made you choose between giving her privacy and keeping her safe."

He shook his head, and she wanted to touch his face because it looked too distraught.

"I shouldn't have let her go so easily," he said. "The truth is I just didn't want to hear."

Bella knew she should be angry with Edward, because he was right—he _should_ have ignored Diane's wishes and listened to Jo's thoughts anyway—but damn if she wouldn't have done exactly the same thing. She knew she wouldn't have been able to listen to their reunion, to Diane's apologies and Jo's acceptance. Their admissions of love. A repeat of last night, but with a happy ending.

"Jo!" Bella cried suddenly. "Is Jo all right? Did she get away?"

She knew what he was going to say before he said it.

"No, he killed her."

"Oh, no."

What a pathetic response, but she had no idea what to say, what to do. She hadn't known Jo well at all, but she'd loved her because Diane had loved her. She felt part of herself plummeting away, becoming hollow.

_Oh, Diane._

She buried her face in her hands. She felt inadequate for mourning.

"She loved her very much," she heard him say from what sounded very far away.

"Yes, she did," she whispered.

Bella had been confused the first time she had met Jo. Diane had worked her name into enough inane conversations that Bella's suspicions had been roused, and she had used one of her holidays from work to visit Diane at the station to attempt to catch a glimpse of the woman who obviously had Diane's attention. Bella had taken one look at her and dismissed the evident attraction between them because Bella was shallow.

Diane had a type. All of the women in her life whom Bella had met before were very beautiful, with intensely dark skin and long black hair. They were all very glamorous, with voluptuous figures and impeccable dress sense. They wore short dresses and red lipstick and were very femme. Jo was not like them. She had insane curly hair, light olive skin, and she dressed in baggy clothes that made her look like a boy. She had an obnoxiously loud laugh, terrible baseball alliances, and she carried her gun like it was a substitution.

So Bella had ignored her instincts and convinced herself that Diane—with her unwavering taste—could never fall for frumpy, tomboy Jo.

Therefore she was surprised when one morning, a few months ago, when Bella was feeling sorry for herself after a sleepless night, Jo stepped out of Diane's bedroom wearing her police uniform and a smirk.

"Morning, Bella," she had chirped in a disgustingly satisfied manner. "Have a good night's sleep?"

Bella had tried to arrange her face into something that wasn't slack-jawed shock.

"No," she said, rather bluntly.

Jo snorted, looking remarkably unembarrassed. "Yeah, me neither. Got any coffee?"

Bella had really needed to go to work but she'd been just too curious, and after making Jo some rather repulsive-looking instant coffee, she'd sat down and waited for her roommate to emerge from her den of sin.

Diane had a rather dopey smile on her face when she finally appeared. She curled an arm around Jo's waist, stole her coffee and leaned her head against her shoulder. Bella had left quickly after that. Seeing that much contentment had made her uncomfortable.

Bella was disappointed, but not surprised, when Diane broke it off only a week later.

"I just don't have time for a girlfriend," Diane had said dismissively. "It's not like it would ever have worked out anyway—we didn't have anything in common."

So Diane had faded back into her old self. Bella had never realized how sad she had been before.

Diane should have tried harder.

"So, what do we do now?" Bella asked, trying to escape from her thoughts.

His eyes were far away again, and she found herself leaning even closer to him.

"They've managed to stabilize her, but they're being very careful. The surgery is going to take a long time—all we can do is wait."

Bella stared.

"You…you can see them operating on her?"

He tilted his head. She had forgotten how difficult it was to read him sometimes.

"It's not easy; their minds are unfamiliar. But if I concentrate, then yes, I can watch the operation."

"What are they doing now?"

His eyes shifted until they were scrutinizing her. "Do you really want to know?"

She could see that, despite his hesitation, if she asked him to describe every detail, he would have done it. He would explain to her exactly how these strangers were cutting into her best friend.

"No, I don't think I do." Bella continued, because somehow, talking was slightly comforting. "Are they good doctors?"

He smiled faintly. "Yes, they are very good."

"Are they concentrating?"

He let out a breath of laughter. "Yes, they are concentrating. Although…"

A sliver of panic. "Although? Although what?"

He calmed her down with his reassuring smile. "They're talking. It helps them to relax—relieves some of the pressure."

Bella understood that. "What are they talking about?"

"Honestly?"

She steeled herself, and nodded.

"_Doctor Who_."

Bella let out a loud, rapid burst of laughter, like machine gun fire.

"Seriously?"

He smiled at her, and she felt a swooping sensation in her stomach, as though she had experienced a sudden drop.

"Seriously."

"Well then." Bella sat back in her chair and let her hand fall from his arm. "They are obviously brilliant. They have my utmost faith."

She sank down into her chair, her leg brushing against Edward's as she settled herself in for a long wait. Despite everything that had passed between them, despite the thrill of fear and desire that rushed through her whenever she touched him, despite the anger toward him that she could feel—even now—thudding in her blood, she was more relieved than she could say that Edward was there beside her. At any other time, she would tear her feelings apart, examine them disinterestedly, as if they were the results of a particularly difficult scientific experiment, but sitting in that hospital room, she just let herself feel them.

There would be repercussions, she knew, but that would be later. If Edward, of all people, could give her comfort during one of the most terrifying days of her entire life, then she would take it. He owed her that much. 

**A/N: Please leave your thoughts. I really love your reviews, and they keep me excited about writing this story.**


	15. The Sound of White

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to Mrs. Meyer.**

**A/N: I'm sorry for the wait, but work's been taking over my life recently. But I just gave in my dissertation, so things should be freed up for a little while!**

**I'd just like to take a moment to thank a few people. Thanks to dinotopian, who always drops me a review, and whiskeytwins whose enthusiasm keeps mine going. Muffinmom: your reviews always make my day. And thank you to everyone who sends some love (or not, some of your criticisms are extremely helpful). I know I'm not great at responding to your reviews, but with the way university's going at the moment, it's either respond or get up a new chapter. I will get better, I promise! Reading what you think sparks my imagination and keeps me loving this story, even though I started writing it over a year ago. Now, enough of this sentimental claptrap. On with the show!**

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><p>Time dragged past unevenly. Whenever the anxiety grew too large to contain in her chest, Bella asked Edward what the surgeons were discussing. Their tastes varied from popular science fiction to classical music to gardening and house renovation. There were times when panic tightened in her throat, when her thoughts were too frantic or selfish, and Edward would interject—just in time, it felt—with a joke or anecdote one of the doctors had shared. He would drag out of her a laugh, or smile, or grimace, and every time, it felt as though he were pulling her back from the edge of something tall and dark.<p>

"Did you eat lunch?" he asked suddenly, some hours into their vigil. Bella shook her head. "You should eat something; we'll be here for a while yet."

Bella sighed. "I really don't want to move."

Edward unfurled himself from the chair gracefully. "I'll get you something from the cafeteria."

"Don't you think—"

"They have been in there for hours. She's out of the worst of it now. Bella." He waited until she met his eyes. "Diane is going to get through this."

Emotion clogged Bella's throat, and she looked down to hide the tears that had suddenly sprung to her eyes. By the time she composed herself enough to look up, Edward had gone.

It was strange how agitated she felt now that she was alone. She had always loved her own company, had always felt most comfortable when she didn't have anyone else to please or entertain, but when Edward left—_just for a few minutes_—she felt like crawling out of her skin. It was dangerous, allowing herself to rely on him so much again. Especially after last night.

God, had that only been last night? It felt like years ago. She felt guilty, being with him, taking comfort from him, knowing how cruel she had been in rejecting him. Selfishly, she wished they could stay like this, without thinking, or resolving, or moving anywhere. She could just sit here, in this waiting room, bathed in white, and let him comfort her.

"So, like, what's your story?"

Bella dazedly looked towards the voice to find the girl with the purple hair staring at her with huge, unblinking eyes. How long had she been watching Bella?

"I'm sorry, what?"

The girl tilted her head slightly. Did this girl not need to blink? Didn't her eyes get dry?

"You, like, his aunt or something?"

Bella's eyebrows shot up in disbelief. "_What_?"

"No offense or nothing, just wondering. He's, like, really hot and stuff."

"Right."

"So, do you think you could, like, give him my number or something?"

Bella briefly wondered whether she had fallen asleep and this girl with her ridiculous hair was some whacky figment that her brain had concocted from stress. She pinched her arm.

_Nope, still awake._

"Your number?" she asked, slowly.

"Yeah, my number, so he can, like, phone me, you know?"

Bella wasn't sure she did.

"You know this is a hospital, right?" Bella asked in case she really didn't know.

"Well, obviously. I mean, I know where I am. So, his number, yeah?"

Bella felt as though bluntness was the only possible way to deal with this girl. "No."

Her face fell into a ridiculous pout. "Hey, well, why not? I know he's your nephew and all, but you don't need to be super protective. I think we'd get on and stuff, you know? He seems like a cool guy."

Bella felt her face flush as anger bubbled in her stomach. She leaned forward slowly.

"Listen to me carefully, Loony Lovegood, shut up. I can give you no better advice right now than to shut the hell up. You have decided to piss me off on one of the worst days of my life, and I'm really not sure what I'm going to do to you if you keep talking. I'm almost interested to see what will happen, because I've never actually reached my breaking point before. Do you want to try it?"

The girl blinked.

The air was thick with tension when Edward returned. Bella had to restrain herself from rising to meet him, from showing the idiot who was looking at him with lustful, unblinking eyes exactly who he belonged to. Which was unfair, because he wasn't hers.

"What did you do to her?"

Bella glared at him. "I am not your aunt."

He looked at her cautiously, as though he were worried that she had finally lost it. "I know."

"Well, as long as that's clear."

He stared at her for a moment, before letting out a breathy laugh. "You're really quite terrifying."

She frowned. "Is that a bad thing?"

"Definitely not," he said softly. Unconsciously, he reached out a hand and tucked a strand of lost hair behind her ear. She shivered when his thumb brushed her cheek. His face fell, and he withdrew his hand. "Sorry," he said quietly.

Bella shook her head, shaking her hair free to create a barrier between them. She took his offering of a ham and cheese sandwich and started to eat, even though she wasn't hungry. She finished quickly, the food feeling heavy and uncomfortable in her stomach, but she supposed Edward was right; she should have eaten something. She hadn't actually eaten since lunch the day before.

Bored—and feeling guilty for being bored—Bella read the ingredients on the sandwich label. Why did you need so many ingredients for a sandwich? She wondered why on earth people needed to add so much rubbish to perfectly normal food. You would think that hospitals would be more aware of stuff like that. Was that why food cost so much now? Because it was all stuffed with e-numbers and chemicals that messed with people's insides? Should a ham and cheese sandwich really cost eight dollars?

Eight dollars.

She was worrying about eight dollars when God knew how much Diane's hospital bill would be. She wouldn't be able to pay it—not in a million years—but she knew that Edward was taking care of it, that he wouldn't even think about it, that money meant less than nothing to him. She felt ridiculous for feeling embarrassed—pride had no place here, not now. Still, she should say something.

"Thank you for…" That sentence wasn't going anywhere. "We both put some money aside, in case something like this happened, but it's, well, pitiful. I would never have been able to…Thank you, really."

Bella wondered how Edward could ever have said that she was difficult to read, because he always understood her meandering attempts at communication as though she could speak like a normal, rational human being.

"I know. You're welcome."

And there it was, the perfect thing he could have said. He didn't try to brush it off, or make it a big deal. How was it that he always knew the perfect thing to say?

Though, not always. Sometimes he said the most wrong and ridiculous things she had ever heard.

"What are they talking about now?" she asked, almost desperately.

He frowned, concentrating. He looked tired. She didn't know that vampires could look tired.

"They're not talking much now," he said after a long moment. "A new surgeon has joined them, and they don't like him very much."

She could have asked what type of surgeon he was, why they needed someone new, but she was too afraid of the answer.

"Why don't they like him?"

"They think he's arrogant, and he is. He's quite young, but he knows he's the best. They don't like his attitude."

Bella smirked. A surgeon with an attitude problem; sometimes life really was just that stereotypical.

She got up to throw the packaging away, concentrating on walking normally, trying not to give away how unsteady her legs felt. The purple haired girl had left at some point.

Bella sank back into her chair, relieved, and a little unnerved. She hated feeling so weak and vulnerable. It was as though the air were thicker than normal, as though she were encased in a bubble and all sensation and awareness was dampened. _Be aware of all of your surroundings, all of the time_. The first and most important lesson she had learnt at the Academy. She was failing again. Or falling? It certainly felt like she was falling—failing through falling.

She didn't know at what point the black rushed to meet her, but suddenly her thoughts were soft, and the world was muted, and there was a beautiful voice surrounding her, and stroking her, and it was saying her name.

"_Bella_."

And for a moment—just one horrible, jolting, peaceful moment—they were in her bedroom in Forks, and the sun was breaking through the curtains, and she was curled up against his body as she basked in the feeling of knowing what it is like to love, and be loved.

"Bella."

"What?" She woke up with a jerk, wincing as pain shot through her head from the harsh lights. "What is it? What?"

She turned to find Edward's face far too close to her own. She backed away quickly, trying and failing to stop the blush that rose in her cheeks.

"Oh, God," she groaned. "Did I fall asleep on you? I'm so—"

"Bella," he interrupted, his voice soft but urgent. His eyes flickered away, and she followed them to a man walking towards them. He looked tired, too.

Bella jumped to her feet immediately, but then found that she couldn't move. She stared at the tired man in the white coat. He didn't look anything other than tired. His face seemed grey under the unforgiving lights, his eyes red and bloodshot, the skin under his eyes deeply bruised. She couldn't tell how the operation had gone from his face. She almost didn't want to know. If she didn't know, then nothing could be wrong. She could feel her heart thudding unevenly in her chest, the skin of her palms growing wet with sweat. She had lost feeling in her legs. She didn't think she could move, even if she wanted to.

Something nudged the back of her left hand, and she looked down to find long, pale fingers sliding between her own. Something like electricity shot up her arm, like pins and needles. She looked up at him, and saw the warm strength in his eyes. She took a deep breath.

The doctor squinted at the chart in his hand, cleared his throat and asked, "Diane Knox?" even though they were the only ones in the waiting room.

Edward walked forward, and she let him pull her along.

"We're with Diane," he said. His hand was gripping Bella's almost painfully, but as his thumb brushed gently against hers, she allowed herself to relax, just a little.

"Is she all right?" she asked in a small voice.

The doctor looked at them for a long moment. He seemed a little confused. "And are you…are you family?"

"No, I'm her roommate. Diane doesn't really have any family."

"Can you tell us how she is?" Edward asked, unerringly polite.

The doctor nodded. He seemed to have some trouble meeting their gazes, and focused instead on Bella's chin.

"Diane suffered a lot of trauma, and it took a great deal of effort to stabilize her. She experienced rather vicious blunt force trauma to the head, which resulted in a subdural hematoma, but we managed to get the bleeding under control. However, we cannot be sure of the full extent of the damage until Diane wakes up, and I have to tell you that complications with this type of surgery are quite common."

_Breathe, Bella, breathe._

"But she's…she will wake up though? If everything went well in surgery then she'll…she'll be okay?"

The doctor squinted at her shoulder. "Her body went through a lot today, but if she's strong, then she should come through. She will need time to heal on her own, so I couldn't presume to guess when she will wake up, but yes—if the surgery went well, then she should wake up, and she should be fine."

It was only Edward's tight grip on her hand that stopped her from either sinking to the floor or kissing this squinty doctor right on the mouth.

"Thank you," she whispered.

The doctor cleared his throat and nodded. "She'll be taken to the seventh floor, west wing in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit. If you explain to the nurses, I'm sure they'll let you in to see her."

The doctor hesitated for a moment before turning and leaving. She could tell that he wasn't particularly comfortable talking to people. She imagined that it was in the surgical theatre where he felt most at home—working in near silence, concentrating on fixing things that were broken. A craftsman mending damaged goods. She decided that she liked him.

"Was he telling the truth?" She had to ask. "Is Diane really going to be okay?"

Edward smiled at her gently. "Of course she is. She's a fighter, isn't she?"

Of course her Diane was a fighter. Of course Diane was going to be okay. Diane always pulled through when Bella needed her, and Bella needed her now, so she was going to be fine.

Edward let his fingers slip away from hers. "Let's go."

Bella followed him with leaden feet. Edward seemed to know exactly where he was going, and Bella briefly wondered if he had been here before. Then again, Bella had always gotten the impression that there was some kind of internal logic to hospitals that—despite the embarrassing number she had visited—had always eluded her.

The doctors and nurses' station was busy when they arrived, and the men and women who milled around looked weary and harassed. Bella quickly approached a middle-aged woman in faded green scrubs and said, "Excuse me, we're here to see Diane Knox."

Bella didn't like the icy stare the doctor returned. "Family only, sorry." She turned back to the chart she was holding in her hands.

Bella fumed. How dare she assume she knew _anything_ about Diane's family? "I'm all she has—if you're waiting for Diane's family to turn up, you're going to be waiting for a very long time."

The doctor didn't even raise her eyes from the chart. "If she makes it through the night, she'll be moved to a different ward. You can visit her then."

_I am this close to ripping your head off and using it as a fucking fish bowl._

"Look, you—"

"I think we got off on the wrong foot." The doctor's head snapped up at the sound of Edward's velvet voice. She blushed when she met his gaze. _As if I needed any more reason to wish you pain_. "My name is Edward."

"Oh," the doctor said, flustered, passing the chart from hand to hand nervously. "Hello, Edward."

He smiled at her. Bella noticed how he was careful not to show too many teeth. "Hello, Doctor. As my friend Bella was saying, we are the only people Diane has in New York. We would really like to see her."

It was interesting, watching Edward coercing humans with his beauty. She had seen many vampires use their physical lures to trap susceptible humans, to lead them away to somewhere secluded and make a kill. But she had never seen anything quite like this. Whenever other vampires—normal vampires—stared into their prey's eyes like Edward was doing with this bitch doctor from hell, there was always hesitation, always fear. Deep down, the humans always knew that they were facing death, no matter how beautiful it may be. But Edward—even with his pitch black eyes that hinted at the monster beneath—there was no fear in the doctor's eyes, only desire.

Was this because of Edward's diet? Did this petty little woman know that, despite all of the markers, Edward did not mean her harm? Was it because Edward could read her mind like an open book and so repress the parts of him that might intimidate?

_Or is it because of me? Does loving a human make him more of one himself?_

"I'm afraid we can only let family in to see the patients. I'm not sure…"

He leant towards her, his face gently melancholic. "I understand this must be difficult, Doctor, but Diane is hurt very badly. She has been in surgery for nearly nine hours, and we are very worried about her. Is there no way we could see her, just so that we can know she's safe?"

The doctor patted her hair, as though to check it was still there. "Well, visiting times are fifteen minutes at the beginning of every hour, but I suppose I could…give you ten minutes now? Then, well, if you say you're practically family…"

Edward grinned at her, showing a lot of teeth. The woman didn't even flinch. She just blushed again. _Does it look that stupid when I do that?_

"We really appreciate it."

The doctor nodded. "She's in room fifteen." And she quickly busied herself with trying to find a pen.

"Thank you," Bella whispered to him, trying not to sound at all resentful.

She rushed over to the room and quickly moved through the open door. She stopped. She wondered briefly whether she had entered the wrong room, but under the sharp tang of disinfectant and sickness, she could smell Diane: cheap perfume and cinnamon.

She moved slowly to the bed, curling her hand around the sheets. Underneath the bruising and the cuts and the swelling on her face, Diane looked pale. As though she had had something vital drained away from her. Her face was a mess of violence. One of the arms that rested on the bed was entirely encased in a cast. A bandage wrapped around her head, some of her dark and matted hair spilling across the pillow. She looked small. She didn't look like Diane.

Machines surrounded her and erupted from her, like an extension or infestation. The heart monitor beeped out her pulse, which sounded too slow and deliberate. There was an IV drip sticking out of her left hand. A packet of thick black blood hung above her head.

Bella's hand hovered over Diane's body, wondering where it would be safe to touch her. She brushed her left wrist, but didn't like the feeling of the delicate bones there. Her hand hovered again. It reached up and smoothed back her eyebrow, careful to avoid the bruising around her eye.

"You never said, what happened to Kahled?" Bella asked quietly, sifting a strand of Diane's hair through her fingers.

"He ran when he saw me coming," he answered, standing near the door. "Victoria told him she didn't want him to hurt either one of us, so he ran. We will find him."

Bella nodded. "I know."

Time went past strangely again as Bella got lost in the pulse under Diane's skin, and it only felt like a few cold moments later when Edward said, "We need to leave now. We'll be able to come back in half an hour."

Bella allowed herself another moment of gazing at this small, pale girl that was not her Diane.

"I think we're going to need Carlisle," she said quietly. "When she starts to get better…she can't stay here."

Edward nodded, looking down so that she could not read his face, so that she could not see how his eyes tightened. He led the way out of the room and made his way to yet another waiting area. Bella sat down next to him and watched him remove his cell phone from his pocket, turning it around repeatedly with his fingers. She waited for him to turn it on and call his father, but minutes passed, and he just kept turning it in his hands.

"He'll be happy to hear from you," Bella told him. "You know he will."

He nodded but didn't say anything. He stopped moving his phone and sat very still for a long moment. It seemed as though he was listening very hard for something. She heard him mutter, "Right," before taking a deep breath and turning on his phone. He hesitated before entering a number. Bella briefly wondered how he could use a touch screen phone. Didn't it respond to body heat? She supposed they must have modified it so that it responded to pressure, instead.

She felt inexplicably nervous when the phone started ringing.

"_Carlisle Cullen_."

She had forgotten what his voice sounded like: smooth and deep, but most of all _kind_.

"Carlisle, it's me."

A long pause. Bella wondered why her heart was beating so quickly.

"_Edward_?" Her heart nearly broke at the happiness and hope and fear in Carlisle's voice. Edward's face was tight with pain. The guilt of a runaway: Bella knew the feeling well. "_Are you all right? Are Alice and Jasper with you?_"

"Yes, they're both outside. How…how are you, Carlisle?"

"_I'm well. It's really good to hear your voice_."

Edward squeezed his eyes shut. "I know. It's good to hear you, too. I'm so sorry."

"_Don't be, Edward. I understand. Are you looking after yourself? Are you hunting?_"

Edward chuckled. "Yes, Dad, I've hunted."

"_Are you coming home_?" _Carlisle let out a heavy breath. _"_I didn't mean to ask so bluntly, but we all miss you, Edward. Especially Esme. I couldn't help but hope that's why you called._"

Edward looked down, his hair falling into his eyes. Bella wanted to comfort him the way he had comforted her all day. She wanted to reach out and take his hand. He was obviously braver than she was.

"Actually I called…I know I have no right to ask this of you, but we need your help."

"_Of course, where are you_?" No doubt, no hesitation. How could Edward ever have doubted his worth when a man like Carlisle loved him so much?

"In New York. Alice has checked us into the Best Western Hotel on Emmons Avenue."

"_A Best Western_?"

Edward smiled. "Yes, but desperate times call for desperate measures."

"'_Desperate times?'_" _Carlisle repeated, sounding alarmed._ "_Are you in trouble_?"

"Honestly, New York is a dangerous place for us at the moment. It would be dangerous for you, as well. I would understand if you didn't want to—"

"_Don't be ridiculous, so. Of course we'll help._"

"Thank you," Edward murmured. "Alice has booked you a flight at six o'clock tomorrow morning."

"_Of course she has,_" _Carlisle chuckled fondly_._ "Shall we meet you at the hotel_?"

Edward hesitated. "Actually, I'll be at Coney Island Hospital."

There was a long silence. Bella bit her lip.

"_A hospital_?" _Carlisle asked, finally_.

"Yes, it's…a long story. If you ask for Diane Knox, you'll find me. They said they'd move her in the morning."

Another pause.

"_Diane Knox_?"

"Yes."

"_I'll be there as soon as I can. Edward? I love you._"

"I know. I love you, too. Goodbye."

Edward hung up and stared at the phone in his hand for a long time. He looked shaken.

"You…you didn't say anything about…" Bella trailed off.

He tilted his head towards her, but didn't take his eyes away from his hands.

"Alice warned me not to." She didn't like how hollow his voice sounded. "She said that he wouldn't believe me. He'd worry that I'd lost my mind."

Bella's heart froze. "That's what you thought when you first saw me, wasn't it?" she asked. "That you'd gone crazy. That's why you were so quiet."

He turned to look at her, and she saw the answer in his eyes. He stood up quickly.

"It's nearly eleven," he said. "We can go and see Diane again."

She watched him walk away from her, a cold weight in her chest. She was wrong; she had thought it would be easier if she didn't let herself touch him, but the truth was that nothing made a difference anymore. Nothing made it easier. Nothing would change.

She followed him.


	16. Family Reunion

**Disclaimer: You get it by now; anything your recognize isn't mine.**

**A/N: I am soooo sorry for taking so long with this. I have had a crazy couple of months of work and haven't had much time to do anything except write essays and revise for exams. But it's all over! I finished my last exam today, and I am officially free! You have no idea how relieved I am. So this means that I'll have a lot more time to work on this story. The next chapter is in a bit of a mess, but I hope to get it out to you in a week or so.**

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><p><em>She had been here before.<em>

_It was dark and cold, and the cracked street spread out before her, unnerving in its emptiness. False eyes gazed at her from windows and doorways. She shuddered and pushed her hands into her pockets, trying to hide the way they shook. _

_The __houses __were __dilapidated tin __shacks, __a __mockery __of_ _home. __A __cardboard __woman __stood __across __the __street __from __her, __holding __a __painted __cigarette._

_She could remember how this worked; she had passed this final test, and they had sent her away. She had thought that she would never have to come here ever again—so why was she here, now?_

_She __knew __where __the __vampire __was.__Thudding __music_ _masked __the __sounds __of __his __feasting, __but __she __k__new __he __was __about __half __a __mile __away, __crouched __over __a __dying __animal, in __a __shadowed __alley.__She __had __found __him __quickly. Killed __him __quickly._

_She could find him again, right now, and end this._

_She walked down the street, head down, appearing to concentrate. She couldn't make this look too easy, or they'd know she'd cheated._

Act scared, act confused and lost, and maybe this will be it, this will be the last time. They can't keep bringing you back here forever.

_The smell of blood was strong, and she found the body of a fox lying in the middle of the street, where the scent was most concentrated. It had not died easily. She turned away and kept walking._

_She could hear him now, under the distracting music. She stopped quickly, as though the sound surprised her, as if she didn't know exactly what she was doing, as if she hadn't done this before—countless times._

_She could feel their eyes on her, even though she knew they were miles away, judging, criticizing. He wanted her to fail; she knew he did. He didn't trust her, and he didn't want her to leave before he could be sure of her. He wanted to keep her here until she was like him—hard and cold and heartless. He had nearly succeeded. She needed to get out of here, now._

_There he was, just like he had been before. His long hair obscured his face as he bent over the goat, slurping the crimson liquid from its jugular. He was so intent on the kill that he didn't notice her for a moment. His hands were like claws, digging into the poor creature's body, skin and bones shattering under the power of his grip._

_This should be easy. She had killed before. _

_He looked up at her, and, oh, Jesus Christ, his eyes._

_His __body __shifted __and __curled. __He __growled. __There __was __understanding __there, __beneath __those __horrible __eyes. __She __thought __she __could __even __sense __acceptance. __Her __body __had __never __felt __so __heavy __and __unresponsive. _This should be easy…this should be easy…

_He leapt at her, and she couldn't move. She didn't remember this part. His weight barreled into her at full force, and she did absolutely nothing to defend herself. She fell to the ground, her head bouncing off the concrete. Blood dripped from his snarling mouth and onto her cheek. She had to do this. She couldn't stay here one minute longer; this was her escape._

"_Oh, God." She wasn't aware of the words falling from her mouth. "Oh, sweet Jesus. Please help me."_

_The __ground __shifted. __Something __happened __to __the __air, and __it __was __no __longer __cold, __or __hard, __or __dark._ _The grass __tickled __her __neck, a__nd __the __sun __warmed __her __skin, __and __she __looked __up __into __those __eyes._

_Those beautiful, horrible, golden eyes._

Bella was out of the chair and back against the wall before she was aware of moving.

Dreaming of those eyes, and then waking up to find them inches from her own…that was…if her heart didn't stop pounding so hard in her throat, she would throw up.

Edward backed up a few steps, his eyes wide, his hands raised to show her that he wasn't going to hurt her.

"I'm sorry," he said in a soft, calming voice. "I wasn't sure whether to wake you or not."

Bella shook her head. She hadn't meant to fall asleep. She had fought its lure all night, even though she felt dizzy from weariness, partly because she hadn't wanted to miss any new developments with Diane, but mostly because she had known that this would happen. Her nightmares were very private, and she hadn't wanted Edward to witness her reliving those memories.

"Excuse me," Bella whispered in a hoarse voice, leaving the room on shaky legs.

Locking herself in the restroom by the doctor and nurses' station, Bella splashed cold water on her face.

She had had that nightmare countless times. It was based on the memory of the final test she had taken at the Academy. There was a fake shanty town built near the compound, about two square miles, the raggedy streets littered with animals to build up the vampire's strength. Students and teachers kept watch around the perimeter, to make sure that the vampire couldn't escape. The goal was simple: find the vampire, kill it, destroy the evidence of its body, and be discreet. It was an attempt at urban warfare, and if you killed the vampire in front of the cardboard people, you failed. She had passed the test with her first trial and been sent to New York the next day.

It was not the first time she had killed a vampire, but it was the first time she had killed a vampire strengthened by blood. All of the vampires the instructors had brought into the Academy were weak and out of their minds with desperation. When confronted with such a creature, it was almost easy to become a killer, because they were no more than animals, and they would rip you apart and drink every drop of your blood if you gave the slightest hesitation.

This vampire was not like that. He had been feeding before she had arrived. He had known what was happening, what she was. He was rational, and he knew how to fight. He knew that even if he killed her, he still wouldn't be making it out of the arena alive. She had seen the defeat, anger, and hate in his eyes. He didn't have a choice, but neither did she.

_That's a lie. There was always a choice, every step of the way._

Bella fisted her hands in her hair. Dammit, she did not want to think about this now. But how could she not when Edward was there, concerned about her, loving her, gazing at her with those eyes? She had never thought of herself as a coward, never, not even when she was so terrified that her instincts of _fight__or__flight_ were abandoned, and she could do nothing but stand and wait for pain. She felt like a coward now.

She wished he had never come back.

_Another lie._

Most of all, she was disturbed by how the nightmare had ended. It had started to happen with alarming regularity: she would be in the middle of a terrible dream, and instead of fighting back and killing, like she always did, she would stop and ask for help—_beg_for help—and then suddenly, she would be _there_. She always woke up before she could look, but she didn't need to. She knew where she went: the meadow.

It was frightening because it _wasn__'__t_ frightening. How easy it would be to give up and go back to _that_Bella who couldn't save herself from monsters. She could finish high school, go to college, get a job, and all the while, someone else would be out there, risking their life for her, and killing for her. She wouldn't have to be scared, or angry, or in pain.

But who was she without fear, anger and pain? Without that sustaining her, would she cease to be? Would she just become small, weak and nothing?

_Is __that __all __I __am __now? __An __assassin?_

Sighing at herself, Bella unlocked the door and shuffled out to the busy corridor. She knew it was stupid to try and analyze her messed up mind now; she was stressed, tired and worried. Being introspectively melodramatic was not helpful to anyone—least of all to her.

_And __anyway, __think __about __Diane_, Bella thought, as she stopped and stared at room fifteen. _Loving __Diane __hasn__'__t __made __you __any __less __of __a __person. __In __fact, __loving __Diane __has __saved __your __ass __and __hers __more __times than __you __can __count. __If __fear __and __anger __are __all __you __are __capable __of, __what __the __hell __are __you __doing __here?_

"That's some guy you've got in there."

Bella jumped slightly, as the voice took her by surprise. She turned quickly, feeling defensive and annoyed (could she not take Edward _anywhere_ without women approaching her about him?). The nurse was pale, blonde and very tiny, and she looked at Bella with a simple, honest interest, that made Bella feel guilty.

"Yeah, I…well, he's not actually…"

The nurse looked at her with concern. "Are you all right?"

Bella smiled grimly. "I'm fine, just tired, and you know when you're tired you just talk absolute…yeah, ignore me."

"I understand, believe me. You've had a long night, way I heard it."

"You heard right."

"Everyone's talking about it," the nurse continued, her soft, sympathetic voice destroying any irritation Bella may have held about her intrusiveness. "It was so terrible, what happened to your friend. Sometimes I just get so angry. Why would anyone want to hurt someone that badly?"

"Lots of reasons," Bella said heavily. "None of them good enough."

"I just know she's really lucky. I talked to the doctors earlier, and they said it's looking really good."

"They said that to us as well. There haven't been any complications from surgery yet, and they said that's a good sign. I'm just…well, thank God."

The nurse put her hand on Bella's arm in an instinctive movement.

"He saved her life," she said quietly. "I'm sure he told you. Everyone's talking about what he did."

_Don't ask, don't ask, don't ask…_

"What did he do?" Bella asked, cursing herself inwardly. Did she really need to hear another story about how brilliant Edward was?

"He practically held her together," the little, blonde nurse said bluntly. "There was blood everywhere. The paramedics said he was covered in it and was shaking…is he not good with blood?"

Bella took a steadying breath. "No actually, he's fantastic with blood. He's a goddamn saint with blood."

The nurse gave her another concerned look. "You really should get some sleep. Or at least something to eat."

Bella smiled weakly. "That's a good idea. I'll probably see you around."

"I'm sure you will. Good luck."

Bella steeled herself before walking back to the room. She glanced at Diane briefly, hearing the comfortingly loud beeping of her heart on the monitor. She thought it might have been her imagination, but she looked a little less pale, a little more like her old Diane.

She met Edward's eyes. They were finally turning golden again, the black bleeding away. Now she knew why they had been so dark and why his hair had been wet in the waiting room. She couldn't even begin to imagine how impossible that had been.

"Thank you," she said clearly, because she couldn't give him much right now, but she could at least give him her gratitude.

"I know how much you love her."

For a second it was difficult for her to breathe. She couldn't remember the last time someone had done something for her, just for her, something so unbelievably selfless. It made her feel acutely uncomfortable. She had forgotten what it was like to be cared for.

Bella grabbed her knapsack and threw it over her shoulder. She stepped away, back to the door, because the urge to flatten a stray lock of his hair was nearly overwhelming. _Traitorous hands._

"I'm going to grab something from the canteen," she told him, running a hand through her own hair, as if in substitution. "Back in a minute."

Predictably, Bella got lost trying to find the canteen and eventually had to resort to asking a rather harassed-looking couple for directions. She bought a packet of chips and an apple, and sat herself down at a corner table.

She had always enjoyed watching people around her and making up stories for them, but it wasn't quite the same in a hospital as it was on the street, or in a bar. She normally liked creating elaborate stories about why they were rushing about, who they were meeting, why they were smiling, or why they kept checking their phones. In the hospital, she couldn't get past the suffering. She wondered who they were visiting, what was wrong with them, whether they were going to live, or die. Very few people smiled, or looked hopeful, but she grasped for them like a drowning girl for a lifeboat.

The exercise made her feel—as it always did—like an outsider. Imagining these humans with their ordinary lives made her feel nostalgic. She was here because her partner had been viciously mauled by a newborn vampire. She had almost forgotten what it was like to be a normal human with normal human problems.

A little boy caught Bella's eye. He couldn't have been more than five years old, but the sadness marking his features was centuries old. He stared at her in that wonderful way that kids do, steadily and unashamedly, a long hard stare as though he were trying to figure out everything about her.

Quickly scrabbling through her bag, Bella brought out a quarter and held it between her thumb and forefinger. She studied it carefully, shooting a quick look at the boy to check he was still watching her. Satisfied, she placed the coin in the palm of her right hand, and placed her left hand on top. She rubbed her hands together for a moment, before parting them, staring at her hands in apparent confusion. Where had the coin gone? Looking around, she picked up her empty chip packet, turned it upside down, and grinned when the coin fell out onto the table.

The little boy didn't seem particularly impressed.

_Right, tough audience. See if you like this one._

Grabbing an empty water bottle from the table, Bella made a show of making sure that the lid was fastened tightly. She turned it over in her hands as though to check that it was really empty. Picking the quarter back up off the table, she pressed the coin against the bottom of the bottle. She rubbed it vigorously against the plastic, taking her hand away after a moment. The coin stayed in place. Bella grabbed the top of the bottle and shook it, showing that the coin had magically migrated to the inside of the container.

Bella stood up and hoisted her bag onto her shoulder. When she reached the doors of the canteen, she glanced back, smirking when she saw the little boy at her table, shaking the bottle, with the coin still inside, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open.

She laughed out loud when he shook the coin out of the bottle and put it between his teeth, biting down on it to check it was real. She left before he could catch her laughing at him.

Bella took an unnecessarily winding path back to Diane's room on the third floor. They had moved her early in the morning, reassured that she had made it through the night without any changes. Bella was less reassured. She knew that Diane had gone through severe physical trauma, but she was a slayer. She could heal much faster than humans, and yet there had been no change whatsoever. Every bruise and cut was still etched onto her skin, her heart rate hadn't increased, and her body temperature was still slightly too high. Tiny things, normal things, but not normal for Diane.

She couldn't help but worry that something had gone terribly wrong. What if Kahled had hurt her too much? How strong was Diane? If her brain had been damaged, could her body repair that? Could slayers be irreversibly injured? Was there a chance that she would never wake up? She didn't think she could go on without Diane. Not without her sharp sense of humor, her unobtrusive comfort, her casual affection…

Bella's thoughts froze, her heart stuttered in her chest. She took a deep breath, tasting a sharp, distinctive scent on her tongue. That wasn't Edward.

If she hadn't been so tired, or so worried, Bella would have immediately realized that the scent of vampire in the stairwell was Carlisle. She knew that he was coming here, and that his flight had arrived nearly two hours ago, but in her dazed thoughts, all she could register was panic. What if Kahled had come to finish Diane? What if Victoria was finally fulfilling her promise of revenge? She rushed toward Diane's room, feeling weak and shaky, the fear rising up from some deep part of her.

She stopped, breathing unsteadily, when she reached Diane's room.

Esme's small frame was lost inside Edward's embrace, so all Bella could see was her long, flowing caramel hair. Carlisle stood beside them, a hand resting on Edward's shoulder, the most painful look of relief on his face. Bella suddenly felt embarrassed, as though she had walked in on a private moment.

Edward looked up at her from his mother's shoulder, and began to pull away. Bella felt immediately guilty.

"No, don't mind me. I'll come back later," she said, taking a step back.

Esme spun around, her expression turning from peaceful joy to absolute shock. Carlisle's eyes were wide, but he kept his composure as he asked, "Bella?"

Bella smiled uncertainly, but sincerely. It was surprisingly good to see them again. She hadn't realized how much she had missed them. "Hello, Carlisle, Esme. How are you?"

Esme still looked rather shell-shocked as she moved toward Bella, her steps restrained as though it took conscious effort not to run. Her arms were unbearably gentle as they wrapped around Bella's body. Bella's hands hovered for a moment before touching Esme's back with human pressure. She wasn't sure how Edward wanted to handle this explanation, but she was happy to let him take the lead.

"Oh, thank God," Esme breathed in a quiet voice, that Bella was sure she was not meant to hear. Her stomach twisted.

"Bella, dear, you look wonderful," Esme said in a rather muffled voice as she pulled away. "It's so good to see you."

Bella smiled at her. Sometimes, it was difficult to feel comfortable around Alice, Jasper and Edward. There were still times when their scent, or coldness, would cause something angry and scared to stir inside of her. But despite her years of conditioning, Bella couldn't help but be comforted from Esme's inner warmth.

"I'm pretty sure I look like death, but that's sweet of you to say. You're just as beautiful as ever, of course."

Esme's eyes twinkled. "I can't believe he found you."

"Bella really found me," Edward said softly.

"It's more like Alice found both of us," Bella muttered, sounding rather petulant. "I didn't have much choice." It bothered her that Edward made it sound as though she had been searching for him, waiting for him, possibly even pining after him. She was not so pathetic.

Esme caught Bella's gaze, and Bella stared back almost defiantly. After a moment, something tightened in Esme's expression. Bella looked away, instantly feeling guilty about her childishness. She knew that she was being unnecessarily defensive. Pride did not suit her; Diane had told her that it made her come across as a cold-hearted bitch. Esme and Carlisle didn't deserve her bad attitude. It wasn't their fault she was unbelievably anxious and tired.

"This must be Diane," Carlisle said smoothly, walking to her bedside, with the air of a man subtly trying to change the subject, but Bella caught him shooting a look—and probably a thought—to Edward. Edward breathed a short, bitter-sounding laugh, and shook his head. "Is she a friend of yours, Bella?" Carlisle asked in the same tone, obviously assuming that Bella had missed the exchange.

"Yes, she's my…roommate," Bella mumbled.

"What happened to her?" he asked, unhooking Diane's medical chart from the end of her bed. One of his eyebrows crept upwards in surprise.

"She was attacked," she said heavily. "He would have killed her if Edward hadn't gotten there in time."

Carlisle looked up, giving Edward a proud yet appraising look. Edward shook his head. "No, I didn't. He managed to get away."

"We'll get him, though," Bella promised, touching Diane's hand. "I won't let that fucker hurt anyone else in my city." She winced when she realized what she had said, and to whom. "Oh…er, sorry."

Carlisle smiled kindly. "I live with Emmett. I'm used to profanity."

"Still, sorry. I shouldn't be…I really appreciate you coming here, especially since Edward didn't explain anything over the phone."

"Alice," Edward said, as though that explained everything.

Carlisle nodded. "What was it you wanted my help with, Bella?"

Bella looked down at Diane. It was so strange seeing her lying so still, empty of movement, and life. She almost expected her to sit upright, and laugh at the surprised look on Bella's face, giggling over such an elaborate practical joke.

"It's Diane," Bella said softly. "I'm used to looking after her when she's hurt, but this is way beyond me. We need a doctor."

Carlisle looked over at Edward, who shook his head.

"I've looked over Diane's chart," Carlisle said, a frown marking his forehead. "They're looking after her well."

"Oh, I know," Bella said quickly. "They've been brilliant."

Carlisle's eyes were steady, but confused as they met hers. "I'm happy to be here, Bella, and I'll always give help if you ask it, but I'm not sure what you want me to do."

Bella stared at Carlisle for an insultingly long time. It took all of the tattered self-control she had left not to say something extremely rude. _He'll give me help whenever I ask for it?_ she thought mutinously. _Where was he eight years ago, when I _really_ needed his help?_

Carlisle frowned, looking suddenly wary. "Did I say something wrong, Bella?"

Bella forced a smile. She couldn't afford to seem resentful or hurt, because she desperately needed Carlisle's help now. She couldn't risk offending him. "No, 'course not, I'm just tired. Nothing to do with you."

"Bella," Edward said softly. He was looking at her in a horribly understanding and sympathetic way that told her that he knew _exactly_ what she was thinking. "I told you before, _I _was the one that…"

"Yeah, whatever, it doesn't matter anymore," she interrupted quickly, trying to sound dismissive. It shouldn't still feel like a betrayal—of course Carlisle would do whatever Edward wanted, even if it meant hurting her. He was Edward's father, his _sire_, and she was just a human girl the family had picked up for a few months. Carlisle had always been nice and polite, but he hadn't cared for her like she had grown to care for him. He already had two daughters; why would he need another? It hadn't been the first time someone had refused to fight for her, and she knew it wouldn't be the last. She knew that Carlisle had never owed her anything. She had never been a part of his family—Edward had made sure of that.

"Bella, dear, you really do look awfully pale," Esme crooned, linking her fingers with Bella's to get her attention. "Don't you think she looks pale, Carlisle?"

"I'm fine, seriously," Bella said with strained patience, gently tugging herself from Esme's grip. "I think we've gone off topic. We were talking about Diane?"

Carlisle nodded, but his frown remained, and he turned the chart over in his hands absent-mindedly, almost like how an agitated human would fidget. "What's the problem, Bella?"

She really wished he would stop saying her name like that, so affectionately. She couldn't stand dishonesty. "The thing is, Diane's…different. She's very strong, and once she starts to heal, her body will recover very quickly. We can't let her stay here once she starts to repair herself, because we can't risk questions, and we can't let the doctors experiment on her once they become curious. I don't know how long it will take for her to wake up, but once she does, we need to get her out of here. You're the only person I could think of to help us with this."

Carlisle gave her a long, measured look. She held his gaze steadily. It felt like a test.

"She is human," Edward said quietly, obviously responding to Carlisle's thoughts. "Just…more."

Bella shook her head rather bitterly. "That's certainly one way of looking at it." She suddenly gripped the sides of the bed as a wave of dizziness overwhelmed her.

Edward was immediately by her side; his hand moved towards hers, but he didn't touch her.

"You should go to the hotel and get some sleep," he suggested. "We'll be able to keep her safe."

"She'll be frightened if she wakes up and I'm not here," Bella protested.

"I'll call you if anything happens," he promised.

"I should stay and help you explain."

"Bella." He moved closer to her, his voice so low she could barely hear him. "You're tired, and it's making you upset. I'll be fine on my own. You should get some rest."

Bella hesitated. She knew Edward was right, but she felt as though she couldn't admit it, because it would ultimately be admitting a weakness, something he could use against her.

Bella shook her head. Great, now she was being paranoid. She just needed to start hallucinating and she'd be full-blown crazy. Wacko. Off her head. Fruit loops. Bats in the belfry. Christ, she really needed to get some sleep.

"Tell me if anything changes," she told Edward. "Anything at all."

He nodded, smiling reassuringly, but something was wrong with his expression. She saw something horribly raw and painful flash across his face as his eyes cut to Esme, and felt it pierce her chest like a knife. She really didn't want to know what Esme was thinking.

Suddenly, she wanted nothing more than to leave right now.

"I'll be back soon; it's so nice to see you two again." An idea struck her as she walked past Carlisle to leave the room, and she stopped. "Thanks so much for your help, Carlisle," she said, holding out her hand for him to shake. He looked slightly confused at the formality, but took her hand anyway. She heard Edward laugh softly, as she gripped his hand as tightly as she could.

Briefly registering the shock on Carlisle's beautiful pale face, Bella escaped from the room.

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><p><strong>AN: What do you think? Do you think Bella has good reason to be upset with Carlisle and Esme, or is she just being grumpy and unfair? Let me know.**


	17. Tell Me Why

**Disclaimer: Same as ever. Nothing you recognize is mine**

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><p>She wasn't quite ready to wake up yet, so the sound of someone pounding on her door really pissed her off.<p>

"Get the door, Zoya," she mumbled angrily into her pillow. "It's probably for you, anyway."

Instead of the bitchy reply she expected, the asshole outside her room hammered with even more urgency.

Swearing to herself, Bella dragged herself upright.

It took her a long moment to realize that the bed was far too comfortable, the room far too big, and, actually, she had left Nepal four years ago. It took her another long moment to remember exactly where she was. She had barely glanced at the hotel room before she fell onto the bed and forgot about the world.

It was a nice room; ordinary and soulless like any hotel, but clean and comfortable. With a twist of her heart, she noticed that there were two beds. One for herself and one for Diane. She wondered whether Alice and Jasper had waited until Diane survived the surgery before booking this room, or if they'd simply been hopeful.

"Calm down, I'm coming," Bella growled at the door, attempting to pat down her hair as her other hand unlocked the door.

The door flung wide open and she found herself crushed against what felt like a brick wall. She struggled against strong arms, the scent of vampire filling her nostrils and causing her heart to constrict. Tired, confused and starting to panic, Bella twisted out of the hold and stumbled away. Breathing unsteadily, Bella looked up at her assailant and immediately sighed in relief and irritation.

She pointed at him accusatorily, her finger shaking slightly. "Jesus…fuck! You scared the shit out of me, Emmett!"

Emmett looked completely unrepentant. In fact he looked disturbingly gleeful, as though her reaction amused him greatly. "You all right there, darling? Need a minute?"

Bella glared at him, but nodded vaguely as she concentrated on getting her heart rate back to normal. Did the Cullens get their jollies out of appearing out of nowhere and freaking her the hell out? As a general rule, Bella didn't do well with change. Despite her fantastical life, she was a creature of habit. Having people from her past jumping out of the woodwork was starting to become seriously disturbing.

"Right." Bella collected herself and turned to Emmett, who—she was both irritated and amused to see—still had the same massive, cheeky grin in place. "Hi, Emmett, how are you?"

Emmett laughed loudly and reached forward, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her excitedly, and rather roughly. "My girl, Bella! This is so awesome! Alice has been telling us all about you, and I couldn't wait to find out if she's completely schizo."

"And you thought the best way to test this would be by crushing me half to death?" Bella asked, swatting his hands away.

"You know me, I live life on the edge. How strong _are _you? Go on, punch me as hard as you can. Right here, dare you."

Bella laughed ruefully. Once the shock of his arrival wore off, Bella remembered that she was still exhausted. His enthusiasm made her want to crawl back into bed and hibernate. "You have way too much energy for me right now. A little respect for the dead, please?"

Emmett barked a laugh. "Come back to me when you're _really_ dead, and maybe I'll have a little more sympathy. Anyway, I've given you plenty of time to relax. It's time to join the rest of the world."

"I haven't been asleep that long. What time is it?"

"About nine."

"In the evening?"

Emmett grinned, looking like the cheeky giant she remembered, dimples working to full effect. "Morning."

"Nine o'clock in the _morning_?" she asked, suddenly flustered. "Have you heard anything from the hospital?"

"Nothing at all, but as soon as you get ready we'll be off. Into the shower with you, stinky."

"I don't have any…"

"In there," Emmett said, nodding his head toward the chest of drawers, making his curly hair fall over his forehead. "We picked your stuff up last night. What's with all the geeky t-shirts? Oh, I wouldn't look at the labels on them if I were you."

Too late. Alice had apparently decided that all of her underwear needed replacing, which, okay, maybe they did, but Bella had actually heard of that store, and she had a vague idea of how much items cost there. There was no excuse for spending that much on things that—by definition—were worn _under_ clothes.

To make up for the beautiful lingerie, Bella found her scraggliest Tardis t-shirt and a pair of faded black jeans. She was somewhat surprised that Alice hadn't burnt all of her old clothes.

"I didn't know you were coming here," Bella said as she disappeared into the bathroom, shutting the door on Emmett's eternal grin. As she stripped out of her clothes, she brought her shirt up to her nose. Emmett had been right, she _was_ stinky. "I guess Rosalie's here, too?"

"'Course she is," Emmett said expansively. "If I go somewhere, she follows. She can't do without me—like a lost little puppy."

"Yeah, right." Bella snorted. "I dare you to say that to her face."

She turned the shower on and waited for the water to turn hot, letting her fingers drift under the spray.

"Maybe later," Emmett muttered. Bella could perfectly imagine the look of barely concealed fear on his face. It was a look she used to know well, and which never failed to amuse her. Then again, she couldn't blame him; Rosalie used to scare the crap out of her as well. "Carlisle told us that Edward thought there was trouble. There's no way I could say no to that. He wasn't lying either, was he? It seems like the years haven't made you any less of a trouble magnet."

"No, he wasn't lying," Bella murmured, stepping into the bath tub and letting the hot water run down her face.

"It'll be good to see him again. God, I've missed that moody fu—are we allowed to swear in front of you now?"

"What do you mean, '_allowed_'?"

"Edward never let us swear in front of you. Used to threaten us with a manner of ungodly…Hey, they have _Troll Hunter_ on pay per view. I love that film! Those trolls are nasty bastards. I bet they'd put up a better fight than a grizzly." A series of thuds from the other room ended with the sound of something breaking, but Bella was too distracted by the absurdity of what Emmett had just said to be concerned about broken hotel furniture.

"He would _threaten_ you so that you wouldn't _swear_ in front of me?" Bella asked, indignant. "I wasn't a child!"

"Yeah, but that's Edward for you. Personally, I thought it was damn hypocritical of him, because he was the worst of us."

"Edward? Edward doesn't swear."

"Not in front of you, he didn't. Around you, he's Miss Manners, but when it's just us, and he gets in a strop, it's f-bombs all over the place. I've missed his tantrums. The house is way too quiet without them. Less funny, too."

Bella paused, a trail of shampoo tickling the side of her face. The idea of Edward swearing was strangely…well, best not to think about that.

"You must have been happy to see him again, as well," Emmett said slyly.

"I'm still a little shocked by the whole thing," Bella mumbled evasively. "I'll get back to you on that one."

Reluctantly, she turned off the shower, missing the heat of the water immediately. She wrapped a towel around herself and searched the free hotel toiletries for body lotion.

"You've changed quite a bit, you know," Emmett said in a voice that tried to keep the levity of their conversation, but couldn't quite manage it. "You used to be terrible at keeping secrets. Now look at you, lying as well as the rest of us."

Bella stared at the door in shock. "Hey now, where the hell did _that_ come from?"

"I didn't mean it in a bad way, Bella. You're not a normal human now. You know the importance of keeping things secret, not telling anyone more than you absolutely have to. I know what Edward did was wrong, but I thought you, of all people, would be able to be understand."

"I really don't want to talk about this right now."

"I know you don't," Emmett said, something quite hard in his voice. "And no one has the guts to bring it up, because of everything that's happening. The way I heard it was—and correct me if I'm wrong, because I _did_ hear this second hand—a couple nights ago Edward spilled his heart out to you, and all you did was tell him to leave. Is that right?"

Bella had dressed whilst Emmett had been talking, but she stayed in the bathroom and rested her forehead against the door. She had never known Emmett quite as well as she would have liked to, but she had always known he was more than just the joker. Edward had told her once that he loved Emmett's company because he never thought anything he wouldn't say out loud. She should have known that, of all of them, he would be the one to question her like this.

"Emmett, I…" She knew she couldn't lie to him, even through a door, so she just stopped talking.

"So, it's true," he said. "Don't you think he deserves to know what you're feeling?"

Suddenly angry, Bella slammed the palm of her hand against the door, making it shudder. "Why? Why does he deserve that? He never explained before. He lied to me, he made me think he didn't love me, and now suddenly _I'm _the bad guy?"

"So you're punishing him?"

Her anger left as suddenly as it had appeared. "No, of course I'm not," she whispered.

"Yeah, that was a silly thing to say. Are you ready?"

Taking a deep breath, Bella opened the door, running her hands through her hair. After getting her fingers trapped in an impenetrable knot, Bella grabbed a hair band from the bedside table and threw her wet hair into a messy ponytail.

Emmett waited until Bella could meet his gaze before smiling softly and saying, "Let's make tracks, kid." She couldn't help but laugh.

Leading the way out of the room and down the hallway, Emmett knocked on a room about five doors down from hers. She knew it wouldn't make much difference with vampire hearing, but she liked to imagine that she might be able to get a little bit of privacy.

"Come on babe," Emmett called out. "Time to go."

Smooth pale skin, long limbs, toned muscles, thick shiny hair…the tropes of vampiric beauty had ceased to impress Bella a long time ago. Maybe it was because she had known Rosalie before she connected vampires with death, or maybe it was just because she was so crazy beautiful that the vampire traits were actually background to her natural looks, but Bella suddenly found herself wishing that she had run a brush through her hair.

"Hello, Rosalie," Bella said casually, trying not to sound intimidated. She had met scarier vampires than Rosalie Hale. She just couldn't think of any when Rosalie was looking at her like that.

"Hello, Bella," she said in an impressively disinterested tone.

Emmett raised his eyebrows in a universal _be nice_ warning, which she promptly ignored. It was comforting, in a way, to see that some people just didn't change.

Emmett seemed to think that he could diffuse the residual tension by being as loud and energetic as possible. Bella nodded and smiled along, more amused by Rosalie's eye rolls and loud sighs than Emmett's rather theatrical reenactment of what she thought was a Monty Python sketch.

When they reached the hospital, Emmett threw an arm around Bella's shoulder, and said, "You never answered my question earlier. How strong are you? Superman strong or Spiderman strong?"

"I'm not going to hit you, Emmett," Bella sighed.

"I will," Rosalie said, flipping her golden hair back, causing a man by the reception desk to trip over his own feet.

"I already know how strong _you_ are, baby," he said quickly. He withdrew his arm and touched Bella's bicep lightly. "Did you feel that?"

"Just about. I think Diane's room is this way."

Emmett poked her in the same spot with more pressure. "What about that? That would hurt a normal person."

"No, it doesn't hurt."

He poked her again. "That one?"

"No, stop poking me."

"Seriously? That should have broken your arm. How about that?"

"Emmett, you need to stop poking me now."

"I can't believe this! Are you sure that doesn't hurt? What about that one?"

"Stop it!"

"Come on, this has to hurt!"

Furious, Bella spun quickly to face him, grabbing his finger as it came toward her in what looked like a particularly vicious jab. She bent his finger back until he stopped talking and started making strange little grunting noises.

"You poke me one more time and I'll twist your finger off and shove it so far up your nose you'll be able to tickle your brain."

Bella released him, and Emmett cradled his finger with a look of hyperbolic fear on his face.

"Yes, sir, ma'am, lady. No more poking. Gotcha."

She immediately felt bad, even though she knew he was mostly joking. "Sorry, I've developed a bit of a short fuse."

"Nothing wrong with that."

Bella turned to stare at Rosalie in surprise. She flashed Bella what could possibly have been a smile. Was the key to Rosalie's heart really threatening physical harm to her husband? Or was she just surprised that Bella had the guts to give as good as she got? Bella smirked to herself. Well, if it was the latter, she had a lot more where that came from.

They reached Diane's room, and Bella held back to let Emmett and Rosalie greet their brother.

Emmett was practically a blur as he crossed the room, enveloping a grinning Edward in a crushing bear hug. They let go after a few long moments, and Emmett smacked Edward hard on the back, causing him to stagger forward.

"Edward, bro, it's damn good to see you. Come here," Emmett bellowed, grabbing him for another hug. Bella couldn't stop smiling at them. She glanced at Rosalie and saw that she was only barely suppressing a smirk. She rolled her eyes in annoyance when she caught Bella's eye.

Edward's eyes were shining with delight when he finally managed to disengage himself from Emmett's grip.

"Emmett, it's good to see you, too."

Emmett laughed. "You really are Miss Manners, aren't you?

"Miss…what?" Edward asked, bewilderment creasing his brow.

Bella felt her face burn red as she examined her nails.

"Emmett," Edward growled warningly.

"Still grumpy as well, I see. I missed that. There's been so much less drama since you left."

Edward shook his head, but looked amused. "Seriously, how have you been?"

"Same as ever. Me and Rose went off for a few years, took an extended honeymoon in South Africa. She really took to the lions, didn't you, babe? Could barely drag her back."

"You've remembered I'm here, have you?" Rosalie asked haughtily.

Edward smiled apologetically. "Sorry, Rose. How are you?"

"Don't bother asking if you don't want to know the answer."

Surprisingly, Edward broke into a large smile. "I've missed you, too."

Rosalie crossed her arms and shot him a glare that would have caused a normal person to hide, whimpering in a corner. "I haven't missed _that_."

Edward just laughed.

Emmett pointed theatrically to Diane, drawing the room's attention in a desperate attempt to divert a fight. "So this is Diane, then? Doesn't look too good, does she? Though I guess after what she went through she looks damn peachy. Hello, Diane," he said loudly, bending over her as though she had just trouble hearing instead of being in a coma. "I'm Emmett. I'm one of the good guys, okay? _Good. Guy_. So no attacking. Got it? Yeah, she's got it."

Something warm blossomed in Bella's chest. If she had ever doubted that Diane would be fine, it dissipated as Emmett talked to her as though she could understand. She almost expected Diane to wake up that very moment and respond.

Emmett raised his hand and brushed his fingers against his neck in what Bella could have taken as a casual gesture, if she hadn't seen many vampires do it before while they were hunting.

"You don't have to stay if you feel uncomfortable," she said gently. "I know a hospital can't be the easiest place for you to be."

Emmett turned to her in shock, but his face quickly dissolved into another cheeky grin. "You really do see everything now, don't you? I'm going to have to watch myself around you."

"Don't be silly. You're one of the good guys, remember?"

"We try our best, and sometimes that involves running away. You okay to go, Rose? We need to make sure no one gets too _uncomfortable_."

_Bastard_, Bella thought weakly as Emmett threw her a wink, leaving her alone with Edward and an uncomfortable silence.

She crossed the room and studied Diane's face. She looked the same, but that didn't worry Bella too much. Most of the damage was inside of her, and her body would concentrate on healing that before it managed to clear away the cuts and bruises on her skin. She wished she could look inside of her and see how well she was fighting.

She brushed her hand against Diane's forehead and let herself concentrate on the heat coming from her skin. Emmett may have thought he was just making a throwaway comment, but it made Bella feel anxious. _Sometimes that involves running away_. Bella knew exactly what it felt like to run away from someone you loved for fear of hurting them. It's what she had been doing to Charlie for the past seven years. She hated that Emmett recognized her hypocrisies and threw them so casually into her face.

"Her heart rate has increased by six beats per minute," Edward said, interrupting her thoughts. "And her temperature has gone down slightly."

Bella smiled. "That's my girl."

Now that he had pointed it out, she did think she heard a difference in her heartbeat. It seemed stronger and less defeated. She let the sound of it smother her for a few moments, feeling her heart rate slow down to match Diane's.

"Did I hurt Emmett's feelings earlier?" Bella asked eventually. "You know, with the…when I threatened him? I couldn't tell if he was being serious."

Edward smiled at her reassuringly. "No, you didn't hurt his feelings. He was impressed with your imagination and wondered if it was actually possible."

"I wouldn't recommend trying it. I still feel bad, though. I didn't mean to snap at him."

"Bella, if Emmett couldn't handle being put down by strong women, how could he possibly be married to Rosalie?"

Her breath caught in her throat, and she quickly shook her hair to cover her face. He probably meant physically strong, but even so…the fact that Edward thought she was strong, that she was a _strong woman_, that she wasn't just the frail human to protect…damn if it didn't make her feel as though her heart was too big for her chest.

"I…um, got you something," Edward said awkwardly, as if her response surprised him in some way. "Just some books from downstairs. There wasn't much choice if you don't like Danielle Steel."

"That's great, thanks," Bella said, reaching for the carrier bag Edward had picked up off the floor. She waited, confused why he hadn't moved to give them to her, when she noticed that he had frozen, his eyes locked on the arm extended toward him.

Embarrassed, Bella drew her arm back, but he was suddenly in front of her, his hand wrapping loosely around her right forearm, his gaze burning the skin there.

It took Bella a long, puzzled moment before she realized that she hadn't worn a short-sleeved top around him since he came back. It was always her long white blouse for the restaurant, or a hoodie or jacket over the top of a t-shirt. He hadn't seen the scars littering the skin of her arms, but he saw them now, and his face looked softly devastated as he took them in.

"You used to have a scar, right here," he muttered, running his thumb over the soft flesh below her wrist. She barely contained a shudder.

"From falling off my bike. They went when I changed. The one that James left is the only one that stayed."

She wished she hadn't said his name, because Edward's eyes darkened even more. Part of her wanted to move away from him, to break contact with his skin, but she found she couldn't move. His hand drifted up her arm to cup her elbow, and her fingers found his bicep, trailing under the sleeve of his t-shirt.

_This isn't fair. Let_ _go_.

"When did you get this?" he asked, his index finger tracing a scar on the inside of her elbow. It was the biggest scar she had, rough and ragged, about the size of a business card.

"Number twelve," she whispered. He was so close that anything louder would have been disturbing. "The one that got away."

"Do you remember where all of these came from?"

"Not all of them. This one's special."

"Special" wasn't quite the right word. She could never forget where that scar came from because she could never forget the pain that resulted from it. She had felt the scorching venom burning up her arm, like she had been thrown in a bonfire. She thought that the bite was large enough to change her; she had been almost sick with terror.

She had pushed the vampire away, expecting him to come back at her, teeth bared, bloodlust black in his eyes. Instead, he had stopped, stared at her, shaking, shocked, and ran away. He had been an old vampire, and his fear of a powerful human who continued to fight, even after she had been bitten, was stronger than his desire for blood.

She hadn't even thought about chasing after him. She had phoned Diane, who picked her up in a taxi, and they waited all night to see if the pain got worse, wondering what they would do if it did.

Edward's hand tightened around her arm. He looked tortured, as though he knew exactly what she was thinking. His eyes were dark as they caught hers. She couldn't look away; she felt like an insect trapped in the liquid amber of his eyes. She felt as small as her own reflection, as though just looking at him would cause her to diminish to a point and vanish.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he breathed, his air brushing her skin.

"You don't…"

"I know you think it doesn't mean anything," he interrupted gently. "And you don't want to hear it, but I have to tell you. I am so sorry that I left you. I'm sorry that you were alone for this. I'm sorry I didn't trust you, and I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough. If you can't forgive me, or love me, at least can you accept that I'm sorry? Because it does mean something."

She felt light-headed, and it was only his hand around her arm and his dark amber stare that kept her breathing and standing.

"I know that you're sorry." _I'm sorry I'm not brave enough, as well._

Something in his face relaxed, and he nodded ever so slightly.

"Why does it mean so much to you?" she wondered.

His gaze flickered almost imperceptibly to her mouth.

"If you know I'm sorry, then you know I'm not lying to you. So you know I love you. You should know that you're always loved, Bella."

His words both consoled and devastated her. She felt her heart pulse, but it was an empty feeling, as though she had been hollowed out and her heart was echoing in an empty cave. She needed him to say more, stop talking, bring his lips closer, and let her run away.

Suddenly, he looked away and took a step back, his hand brushing her skin as it left her arm, as if saying goodbye. She took a deep breath, as though she had been holding it underwater.

"I didn't mean to…" Carlisle's voice came uncertainly from the doorway.

"It's fine," Edward said rather sharply.

Distracting herself quickly, Bella picked up the bag Edward left on the bed and folded herself into a surprisingly comfortable armchair. She tucked her legs underneath her and pulled out the books.

As she read the blurbs of two of the books—putting Austen's _Pride and Prejudice_ away on Diane's bedside table—she said, "Hello, Carlisle," in as casual a voice as she could manage.

"Hello, Bella. Did you sleep well?"

"I slept long," she said, but realized she sounded irritable, so she glanced up at him and smiled. "Where's Esme?"

"She's gone hunting with the others. They want to be as safe as possible for when we take Diane away."

"Didn't you want to go?" she asked Edward, thinking of his dark eyes and what he had been through the day before.

"It can wait."

Bella looked away, fiddling with the pages of one of the books.

"So, did Edward fill you in on what's happening?"

Carlisle looked at her in surprise, and she belatedly realized he was having a silent conversation with Edward.

"He did," Carlisle said smoothly. "Your story is quite amazing, Bella."

"You've really never heard of us? Not even a whisper?"

He smiled slightly. "I once met a nomad while I was living in Volterra, who told me a mad story. She said that she had come to ask the Volturi for help. Apparently, she had been attacked by a human with incredible strength, a human that had come close to killing her until she managed to overpower him. She claimed that there was a subspecies of humans that hunted vampires and that we needed to exterminate them to ensure our safety. Naturally, I didn't believe her."

"Naturally," Bella repeated, smiling.

"She requested a meeting with the Volturi leaders, and they rejected her story. Aro read her mind and declared her insane. I would never have believed him capable of lying about something as threatening as this."

"Yes, well, Aro would rather keep his own ass safe than have vampires know about us."

Carlisle pulled a chair up next to her and sat down, his brow slightly furrowed. "Yes, Edward said you had a threat over Aro's head. Is it about Didyme?"

Bella blinked. "Possibly."

"Many have told Marcus that Aro had a hand in her death, but he will never believe it."

Bella breathed a laugh. Carlisle was more perceptive that she thought. "Yes, but no one ever had _proof_, did they?"

"How could there be proof for something like that?"

Bella shook her head, smiling.

Carlisle obviously realized that that line of inquiry wasn't going anywhere, so he quickly diverted. "How many slayers are there in the world? Do you know?"

"I don't know exactly, because it changes all the time, but it oscillates at around three hundred and fifty."

"That's fewer than I thought."

"That's slayers I'm talking about. There are lots more potentials, you know, people who go through the change but decide not to fight. The three years I was at the Academy, twenty people came, but only twelve decided to complete training."

"What physiological changes do you go through when you become a potential? It must be more than just strength."

Bella grinned at him, recognizing Carlisle's doctor face from when he had patched her up, all those years ago. "You want to do some experiments on me, doc?"

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude."

"Don't worry, you're not. The strength happened quite suddenly, but the rest of our changes happened gradually and sometimes only with training. Our senses are heightened in comparison to other humans—our eyesight, hearing and sense of smell. We heal very quickly and we don't scar, except for vampire venom. We all have a shield from supernatural talents, which we can control. Oh, and Alice said that my scent changed, but I don't know why that is."

"It's interesting," he said, staring at her like she was a text book he couldn't quite understand. "Your healing abilities and shielding seem to be a defense specifically for vampires. It sounds like…your people are a reaction to vampire existence."

"Yes, well, that's the theory," Bella mumbled uncomfortably.

"Theory? You don't agree?"

Bella chewed her lip. "I don't know. We have our myths, like everyone I guess, about why we are what we are. It always sounded like propaganda to me."

"What do you mean 'propaganda'?"

"We were told, when we were at the Academy, that we were created, or we evolved, whatever, to fight vampires—that our abilities exist solely to kill them. That idea was woven through everything we learnt there, even in the language we used. We use the word 'slayer' to name ourselves, and those that don't fight but have the strength, we call them 'potentials,' as if they're not fully real, or they're not doing what they should. But I always thought, if this is our destiny—another word that got bandied around way too often—then wouldn't we be stronger? If it's natural for us to fight vampires, why should we have to train for so long just so we have something of an equal footing? And why would so many of us refuse to dedicate our lives to it? On average, only about half of us complete training. If it was our destiny, wouldn't it be inescapable? It doesn't seem to me like this is what we were made to do, just something we chose because we wanted to."

She hadn't meant to say all of that—she hadn't planned to say much of anything at all. Bella felt the blood rush to her face as she kept her gaze fixated on her folded hands on her lap. She could feel both of their eyes on her and wished they would look away. She suddenly felt acutely embarrassed, as though she had admitted to something illicit.

"You wanted to?"

Unwillingly, Bella's eyes snapped to Edward. She tried to defiantly stare him down, but the intensity in his gaze was impossible to match. She stared at her hands and thought carefully about what she wanted to say; whether she wanted to lie, or tell the truth.

"That's…" she mumbled, struggling to say something honest, without giving something important away. "I don't know, maybe that's the wrong word."

Edward leaned forward, and she instinctively sat back in her chair, maintaining the distance between them.

"What would be the right word?" he asked quietly.

She pressed her lips together, but the words came out against her will. "I had to."

Edward's eyes widened in what looked like horror. "Did they make you—"

"No. No, no, no," Bella said quickly. "That's not what I meant at all. They never made me do anything, I never _wanted_ to do anything…but I still had to. I don't know," she said, suddenly brisk. "What does it matter? It's done. We weren't even talking about me, we were talking about slayers."

Carlisle had watched their brief exchange closely, a tiny frown of concern or confusion etched on his forehead. When Bella turned toward him in supplication, he cleared his expression and said, "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm afraid we're being intrusive."

Bella shrugged, and her lips curved in a tiny smirk that didn't quite reach her eyes. "It's fine, Carlisle. You've found out about a group of people that you didn't know existed. Of course you're going to be interested. We're a freaky bunch."

Carlisle's mouth opened in subtle surprise. "I don't think of you as an oddity, Bella. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression."

"It's fine. I wouldn't blame you even if you did. I'm going to go grab some breakfast," she said, standing up and checking her jeans pocket for some change. "I'll be back in a minute. Not literally. I'll be back soon."

Bella turned and hurried out of the room. She ran a hand over her face and felt the sweat that had formed on her forehead. She shouldn't have let their innocent questions affect her that way. She didn't know why they had upset her so much.

_I had to_.

She shuddered. It had been weighing on her mind more than usual recently: the choice she had made to become a slayer, to fulfill her 'potential'. She wondered if it had been right, if she could have made any other choice, if there was any way that she could reverse it. She went back and forth, unable to decide fully on any point. But when she stopped thinking and depended solely on her gut, she knew that the answer to all of those questions was 'no'. It had never been the right thing to do, but it had been the _only_ thing to do. She couldn't stop now, because that would negate everything that she had ever done, would mean that she had ruined her life for nothing, that she had _killed_ for nothing.

When she reached the cafeteria, Bella looked around for the little boy she had entertained the day before with her magic trick. He wasn't there. She felt relieved. Maybe the boy could escape where she couldn't. Maybe his grief had ended. She took comfort in this stranger's imaginary respite, because she knew that she could never take comfort in her own.

This was what she had chosen. This was what she had never wanted. This had always been the only way.

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><p><strong>AN: Poor Bella. Sometimes I just want to give her a hug. Then I realize that I'm doing this to her, and really her hardship is all my doing. Then I laugh. **

**So, the whole of the Cullen clan is in New York. Who's your favorite family member? Who do you want to see more of? Whose character do you want fleshed out a bit more? I might be encouraged to take requests.**


	18. Sleepless In Seattle

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

**A/N: I know, it's been way too long, and I have no real excuse. I have now finished uni completely (yaay!) and it's been a very strange month. But I promise that I will make more effort to update and write more often. **

**Also, good news, I finally have two amazing betas, BelleDean and evelyn-shaye. It took a while to find a great fit for this story, and I'm so relieved and grateful that I stumbled upon you two. Thank you for sorting out my commas and all my grammatical messes. I will try to get better, but I can't promise anything. Commas are _hard_.**

* * *

><p>They hadn't talked in hours, and Bella was grateful. She curled herself back into the armchair, concentrating on the words on the page in front of her, and allowed herself to get lost in someone else's messed up mind for a change.<p>

After a while, she let her gaze to drift from the book and to Edward. He was sitting in a plastic chair on the other side of Diane's bed, appearing to read the newspaper, but his eyes didn't move and he hadn't turned the page in a long time. He was focusing on something, though, because his eyebrows were pushed together in a frown and his jaw was clenched.

She felt safe studying him while he was far away in his thoughts. The contradictions of his face took her breath away. The heavy bruising beneath his eyes contrasted dramatically against his pale white skin, the angles of his jaw and cheekbones sharp in comparison to his long eyelashes and soft lips, his still expression intense against the messy chaos of his hair. He looked so young, like the teenager that had died so long ago, but she could see the hundred years of loneliness and secrets in the tense set of his shoulders and his dark stare.

She forced herself to look away, because seeing Edward sad and lost hurt her in incredible ways. She remembered what he looked like when he laughed, in that moment, only days ago, before everything went wrong. She remembered how happy his happiness had made her. Could it really be that simple?

Her breath caught in her throat as her drifting eyes zeroed in on the front page of the paper Edward was reading.

_No, it's never simple, not around you. Don't be so selfish._

"Can I see that paper?" she asked urgently.

His gaze sharpened on her as he drew his thoughts away from wherever they had been. Silently, he held out the newspaper, and Bella practically snatched it from his hand.

**Seattle Terrorized by Slayings**

She skimmed through the article quickly, unable to believe her eyes. Over the past three months, thirty-nine people had been killed. All of the corpses found were burned beyond recognition, their bodies crushed and mangled.

How on earth hadn't she heard about this before? She read the article again. It had started off slow, with five burned corpses found in the first month, then eleven in the second, twenty-three in the last ten days. They didn't want to think of it as a single serial killer, but rather as a depraved gang or cult. Of course they didn't—how could one person be responsible for so much violence without leaving a single shred of evidence at the scenes?

Bella knew that they were right. This wasn't the work of one killer. She couldn't guess at how many were involved now. The article mentioned disappearances, but it didn't say how many.

_This doesn't make any sense._

"Can I use your phone?" she asked Edward, her eyes stuck on the last line of the article.

**Something hideous is stalking Seattle_._**

_You're not kidding_.

"Is something wrong?" Edward asked, fishing his phone out of his pocket and passing it to her.

"You could say that," she mumbled. "Did you read this?"

He glanced at the paper in her hand. "The murders in Seattle? You think it's a vampire."

"Vampires. Plural. I don't understand why…I need to call someone. I'll be back in a minute."

"You can use phones in here."

_No chance. I have a funny feeling you wouldn't like to listen in on this call._

"Nah, I'll go downstairs. I need some fresh air. Don't worry, I won't go wandering off."

She let the newspaper fall from her hands and onto Diane's bed. For a long moment, she couldn't tear her eyes from the front page. Shaking herself, she abruptly turned and left the room.

Bella found the entrance surprisingly quickly and sat herself down on a bench just outside. She took a deep breath before dialing his number. She wasn't nervous exactly, but she couldn't say she was looking forward to talking to him, either.

"Bella Swan," his voice drawled after the first ring. "What a dubious pleasure."

"I think you mean 'unparalleled,'" she shot back. She hadn't seen him in two years, but it was easy to fall back into this routine. It only made matters worse that the memory of their last meeting kept intruding, and it made her feel self-conscious and defensive.

"Of course I did. I'm sorry, my English not so good."

"Shut up, your English is better than mine."

"Yes, but you're an American, so it can't be helped_._" He chuckled, as if he could see her rolling her eyes through the phone. "So, baby, what's up?"

She sighed heavily. _Here we go_. "Don't call me 'baby,' Dwaipayan_._"

"I won't call you 'baby' if you don't call me 'Dwaipayan'_._"

"That's a deal, _Dan_."

"You know, it's funny, I was just thinking about you."

"Were you?" she asked flatly.

"I was thinking about the reunion. Do you remember?"

"It was two years ago—my memory's not that bad."

"That was really fun. We should do it again some time."

"Yeah, that'd be nice, I guess. Look, I was wondering if you could tell me about…"

"Or, you know, you could just come over here and we wouldn't have to worry about organizing everyone else. I bet you could do with a break. You always work so hard_._"

"I don't think so, Dan."

"Why not? It would be nice. You and me—just like old times_._"

"This isn't a cross-country booty call," Bella snapped. God, he was an annoying bastard sometimes. "I actually called you about something serious."

"Serious? You? I refuse to believe it."

"I'm all about the serious these days," she said wryly.

"You know what you need? A holiday, all expenses paid_._"

"Are you suggesting I prostitute myself to you in return for airfare, rich boy?"

"'Prostitute' is such an ugly word, Bella. You really like to take the romance out of everything, don't you?" She could hear the laughter in his voice, and despite herself, she smiled. Dwaipayan was probably the least romantic person she had ever met in her life. That's why he had been so perfect for her.

"Yes, I do. Now…"

"Why won't you accept a video chat_?_" he asked petulantly. "I want to see you."

"I keep pressing 'accept', but it doesn't work," she said, pressing the 'decline' button for the fourth time. "It must be fate."

"Ah, it doesn't matter," he said in a wistful voice that made her slightly concerned. "I remember what you look like_._"

"Good for you."

"Yeah, all I have to do is close my eyes, and look, there you are! I can always picture you perfectly, especially that time we_…_"

Bella hurriedly hung up, shaking her head and laughing ruefully. Dwaipayan's crude sense of humor did get irritating quickly, but he always managed to make her laugh. He wasn't afraid of making an idiot of himself.

She phoned him again, pursing her lips.

"_You know_," he said, a barely suppressed laugh evident in his voice. "The way you hung up there made it sound like I was going to say something _really_ dirty_._"

Bella snorted. "I'm sure it was going to be completely innocent and sweet."

"It was! I was going to say that whenever I think of you, I always picture you at the lake, after the sun had gone down and we were looking at the stars_._"

Bella frowned. "What lake?"

"What do you mean, 'what lake?'" he asked indignantly. "You know, the lake. The one in the valley on the other side of the hills_._"

"We never went there together, Dan."

"Shit, are you sure?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Damn. Who the hell was that, then? I'm confused because I thought of you the whole time."

She couldn't help it. She burst out laughing. "I think that came out creepier than you meant it to. If you messing around didn't bother me then, why the hell would it bother me now?"

There was a long silence. "Er…" he mumbled, sounding rather sheepish_._ "To be honest, I didn't think you…er, knew_._"

"Oh, you poor, naïve fool. Have I damaged your fragile male ego?"

"I'm sure it will recover," he said blithely. She was sure it would, too, if he had ever had one to begin with. "Now, did you call me for a reason, or was it just to tease me and shatter my pride?"

"Tell me about the newborns."

He paused again before answering, but this time the prolonged silence made her anxiously shift in her seat.

"You heard about that, did you?" he asked, a tension in his voice that she had never heard before.

"I read about it in the paper. What's going on?"

"Look," he said, suddenly testy. "I know you're just trying to be helpful, but I can handle this on my…oh, shit. Sorry, I forgot. Your dad lives in Forks, doesn't he?"

Her hand involuntarily curled into a fist on her leg. "Yes, he does."

"Don't worry, they're staying in Seattle. There haven't been any attacks anywhere else."

"Yes, but…it's _Seattle_."

"I know. I have no idea what's going on. At first, I thought it was just a couple out-of-control newborns making a nuisance, but recently, it's gotten really bad. It's almost like…well, it looks like someone's making an army_._"

Bella closed her eyes. "I just don't…"

"I know, believe me. I've tried tracking them down, but they keep moving. Any time I get a fix on their location, they've already moved on. There's been some infighting, and I've seen a couple of burnt-out fires that were definitely used for vampires, but the amount of murders and disappearances…I think we're looking at around twenty newborns_."_

"What about the other coven?"

"What do you mean?"

Bella sighed. "I mean: what about the other coven?"

"There is no other coven."

"There has to be. Vampires don't start newborn armies just for the hell of it. There has to be some other coven that they're preparing to fight."

"There is no other coven, Bella," he said, sounding irritated. "Trust me, I've looked. No vampire is coming near Seattle these days, and the only ones in the rest of Washington are just nomads passing through_._"

"What does Aabida say about it?"

"Um…I don't know."

Frustration and anger made Bella's skin prickle. "Damn it, Dan! I think she needs to be in on this. This has to be the most important activity in the Northwest right now. Call her in."

"I've tried calling her. She won't answer. No one's heard from her in months_._"

"Oh, God…I'm sorry."

"Yeah." The sadness in Dan's voice tugged at Bella's heart. She wished she were near him, just so she could give him a hug. Dan had never been as close to Aabida as Bella was to Diane because they hardly ever crossed paths; it was down to just the two of them to police Washington, Oregon and Idaho. But they were still partners, and it was still hard.

"I've called the Academy," he continued, trying to sound dismissive, and failing. "They said they'd send someone as soon as they passed the test, and they're looking to drag a couple of slayers from the country for back up, but…they know it'll take a lot more than that to take out an army of newborns. I think they're hoping the Volturi will step in and take it off our hands_._"

Damn. You knew it was bad if you depended on the Volturi for help.

"I'm surprised they haven't stepped in already," Bella said. "It's been three months now. Is there really no sign of them?"

"Nothing at all, and Octavia said there's no sign of them mobilizing_._"

Bella stood up and walked over to a little tree just beyond the entrance. She ran her fingers against the bark, debating with herself over what to do. She thought of Charlie and realized she had no choice, and anyway, it was not like they'd complain.

"Hey, Dan," she said slowly. "Did I ever tell you about a friend of mine called Jacob Black?"

"I think you may have mentioned him once, or twice, or all the bloody time."

"Well, that's definitely an exaggeration."

"No, it's definitely not_._"

Bella rubbed a hand over her face. She was almost impressed at how quickly Dan could regress to annoying child after a serious adult conversation.

"Right, well seeing as I talked about him _all the bloody time_, you'll know that he's a wolf shape-shifter and part of a pack at the Quileute reservation in Port Angeles. At the moment, there are nine of them in the pack, but two of them have moved away. Now, I'm not going to speak for them, but I'm pretty sure if you ask for help, they'll give it. Seattle is close to their land, and anyway, they're always itching for a fight."

"Seriously?" Dwaipayan tried to sound doubtful, but she could hear hope in his voice. "Do you really think they'd be willing to help?"

"I think they would, but you'd have to ask them. I'll give you Jake's number if you like, but you'll probably have to speak to Sam, 'cos he's the alpha."

"Couldn't you phone him? It'd be weird if I asked. I don't even know him."

"Don't be such a baby. You'll be fine."

"Honestly, Bella, I'd really rather you did it."

Bella leant her forehead against the narrow trunk of the tree and closed her eyes. "I don't want to talk to him right now."

Dan s s norted. "Did you fall out with the golden boy?"

Bella hesitated. "I…no, we haven't fallen out. I'd just rather not talk to him. Do me a favor, please. When you call him, don't tell him I said that.

"Girls," he muttered, like a curse. "Why do you always do that? If you're angry with someone, why don't you just come out with it? Why is it always mind games with you?"

Bella almost growled at him. "I'm not playing mind games, Dan, and it's really none of your business."

"Fine, fine, do whatever you like. Just know he can't make it up to you if he doesn't know he's done something wrong."

"You don't know what you're talking about, so shut up. Do you want his number or not?"

Dan was wise enough to meekly accept the phone number and hang up quickly after, keeping any stupid jokes or snide comments to himself. She knew that she should have called Jake and explained everything herself, but she didn't think she could talk to him without yelling at him for keeping Edward's appearance in Forks a secret from her. She couldn't believe that he would do something like that to her. She'd thought she c ould depend on him to be honest with her, but instead he'd lied a nd kept secrets and treated her like a child. No, she definitely didn't want to talk to him right now.

Bella sat back down on the bench, watching the world go by, wasting time before she had to go back inside. She made herself think of things that didn't involve Edward, because it scared her how much of her thoughts he took up. It seemed like, these days, every thought she had managed to lead back to him in some way or another.

It was surprisingly nice hearing Dwaipayan's voice, even if he did annoy her like hell. He had been one of the best things about the Academy. He had arrived a few months after she had, but she hadn't gotten to know him until well into the second year. Bella had refused to befriend anyone in her first year, convinced that she would be leaving soon, unwilling to get sucked into anything other than gaining control of her body.

Once she had decided—is that the right word?—to stay, Bella had made more of an effort to know people, because she'd realized that she couldn't survive the next two years without support.

Still, Dwaipayan wasn't someone she would have picked to get to know well. He was an average fighter, a joker, and most of what she knew about him were second-hand accounts from frustrated girls. He liked to have fun and wasn't particularly sensitive to the girls who wanted to turn him serious.

That was one of the reasons she got on with him so well. She didn't think that she wanted _anything_ with _any_ man, not after having her heart broken. She was irritated and scared when Dwaipayan pursued her so enthusiastically. After weeks of borderline sexual harassment, Bella had cornered him and told him, in no uncertain terms, that she was _not_ interested in seeing him, that she was flattered but she had already been messed around by men—_man_—enough for many lifetimes, so would he please cease and desist?

Dwaipayan had laughed loudly in her face. He told her that he had absolutely no interest in messing her around. He thought she was gutsy and funny and he wanted to get to know her better, and if that culminated in them having lots of sex, that would be fine with him.

She couldn't deny that his attention pleased her. She knew that he wanted nothing from her but her company and her body, and after months of knowing him, after months of laughing with him, feeling comfortable around him, realizing that actually this _could_ be just that simple, she slept with him.

It was reckless and unexpected, and she hadn't thought she would ever do that until she realized that actually, she had just done it. Sleeping with him had been interesting. She viewed her time with Dwaipayan as an experiment, wondering how he would react if she did _this_, wondering why _that_ felt so good, using him to explore parts of her that she didn't know existed. He didn't make her stomach flip, he didn't scare her, and he didn't love her, and it meant that she could do these things with him without embarrassment, with all the curiosity of an explorer discovering new lands.

_It wasn't quite as simple as that, though, _,, _was it_?

Bella sighed, knowing where her mind wanted to go, yet again. The first time she slept with Dwaipayan, it had happened so quickly she had barely thought of what she was doing. But afterwards, when she dragged her pants back on and straightened her top, the full reality of the situation crashed down on her.

She had had sex with someone. She had had sex with someone who wasn't Edward. She would never get the chance to find out what sex with Edward was like, ever.

When she started to cry, Dwaipayan was actually very sweet, asking her if he had hurt her, trying to wrap his arms around her. She couldn't explain through her sobs that she was grieving. By sleeping with him, she had accepted that she would never see Edward again and that he was really gone. It felt like she had lost him all over again.

Bella was surprised that Dwaipayan would want to be with her again after she freaked out, but he did. They were friends throughout their time at the Academy, they slept together occasionally, and they had fun. Every time she had sex with him, she felt Edward drift further and further away, and as terrifying as it was, she also felt a vindictive pleasure. If it was so easy for him to leave and forget all about her, then she would do everything she could to do the same.

She refused to feel guilty for trying to move on. She hadn't known that Edward still loved her, and she hadn't known that leaving her hurt him just as much as it did her. Did he really expect her to lock herself away in a tower, waiting and hoping that he'd come back to rescue her? She had had to rescue herself. It was something she was quite used to doing by now.

Bella jumped when the phone in her hand started buzzing, lost as she was in her indignant thoughts. She frowned when she saw Carlisle's name appear on the screen.

"Hello?" she answered, rather warily.

"Bella." She should have been used to the physical reaction her body had to Edward's voice, but it always managed to surprise her. "It's Diane. You need to get up here now."

"I'm coming."

Heart in her throat, Bella sprinted back into the hospital. She tried to make herself hopeful, telling herself that Edward would have said if it was something really bad. He hadn't sounded happy, though. Why hadn't she asked? The next few minutes of rushing to Diane's room were torture.

The door was closed when she reached it. She looked around hesitantly, noticing that everyone was busy and no one was interested in her or room fifteen. She pushed the door open and closed it quickly behind her.

Diane was awake, and the sound of her cries paralyzed Bella by the doorway for a long moment. Diane's eyes were screwed shut, tears streaming down her face, writhing in the bed as Edward held her down to stop her hurting herself. Carlisle was connecting a bag of clear liquid to her drip, his mouth set in a hard line.

Shaking herself, Bella rushed across the room, held Diane's shoulders down and snapped at Edward, "Get back, you're scaring her!"

He backed away quickly, probably hurt, but Edward's feelings didn't concern Bella at that moment.

She leant over Diane's shaking body, leaning down on her, making her hair fall around Diane's face. "Di, it's okay, I'm here."

She groaned loudly, her breathing loud and shallow. "Vamp…vam…"

"It's just Edward," she said softly. "You remember Edward. He won't hurt you."

Diane must have heard and understood because she stopped struggling against Bella's hands, though her body was wracked with shudders that made Bella's hands shake.

"Hurts…" Diane moaned.

"I know, honey, I know. Carlisle, she needs morphine!" she called desperately.

"I've given her as much as…"

"Get more!"

Carlisle hesitated, but when Bella raised her face and he saw the fiery look in her eyes, he nodded and quickly left the room.

Bella leant back over Diane, muttering nonsensical, comforting words, wishing she could do something real to help her. She could feel Diane's harsh, jagged breathing against her lips, and she breathed in, wishing she could absorb her pain.

Diane's eyes opened. Bella made herself stay where she was, overcoming the urge to back away at the pain she could see in Diane's eyes.

"I shouldn't…" Diane groaned, tears leaving tracks on her cheeks.

"It's okay, honey," Bella muttered. "It's okay. I'm here."

"I shouldn't have told her to run," Diane whispered. "She shouldn't have run."

It felt as though all of Bella's blood had turned to ice. She froze, her body rigid, her heart echoing horribly in her ears.

Diane's eyes flickered and her breathing began to level out. Feeling sick and uncomfortable, as though her skin was stretched too tight, Bella looked up to see Carlisle injecting a syringe of morphine into the tube in Diane's arm.

But before her eyes closed, before the darkness stole away her partner, Bella pressed her lips to Diane's ear, praying that she would hear her, hoping that she could hear the pain in her voice and maybe one day begin to forgive her, and she whispered, "I'm sorry," knowing that it could never be enough.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So … any guesses as to where this is goin****g? If only Bella had read _Eclipse_, maybe she'd be well-prepared for what's going to happen to her. Poor Bella. I do feel sorry for her.**


	19. Fix You

**Disclaimer: I'm just playing with what Meyer gave me.**

* * *

><p><em>A shiver crept across her skin, and she pulled the bed sheets around her, wrapping them round her body like a cocoon. The paper was coarse against her fingertips and sounded loud in the silent room. She looked at the puzzle box by her knee—the lid gaping open, a glazed boiled sweet nestled inside—and smiled.<em>

No. I know what is happening. I have to wake up.

_She re-read the letter, her smile broadening. She would probably get back to Forks before the letter arrived, but she was going to send it anyway. The act of writing it, of seeing those words permanently etched onto the paper, made her giddy. After a year of hell, she was finally going home._

Please, not again. Let me wake up. I don't want to go through this again.

_The sounds of her roommates returning made her tear her eyes from the letter she had written to Charlie. Her smile faded slightly. She knew where they had been today, and she had no desire to listen to them talk about it. She didn't understand how they could talk in such happy, excited voices about murder. It made her sick._

This isn't fair.

_She could see them enter the dorm room—that bitch Zoya was moving about in her peripheral vision. She tried to concentrate on the feelings of relief and light-headed happiness that she had let overcome her in her solitude, but their voices intruded, starting off as a low hum and building into a…delicate, painfully beautiful melody._

This is wrong…this isn't what usually happens…

_Confused, she turned to Zoya. The girl's eyes were set in a superior snarl, her mouth moving quickly as words Bella couldn't hear passed through her lips. It was as if someone had muted Zoya's vitriol and turned on this music, this music that made her lips vibrate, this music that filled her up from the inside, this music that she had heard before, but differently. It had never sounded so melancholic back then…_

_Something changed._

_The scene shifted, as they often do in dreams, with a sharp twist that made perfect sense. She had been in her dormitory in Nepal, remembering those soft, hopeful moments before her world had shattered forever, before she killed for the first time. Now she was in their meadow, watching Edward play the piano._

_If he noticed her sudden appearance, he didn't show it. His fingers swept across the instrument, ghosting over the white keys. She watched him shading through the dulcet sounds, remembering the first time he had played this for her and wondering where the hope had gone from this lullaby._

_He finished suddenly, his hands falling from the keys and onto his lap. The last notes hanging in the air. Incomplete._

"_What happened to the ending?" she asked._

_He turned on his stool, his bright golden eyes glowing softly, like dying embers._

"_I don't know," he admitted, his voice soft._

_Bella walked to the piano and stood next to him._

"_What if you do this?"_

_Bella put her hands to the keys and pressed down. The sound that emerged was loud, disjointed and wrong. She had forgotten that she couldn't play the piano. She blushed. She didn't want Edward to think that she didn't know what she was doing._

"_We could try it like that," he said, sounding uncertain. "But I don't think it will work."_

_She looked down at him, admiring the bronze color of his hair, tracing the glimpse of his cheekbone, nose and lips with her eyes. Her hand reached out, but she held back before touching him. _

"_This is a dream, isn't it?" she asked nervously. "I am allowed to touch you, now?"_

_He glanced up at her through his lashes. "You're always allowed to touch me, Bella. But yes, you are dreaming."_

_She let her fingers stroke the lines of his face, but it didn't feel like it should. It was as though she were trying to touch him through a mist, as though his skin were protected by time and indistinct memory. All she wanted was to feel his skin against her fingertips._

"_This is your dream," he reminded her. "Why don't you take what you want?"_

_She wanted him. She always wanted him._

_So, with immediate certainty, safe in the knowledge that this was a dream, she leant down and kissed him._

_He responded quickly, shaping his lips around hers, taking over the kiss and coaxing her mouth open._

_She curled her hands in his hair, trying to lose herself in the sensation of kissing Edward, feeling dizzy and unreal, wishing she could forget that she was dreaming. It felt like falling, and as his kisses became more aggressive, she felt herself slipping away._

_A sharp slither of pain brought her back._

"_Ow," she muttered, pulling away._

_He didn't let her go far. Wrapping his hand around the back of her head, he kept her lips pressing against his._

_She felt the pain again—cold and piercing against her lips. Something warm and wet trickled down her chin and she understood…Edward had bitten her._

_She broke herself from his grip, but he stayed close._

"_What are you doing?" she asked angrily._

_His lips were red with her blood. "This is what you want."_

_Momentarily confused, Bella didn't stop him as he leant toward her once more, his lips ghosting across her jaw. He pressed a hard, open-mouth kiss against her neck. She felt a thrill of fear shoot through her when his teeth brushed against her pulse, and she could have broken free, but his words held her still._

_Was this what she wanted?_

_She cried out as he bit down, her hands gripping his shoulders tightly, but she didn't know if she should push him away or bring him closer._

_She felt the venom spreading through her veins, felt the agonizing fire in her blood as though someone were holding a lighter to her skin. Unable to take it any longer, she tore herself away_ _from him and fell to her knees as the fire reached her heart, the pain tearing through her body like an inferno._

"_Edward…"_

_She reached out a hand, seeking comfort, but felt nothing but air._

_She forced her eyes to open._

_She was alone in the meadow. Edward had gone, the piano had disappeared._

"_No, Edward…"_

_It felt like her heart was being torn apart, as though someone were ripping it from her body. She didn't know what pain was from the venom, and what was from him leaving._

_She had asked for this. She had let him hurt her, and now she was dying._

_She had always known this would happen._

Jolting suddenly awake, she could taste the blood in her mouth and feel the shadow of pain under her skin. Struggling to free herself from the twisted sheets, Bella fell out of bed, dragged herself from her knees and rushed into the bathroom just in time to vomit in the toilet.

She rested her forehead against the cold porcelain, trying to steady her breathing. It had been a long time since blood had made her throw up. She had desensitized herself to the taste and smell of blood years ago, but the lingering flavor in her mouth caused her to gag.

She ran her tongue across her lips, wincing as she touched broken skin. She must have bitten them while she was asleep.

"Damn," she whispered to herself.

The dream about Edward was a new one, obviously conjured from her conflicted brain as an attempt to deal with the choice she knew she still had to make. She had tried to suppress her feelings about him in a poor effort to deal with Diane, but apparently her brain refused to allow her to comfort herself with denial. She almost wished that her original dream had played out. Yes, it was horrible, and yes, it tortured her like no other, but at least it was familiar. She knew how to deal with it, because she had dealt with it for seven years. She didn't know how to deal with Edward.

It was a little surprising that, after everything she had been through, after all the horrific dreams she had endured almost nightly for years, Edward was still the most frightening thing she could imagine. Though, did that fear stem from a legitimate threat to her safety and way of life, or was it just emotional cowardice? Had she really forgotten what it was like to love someone—_truly_ love someone, with everything that she was—to the point where something that had once been beautiful and sustaining had become alienating?

Because she _would_ have to love him with her entire being. There was no way that she could be with Edward and not give him everything. They didn't work like that, never had. So, the only question that really had to be asked was: was it worth it? Would having him make up for everything that she could possibly lose—her purpose, her anger, her community, even her life? Was there any chance of being with him _without_ losing all of those things?

She didn't have any answers. She didn't think that she could ever truly know, one way or the other, until it played out. She could only waste time for so long until her hand was forced. What should she follow, her head or her heart? Did she even have the capacity to go with the latter?

An obnoxiously loud noise startled her from her increasingly demoralizing thoughts.

The sound was someone knocking on the door to her room. She knew it was a vampire, but she didn't immediately recognize the scent. Wary, she exited the bathroom and moved toward the door, opening it slowly.

"Er…yes?"

Rosalie stared back at her, an eyebrow raised slightly, her lips pressed together. She looked as though she already regretted knocking on Bella's door. Her hair was tied up in a simple, yet very neat, ponytail. She wore tight jeans and a slim-fitting, soft-looking pale pink sweater. In her hand she held a shiny toolbox.

Bella felt a very slight pang of intimidation, but Rosalie wasn't half as scary as the thoughts she had interrupted. Instead of being disturbing, Rosalie's sudden appearance was a relief. She didn't think that Rosalie would care to hear that, though, so she kept her mouth shut.

Rosalie tilted her head to one side.

"I was just going to tune up Edward's car," she said in a smooth yet distant voice. "Do you want to help?"

Confused, but intensely grateful, Bella gushed, "Yeah, definitely. Let me get changed."

Bella quickly pulled on some warm clothes, not caring what she looked like. Her nightmare had driven out any vain compulsion she might have had to pointlessly compare herself to Rosalie's beauty. She quickly hurried back outside in case Rosalie changed her mind. They walked to the hotel parking lot in silence. Bella got the impression that Rosalie didn't want her there, and she suspected that Emmett had put her up to it. She didn't particularly care. She wasn't interested in making Rosalie like her, but any excuse to get out of that hotel room, to work with something solid and tangible and messy, was fine with her. She loved getting her hands filthy with grease and motor oil. It was rare that she could look down at her hands, feel proud that she had accomplished something, and not feel guilty at the destructive stains coating her fingers. Venom was easier to wash from her skin, but it left its marks in other, more permanent places.

She had forgotten how the sight of Edward's Volvo made her stop dead and caused something to constrict in her chest. The shock of seeing it again, when Edward had driven her to River's, had not entirely worn off.

She made herself move and look away, hoping Rosalie wouldn't notice her reaction. That damn car was the centerpiece for many of her best—or worst?—memories of her relationship with Edward. It was hard to look at that stupid, shiny Volvo and not think about the happiest times of her life, and how they had nearly destroyed her.

Rosalie shot her a calculating sideward glance before dropping the toolbox and unlocking the car. She popped the hood open in silence. She seemed to fight with herself for a moment before turning to Bella and saying, in a voice that seemed oddly hesitant, as though she were struggling against something instinctual, "I can kick him really hard, if you'd like me to."

"Kick…who? What?"

Rosalie narrowed her eyes. It was surprisingly intimidating. "Edward. He deserves it for getting this car just to mess with you."

"Um, I don't think that's necessary. Thanks though," Bella said sincerely. It was strangely touching that Rosalie would be willing to kick Edward for her.

Rosalie shrugged lightly. "He doesn't have to know it's because of this. I kicked him the first time he brought this model home, anyway. A _Volvo_, for fuck's sake."

Bella sniggered. Rosalie smirked at her before bending down to root in the box at her feet.

Bella watched in silence as Rosalie pulled tools from the box. Some items she recognized, like the bolts, wrench and horse clamp, and others that she didn't recognize at all, primarily a shiny silver contraption that looked like a giant sonic screwdriver.

"So…what are you going to do?" she asked.

"I'm going to install the supercharger, but first I've got to take out the turbocharger."

"Right," Bella said, trying not to sound bemused. "There's a big difference then? Between a supercharger and a turbocharger?"

If Bella expected Rosalie to laugh at her lack of knowledge, she was disappointed. Rosalie just picked up the wrench and leant over the open hood, loosening the bolts of—presumably—the turbocharger.

"A lot of people prefer turbochargers, because they work well and are more fuel efficient, and apparently they produce less parasitic drag, though I can't say I've ever noticed. But I don't think you can beat a supercharger. Turbochargers only provide a good boost if the engine is running at higher RPMs, but a supercharger is designed to increase torque at low RPM. I guess it doesn't matter much in normal cars, but you know us—we like to drive fast." Rosalie shot her a brief smile. "With a supercharger, you put your foot down and you're off like a shot. It's really annoying when you have to wait for the engine to catch up with what you're telling it to do."

"I wouldn't know about that. I haven't had much opportunity to drive sports cars," Bella said ruefully.

"Take this for me," Rosalie commanded.

Bella took from her something that looked like a shiny conch, turning it over in her hands rather awkwardly.

"I have to admit, I was surprised when Alice said you were interested in cars. You never seemed to care before. If I had nightmares, they would be about the red behemoth you used to drive."

Bella shot her a sarcastic glare. "Hey, don't insult the behemoth. It may run like crap, but it's still my baby. Especially since I've done a little work on it myself. You're right, though. I never used to care about cars until…well, until Nepal, I suppose."

"Are you strong enough to hold up the car for a second? I need to get underneath it."

"Yeah, sure."

Glancing surreptitiously around the dark parking lot, Bella curled her fingers around the front fender and gently lifted up the frame. Rosalie slipped under the car, only her thin long legs visible as she did something Bella didn't understand.

"So Nepal, huh?" Rosalie's voice drifted up. Bella flexed her fingers in an automatic reaction to that place, as though she were trying to physically ward off thoughts or memories. "I got the impression you were living in mud huts in the middle of nowhere, not having drag races through the mountains."

"We had one car. It was a beaten up old jeep, and we'd use it if we had to go into town. It looked like a death trap, but when you got it off-road, it drove like a dream. It was so much fun seeing how hard we could push it before it tipped over. If we ever had enough time between classes, or on free days, some of the boys would take it apart and put it back together again. They used to time it, see who could do it the fastest."

Rosalie slipped out from under the car, and Bella carefully lowered it to the ground. She wasn't sure whether Rosalie wanted her to continue with her story. She waited a few moments, and when Rosalie stayed silent, she continued.

"When they took the car apart, sometimes I'd just sit and watch them. I'd seen Jake work on his Rabbit lots of times before, but, I don't know, it was different there. I was actually interested in what they were doing. It was cool how these weird, disparate pieces fit together in a way that _made_ something, you know? I know that sounds really obvious, but it was…it's what got me interested in cars. It's intricate, and complicated, and every time you learn something, there's something else, something more to learn, but it's not…it doesn't matter. You can spend hours doing something to a car, and it's productive, and exciting, but it's _unnecessary_. I don't know," Bella mumbled, suddenly embarrassed. "I guess that's…yeah."

"No, I get it," Rosalie said casually. "It's just a car."

"Yeah, it's just a car. Exactly." She chuckled quietly to herself. "Anyway, what have you actually been doing while I was—"

"Excuse me, ladies. Do you need help changing your tires?"

They turned simultaneously to see a couple of beefy-looking guys making their way toward them. They were both tall, dark haired and muscly. They walked with a similar swagger. Bella felt her hackles rise as she saw their smirks. She didn't like the way they were leering at her and Rosalie, or the way they had jumped to the conclusion that they needed help.

Rosalie sounded equally pissed off when she started, "What the hell makes you think—"

"Ah, gee, would you mind?" Bella interrupted, smiling at the men vacantly. They instantly perked up, one of them running a hand over his crew cut hair and flexing his bicep. She suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. "We're just trying to replace the spark plug wires and we're having a bit of trouble. We've taken out the air box, 'cause life is never simple, is it? I swear, modern engines try and make it as difficult as possible to get to anything. Anyway, so we did that, and we're about to take out the intake plenum, but we're having a problem with turning the gaskets. How do you think we should proceed?"

This could have backfired if either of them knew anything about cars, but the blank and rather panicked look on their faces showed her that she had gotten away with it. She heard Rosalie snort next to her and nudged her with her elbow to stop her giving them away.

"Er…" one of them mumbled, looking suddenly a lot smaller than he had before. "We would, you know, spark plugs, they're really easy and that, but er…"

"Yeah," the other one continued, "and gasbets…"

"But we don't have the time we've got…um…"

"Party we've got to go to, it's er…"

"Oh, that's fine," Bella said airily. "If you're busy, it's no problem. We'll just keep trying. I'm sure we'll get there eventually, even without two strong men to lend us some muscle!"

"Sorry we couldn't…didn't have the time. We'll, er…"

"See you around."

And with two identical, painful smiles, they ran toward the entrance of the hotel. Bella checked her watch.

"Funny sort of party to start at seven in the morning."

With that, Rosalie burst into loud fits of laughter, leaning onto the car to stop herself from falling over. Bella chuckled along with her, more bemused than amused. Rosalie's face was transformed as she straightened up, stray giggles still escaping. Impossibly, she looked even more beautiful than ever, but her beauty was softened, less frightening and more approachable. Bella felt some tension escape from her muscles. She hadn't realized that her body had been tight and ready for attack this whole time.

"That was awesome," Rosalie said weakly, before throwing Bella a smirk. "But you do know that diesels don't have spark plugs, don't you?"

"Oh, is this a diesel? Yeah, I guess it is. I wasn't paying attention."

Rosalie snorted and bent back down, putting all the tools she used back in the box. Bella watched her for a moment, still a little confused, fighting a losing battle against the question that was struggling against the back of her teeth.

"What is this?" she finally asked, the question coming out rather quickly as it escaped during a moment of weakness.

Rosalie looked up at her, her eyes sparkling. "It's a _car_, Bella. Seriously, if you don't know that, I don't think there's anything I can teach you."

"Not the, urgh, you know I didn't mean that. I meant this," Bella said, frustrated, gesturing between them. "You being nice to me. No offense, but it's kind of…unprecedented."

Rosalie shot her a shrewd look. She stood up and snapped the hood shut, pursing her lips for a moment before saying, "You know it was never personal. I didn't even know you."

"But you know me now?"

"I think I'd like to."

"Why?"

Rosalie didn't say anything for a long time, but undid her ponytail and shook her hair out around her shoulders.

"I was angry with you for a long time," she said eventually. "And extremely jealous."

"Jealous?" Bella repeated, shocked.

"Yes, of course I was jealous. You were a normal, human girl with her whole life ahead of her, and you chose to throw it away. Do you have any idea how much I envied the possibilities of your life? I never wanted this, Bella," she said sadly, opening her arms and looking at her hands. "I didn't have the choice that you did. I was dying when Carlisle found me—betrayed and abused by someone I thought I could trust. Carlisle thought my death would be a waste, because of how young I was and…he thought that I could be for Edward what Esme was for him." She smiled and shook her head. "He was, very obviously, wrong about that."

Bella fought down an irrational shot of jealousy.

"All I wanted in life was to grow up, be a wife and have children. I still want that, even though I know it's not possible for me now. I will be eternally grateful to Carlisle for saving me and giving me this life with Emmett, but I will always blame him for making me like this. I was jealous because you could have had the life I always wanted, and angry because you were going to throw it away as if it meant nothing."

"So, what?" Bella asked gruffly. "Now that I'm not going to become one of you, you're not angry with me anymore?"

Rosalie chuckled without humor. "I don't know what's going to happen in your future, Bella. No one knows that, not even Alice. I could very easily be angry with you, but there doesn't seem to be any point in it now. I know that you hate why Edward left you, but I thought it was for the best. Without us, you had the chance to be normal again. Even when you changed you could have walked away and attempted to salvage a normal life. But you didn't. You became this. You've already made the worst choice you could possibly make, so what good does anger do anyone? God knows I'm not jealous of you anymore, that's for sure."

Bella stared at her in shock, feeling resentment and relief using her body as a battleground. She settled with defensiveness. "So, you're not angry or jealous anymore. Doesn't mean you have to get all friendly."

Rosalie didn't look insulted. If anything, she looked slightly impressed. "I'm not suggesting we become BFFs. My family has suffered without Edward, and for some reason, he still wants you. I refuse to be the one that drives you away. If a degree of civility between us could make this situation easier for everyone, I won't be petty about it."

Bella laughed with bitter amusement. "Jesus, Rose, don't hold back. Tell me how you _really_ feel."

Rosalie smiled grimly. "You asked me a question and I answered it. I don't see the point in lying."

"Well, you should probably know that I'm a big fan of the white lie."

"Those jeans fit you really well. They don't make your butt look huge at all."

Bella let out a bark of laughter.

"I think I liked it more when you ignored me."

"Tough shit, Swan, you're stuck with me now."

"Not if I can help it."

They smiled at each other cautiously. Despite the ice-cold rock that had formed in Bella's stomach during their conversation, she couldn't help but feel a tiny ray of hope. She had the feeling that in the days and weeks to follow, Rosalie would prove herself to be a good ally. If she was to find herself in a battle for her life, she could think of worse people to have on her team than Rosalie Cullen.

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><p><strong>AN: I know people must be getting a little impatient for Edward and Bella to sort themselves out, and they're getting there. This is just a little character study on Rosalie, which is both important and unimportant for the story. Depends on your point of view. Next chapter may be a while, because although I've written a few chapters, I don't want to catch myself up, and writing is slow at the moment. Probably won't get any better since I just got a job (yay!) and I'm moving to London (yay!) so life is going to be weird for a while. But I will absolutely, 100% finish this and I will get it to you as soon as I can. Thank you for your reviews and support. They keep me writing, even when life is kicking the crap out of me.**


	20. Elephants

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I mean this almost literally.**

**A/N: I'm am so, so, so, so sorry. I never meant to leave it this long, but this chapter was a bitch. I meant to send it in a couple of weeks ago, but I read it through and realized that the whole second half was just _wrong_. So I had to rewrite it. Then life punched me in the boob, and when I finally got round to fixing the chapter, I sent it to my wonderful betas who pointed out that the first half was wrong too, so I had to rewrite that. Anyway, it may not be perfect, but I am giving this to you today because I'm finally moving into a new flat in London, and I just won't have time to do anything else. I will try much harder to get the next one to you soon. Once I have moved in, my life should stop being so ridiculously stressful and I can get back to writing again.**

**Anyway, I apologize further for the unnecessarily long author's note. Let's see what those two are up to now, shall we?**

* * *

><p>Diane had been dreaming for the past three hours. Bella had pretended to read, but she couldn't concentrate on the words. Every time Diane muttered Jo's name in her sleep, Bella's heart constricted in her chest and she found it difficult to breathe.<p>

Carlisle had found the time to pop in occasionally, despite his busy schedule. He said that he found it difficult to stay still and had been temporarily transferred to Coney Island. Bella wondered whether he just enjoyed his work too much, or if working as a doctor was a compulsion, some kind of penance. Personally, Bella couldn't think of anyone who deserved punishment less than Carlisle Cullen, but she wasn't going to deny anyone the satisfaction of martyrdom.

Edward had been there, as always, sitting silently. There didn't seem to be anything to say, or there was too much to say, and she hadn't attempted conversation. She craved the distraction of anyone else, but the rest of the Cullens were suspiciously and Emmett had dropped her off at the hospital before disappearing to meet up with the others. They wouldn't say where they were going, and sitting in that hospital room with nothing to capture her attention except the tortured sighs of her best friend, her imagination couldn't help but throw out worse case scenarios.

Eventually, she couldn't take it anymore and had to ask: "They're not going after him, are they?"

Edward's gaze snapped to her. He looked startled, and maybe a little sheepish. She couldn't help but wonder what he had been thinking about.

"I'm sorry?" he asked.

"The rest of your family," she elaborated. "They're not here, and Rosalie wouldn't tell me what they're doing. They're not going after Kahled, are they?"

"I'd have told you if they were."

Bella let out a breath of relief, and felt some tension leak out of her shoulders. "Oh, good. For a minute there I was worried I'd miss out on the fun."

Edward frowned at her. "I wouldn't be too keen on a confrontation if I were you. He's extremely powerful, and his mind is…there's something wrong with the way he thinks. He's unpredictable, and that alone makes him dangerous."

"I know, and it's not like I want to get hurt or anything it's just…" Her eyes flickered to Diane. Every time she saw her partner lying in that hospital bed, still, bruised, broken, it managed to surprise her.

"You want revenge," Edward observed.

Bella winced. "I was trying really hard not to say that."

"What, that you want revenge?"

Bella threw her hands up. "Please, stop saying it."

"I'm…sorry?" he said uncertainly.

"It's just—and this is going to sound stupid—when I'm usually in a fight I'm doing it because someone is in danger. I'm either saving someone's life, or I'm preventing one from being taken in the future. I'm not saying my motives are completely pure or anything, but I always feel…protected by the fact that I'm trying to stop something bad from happening. It's almost like I'm the good guy, and the good guy always wins. The guy out for ice-cold revenge…they don't tend to do so well. It seems like saying it out loud is kind of tempting fate."

He stared at her for a long moment, before his lips curled into a strange little smile. "Well, at least we'll have the advantage when Victoria turns up again. Her motives are _definitely _impure."

Bella snorted. "I'd almost forgotten about that psycho, I was so distracted with our new one. Is there any news on her?"

"Alice thinks that Victoria's left New York. She keeps seeing parts of visions, flashes really—nothing solid. She sees trees and mountains, and occasionally a face that she doesn't recognize. Whatever Victoria's doing, she's trying her best not to be noticed."

"That doesn't sound ominous at all," Bella sighed. "I doubt she'd go to all this trouble to get us in the same city if she wasn't planning something devious. I'll put the word out, see if we can find her before something bad happens."

Edward raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "'Put the word out?'" he repeated dryly.

"Well, yeah, kind of. I mean, I'll put it on the facebook page."

Edward rolled his eyes. "Very funny."

"What is?"

"You. Did you really think I'd fall for that?"

Bella tilted her head, frowning at him in confusion. "Fall for what?"

The amused, slightly exasperated look slid from Edward's face, and he stared at her in absolute disbelief. "Are you telling me," he said slowly. "That a top-secret, supernatural syndicate of vampire-hunters communicate with each other through _facebook_?"

"It's a closed group," Bella said defensively.

His face crumpled as he silently laughed, his shoulders shaking. Bella got the distinct impression that she was being laughed at, but she couldn't find it in her to care. She hadn't seen Edward smile in two days, and even then he had been grinning at Emmett and not her.

"I don't know how you can still surprise me," he said after he managed to control his laughter. He looked at her, quickly looked away, and somehow that evasion managed to make her blush. "You really are—"

"Has her breathing changed?"

She hadn't meant for it to sound like she was deliberately cutting him off. It was true that whenever he complimented or praised her, instead of feeling warm happiness, she felt an overwhelming discomfort. Discomfort because she felt like she didn't deserve it, and because it made her think—every time—that when he said he loved her, he actually meant that he loved the memory of the good, kind, innocent girl that she used to be. All of that was true, yet in this instance she had only interrupted because Diane's short, shallow breathing had distracted her.

She thought she heard Edward let out a tiny sigh, but his expression was blank and his voice as calm as ever when he said, "I think she's waking up."

Bella jumped to her feet and hovered nervously by the bed. She put her hand against Diane's hip, but then wondered if it would freak her out to wake up to someone touching her, so moved it. Should she lean forward, so that Diane would wake up to a friendly, safe face? Or would she rather have space, a moment or two to collect herself without someone staring down at her? Or what if she was still in so much pain she didn't know where she was, or what she was saying, or that Bella was even there?

"Bella." She raised her eyes to see Edward—still, calm and sympathetic. "It's going to be all right."

She nodded faintly. Nothing would freak Diane out more than waking up to see_ Bella_ freaking out.

Diane's eyelids fluttered. She groaned and slowly raised her hand to her forehead. She frowned, opened her eyes and stared at her hand in bleary confusion. Bella stood silently, waiting for Diane to notice that she was right there, but apparently her hand was just too fascinating.

"Er…Di?"

Diane's head flopped sideways on her pillow so she was gazing up at Bella. The way she squinted made Bella realize that Carlisle hadn't been shy in administering the morphine.

"B?" Diane muttered, her face screwed up with such painful concentration that Bella reached out and smoothed the creases on her forehead.

"Yeah, it's me, honey. How do you feel?"

"I…my head feels funny."

Bella traced the bandage in Diane's hair. "You got hurt really bad."

"Not…it's groggy…words are kind of hard," she slurred.

"Oh, that's just the morphine."

"What?" Diane asked, almost sharply. With great effort, she pushed herself so she was half-sitting up in the bed, and reached toward the needles in her arm.

"Whoh!" Bella cried, grabbing her wrist and pinning it to the bed. "Don't even think about it."

"Bella, don't…fuck," she groaned, rolling her eyes.

"You're really hurt, Di. You don't want to feel that."

Diane fixed her with a hard stare, and clearly, every word a real effort, said, "As long as I have a drug in me, my body's not going to heal itself fast enough. And I need to heal fast. I need to kill that son of a bitch."

Bella swallowed heavily. "Just…wait." She didn't let go of Diane's wrist, but she grabbed a wire from the drip and pressed in into Diane's hand. "This is for the morphine, okay? You press this button and it stops, and you press this one and it'll start again. If it's too much… don't be brave."

Diane immediately stopped the flow of morphine. Bella stood by the side of the bed, her hands curled into fist. After a moment, Diane grimaced and shifted, running her hands over her face.

"How do you feel?" Bella whispered.

"Weird," Diane said decisively. "Really weird. Now the flow's stopped I can actually feel my body trying to get rid of…" The change in her face was sudden and horrible. She turned pale and pressed her eyes tightly closed. "Oh, fuck," she groaned.

Bella tried to grab the device from her hand, but Diane pulled it away. "No, it's mine, back off."

"Diane…"

"I'm fine. It's better this way. Please, just leave it."

Bella grimaced, but Diane sat up straighter, trying to hide the pain she was in. She looked around, trying to find a distraction, and started with surprise when she spotted Edward.

"Oh," she said, her eyes wide. "Hello."

"Diane," he said, his voice low and gruff. He took a step forward but stopped, looking torn, before backing away again. "I know I can never say or do anything that will make this any better, but I am so—"

"No!" Diane said shortly. "No, no, no. Don't do that."

"I need to say that—"

"I said no. It wasn't your fault, Edward. You saved my life, I know that."

He ducked his head. "I should have—"

"Christ, will you stop already?" she asked impatiently. "I don't want to snap at you, but I'm not in the mood, all right? If I was upset with you I'd tell you, but I'm not. I have no one to blame but myself. Don't make me feel worse by apologizing."

Bella closed her eyes for a moment. All she had wanted for days now was for Diane to wake up, just so that she could see her eyes open, hear her voice. Now she wished for just a little more time, so that she could think of anything to say that could possibly make this better. She hadn't prepared, and now she was just standing in front of Diane, hearing her pain, with no idea of what to do.

When she opened her eyes, Edward's gaze was the first thing she saw. His eyes were tight, but he managed a tiny smile. Bella wasn't sure what that smile was supposed to indicate. Did he mean to show her that he wasn't offended by Diane's brashness? Or was it a lame attempt to convince her that everything was going to be all right?

Bella shook her head slightly, and turned back to Diane. Diane was running her hands over her body, cataloguing everything that hurt. She always did this after a bad fight, as though she was counting up the injustices wrought upon her so that she could throw them right back at the next vampire that was foolish enough to cross her. By the look on her face, Bella guessed that the next vampire would be in for a world of pain.

As though he knew exactly what Bella was thinking, Edward spoke up. "I'll go find Carlisle," he said. "Tell him you're awake."

They watched him go in silence. As soon as the door closed behind him, Diane let out a relieved sigh.

"Thank God, he's gone. I was starting to feel really awkward."

Bella closed her eyes and made her voice as soft as possible, because she wouldn't forgive herself if she shouted at Diane right now. "Are you saying that, after everything he did for you, you're scared of him? He practically held you together while the ambulance came. He did the impossible for you, Diane."

Diane let out a brief laugh without humor. "You think it was for me?" She shook her head. "That sounded ungrateful, I'm…that wasn't what I meant anyway. I'm not scared of him. How could I be after…after what happened?"

"Oh," Bella said sheepishly. "I thought you meant…"

"Well, I didn't. What I _meant _was that it was starting to feel awkward talking around the massive elephant in the room."

"Elephant?" Bella asked, concerned. Was Diane hallucinating? Maybe they had been a little heavy-handed with the morphine.

"Have you even talked at _all_ about what happened between you…whenever it was, the other night?"

"We've been kind of busy, Di."

She scoffed. "Yeah, I'm sure it was really eventful, waiting for me to wake up."

"I don't want to talk about it, all right?" Bella said, trying not to snap. "Why does everyone want to talk about it?"

"Because it's entertainingly melodramatic and usefully distracting. I could use a distraction."

Bella saw something in Diane's eyes, something almost like pleading. If she needed a distraction from the pain she was feeling—both physical and emotional—then Bella didn't mind discussing the things she had been trying to avoid.

"I don't know what I should say to him," Bella said truthfully. "My heart's telling me to do one thing and my head another. God, that sounds corny, but it's true."

"What's your head saying?"

"To run away as fast as possible."

"But it's not for the obvious reason, is it?"

"Obvious reason?" she asked blankly.

Diane breathed a laugh without humor. "He's a _vampire_."

"Oh. No, it's not that. Or at least, not directly."

Diane was silent for a few moments, looking torn, as if she was afraid of the answer to her next question.

"You wanted him to change you?" she asked slowly.

Bella sat down in the chair by the bed, curling her legs beneath her. She felt suddenly defensive, as if Diane's tentative words had been a threat.

"Yes," she said curtly.

"But…" Diane shook her head. "But that time, when you got bitten on your arm and we weren't sure…you were _so_ scared, Bella. You told me, if it didn't stop, you said I should…"

"I know, and I meant it. I didn't want immortality for its own sake. I can't think of anything worse than living forever, like this. I just wanted _him_."

Diane's eyes looked dark as she asked, "Why didn't he do it, then?"

"He thinks that he doesn't have a soul. He refused to take mine."

"And you're angry with him for that?" she asked dubiously.

"Even if I _did_ believe him, which would mean believing that someone like Edward doesn't have a soul, then it still wasn't his choice. It's my soul—I can do whatever I like with it."

Diane looked out the window, her gaze a million miles away. "You don't know what it's like, Bella," she said softly. "What it's like to love someone who's normal, who's _whole_. You're attracted to their goodness and innocence, and you want to keep them like that—you don't want to be the reason they break. You want to protect them from your darkness, and when you realize you can't…oh, Christ."

She covered her eyes with her hand, trying to breathe through the sobs that were escaping from her mouth. Bella laid a hand on her thigh, giving her time to bring herself back under control.

"You were supposed to be distracting me," she muttered, wiping tears from her eyes. "I can't think about this now—_I_ _can't_."

"I talked to Dwaipayan yesterday," Bella said quickly.

"Oh, yeah?" she asked with an awkwardly forced cheeriness. "How's he doing?"

"He's as obnoxious as ever, but he's having trouble at the moment…"

She told Diane about the army growing in Seattle, pretending that Diane's attempts at shock and concern weren't as badly acted as they truly were. She had no idea how to deal with Diane, after what she had lost. Then she felt guilty for thinking about 'dealing with' her, as if she was a problem that needed to be solved. She felt ill-equipped to help someone dealing with grief. Especially when that grief was heavily laden with guilt. Should she tell Diane that it wasn't her fault? Would that make a difference? Was it even the truth?

She stopped talking when Edward reappeared at the door, with Carlisle right behind him. She smiled at them, and Carlisle returned the smile politely, but Edward wouldn't even look at her. Her heart plummeted. Had he heard their conversation about him? He'd barely left the room when Diane started interrogating her.

"_What's your head saying?"_

"_To run away as fast as possible."_

_Shit_, she thought weakly.

"Who the hell are you?" Diane asked, shocked and wary as Carlisle entered the room. She eyed his white coat and stethoscope with dark suspicion.

"I'm Carlisle," he said, almost succeeding at hiding his surprise at Diane's rudeness. "Carlisle Cullen, Edward's father."

"Oh," she said without any hint of embarrassment. "Yeah, I think Jasper said something about you. So, what, has the whole family relocated?"

"We've all here now, yes," Carlisle said, reaching out to put his hand against Diane's forehead.

She backed away quickly, grabbing her chest and wincing. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm sorry," he said with utmost politeness. "May I examine you?"

"No! What are you talking about?"

"It's all right. I'm a doctor."

Diane scrunched her face up with a ridiculous amount of confusion. "Doctor of what?"

"Um, medicine?"

Diane started laughing, but stopped quickly when she realized no one was joining in.

"You're joking, right?"

"I can show you my diploma if you like," he said, with a cheeky smile. "It is rather old by now, but I have racked up quite a lot of work experience."

Diane didn't laugh; she just stared at Carlisle as if she had never seen anything so incomprehensible.

"But you're a…you know…_vampire_," she whispered the word as though she was trying to be delicate about an embarrassing medical condition.

"Yes, I do know that."

"Well then, you_ can't_ be. Doctors have to deal with blood, don't they?"

Bless him, Carlisle remained as patient as ever. "Yes, as a general rule, we do have to deal with quite a lot of blood. I'm rather used to it now, though, so you don't have to worry."

"You're rather used to…" Diane trailed off, her mouth opening and closing in silent horror.

"Are you all right?" Carlisle asked, concerned.

"She's fine," Bella said, trying to hold back the massive laugh brewing in her chest. "You're just making her question everything she ever thought she knew."

"Is he for real?" Diane asked beseechingly.

"I'm afraid so. In fact, the first time I met him was in a hospital, when he was patching me up after an accident."

Diane shook her head, her mouth slightly open. "I thought Edward and Alice were weird, but you're _mental_," she said fervently.

"I think I'll take that as a compliment. May I examine you now, please?" Carlisle asked.

"I guess you better had."

Bella watched, struggling to contain her amusement, as Carlisle started unwrapping the bandage around Diane's head, smiling reassuringly at Diane who continued to stare at him with unreserved incredulity.

Bella winced as the bandage was removed, revealing the place where the surgeons had shaved some of Diane's hair. Carlisle ran a finger over the ugly, red, ragged scar on Diane's scalp and said, "You really do heal fast, don't you?"

"Yeah, 'cos _I'm_ the weird one here," Diane muttered.

"You don't really need this anymore," Carlisle said, gracefully ignoring Diane's comment as he rewound the bandage around Diane's head. "But we'll keep it on to avoid difficult questions."

"What, like how can a vampire be a doctor?"

Carlisle quirked an amused eyebrow at her. "You're finding this very difficult to accept, aren't you?"

"It's blown my mind a little, yeah."

"I'm just going to pull your gown up a bit to look at your stomach," Carlisle said soothingly. Diane nodded self-consciously and held the bed sheets around her hips as Carlisle carefully gathered her gown around her ribs.

Bella barely held in a gasp. A red line ran down the center of her torso, crossed by the biggest stitches she had ever seen. The skin around it was a deep, deep purple, as though someone had spilled paint over Diane's stomach. Bella closed her eyes for a second, trying to regain her composure, and opened them to find Diane staring right at her.

Bella smiled slightly, trying to prove that she wasn't affected by the fact that her anchor was broken and she was suddenly adrift.

"Hey, do me a favor," Diane said casually, tugging her gown down a touch. "Will you get me something from the canteen? I'm seriously craving some chocolate, I can't even explain."

"Actually, you can't eat—" Carlisle started.

"Oh, what do you know?" Diane said dismissively. "You're not even a real doctor."

Bella chuckled under her breath, but still shot Carlisle a wince of apology. Sometimes she wasn't sure that everyone else got Diane's sense of humor.

"I'll get you something later," she said. "When the good doctor says I can."

"Then get something for yourself," Diane persisted. "You haven't been eating, I can tell. I'm fine, you can go."

Bella shook her head. "Di…"

"Bella." Diane raised an eyebrow, and fixed Bella with a stare she knew well. Diane always got her way when she raised that eyebrow.

Bella rolled her eyes, but was secretly relieved. She didn't want to see all the ways that Kahled had hurt her best friend, imagining what he must have done to leave all of those scars.

She walked over to Diane, and cradled her cheek in her hand, pressing a kiss against her temple. She breathed her in for a moment, a rush of love and relief overcoming her. She couldn't believe that someone had almost taken this away from her.

"I'm so glad you're back," she whispered against Diane's hot skin. "I've missed you."

"Yeah," Diane said thickly. She gripped Bella's hand for a long moment before letting go. "Now go, sort yourself out."

Bella frowned, thrown off slightly by Diane's choice of words. Diane rolled her eyes and muttered under her breath, "Fucking elephants."

Bella sighed. Diane was right, and she knew it, but that didn't mean she had to like it. She knew that she couldn't give Edward much right now, but after all that had happened, he at least deserved an explanation. She was just being cruel.

_Stop being such a coward_, she told herself. _You have to do something; you can't go on like this_.

She turned to Edward. "Will you come with me?"

He didn't meet her eyes, but then, she didn't expect him to. "If you like."

Bella led the way out of the room, smiling at the little blonde nurse, who gave her a little wave. Everyone was rushing about, looking tired and harassed, but the nurse remained a calm island in a sea of chaos. Edward followed her gaze, and frowned in what looked like unsettled confusion when the nurse met his eyes. Bella wondered what she was thinking to make Edward look like that, but she knew that she shouldn't ask; the woman was nice and didn't deserve having her innermost thoughts broadcasted to strangers.

As they entered the cafeteria, Bella scanned the room for the little boy. She hadn't seen him since the other day, when she had impressed him with her coin trick. She hoped that whoever he had been visiting was home now.

Unnerved by Edward's stony silence, Bella grabbed whatever food was closest and put it on a tray. It was only when they had seated themselves at a table that she looked at what she had bought: a slice of pizza, an apple, and a bottle of lemonade.

She picked up the pizza and stared at it. She had never felt less like eating in her life; it felt like all the butterflies in her stomach had gathered together to from one massive, flapping, super-butterfly.

"Do you remember the first time we ate together?" she asked eventually, her voice only slightly unsteady.

He studied her closely before saying, in a quiet, velvet voice that did nothing to settle her nerves, "The only time, I think."

She laughed under her breath, rolling the apple between her hands. "Yeah. I guess you're right."

His lips twitched in a poor imitation of a smile.

"I suppose you remember more of what we talked about than I do," she said softly, refusing to take her eyes from the apple in her hands. She felt his gaze on her skin like a warm ray of light.

"I remember everything," he said in a voice that sounded oddly cautious.

"You thought it was strange that I was so calm about everything. You seemed to think that I didn't understand, but it was _you_ that never got it."

He frowned at her, now responding. She took it as an invitation to continue.

"That day you…you told me that I needed a healthy dose of fear—that I wasn't scared enough of you. You were wrong. You thought I was naïve for feeling safe with you, but you never gave me a reason to be scared."

He sighed gently. "I gave you plenty of reasons, Bella."

"See, that's the problem. Our ideas of what I should be scared of never coincided. I _was_ frightened, just not in the way you thought I should be."

His eyes tightened. "What were you scared of?"

Bella smiled without humor. "Losing you."

The silence that followed was suffocating. It weighed horribly on Bella's shoulders, and she tried to shrug it off. "That's all," she muttered.

Edward sat back in his chair. He ran a hand through his hair and looked around, as if the right thing to say would suddenly appear somewhere in the room, and he just had to find it.

"I'm not blaming you," she said quickly. The lost look on his face broke her heart, and she couldn't stand it. "I don't want to go over all the things that went wrong, and how much we both messed it up. I just want you to understand why I haven't been more… forthcoming with my feelings about what we talked about the other night." She ignored the heat that flared in her cheeks. Just thinking about that night made her feel nervous. "I don't want to say anything I can't take back without knowing exactly what I want. There's just too much to lose, and I can't go through that again. That's…that's what I'm scared of."

She glanced up at him, but looked away quickly. The lost look had disappeared from his expression, leaving something that could possibly be hopeful. He reached forward, took the cap from her lemonade bottle, and rolled it between his fingers.

"You're right," he said. "I'm sorry."

"What?" she asked, confused. "I didn't —"

"I know, but I am sorry. I've been acting childishly, sulking and making you uncomfortable. I don't want to pressure you into doing something that will hurt you. What I said the other night was…"

"Unexpected?" she offered. "Intense? Terrifying?"

He glanced up at her through his lashes, his eyes bright. "Yes, something like that. It must have been quite a lot to take in."

"I'm still reeling," she said with a tiny chuckle. "There's just so much—"

"I understand. Take all the time you need, Bella. I'm not going anywhere."

"You're not?" she asked, almost silently, avoiding his eyes.

"Never. I feel it's only fair that I should warn you, though."

"Warn me?" she asked warily.

He smiled at her, that warm, cocky, crooked smile that he _knew_ made her brain stop working. "I'm not going to take this lying down, Bella. If you need time, then I'll give it to you. Happily. But I'll be using that time too. I'm going to prove to you that you can trust me. Because you can, absolutely."

Bella couldn't have stopped the massive grin that spread across her face if she'd tried. "Fair enough," she said, trying and failing to sound nonchalant. She caught his eye, but looked away in case she started laughing.

She was surprised at how easy this had been. She knew that she hadn't said much, not really, but it felt like a giant step. She had admitted why she was taking so much time, why she was finding it so difficult to tell him what she was feeling. She had experienced losing him once before, and it had almost destroyed her. Now, she knew that if she let herself be with him again, loved him again, lost him again…she wouldn't be able to survive that. The hatred and fury that she tried—and occasionally failed—to keep at bay during her dark moments would overwhelm her. She feared what she would do. She had to know that she could trust Edward, because she knew that she couldn't trust herself.

This didn't surprise her. She already knew what kind of person she had become, and even if she didn't like it sometimes, she still accepted it. No, what really surprised her was how much she wanted Edward to prove her wrong.

Bella finished her lunch in comfortable silence, reveling in the ease she could feel with him. When they finally stood up to leave, Bella pretended that she didn't see Edward pocketing the cap to her lemonade bottle. He pretended that he didn't notice the change in her heartbeat. They caught each other's gaze, smiled, and pretended they knew what they were doing.

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><p><strong>AN: I feel like we're getting somewhere. What do you think? Do you think Bella's doing the right thing with keeping Edward at arm's length? Do you think Edward's being a moody teenager, or finally stepping us his game? And what have the other Cullens been up to? Why am I asking all these questions? **


	21. Trust Issues

**A/N: So, so, so, so sorry. Seriously. My muse abandoned me for a long time – I think she sensed winter approaching and fucked off to Australia. To make it up to you, I am giving you a super long chapter. In fact it may be _too_ long, and probably should be cut in half, but it's been so goddamn long since I last posted I don't want to take any longer messing about. So here it is.**

* * *

><p>"Can you get banned from hospitals?"<p>

"I think that would defy the entire point of hospitals," Bella said, trying to sound nonchalant. "Why?"

"I don't think they liked me very much. They seemed really pissed." Diane winced, holding a hand against her stomach as the car jolted against a bump in the road.

"Sorry," Carlisle muttered.

"Of course they were pissed," Bella said, pressing herself even tighter against the car door. "You had really serious surgery four days ago and woke up out of a coma yesterday. It wouldn't have killed you to stay a bit longer."

"Blah, blah, blah," Diane said wearily. "Whatever, it's done. You can stop nagging now."

Bella narrowed her eyes briefly, then decided to keep her mouth shut. Diane had always been rather blunt, but since she had woken up, she had been downright rude. Bella knew why, of course, and couldn't blame Diane for not particularly caring about being tactful, still, it was starting to grate.

Bella leaned further against the car door in the pretense of looking at a passing sign. She was vaguely curious as to where they were going—she was pretty sure they'd already driven past their apartment—but mostly, she was trying to subtly avoid touching Edward.

Emmett and Rosalie had picked them up from the hospital in Edward's car, and since Diane was hurt, she had taken the front passenger seat. Carlisle was driving, so the rest of them were crammed into the back. Rosalie sitting on Emmett's lap hardly helped; he took up nearly two seats by himself. So Bella tried to melt herself into the door that she was pressed against, and pretended that the fact their thighs and arms were touching didn't freak her out. Because that would be pathetic.

She gained a little consolation from the fact that Edward seemed rather discomforted as well. He was uncharacteristically fidgety and agitated, and he kept making these strange, frustrated grunts.

"Dude, what is up with you?" Emmett asked. "You keep making these noises."

Edward pressed his lips together and glared at Emmett. He crossed his arms in sullen silence, knocking his elbow lightly against Bella's. She stared out the window even more intensely.

"You're being weird," Emmett announced.

Rosalie chuckled deep in her throat. "He's being pathetic. How can it bother you this much?"

"Shut up, Rose," Edward growled.

Bella felt her face burn. Did Rosalie really need to talk about this now, when they were all confined and couldn't run away?

"Get over yourself, _Eddie_," Rose snarled back.

"Yeah, right, you're one to talk."

"Jesus, you're such a control freak!"

"That's it!" Edward yelled. "Stop the car!"

"What?" Carlisle asked, alarmed.

"I'm not kidding, Carlisle, stop it now!"

Carlisle gently pulled over to the side of the road. Bella was completely confused. Edward looked angrier than she'd ever seen him, and Rosalie had her head buried in her hands, her shoulders shaking.

"Bella, can you move, please?" Edward asked, his lips barely moving.

Not even thinking about arguing, Bella opened the door and scrambled out of the car. Edward followed, stalked over to Carlisle's door and opened it.

"Get out, Carlisle."

Carlisle tried to look stern, but it seemed as though he were trying to hold back a smile. "Edward, we discussed this. Diane's hurt—"

"I'm serious, get out."

Edward and Carlisle swapped places, Edward sliding into the driving seat and Carlisle climbing in next to Bella. There was a very long silence as Edward signaled and merged into traffic, driving quite a bit faster than Carlisle had done, but just as cautiously.

"So," Emmett said, in a strangely tight voice. "Who had seven minutes?"

As one, Emmett, Rosalie and Carlisle burst out into loud peals of laughter. Diane turned in her seat and exchanged a bemused look with Bella.

"Are you done laughing at me, now?" Edward asked. Bella couldn't see his face, but she could hear the acute embarrassment in his voice.

"I had six." Carlisle, unsurprisingly, was the the first to control himself.

"I had eight," Emmett said through gasps of laughter. "I guess Alice had seven."

"She had ten," Rose said, smugly.

"What?" Emmett asked incredulously. "Alice lost a bet? We should make this some kind of national holiday."

"Yes, all right, that's quite enough now, thank you," Edward muttered, still very obviously embarrassed.

"I don't know what just happened," Diane said, her face caught between smiling and frowning.

Edward sighed deeply. "It's just … it's a forty zone," he said, an uncharacteristic whine in his voice. "He was going twenty-five … it felt like my head was going to explode."

Bella couldn't help it; she burst out laughing, setting the others off again. Edward hung his head over the steering wheel.

"I forgot …" Bella wheezed as her laughter started to die out. "I forgot you were such a freak about driving."

"I'm not a … shut up," Edward whined, but she thought she could hear a smile in his voice. Bella pressed a hand to her mouth, but couldn't stop the extremely girlie giggle that escaped. It had been so long since she had laughed so genuinely about something, she didn't want to stop.

Edward sped through Brooklyn in record time, but he was extremely careful to avoid bumps in the road and sharp accelerating or decelerating. Bella was actually impressed, but she didn't say anything because she felt that—after the earlier show of his obsessiveness—he shouldn't be encouraged.

After about twenty minutes of racing along various expressways, Edward veered off toward Forest Hills. Eventually, he pulled up outside a large redbrick house with a flat roof and turrets that made it look like a miniature castle. Alice obviously agreed with this assessment, because she was sitting on the front steps in a long, flowing green dress and a cheap plastic tiara with glitter that would be appropriate for a children's birthday party.

"Welcome!" Alice said cheerily as they climbed out of the car. "Enter ye to my grand abode and let us eat, drink and be merry! Except for the eating and drinking bit, 'cos you know, yuck. Except for you two, you can eat and drink. Where was I?"

Bella smiled and shook her head. "I've got to admit, I am pretty impressed. Though, I'm not sure I want to know how you managed to rent this place at such short notice."

"We didn't rent it, we bought it!" Alice cried delightedly. "And look, it was actually two houses, but we made it into one! I wasn't sure if we'd be able to get the permission so quickly, but the local authority is very easily blackmailed. I'm thinking of writing a letter."

"Fleurgh." Bella felt like she'd been punched in the stomach.

"Don't freak out," Alice implored. "It would have been dangerous for you to stay in your apartment, and this way we're in Queens and we can all stay together."

Bella took a deep, calming breath. She didn't want to appear ungrateful or crazy, so she forced herself to use her inside voice. "Please, just promise me you'll never _ever_ tell me how much this cost."

"Done!" Alice said happily. "Come in, I'll show you around."

Sighing heavily, Bella reached into the car and eased Diane out of the car, being careful not to hurt her. Diane, at least, looked very amused, and didn't seem to mind the vast amount of money the Cullens must have thrown around to get this done. Bella carried her up the stairs and lowered her into the wheelchair Emmett had brought in.

The hallway was huge and bright with yellow walls and dark wooden floorboards. It smelled like paint and polish and was rather bare, apart from the huge gilded mirror next to the front door. "This side of the house is ours," Alice said. "That room down there is mine and Jasper's." She waved at a dark oak door at the end of the hall. "And that's our living room." She indicated an open door to their right. Bella caught a glimpse of a large, bright space with soft white carpet. "Emmett and Rosalie are up the stairs and to the left, Carlisle and Esme are upstairs and to the right, and Edward's in the attic. You're through here—follow me!"

Dazed, Bella pushed Diane through a white door on their left, which opened up into large living space. It had the same white carpet as the other living area, with three huge brown leather couches angled toward an epic flat-screen television.

"This is your room, Diane," Alice continued, walking through the living room into a little hallway. "And yours is right next to it, Bella. You've both got ensuites, of course."

Bella pushed open the door Alice indicated and smiled. She couldn't help it. It wasn't as big and scary as she had expected. The walls were white, but one side was covered in dark blue and silver striped wallpaper. It was dominated by a large, cast-iron bed with blue sheets, but apart from that and a small vanity, it was mostly bare.

"And the kitchen's through here!" Alice said, ushering them away from admiring their bedrooms.

Once again, the walls were bare white, but the cabinets were dark black and seemed to sparkle, they were so new and clean. Bella had forgotten what it was like to be able to cook in a lovely, bright, clean kitchen. She couldn't wait to make something, which was an urge she thought had died quite a while ago. Could she even remember how to cook?

"What do you think?" Alice asked anxiously. "You didn't make any of the ooh-ing or ah-ing noises people do when they like something. I know you don't like a spectacle, Bella, but —"

"It's amazing, Alice," Bella interjected, putting the poor girl out of her misery. "You know it's amazing. Thank you—this is really great."

Alice's face lit up, and she made a strange squeeing noise as she rushed forward and grabbed Bella for a tight embrace. Bella laughed in relief as she hugged her back.

A door slamming made them jump apart. Bella looked around and realized that Diane had left. She closed her eyes briefly in something like defeat.

"She'll be all right," Alice said sympathetically. "She just needs time."

Bella smiled vaguely, walked to the kettle, filled it up and turned it on. Alice flitted beside her and showed her where the tea and coffee were kept. Bella had never seen such a varied display of teas in her life. She hovered for a moment, but finally decided on Jasmine tea, because she had always liked the Disney character. That seemed as good a reason as any.

"So this is what the big mystery was," Bella said wryly. "I am a little relieved—I thought it'd be much worse."

"Not too scary then?"

"No, not too scary." Her fingers drummed against the rapidly warming kettle, feeling the heat beginning to spread across her skin. "Are … are we okay, Alice?"

Alice looked up at her with huge eyes. "What do you mean? Of course we're okay. Why wouldn't we be?"

"I just sort of thought that you were … avoiding me."

"What? I've been here, sorting out this house!" she cried indignantly.

"I know, I'm sorry, but I didn't know that before and I kind of got it in my head that you were avoiding me, and it wouldn't go away," she said apologetically. "It's just, the other day, before all this happened, you seemed upset with me, and we haven't talked since then."

Alice pulled herself up onto the worktop and looked down at her knees. "I was upset," she said slowly. "But not with you, not really. This whole thing just … sucks."

Bella hummed and took a big sip of tea so that she wouldn't be expected to offer anything deeper.

"But I have been told by certain people that I cannot expect things to happen exactly as I want, exactly when I want," she continued, rolling her eyes dramatically. "And if you need time to figure out some stuff, then that's all right. Apparently, it's not a big deal and is only to be expected after what you've been through."

Bella raised an eyebrow archly. "Been discussing me, have you?"

"What can I say? I'm his favorite." She lowered her voice, and leaned in conspiringly. "This is the point where you say I'm your favorite, too."

"You're my favorite, too," she said playfully.

Alice clapped her hands together and jumped down from the worktop. "I'm going to go order some stuff for the house. Want to come?"

"It's probably best that I don't."

"As long as you understand that I'm just working on the house." She smirked. "And that I'm not avoiding you."

Bella laughed loudly, and with a wink, Alice had disappeared.

The kitchen seemed too big with Alice gone, but Bella stood there a long time, staring at the remains of her tea. She had a great expanse of time before her where she had nothing to do, and no one to see, yet instead of filling her with relief like it had just a week ago—had it only been a week?—she felt strangely empty.

The sound of tinkling laughter broke her haze, and she glanced up at the white door Alice had closed behind her. She could hear the Cullens in their living room in the other side of the house, talking and occasionally laughing—doing family stuff, she guessed. For a terribly long moment, she fought against an irrepressible sense of loneliness that seemed to well up from her toes and gather like a mist in her chest. She was only separated from them by a couple of walls and empty space, but in that moment, the distance felt infinite.

She reasoned that she was making herself accessible to Diane by staying in the kitchen, but it was a lie. Diane had been surrounded by people since she had woken up, and Bella knew that she wouldn't want company for a while. She had been seriously injured and witnessed the death of someone who she truly loved, and there must have been a part of her that blamed Bella for it. There was nothing that Bella could do right now to make anything better, and she knew it.

The truth was … the truth was that she missed Edward. Despite the tension that had lingered between them over the last few days, she had grown used to his company. Even when they had sat in absolute silence, staring obstinately in opposite directions, she had taken comfort in the fact that he was just there. She had only been separated from him for mere minutes, and she already missed that silence, missed his presence, missed—most of all—the times when he broke that silence and made her laugh, or allowed her to make him laugh.

She really wanted to hear him laugh again.

The thought disturbed her. She had seen, over and over again, how love ruined people. Didn't she have the perfect example in just the other room? Poor Diane, who had allowed herself to be drawn in by the promise of something good, only to see it torn to pieces in front of her eyes. She was better off alone.

Then why was it so damned hard?

So, like the addict that swore one more couldn't hurt, she stood up and walked slowly to Diane's door.

"I'm going to call a meeting about Kahled," she said quietly, knowing that Diane could hear her, but giving her the option to pretend that she couldn't.

There was a long silence, and Bella had just turned to leave when she heard, "Yeah, just … just give me a second."

Diane emerged from her room a few minutes later, with the skin around her eyes red and puffy, ineffectively covered by make-up. Bella smiled tightly and didn't say anything. She couldn't think of anything to say that could make Diane feel any better, and asking how she was seemed almost cruel. So she just pushed Diane in her wheelchair across the hallway and into the other living room.

They were all there. Alice and Esme were crouched over a laptop on one of the couches, discussing the various benefits of oak and pine furniture. Jasper was sitting opposite them, legs crossed, reading an old, musty-smelling book in a language Bella didn't recognize. Carlisle was kneeling on the floor, surrounded by a circle of papers and frowning. Rosalie was sitting on Emmett's lap, curling a lock of his hair around her finger as he stared at the chessboard in front of him with so much concentration it looked painful.

Edward was sitting on the couch opposite him, looking highly amused. He was leaning back casually, one foot resting on the table in front of him, his head tilted slightly as he watched Emmett's struggle.

"That's not going to work," he said smugly.

"Look!" Emmett cried suddenly. "Bella and Diane are here! We should all stop everything we're doing and concentrate on them."

Blood rushed to Bella's face as everyone followed Emmett's advice and turned to stare at her.

"Oh, um…" she mumbled awkwardly.

"Ignore him," Edward said kindly. "He just wants to avoid losing to me. Again."

Emmett glared at him. "Not everything is about you, Mr. Mind Reader. Maybe I'm just really interested in what Bella has to say."

"I'm more interested in what you lot have to say," Bella said, still slightly embarrassed at the way they were staring at her. "I mean—"

"Kahled," Diane interrupted roughly. "We need a plan."

"To make a plan, we need to find out something, anything, about him," Bella said heavily. She wandered over to a couch and sat down next to Edward without thinking. It was only when she felt her heartbeat automatically increase to his proximity that she realized what she had done, and that she could hardly have found a more distracting place to sit.

"What do we have?" Jasper prompted.

"Kahled Kaldas—nineteen years old, American citizen, Indian descent, lived in Queens," Bella rattled off. "Became a vampire about three weeks ago. Seven victims so far, the first being his mother and two brothers. They were killed cleanly. Three were his father and two middle-aged Indian men, who—as far as we know—had no connection to him. He bit them, kept them hidden for approximately two days while they went through the change, and then decapitated them. He…"

Bella hesitated and glanced over at Diane. Diane stared back steadily and nodded once.

"He's talked to Victoria, who has evidently told him about us," she continued. "He used Jo to isolate and attack Diane. Victoria told him not to hurt me or Edward, so when Edward turned up, he disappeared, and we haven't heard from him since."

"Do you think he'll try attacking again?" Alice asked nervously.

"I kind of hope he does," Bella replied grimly. "It's probably the only way we'll be able to find him."

"We can patrol again. We caught his scent once in the tunnels—we can do it again," Alice protested.

"It's too dangerous," Jasper said in his soft, calming voice. "We underestimated how strong he is, and we can't risk wandering around in small groups, blindly trying to find him. He could just as easily find us, or follow us back here. Besides, we don't know for sure that he is using the tunnels on a regular basis."

"He must have used them to get to the police station," Diane said, her voice hard. "It was sunny that day."

"We could go back there, try and follow his scent to wherever he's hiding now," Emmett boomed enthusiastically.

"That was four days ago. None of us are good enough to track such a weak trail," Jasper countered.

"We have to do something," Bella asserted. "We can't just let him get away with this."

"Believe me, Bella, he's not getting away with anything," Jasper said grimly. "But we can't just stumble around and hope for the best. We need to find out where he is and base a plan of attack around that environment. Kahled is still an unknown, so we need to find out everything we can about everything else. Our main priority is making sure no one else gets hurt."

A brief silence followed this speech. Bella felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted from her shoulders. With Jasper leading them, she thought that they were as safe as they could possibly be.

"So, how will we find out where he is?" Alice asked.

"Kahled is mad," Edward said bluntly. "His mind is chaotic and frenzied—he can barely catch a thought before it's torn away. But in some things, he is disturbingly determined. When he attacked Diane and Jo, he wasn't thinking clearly, but something was driving him to act, something more powerful than a mere thought. I'm not sure he could even remember why he was doing it. He just knew he had to."

"That's rather unsettling, but how is that going to help us find him?" Bella asked.

"It'll help us find him because we can understand his motives, and so anticipate his actions. It shows us that his killings aren't just part of a game or casual whim, but compulsion: a compulsion that is more powerful that newborn bloodlust. From what I saw of his mind, he won't stop killing, and his pattern won't change just because he knows we're after him."

"So we can track him through his victims," Jasper summarized helpfully.

"I can still break into New York's police databases," Diane said quietly, without the eagerness she had shown in previous hunts. "Find people from missing persons that fit with his M.O. We can find out where they were most likely taken from, and see if we can follow a scent from there."

"You have to be missing for twenty-four hours before you go on that database," Bella said doubtfully. "Do you think we'd still be able to catch his scent?"

"It depends where it is, but twenty-four hours shouldn't be a problem," Jasper said.

"What will we do then?" Bella asked.

"We'll do recon and create a plan based on what we find out," Jasper replied. "We can't afford to risk—"

A loud howl cut across Jasper's words of caution and made Bella jump in her seat. She swore under her breath and struggled to extract her ringing cell phone from her pocket while everyone stared at her, again.

"Sorry, sorry," she muttered as she finally managed to wrest the phone from her jeans. Her thumb moved to dismiss the call, but the number that flashed on the screen made her hesitate.

"Who is it?" Diane asked. "Dwaipayan?"

She stared at the number, unsure why the sight of it made her feel as though she had missed a step. She didn't recognize it. She was sure she didn't. It didn't even look like it was American. Who did she know that would call her from overseas?

"I don't know," Bella whispered, inexplicably anxious. "I don't think so." She answered the call, and asked hesitantly, "Hello?"

"Am I speaking to Miss Swan?"

Bella jumped out of her seat. Her heart was suddenly thumping manically in her chest, her head spinning, a feeling of nausea rising in her throat. She had thought she would never have to hear that voice again. She had been counting on it.

Panicked, Bella looked to Diane, who was staring at her in the same shock—her mouth open, her eyes impossibly wide.

"Swan?"

_Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!_

Bella swallowed loudly. "Y-yes, it's me. How … how are you, sir?"

"I have to admit, I am a little concerned."

Bella pressed a fist to her forehead, squeezing her eyes shut. She felt dangerously close to either hysterically laughing or vomiting all over the floor.

"Who …"

Diane slapped a hand over Alice's mouth so quickly, everyone jumped. Alice was so surprised, she didn't even look affronted.

"C-concerned, sir?" Bella cursed herself silently, wishing she could stop stuttering. She didn't want to sound as though she was scared.

"Yes, concerned," he said, his accented voice clipped. "Do you know why?"

_I can think of a few reasons,_ Bella thought frantically.

"No, sir, I don't know."

Alice typed something on the computer she still had on her lap and passed it to Diane. Diane typed a quick response and tilted the screen toward her. Alice raised her eyebrows in understanding.

"I have just received a phone call from Sinha, and I have a few questions about this arrangement you've apparently made."

Bella's legs buckled with relief, and she had to fight with the urge to burst out laughing. Dwaipayan. He wanted to talk about _Dwaipayan_.

"Oh, yes, that," Bella said quickly. "Yes, well, I saw in the newspaper about the disappearances and deaths in Seattle, and I phoned him to ask him about it. My father lives near there, sir, and I was worried."

"I know about the trouble in Seattle," he said. She struggled to pay close attention. Sometimes his accent was difficult to decipher. It was an extremely strange accent, as though it didn't belong to one country, but to the entire world. "Sinha called me when he realized what he was dealing with. He requested reinforcements, and I was busy organizing transportation when he called me today to tell me that it was no longer necessary. He said that you had something to do with this."

Bella caught Diane's eyes and pointed at the computer on her lap. Diane turned it, showing an open Word document, which read:

_Who is it?_

_Pierre Gaudet, he runs the Academy. Sort of like the headmaster._

"Yes, sir," Bella said, nodding at Diane. "I just suggested that he could contact some of my friends who would be willing to help him out."

"Werewolves?"

"No, they're not werewolves, sir. They're shape-shifters that can turn into wolves. They've been protecting their land from vampires for about eight years now— though they're part of an ancient ancestry—and they're always pretty eager for a fight."

"Are they any good?" Gaudet asked bluntly.

"Yes, sir. They're very strong and fast. They haven't had any formal training, but when they're transformed they create a psychic link, so they work together as a perfect team. I …" Bella hesitated, suddenly uncertain. "I'm sorry if I was out of line, sir. I was only trying to help."

"You haven't acted out of line, Swan. I remember Sinha from school, and he never acted particularly rationally. I merely wanted to make sure that he was safe and that my help was no longer needed, but it seems as though you two have it under control."

Bella grinned to herself. She hadn't imagined that the conversation would end like this, with him actually—sort of—praising her. Had she really managed to have an entire conversation with Pierre Gaudet without threats, accusations and/or crying? She felt strangely light-headed.

"Since I've called you," Gaudet said casually. "How is Miss Knox? Is she better?"

"Oh, she's going to be fine," Bella said unthinkingly. "It was scary for a while, but she's healing …"

She trailed off, horrified. The nausea returned with double-strength.

"How did you—"

"I have eyes and ears everywhere, Swan, especially in New York City."

Her brain felt frozen. She knew she had to say something to somehow save this situation, but her mind refused to do anything but free fall.

"Would you care to explain yourself?"

Bella walked toward the window, feeling all of their eyes on her, unable to look at any of them.

"I think, sir," she said softly, staring at a child riding past on a bicycle, "that you have probably guessed most of it."

"You are working with vampires," Gaudet said swiftly.

"Yes, sir."

"You knew these vampires before you ever came to the Academy."

"Yes, sir."

"You care about them."

Bella sighed heavily. "Yes, sir."

"And I am assuming that they do not hurt humans."

"You're right, sir—they don't."

"This is where I stop being able to guess. This is serious, Swan. Think carefully about what you want to say to me."

"I …" Bella turned slowly, shooting Diane an apologetic look. This was all Bella's fault. If Diane was punished, or thrown out, or hurt in some way because of this, she could never forgive herself. Diane typed on the computer again and showed her the words, 'Just tell him the truth.'

Bella's eyes moved of their own accord to Edward, who stared back at her, completely still. He didn't smile, or nod, or make any attempt to encourage her. They just looked at each other for a long moment.

She took a deep breath and began, "I met them when I was sixteen. I had moved to Forks to live with my father, and they were living there, too. They stay in a place as long as they can, so the younger-looking members of the family had enrolled in the high school, pretending to be foster children of the older-looking couple. I had some classes with them, and we became friends."

Diane typed a question mark on the computer, but Bella just shook her head. Gaudet didn't need to know about Edward—that was none of his business.

"I got hurt because of my relationship with them. It could have ended really badly—"

"That scar on your hand," Gaudet interrupted.

"Yes, sir. They left soon after that," she said, smudging the time lines just a little. "Then I changed, and I came to the Academy. You know what happened then. I met them again a week ago. One of them was in trouble, and I promised to help. In return, they offered to help Diane and me with our own problem. There's a vampire in New York, a newborn, and he's the one who hurt Diane a few days ago. They're helping us. They saved Diane's life."

"Yes, that would be Edward Cullen, am I right?"

Something strange happened to her body then. It felt as though insects were crawling all over her skin, but she couldn't move a muscle.

"And she was being treated by Dr. Carlisle Cullen," he continued, his voice dark. "And was visited by Esme, Rosalie and Emmett Cullen. Don't be so arrogant as to think you can lie to me."

Bella curled her hand into a fist. She took a moment before speaking, because she was so angry she didn't think she could form words.

"I have told you the truth, _sir_," she said, her voice shaking. "I didn't imagine you would be upset if I tried to protect the identities of my friends, but I certainly did not lie to you. If you think you can intimidate me by talking to me like this, you are mistaken. I will view any threats or attempts to hurt my friends as a personal attack against me, and I will not be afraid to defend myself."

"Bella!" Diane gasped, horrified.

Bella ignored her, breathing heavily as she waited for Gaudet to speak, adrenaline pumping through her veins.

She knew he must have been furious that she dared to talk to him like that, but his voice was deliberately soft as he said, "I am sorry if you misunderstood me. It was not my intent to intimidate you and I did not want to cause offense.

She relaxed slightly, but couldn't make herself uncurl her fist. "I just wanted to make sure that we were on the same page."

"That we are," he said reassuringly. "I always knew you had a secret like this, Swan. Chia Huang noticed your scar the moment she met you, and there's only one thing that can cause us permanent damage."

"Yes, sir, I know."

"It is one of the reasons you are so valuable to us … but we have talked of this before."

Bella stayed silent.

"What I am trying to say is, I trust your judgment. If you believe that you are acting in the wisest manner, then I will support your decision, but please know that if you need help, we will always give it."

"Thank you, sir," she said, relieved yet also deeply unsettled. He said that he trusted her judgment. Why was he lying to her? Everything he had ever done in regards to her proved that he had no faith in her whatsoever.

"There is one other reason I called you today," Gaudet said, almost tentatively. Bella had the inexplicable feeling that whatever he was going to say now was the real reason he had called, and that he was worried about it. "I wanted to know if you had heard about Miss Sternberg."

Bella frowned. "Sorry, sir, who?"

"Sternberg. Margot Sternberg."

Something molten rose in her stomach, and she had to hold a hand against the wall to steady herself. "Margot?" she whispered.

"Yes. I'm afraid that she was killed two days ago."

She couldn't say anything. She felt that if she opened her mouth, all that would come out would be a scream. _That son of a bitch_.

"I thought you would have wanted to hear it from me," he continued, evidently disturbed by her silence.

"Actually, I would have rather heard it from anyone _but_ you," she spat, unable to contain the venom in her voice.

"I'm sorry," he said simply. It didn't soften her.

"She left the Academy _one year ago_," she fumed. "She should never have been allowed to go into the field. She couldn't fight like the rest of us … but it's not like you didn't know that. It's not like you didn't use it to your advantage."

"She passed the test. There aren't enough of us—we can't afford to deny the ones that choose to fight."

"You should have protected her. Even if she did want to fight, you could have given her a partner," Bella insisted.

"There aren't enough of us," he repeated heavily.

"No, but there are enough that you can put two of us in New York, aren't there?"

"There have always been two slayers in New York. The amount of vampires—"

"Don't give me that," Bella snapped. "I could handle this city on my own, and you know it."

There was a long silence, and Bella knew that she had him.

"You're still the best fighter I've ever seen," he said reluctantly. "Knowing your history, I had to make the best decision for all of us. I couldn't leave you on your own because I didn't trust you to stay without an influence. I can't afford to lose you."

"But you could afford to lose Margot," Bella said, disgusted by him. "Because she just wasn't quite good enough."

Gaudet sighed, which enraged her even more. She didn't want him to give up; she wanted him to keep defending himself so that she could continue to tear him down.

"I just wanted to make sure that you knew," he said eventually, sounding impossibly tired. "And the offer still stands. If you ever need help …"

Bella hung up the phone, refusing to listen to him pretend to be kind.

She continued to stare out of the window, unable to see anything. Everything was falling apart. Gaudet knew about the Cullens, he had been spying on her since the start, Margot was dead … nothing made sense any more. She didn't see the reason for anything. How had she let him have this power over her? How had she allowed herself to be trapped like this?

"Bella?" a voice said. She didn't know whose voice it was, couldn't even tell if it was male or female, vampire or human. "Are you—"

She didn't wait for the person to finish, she just strode out of the room, never looking anywhere but the floor before her feet.

She slammed the door of her bedroom shut behind her and just stood there, shaking, for an indeterminable amount of time.

Her world was crumbling around her, and all she could do was watch it fall.

Bella had been cooking all day. She had woken up early, unable to sleep from memories, and decided to make use of their beautiful kitchen to make herself an omelet. Immediately afterwards, she had washed up, stood by the sink for a long time, unsure what to do next, and decided to make something else for lunch.

She had caught herself in a cycle where she had cooked, washed up, tried to think of something else to do, and started cooking again. She enjoyed doing something productive, keeping herself busy.

She could hear the Cullens in their living room, talking and watching television, but she felt too embarrassed about the day before to take advantage of their company. She didn't want them to ask questions that she wasn't prepared to answer, and she didn't want to pretend that everything was all right. So she cooked, and she cleaned, and she allowed the smells of the food to calm her.

"Something smells good."

Bella turned and smiled vaguely at Diane, before doing a double-take. Her smile turned into something more genuine.

"Had enough of the wheelchair?"

Diane smiled as she leant against the countertop. She looked tired but relatively happy.

"I woke up and rolled out of bed this morning," she said, breathing in the vapors rolling off of the tomato soup simmering on the hob. "I was half-way dressed before I realized what I was doing."

"That's great, Di. You'll be back to normal in no time. Do you want dinner? There's soup, or you can heat something up from the fridge. Or freezer. I kind of went crazy with the cooking."

Diane opened the fridge and laughed at the amount of Tupperware crammed on the shelves. "Yeah, I see that. I'll have some soup, though, since it's already hot."

Bella ladled some soup into a bowl and handed it over, turning off the heat and letting it cool. She wasn't hungry; she had eaten so much just by tasting the food she was making. She turned her back to Diane and started to fill the sink with water, waiting for it to warm up.

"Hey," Diane said, tentatively. "Are you okay, B?"

"Yeah, 'course," she said, sounding too cheery. She shook her head, and continued in a more normal-sounding voice. "Seriously, I'm fine. I'm sorry about freaking out yesterday. That man really knows how to push my buttons."

"I didn't know you knew him so well. I only met him a handful of times. I don't think I ever said more than a few words to him."

Bella chuckled quietly, without humor. "Yeah, well, he took a special interest in me."

"I can't believe you talked to him like that."

"It's what he expected," Bella said heavily, scrubbing at a wooden chopping board. It had been brand new the day before, and it was already covered in knife marks. "He never would have told me about Margot unless he wanted me to react like that. I think he felt guilty, and he knew I was the only one that would dare confront him about it."

Diane stared at her darkly, her jaw tight and her head tilted in a way that seemed confrontational. "Actually, I'm more surprised that you basically told Gaudet that you'd kill him if he came near the vampires."

"I never wanted him to find out about them," Bella said softly. "The truth is, I don't trust him. I wouldn't put it past him to hurt them to get to me. It's his style. I don't want to ever give him a reason to try anything, but if he did, I needed to make sure he knew what would happen."

"So, you meant it?"

"Of course I meant it."

Diane fell silent, and Bella could hear her blowing on her hot soup. She concentrated on trying to clear the holes of the garlic press.

"I'm sorry about your friend," Diane said quietly.

"She wasn't my friend. I barely even knew her."

"What?" Diane asked, sounding almost angry. "But you were so upset!"

"I was—I am—but not really because of her. It's more what she represents that upsets me, and what her death means because of that."

"What does she represent?" Diane asked bluntly. Bella had the feeling that she was being used as a distraction again, and although it irritated her, she couldn't find it in her to care all that much.

"Do you remember when you decided to do this?" Bella asked, turning around so that she could meet Diane's eyes. "That moment that you chose to make this your life?"

Diane frowned slightly, obviously wondering if Bella was trying to change the subject. "No. I don't think I had a moment like that. I knew I was going to do it the moment I found out about it."

Bella raised her eyebrows. She couldn't help but be jealous of Diane's certainty. "Well, you can probably guess that I wasn't like that. I had to be convinced. Gaudet tried to talk me into it a few times over my first year, but he could see that I wasn't going to budge. So he used more drastic measures."

"Like what?"

Bella sighed. She didn't want to lie to Diane, yet she knew she didn't have the strength right now to be honest. "He showed me what I stood to lose if I left. He showed me what I was turning my back on."

Diane looked frustrated by her vague answer. "What's that? What does this have to do with Margot?"

Tears sprung unexpectedly to Bella's eyes, and she ducked her head before Diane could see. "Margot was just another innocent," she said roughly. "She was exactly the sort of person he promised me I could help, and now she's dead. He threw her life away like it was fucking _nothing_. Goddamn it," she swore under her breath as emotion choked her throat.

"I'm sorry," Diane muttered into her soup.

"Don't be."

"I shouldn't have badgered—"

"I wouldn't have answered if I didn't want to," Bella insisted. "I just need to sort my head out. Too much is going on right now, and I just want to slow it down."

"Hence the cooking," Diane observed shrewdly.

Bella managed to crack a smile. "Yeah, hence the cooking. I thought I could take today, you know? Just hide away, and hope that, for just one day, nothing will be able to find me."

At her words, someone knocked loudly on the front door. Bella felt her heart sink. She should have known.

"Don't worry," Diane said breezily. "I don't think it's anything big and scary. It's probably just a delivery for Alice."

Bella allowed herself to relax, only to tense right back up again as she heard a very distinctive voice at the front door say, "I am looking for Isabella."

"What the fuck?" she muttered to herself desperately. Leaving an alarmed Diane in the kitchen, Bella ran out of the kitchen, through the living room, and skidded in the hallway, staring at the person standing in front of Alice with a mixture of shock and wariness.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded.

River raised a thin, painted eyebrow; her gaze was steady even though, to her, it must have seemed that Bella had appeared from nowhere.

"I need to talk to you," she said haughtily, staring over Alice's head, pretending as if she wasn't there.

"Right," Bella said. She hesitated for a moment. She really didn't want to talk to River, and didn't particularly want to invite her into her house, but at the very least she needed to find out how River knew where to find her. Just so that she could make sure no one else would be able to. "Come in."

Alice stepped back, her eyes fixed suspiciously on River. "I think I'll—"

"_Alone_," River said emphatically, still refusing to look Alice in the eye.

"Sure," Bella said wildly. The world was determined to screw her over, why should she bother trying to stand in its way? "Why the hell not? It's not like I was doing anything, anyway."

She waved River in and directed her toward her living room. She was about to follow, but the way River moved made her pause. She was practically brisk. River always put up such a sexy, mysterious façade, moving with the fluid grace of a jungle cat. It made Bella nervous that River looked, for once, like a normal person.

"Can you get Edward?" Bella whispered to Alice. "Ask him to listen in."

Alice nodded and sprinted up the stairs.

River looked odd against the brightness of the room. She was dressed all in black, with bright red lips, her pointed teeth just about visible against her bottom lip. It made Bella think back to the first time Edward took her to his house, and how surprised she had been by his family. If she was honest, she had almost expected them to look like River did now.

"Do you want some coffee, or tea?" she asked.

"No, I need your help."

Bella frowned as she sat down, indicating that River should follow suit. River perched on the edge of the couch, her fingernails digging into her knees.

"My help?"

"Yes, I need you to help me with ... with vampires."

Bella fought the urge to roll her eyes. She really did _not_ need this right now.

"I'm sorry, River, but I'm really busy at the moment," she said impatiently. "I haven't got time to get embroiled with your games."

River bristled. "I am not talking about the club," she hissed. "I'm talking about _real_ vampires."

After a brief moment of panic, Bella plastered a tiny smile onto her face. "There's no such thing," she said lightly, as if she thought the whole thing was a joke, but her eyes were hard as they scrutinized River's tight features.

"You can drop the act," River said lowly. "I've figured you out."

Bella leaned back, draping her arm across the top of the couch. "Yeah? What have you figured out exactly?"

"You only come to my club when one of my patrons has been killed," River said darkly. "You became a member after Marion, and then you disappeared for months. Then Jacques died and you came back, just for one night, only to disappear again. Then it was Selene, and most recently, of course, it was Xensor. For a while, I thought it was you."

"_Excuse_ me?" Bella asked indignantly, truly insulted and hurt. "You come barging in _my_ house and accuse me of murder? Where do you get off?"

"Oh, but you are capable of murder, aren't you?" River asked, her dark eyes unbelievably hard. "You just don't hurt _humans_."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I was this close to going to the police," River continued. "I know I had no evidence, but I had to try to protect my family. Then you brought your friend, Edward, to my club, and I knew that something was wrong. That _I_ was wrong. He is very beautiful, isn't he? Pale skin, dark eyes, a rather unearthly quality to the way he moves and talks … I have seen that kind of beauty before, Isabella. I had just never connected them together."

"I really _don't_ think—"

"Because it was _them_ that you were after, wasn't it?" River pressed. "I was so distracted with the deaths and my suspicions that I never realized that when someone died, _they_ would always disappear too, those beautiful creatures. You come to my club when there is a death because you want to find them, because you kill them to stop them hurting humans. Because they're vampires and you're a _vampire slayer_."

Bella stared into River's dark eyes, seeing the conviction there, hesitating for a moment, but anger at River's accusation stayed her pity. "You watch too much TV," she said finally, standing up. "Get out of my house."

"No," River said, standing up as well, her eyes wild. "Not until you hear what I've got to say."

"I've heard you, and it's crazy. You need to leave."

"There's always a scorch mark in the alley, and a pile of ashes—"

"I don't know what—"

"Their skin is cold as ice—"

"You need to—"

"No!" River cried desperately. "Stop lying to me! I'm not threatening you, I'm not trying to—I just need your help. He's taken Omar's father, and I need to—you're the only one…" River covered her face with her hands and she fell back onto the couch, her whole body shaking.

It felt like Bella had stuck her finger in an electric socket. _Omar's father … he's taken Omar's father_.

She carefully lowered herself back into the chair.

"Who's taken Omar's father?" Bella asked quietly.

River looked up, her eyes red. "Are you saying you'll—"

"I'm not saying anything," she interrupted. "Just tell me."

River sat up straight, sniffing loudly, trying to compose herself. "I've never met him, but Omar told me. He said his name was Kahled Kaldas."

River's eyes traveled over Bella's face, trying to decipher from her expression why the atmosphere had suddenly changed.

"Tell me everything you know," Bella said, in a very cold and detached voice. "_Everything_. Don't leave anything out."

"Omar is my … well, I care about him very much," River said quickly, as if she was worried that Bella would change her mind, and force her to leave. "He came to me last night, worried and upset. Salid Kaldas was his doctor, and their families used to be very close, so Omar was devastated when he heard what had happened to them. Do you know—"

"Yes, I know," Bella interrupted. "Go on."

"Omar was visiting his parents' house in Queens when Kahled came. They were so happy to see him—they thought he was dead—and it took Omar a long time to overcome his relief and realize that something was wrong. Kahled didn't look the same; his eyes were bright red, and when Omar embraced him, apparently he was cold and his skin was hard—like freezing diamonds, he said. Kahled said that he was in trouble, and he asked Omar's father for help. He left with Kahled without question, saying that he would do anything for him. But Omar was worried, and he followed them.

"They only walked for about twenty minutes, to the First Reformed Church of Jamaica. Omar thought that they were going to go inside, but instead Kahled opened up a grate in the street. He kept his distance, but he said that it looked like they were arguing, and Kahled pushed … he pushed Omar's father into the hole and slipped in after him. He wanted to call the police, but he was scared, and he phoned me instead, and I … I told him not to call them. I thought I knew …"

River's words trailed away, and she gazed at Bella with such frantic hopefulness that Bella softened and gave her a tiny smile.

"I don't know why I was so convinced," River muttered to herself, one of her hands tugging her hair. "It's madness, but for some reason I was so completely sure that you were the person I had to find. I was right, wasn't I?"

"Yes, you were right," Bella said softly. She felt so sorry for River that she had to alleviate her fear, even though she knew she couldn't tell her the absolute truth. "The police won't be able to do anything."

"But you will?"

"I'll try. I promise you that I will try."

"But I was right about … Kahled is a vampire, isn't he?"

"River," Bella leaned forward, a wicked gleam in her eye. "There are no such things as vampires."

River let out a breath of laughter.

"You should go back to Omar," Bella said, rising from the chair. "Tell him that you have found help. Just, please, don't tell him anything else. I know that it'll be hard, but it will keep him safe."

River nodded, standing up and wiping her fingers underneath her eyes. Bella ushered her to the front door, but River hesitated on the threshold.

"Here," she said, fishing in her bag for a moment before forcing something into Bella's hand. "Whichever way it goes, can you please call or text me? Just so we know what's happened to him."

"Of course," Bella said earnestly. "And if you have any trouble in the club, you know, if you see anything suspicious at all, you can call me."

River smiled, her whole face softening, looking rather beautiful. "I will. Thank you."

Bella closed the door behind her, the quiet _clack_ of the lock engaging reverberating loudly in the air.

She took a long moment to compose herself, not wanting to show anyone how suddenly and acutely scared she was. She jumped when Diane clapped her on the shoulder.

"Come on," Diane said with grim satisfaction. "Let's figure out how to finish this thing."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'm not blackmailing here, but know that every time someone gave me a review, a huge enormous feeling of guilt overwhelmed me and pushed me toward actually getting this thing finished. DutchGirl01, everyone has to thank you that they're getting this today and weeks from now.**


	22. That's No Way To Say Goodbye

Bella followed Diane into the Cullen's living room, raising her eyebrows when she saw them all huddled over what looked like extensive blue prints of some kind of tunnel system.

Alice smirked at her. "I took the opportunity of liberating these when I got the permission to convert the house."

"Of course you did." Bella rolled her eyes. "Can you see where River was talking about?"

"Yes, there's an entrance to the tunnels right by the church here," Edward said, pointing at the map. "And we think it's likely that he's using this space, where the tunnel bends, as his base."

"_We_ think?" Rose asked haughtily.

"Jasper does, and I happen to agree."

"Well, for those of us who can'tread minds, would you care to explain your logic?"

"Going from these maps, it's quite a large space, almost like a cave," Jasper said patiently. "It has three exit points, so he can't be easily cornered, and it's close to the church."

"Why do you think he's staying near to the church?" Bella asked, leaning over the map, her eyes skittering all over. "It could have just been the most convenient place to join the tunnels."

"River said that he pushed Omar's father, so he would have been injured, possibly even bleeding," Jasper explained. "It doesn't matter how much control he has, it would be painful to force a bleeding human to walk very far, especially when he's scared and is likely to try and escape. It's possible, I suppose, that Kahled could bite him and then carry him to another location, but why would he go to all that trouble when he has this handy little alcove only a few meters away?"

The room was silent for a long moment as the realization hit home. _We have him_.

"Of course," Jasper continued, suddenly sounding uncharacteristically hesitant. "There is the chance that this is all a trap. I mean … isn't this a bit too easy?"

Bella pressed her lips together and stared at Jasper thoughtfully. She might have imagined it, but she felt the weight of the room's attention on her, as though what she said next would decide everything.

She took a breath, looked Jasper hard in the eyes, and said, "Who cares?"

Jasper grinned at her, a harsh, eager grin that made his eyes sparkle dangerously. "Good point."

"I'm sorry." Bella turned, broken out of her intense interchange with Jasper by Carlisle's kind voice. It sounded incongruous in the conversation they were having. "I feel like I'm a little out of the loop. How is 'who cares' a good point? We need to discuss this possibility properly."

"This is the only lead we have, Carlisle," Bella said, trying to sound comforting, though she could hear her voice rising and thickening with every word she spoke. "If there is the tiniest of chances that Kahled is going to be there tonight—waiting for us or not—then that is where we're going to be. If this is a trap, then he's made a big mistake. He thinks he knows us, because of what Victoria has told him, but he has _no_ idea. Plus, we have something he couldn't possibly know about." She slapped her hand onto the table, her palm directly over the part of the map they suspected him to be hiding, as though she could crush him from the living room. "If he thinks he has a home-ground advantage, he is sorely fucking mistaken. All we need is a good plan, and he's ashes by midnight."

Unsurprisingly, it was Jasper who responded.

"We need to block his exits, make sure he can't run away. He's a newborn, so he'd easily outrun all of us, probably even you, Edward. There are other entry points for the tunnel a mile or so from the cave, here and here, so we can have two people at each end, both moving toward him at the same time, whilst also having someone guarding the church entrance, keeping him cornered."

Bella nodded. "It sounds good. If we find ourselves up against more than we expected, we'll have three exits. If it comes to that."

"I'll be able to tell if he's alone."

Edward's low voice caused something sharp to run up Bella's spine. It took her a moment to realize that it was panic, and another to realize that she hadn't so much as looked at him since she had entered the room.

"All right." Bella thought that no one could possibly hear the slightest tremble in her voice. "So that's settled. Now we've just got to decide who those three fighters are going to be."

"I want to be there."

Bella turned to Diane, her expression sympathetic, but firm. "I know you do, but you can't."

"What if I don't care?" Diane responded, without much heat. Her hand tugged unconsciously at the cast still enfolding her left arm.

"It doesn't make a difference if you care or not, it's not going to happen."

Diane looked unsurprised by the verdict and said no more. Bella knew that Diane hadn't expected to be allowed to go, but she had needed to at least attempt to argue.

"We don't really need to discuss this," Edward said, sounding suspiciously complacent. "We've already decided who the best team would be."

She couldn't help it; her eyes snapped to his like a reflex. "What are you talking about?"

Edward leveled her with a steady stare, giving her the impression that he was preparing himself for an argument. "We talked about it earlier, and we agreed that Jasper, Alice and I would have the best chance at defeating Kahled."

"When you say 'we'," Bella snapped. "I guess you mean everyone except me."

"I wasn't there," Diane muttered. They ignored her.

"It's the obvious choice," Edward said calmly. "We all have talents which give us distinct advantages in any fight, but together we—"

"I don't care," Bella interrupted. "This is _my_ fight. It has nothing to do with you."

"We're involved now, Bella," Alice said softly. "You helped us when we needed it, and now it's our chance to return the favor."

"I don't give a damn about the deal, Alice. That doesn't mean anything. I only agreed to it to placate Diane. I would have helped you, no matter what. You're under no obligation to do this."

"You know this has nothing to do with obligation," Edward argued. "We will fight for you because we love you. Together, Jasper, Alice, and I are the strongest and the most powerful, and we have the best chance of killing Kahled and all getting out in one piece. This is the best way."

"You're not—"

"Diane's hurt, and I'm the only one of us that would be able to fight with you and not lose control. Do you really think we'd be able to take him on our own?"

She wanted to scream at him. She wanted to hit him and swear at him and force that stupid calm expression off his face. Was he being dense on purpose? Sure, it smarted that she wouldn't be able to fight Kahled, wouldn't be the one to physically tear him apart for what he did to her Diane, but she could handle that disappointment. She knew that the others together would have the best chance to kill Kahled once and for all, and she would give almost anything to make sure that happened.

Except Edward. She couldn't give up Edward. She couldn't bear it if he got hurt, because he was fighting for her, and she wouldn't be close enough to protect him.

And just like that, she knew what she had to do.

"Okay, you're right," she said, managing to sound as calm as he did as her new idea solidified in her mind. "But we still need a back-up plan."

"Back-up plan?" Edward repeated, trepidation stirring behind his eyes.

"This may be our only chance to catch him by surprise. We can't risk him escaping if he manages to get past you."

"He won't get past us."

"But what if he does? He still has three exit points, and you can't keep them covered all the time. If he slips past during the fight, you won't be able to catch him when he starts running. If we have three people blocking the exits, we can stop him before he gets too far."

"No," Edward snapped.

"It makes sense," Bella insisted. "We can have one person at each end of the tunnel, and one person on the street."

"I'll take the street," Emmett said eagerly. "I've never been a fan of small spaces."

"It won't work," Edward countered. "You need three people, and Carlisle and Esme aren't fighters."

"I'll do it," Rosalie said, so softly Bella almost didn't hear her.

Everyone turned to her in surprise. She shot Bella the smallest of smiles, and relief washed over her like a wave.

"This isn't the time for games, Rose," Edward said harshly.

"Screw you," she snarled. "You're not the only one here that cares about our family. I want to help."

Emmett wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and pressed his lips against her hair, looking impossibly proud.

"This is ridiculous!" Edward cried desperately. "If he does manage to slip past us—which he won't—you'd have to face him alone. He would tear you all apart."

"We'd only have to delay him for a few seconds, until you manage to catch up again," Bella said steadily.

"It only took him seconds to nearly kill Diane," Edward growled. "You wouldn't stand a chance."

She bristled. "I can hold my own. I'm a damn good fighter."

"This isn't the time for false bravado, Bella. It's a life or death situation."

Her eyes narrowed dangerously, and her voice was deep and low when she asked, "What do you mean by 'false bravado'?"

Diane sucked in a sharp breath, and muttered, "Uh-oh." She had a feeling she knew where this was going. She wanted to look away, but felt compelled to keep watching, like a horrific car crash.

"I didn't mean anything," Edward said curtly, sounding as though his patience was rapidly running out. "I just don't think you're the right person for—"

"Not the right person?" she repeated slowly.

"I just mean …"

"Spit it out, Edward. I'm _dying_ to hear what you have to say."

He looked uncertain for a long moment, before drawing himself up to his full height, and saying, in a strong voice, "I mean that you shouldn't come, because if you needed me to save you at River's, you don't have a hope of fighting a vampire like Kahled."

There was a split second after Edward stopped talking that seemed to stretch on forever. It was a painfully tense moment, where Bella struggled to comprehend what he had just said, and for the feelings of pain, embarrassment, and betrayal to give way to righteous anger. Everyone in the room took a step back before the explosion happened, everyone, that is, except Rosalie, who was looking on in undisguised glee.

"I can't … did you just … you patronizing _dick_!" she yelled, kicking at the closest couch and sending it spinning into the wall. "You think I needed you to _save me_? Where do you get off? I could have finished that bastard off a thousand different ways, all on my own."

"He hurt you," Edward said loudly, trying to control his anger and fear. "You were bleeding all down your—"

"I'm a human, Edward. When I get hurt, I bleed, that's what we do. It doesn't mean we're weak or incapable. I had one tiny cut above my eye, big deal! I've had much worse injuries than that. Christ, I've fought with my guts practically hanging out, and you weren't around to _save_ me then, and I won anyway. I'm stronger than you could possibly imagine."

Edward was paler than she had ever seen him, his hands shaking by his sides. "Then why did you ask me for help?"

"Because I promised I would," she hissed. "You made me promise that I would ask for help the moment I got nervous. Well, for a split second there, when I couldn't see, I got rattled. I could have ignored it and carried on, and won easily, but I didn't. Unlike some, I keep my promises."

Edward didn't argue back. Perhaps he knew he couldn't. He had never seen Bella this angry before, and he could feel the physical energy emanating off of her. He had no trouble believing that she was extremely powerful, but this had never been about her capabilities, not really.

"Bella, don't do this," he begged.

"I won't—" She couldn't say it out loud. Shame welled up and constricted her throat. How could she possibly tell him that she would stay behind, only if he did too? He would agree to it—she knew he would do anything to keep her from going. How could she let the others fight for them while she just sat there in the house, relieved because she had kept Edward back, Edward, who with his mind-reading power was probably the most powerful asset they had? How could she ever again look Diane in the eye, knowing that she had put Edward before her, before Jo, before Bella's duty? But by God, did she want to.

"I won't let you change my mind," she finished limply. "Jasper, what do you think?"

Jasper shuffled the blue prints in his hands, refusing to look anyone in the eye. "It's a good plan," he said. "Does everyone else agree?"

The room was filled with murmured approval. Edward looked as if his world was falling apart.

"At least lower your shield," he pleaded. "That way Alice can keep her power, and I will be able to protect you better."

She thought about arguing—she could still feel the rage boiling in her belly—but she knew that there was no real reason to refuse. Tactically, it was a good idea, and after her outburst, she felt as though she should try to appear professional. She nodded curtly.

"We should have a quick hunt," Jasper said briskly. "We'll come back and get you when we're ready, Bella."

"I might as well come with you."

"You can't—"

"Obviously I'll wait in the car," Bella snapped. "Just let me get my shoes."

She marched out of the room, feeling eight pairs of eyes bore into her back. She forced herself to concentrate on the adrenaline-pumping anger that was still causing her heart to beat quickly. She knew if she let go of that, she would have to face the fact that Edward still thought of her as a weak human to be saved from the big bad world. She couldn't go into a fight with that mentality.

Bella stormed into her bedroom, and stood staring at her cupboard for a long moment, trying to remove the red haze before her eyes. After a long moment, she grabbed a black zipped jacket and some mucky sneakers, muttering something extremely rude under her breath.

"I need you to promise me something."

Bella jumped, and spun around to see Diane standing in the doorway, the expression on her face grave.

"I don't think so," she sneered. "Apparently when I make promises I come across as a weak little girl."

"I'm serious, Bella. You need to promise me that whatever happens, whatever you hear, you won't go rushing in to help. Promise me that you won't move from your position in the tunnel."

Bella turned her back to Diane, and pulled the hoodie over her head. She didn't answer.

"Don't ignore me," Diane said crossly. "I'm not doing this to protect you. I'm doing it to protect them. Now will you listen to me?"

Bella reluctantly turned around, and raised an eyebrow to encourage Diane to continue.

"Edward's right about one thing. He may be able to fight with you, but Alice and Jasper can't. If you think they're in trouble, and go rushing in when they're in fighting mode, they may not be able to control themselves. Emmett and Rosalie will be there if it gets bad."

Bella tried to unlock her jaw in order to speak, but she just wasn't that strong. Instead, she settled with a sharp, jerky shake of the head to make her feelings clear.

Diane was suddenly in front of her, her hands heavy on Bella's shoulders. "I know, all right? _I know_. I know why you came up with this plan in the first place, I know why you're so dead set on being there, and I know that you're way more scared than you're letting on. I get it, but you will hurt _everyone_ so much more by rushing in without thinking than Kahled ever could. You're back-up, the last line of defense. Promise me you will stay away."

It took all of Bella's restraint not to kick Diane in the shin. "Fine, yes, you're right. I promise. Heaven forbid I actually do my job."

"I know you're angry, I'd be furious as well, but you need to snap out of it, and … God, I can't believe I'm saying this," she muttered to herself. "What he said must have struck a nerve, but you know he didn't mean it. He would do anything to stop you from getting hurt, and you'd do the same, even if it meant damaging his pride."

Bella shoved her feet into her shoes, and threw her hair into a messy ponytail. "You're right," she spat, pushing past Diane. "It did strike a nerve."

Bella lay in the back of the Volvo, trying to find her quiet place. She sighed heavily and kicked off her shoes, as if that would make any difference. She ran through relaxation techniques: trying to clear her mind and focus on her breathing, trying to play a constant, soothing sound in her head to drive out all other thought, trying to imagine herself floating like a fluffy fucking cloud. She could calm herself down for about ten seconds before she remembered her argument with Edward, and her mind fell back into chaos.

He had driven her, Emmett and Alice to a parking lot on Iona Island. In fact, it was the same place Edward had been reunited with Alice and Jasper the week before. Christ, was it only a week? It felt like a lifetime. She could remember how silent and distant he had been back then, trapped inside his own head, not trusting the events occurring around him. Tonight, Edward was just as silent, but it was an extremely loud silence. During the ride, the sound of his hands squeezing around the steering wheel and his grinding teeth had been deafening.

Bella hadn't been particularly quiet either. She believed that the effort she put into not slapping him across the face must have been audible.

Calm down, she told herself for the hundredth time. If you don't get yourself together, you'll just prove him right.

Bella took another deep breath, extending her awareness as she slowly let it out, feeling the comforting fluidity of her shield. She had agreed that she would lower it during the fight, but that wasn't entirely true. Merely holding the shield away took a lot of concentration, and if she had to attack Kahled, she couldn't afford to divert that much energy.

Instead, she could lock her shield. Locking involved easing her shield around her, slipping it across her skin like silk and locking it tightly around a single part of her. She had chosen to wrap it around her left hand, which she knew was dangerous. If, during the fight, her hand got ripped off (which was a disturbingly common injury in her line of work), she would lose her shield forever. She had tried to wrap it around other, less exposed parts of her body, but she had never quite succeeded. The only direction her shield wanted to go was toward her left hand.

For some reason, thinking about having her hand ripped from her wrist wasn't calming her down. She imaged taking that thought, stuffing it in a safe, locking it, and pushing it down into a dark recess of her mind. It probably wasn't a particularly healthy way of dealing with anxiety, but she was running out of time.

Bella forced herself to concentrate again, focusing on different parts of her body, imagining the excess of energy leaking from her muscles, feeling her body relax one part at a time. She could feel her breathing getting heavier and deeper. She let her consciousness stretch around her, as though she was a bubble and was expanding with every second. A she grew she could feel the watery weight of her shield, like a fluid second skin. She didn't press against it, and she didn't force it. She pressed her consciousness against it with the slightest pressure, and felt it ripple.

She imagined it ghosting across her skin, coaxing it gently to flow toward her left hand. She pictured it wrapping around her hand like cling film, and then softly, she imagined it tying itself in a knot, locking itself around her wrist.

She paused a moment before letting out a great breath. A shudder crept up her spine, and she made a strange noise that sounded something like a small animal being strangled.

_Is this what normal people feel like, all the time?_ she wondered absently. It was horrible. She felt raw, exposed and completely naked. She itched to pull the tie around her wrist and feel her shield envelop her again, but she didn't. The others were going to be back any minute, and she needed to control her thoughts before Edward returned.

Before Edward had left her, she had wondered whether it was her silence that attracted him to her. She didn't think that he could possibly love her if he could hear her thoughts. Could you respect someone if you were privy to every tiny little thing that popped into their head? All of those embarrassing and frightening things that twist in your brain without permission…

_So much for controlling my thoughts_.

Bella threw an arm over her face melodramatically. She was normally so good at this sort of thing. It was why she was such a brilliant fighter and was one of the reasons Gaudet relied on her so much. All she had to do was focus. Focus on everything and nothing. Complete blank awareness.

She couldn't explain to anyone how she reached this state of being. There was no formula or trick to it. It was as if she fell down inside herself, past all of the things that made her who she was, plunging through the blackness of her thoughts and feelings, and reaching that center where everything was nothing, and nothing mattered.

She didn't like to do it very often. She feared for what she would become if she made the practice a habit. She only accessed that empty part of herself when she had no other choice—when living was just too difficult.

The door by her feet opened, but she didn't jump. She had heard them coming from a mile away, had caught their scent some time ago. Trapping herself in this waking, unconscious state caused time to pass strangely.

She felt Alice lift her legs, then drop them back down to drape across her lap. Her hand felt delicate as she rested it against Bella's ankle, but she could feel the strength in it as her fingers curled around the joint.

"Hey, are you all right?" Alice whispered.

"She's fine," Edward said curtly, as he slid into the front seat. "She's trying to keep me out of her head."

It was easy now that Bella had fallen into her blanket of awareness. She didn't react to Edward's voice like she usually did. She heard what he said, but instead of thinking about his meaning, or melting at the sound of rough velvet, she analyzed his syntax and the spaces between his words.

"What's she reciting?" Alice asked.

"Nothing she's … I can't explain it properly. It's like she's on auto-pilot."

"That's a neat trick," Emmett said enviously. "I'll have to get her to teach me that sometime."

"I imagine it involves some element of self-control," Edward snapped.

"We're not the ones you're angry with, Edward," Alice told him softly.

Edward turned the engine on, but didn't move for a long time. Bella concentrated on the way the vibrations from the engine bounced her fingers against the seat.

Edward pulled away quickly, but his words were calm when he said, "You could have said no."

"And face the wrath of Bella?" Emmett scoffed. "No offense, bro, but she's way scarier than you."

A faint feeling of childish satisfaction drifted across her consciousness. She imagined holding it in her hands, and letting it drift through her fingers like smoke.

"I caught that," Edward muttered. "You're not as in control of your thoughts as you'd like."

"Edward, don't you dare," Alice said sharply.

"I just want to know—"

"You keep your mouth shut, Edward Cullen," she snapped. "She has every right to keep you out of her head, and she'll never forgive you if you provoke her and take advantage when she's vulnerable like this. I'm not even exaggerating—she won't forgive you. Anyway, I thought you had promised to give her some time?"

"I'm sorry," he said, sounding remorseful, if slightly petulant. "It was a stray thought, I didn't mean it."

Bella focused on slowing her breathing and heart rate, but she couldn't prevent a stray thought of her own forming behind her closed eyes.

_I'm going to be really pissed at you when I get my shield back_.

Later, she would wonder at how she had managed to shut herself down so effectively when enclosed in a small space with three vampires. She would wonder how it could be that she would trust Edward so unconditionally with her life, but still doubt that she could trust him with anything else.

"Bella, we're here."

She opened her eyes. The orange glow of a nearby streetlamp made everything seem faint and unreal. Alice smiled at her, and gave her ankle a reassuring squeeze. Bella sat up, opened the car door and slipped out.

The air was softly cold, and a faint breeze played with a wisp of Bella's hair. She watched as it twisted in the wind.

"We should get going," Alice said, checking her phone. "Jasper and Rosalie are in position. Give us three minutes, Edward, and then make your way to us. Try and time it so that we all get there at the same time."

Edward nodded absently, his eyes far away. "We're in the right place," he said finally. "I think I can hear his thoughts, but they're not quite … I'll understand when we get closer."

Without warning, Alice grabbed Bella in a tight embrace. It almost shocked her out of her awareness. Something black rose in her, something scared and wild. She slipped past it, but the memory of it left a bitter taste in her mouth. She was still not used to casual touches from vampires.

"Diane was right," Alice whispered into Bella's ear, ignoring the way her friend flinched against her. "There are too many outcomes to this fight, and I don't like it, but one thing is certain. You can't try and help us." She drew back and caught Bella's eye, frustrated and worried at the distance in her gaze. "More is at stake here than you know, Bella."

With that enigmatic declaration, Alice slipped back into the car and turned the engine on. Emmett grabbed Edward in a massive bear hug, before slapping a massive hand against Bella's shoulder.

"I feel like I should say something profound and inspiring, but I've never been good at that sort of thing." Emmett smirked. "So … good luck and all that."

Edward smiled tightly. "We'll see you soon."

Emmett saluted them both, and jumped in the passenger seat of the car. They sped off quickly, and Edward and Bella watched after them for a moment. Something horribly like grief was tickling the edges of Bella's mind.

"No one would blame you," Edward said softly. "If you went back now."

Bella didn't respond, but walked to the cover in the middle of the road and pulled it open. It smelt stale and damp and was impossibly dark, but she didn't hesitate as she climbed onto the ladder and made her way down. She brushed her hands down the front of her hoodie and gazed at the walls with mild interest, watching the shadows flickering as Edward pulled the grate back into place. The tunnel was immediately submerged into darkness.

Her concentration was slipping quickly, and she dug her nails into her hands. Two minutes. She could last two minutes.

She couldn't see anything, but she could smell him, and hear his breath, and she could feel him in a way she didn't entirely understand. Her skin buzzed as if he emitted an electric current. She cleared her throat gently and shuffled closer to the wall. She held out her hand and touched the wet sliminess of the brick. It effectively distracted her for a brief moment, before Edward spoke again.

"Do you really have nothing to say to me?"

Bella closed her eyes, even though it made no difference in the pitch black.

He waited for her to speak, but when she stayed silent he said, in a voice brimming with barely contained anger, "After all we've been through together, you won't say goodbye to me because of your _pride_?"

"Don't be ridiculous," she said, unable to control herself. "This isn't goodbye. You're going to be fine."

"I've seen Alice's visions, Bella. I might not be."

"You'll be fine. Stop trying to provoke me."

"I'm not …" His hands gripped her shoulders and turned her toward him. Her heart jolted at his unexpected touch. "I'm not asking for a declaration or a … or an admission or … I just want you to give me _something_."

"You will be fine," she stated. She repeated the words in her mind, allowing them to ground her, refusing, even now, to let her mind wander, to let him win.

His hands slipped away from her. "I thought that being able to hear your thoughts would give me some insight into who you are, but you've never felt further away. You know that I would die for you in a heartbeat, but if this is to be the last time I see you, can you at least say goodbye to me?"

The silence that followed was deafening. Bella's mind had gone blank, but this was not from any skill or ability. It felt as though she had frozen, as if ice crept along her skin and made her whole being still with shock. If she moved, if she tried to speak, she knew that the ice would break, and then … she couldn't begin to imagine what would happen.

He sighed heavily, and she felt him reach forward and brush her jaw with the pad of his thumb, but she couldn't move. She was so close to breaking, but something held her will. Maybe Edward was right, maybe it was her pride.

"Goodbye, Bella," he whispered brokenly.

Then he was gone.

_What have you done?_

She staggered, and fell against the wall of the tunnel, feeling the dampness seep into her clothes. This wasn't the time to break down. Hold it in, just a little longer.

It was becoming difficult to breathe, and the darkness swam before her eyes. She tried to push down the rising panic, but the more she tried to force it down, the more it rose up in her. Why was her will failing her now? She could do this. She had done it so many times before.

She had only survived the last eight years by cutting herself off, starving parts of her so that they slowly asphyxiated and died. How else could she bear such long years of being constantly terrified, guilty, sad, lonely and powerfully angry? This was the only way she knew how to survive, and he had destroyed it. She couldn't disappear and make herself not care when he was close to her, when he looked at her, when he said goodbye …

Edward had brought her back to life, and it was the worst torture she had ever endured.

A distant sound dragged Bella out of her chaotic mind. It must have been loud, if she could hear it from this distance. In her distraction, she had barely thought about what must have been occurring miles away, under the streets of New York. Three of the people she loved most in the world were fighting to the death, and she was standing there, feeling sorry for herself?

She shook herself, and stood up straight, brushing her hands under her eyes. It may have been unbelievably painful, being dragged into the real world, feeling emotions she had effectively suppressed for years, but that didn't mean she was going to let it defeat her.

"_No!_"

Bella had started running before the faint sound finished echoing through the tunnel. She would have kept going until she reached them, but a loose brick made her stumble, and it shocked her enough to get her thinking again.

She stopped, her whole body shaking, torn with indecision. Every fiber of her being needed to move, to help whoever it was that had cried out in pain and grief. If Edward was hurt and she had never said goodbye … never told him that she wanted him more than anything, and that she was sorry it had taken her so long to realize …

The decision was taken out of her hands a moment later by the arrival of a new sound.

_Footsteps_.

They were so impossibly fast, and she knew she had only moments before he was upon her. She plunged her hand into her pocket and drew out a tiny penlight. She turned it on, but her hands were shaking so violently that she dropped it. She didn't have time to pick it up. A faint light filled the tunnel, but her eyes were sharp enough to see. She didn't want to die in the dark.

She had no time to prepare, and when she saw him flying toward her, her courage spluttered and died. There was a madness in his bright red eyes that made her take a step back. The speed at which he was running, she knew that he didn't want to fight her. Whatever had happened, however their fight had ended, Kahled was spooked. She could just step to the side and he would pass her by, and she wouldn't have to die fighting this monster.

Edward was right, no one would blame her.

She leapt on him and they crashed together into the wall. Bricks and putrid mud and water rained down on them. She was blinded for a moment as the dust settled into her eyes. She felt him struggle beneath her, and she cried out as his hand twisted around her arm and his teeth bit down on the skin of her wrist. She kneed him hard in the crotch, and when he released her arm, she drove her elbow into his face.

He howled in anger and pain, and she took the moment to scramble to her feet and brush the dust from her eyes. She shouldn't have underestimated his speed. Her eyes were still closed when he punched the side of her face, and it felt like the sky had fallen on her head. Gasping, she fell to her knees, the pain so intense she retched.

A hand closed around her neck, and she was dragged once more to her feet, spots of color dancing before her eyes. She tried to prize his hand from her throat, but he just squeezed harder.

"Fucking bitch," he snarled. "You think you can stop me? You think—"

Bella stamped down on his foot and shoved the palm of her hand against his nose. She staggered back as his grip loosened, but once again he moved faster that she thought possible. She yelled out as he grabbed a chunk of her hair and pulled it viciously. She lost her balance, and would have fell, but his grip kept her upright. She lashed out and laid a glancing blow on his stomach. Before she could think, he had curled a hand around her upper arm and pulled. The crack from the bone disconnecting with her shoulder was shockingly loud. It didn't register, for a short moment, what had happened, but then his hand was curled around her shoulder, and was gripping it so tightly she screamed.

With the pain came a kind of clarity, and she realized that the way he was holding her bared her whole neck to him. She could feel the pulse beating in her throat, and she tried to pull away from him, but his grip was too tight, and any time she tried to move, a sharp blinding pain shot through her shoulder and caused blackness to swim before her eyes.

She kicked his shins, and stamped on his feet, and tried to grab his hair, but it was too short and her fingers failed to find a hold. His teeth were bared in a triumphant snarl. She thought that he said something, but she couldn't hear anything over the blood pounding in her ears.

They had been fighting for less than ten seconds. She had always imagined that she would die facing impossible odds; fighting an enemy she had no hope of defeating. There was a little comfort in the knowledge that there was nothing she could do. She knew that slayers did not get long, happy lives that ended with a peaceful sleep. She had accepted it, but that was before she had anything to live for. For the first time in a long, long time, Bella feared death.

His lips brushed her throat.

_This isn't fair. I don't want to die_.

Something crashed into her with the force of a freight train. She cried out as she landed on her injured shoulder, but she didn't hesitate to crawl away and press herself against the cold wall. She ran a hand over her face, worried at the way her mind was wandering. She thought she felt something wet against the side of her face, but she couldn't entirely trust her senses. Her head was still pounding, but she didn't have time to nurse her wounds.

_Stop messing around, and figure out why you're not dead_.

She looked up. Hope and fear battled for dominance in her chest. Edward looked angrier than she had ever seen him, but he also seemed … tentative, maybe even scared. He frowned as if he was trying to concentrate, but his movements were stilted, as though he was confused at what he was supposed to do next. Bella thought she understood his indecision—she had seen the madness in Kahled's eyes, and she guessed that reading his mind was difficult, perhaps even dangerous.

Her deduction was proven correct when Edward tried to block a blow that never came, and was left wide open for a powerful right-hook that sent him to the ground. Kahled was on him before he could move, and kicked him in the face.

Bella saw red and tried to stand, but she fell back down when her left arm gave way beneath her. She wouldn't be much help if she couldn't use both of her arms. So she took a moment, looking away from the two vampires, and explored her damaged shoulder with her right hand. It was a clean dislocation. She knew that he would have pulled it clean off if he hadn't misjudged her strength. She held her useless, dangling arm, and leant her head so that her cheekbone was pressing against her shoulder, keeping it in place. She took a deep breath, and pushed her arm back into the socket.

Bella wiped at her streaming eyes, relieved that she could move her arm freely, even though it still hurt like hell. She stood up, watching Edward and Kahled struggle, wanting to jump in, but not wanting to hurt Edward if she interrupted at the wrong time.

"You can't beat me," Kahled growled. Edward lunged at him, and Kahled laughed as he skipped out of range. "You think you're strong enough to save her? We've barely even started, and she's already broken, but I see why you keep her around. Her scent really is …"

His provocation worked, and Edward attacked him wildly. Kahled easily jumped aside. Bella rushed forward, but Kahled anticipated her and punched her in the solar plexus. She fell back, gasping and unable to breathe.

Kahled turned back to Edward, ducking under the hand that tried to grasp him so quickly he was a blur, and he brought Edward to his knees by a swift kick to his thigh. He jumped onto Edward's back, pushing him forward onto the ground, his hand pulling his head back, his lips suddenly at his throat …

Bella wasn't even aware of moving. Fear would have paralyzed her, but her body was humming with rage, and she found strength she didn't know she had.

She seized Kahled around the neck and dragged him away from Edward. Bella kicked the soft muscle behind his knee, which made him stumble. She wrapped her free hand around his right bicep. She kept him distracted by kicking his Achilles tendon while she moved her other hand from his neck to his shoulder and, with a feeling of indecent satisfaction, pulled his arm from his body.

_Serves you fucking right_.

He screamed and spun around, his eyes flashing, his face wildly furious. She matched that anger with her own, and before he had a chance to stop turning, she swung his own amputated arm against his face. She hit him again and again, refusing to give him a single moment to recover. She beat him until he was on his knees, cowering from the blows.

She threw the arm away and leant down, believing him weakened enough for her to deliver the killing blow.

"Bella, no!"

Even though Edward's panicked shout stopped her, she couldn't move away fast enough to miss the punch Kahled sent at her chest. She felt several ribs breaking, and the blood on her lips told her that at least one of them had punctured a lung. She fell to the ground in agony, struggling for breath. She knew that if she had been any closer to him, with the force he had built up, his fist would have gone straight through her. She had underestimated him, again, but it would be the last time.

Squinting through watery eyes, Bella watched as Edward continued the fight. With only one arm, Kahled could not defend himself well, and Edward kept him on his knees by the consistency of his attack. But Kahled was still too strong, and Bella knew that it would only take one strike from him to regain the upper hand. On his knees, only able to use one limb to attack and defend, he was vulnerable, and if they worked together, they could end this in a matter of moments.

Edward caught the tenor of her thoughts, and as she dragged herself to her feet—her body protesting every tiny movement—he caught Kahled's remaining arm and twisted it behind his back, pressing on his shoulder to keep him down.

Kahled turned his head and bit Edward's hand. Edward didn't let go, but Bella could see the pain in his face. She stumbled forward, grabbed Kahled's head between her hands, and used every bit of strength she still possessed to tear it from his neck.

She fell to her knees, the head rolling away into the darkness. Her whole body shook, and she vaguely wondered if she was going into shock. Maybe her lungs were collapsing, and that was why she found it so difficult to breathe …

"Edward," she gasped.

"I'm here." His hands were cradling her face and his lips pressed against her forehead. He was shaking almost as violently as she was. "Oh God, Bella."

She fisted her hands into his shirt, trying to get as close to him as possible.

"I thought, I thought …" she whispered brokenly.

"It's all right, Bella. He's gone. It's over."

His words didn't comfort her. She started crying, and the force of her sobs felt like they would rip open her chest. She had been so close to losing him forever. She still felt that animal panic that had erupted in her when she saw him on the ground, Kahled's teeth ready to tear out his throat.

"You … you nearly …"

"I'm right here," he murmured. He uncurled one of her hands and placed it on his chest, over the place where his heart should beat. She felt the unsteady rise and fall of his breaths, and she clung to the sensation, feeling her breathing begin to mimic his.

"You said that you wouldn't leave me again," she said accusingly.

"I never will, I promise."

"Never?"

She met his dark eyes and saw her own emotions mirrored there. Despite the pain in her body, she felt an overwhelming desire boil in her blood; a desire to own him, to make him hers, to let him know that she was his, completely, mind, body, and soul. She wanted him to know that what she had said before was still true. Life, death and eternity … it was all background noise. He was the only thing she ever wanted.

"Bella," he said uncertainly, his hand tightening around hers. "Your shield … it's still down."

"I don't care," she said recklessly. "You need to know—"

"No, please put it back up."

She nearly argued, but the look of anguish on his face stopped the words in her mouth. Trying to gather some level of concentration, Bella found the knot around her wrist and tugged. The protection enveloped her in a wave, making her feel inexplicably warmer.

"Why?" she asked in a pained voice. "I thought you wanted me to tell you how I felt."

"I do, more than anything," he said heavily, his lips briefly pressed against her forehead again. "But you're hurt, and you're still scared. I need to know that you mean it."

"I do," she insisted.

"Then tell me later, when you're better."

She swallowed, tasting blood on her tongue, and nodded. Her mind was chaotic, and she didn't blame him for not trusting her in that moment, but she also knew that she wouldn't change her mind. That night, she had faced the prospect of losing him, and she could never go through that again.

"Rosalie's waiting for us on the street," he said eventually.

Bella glanced at the remains of Kahled's body. She had ignored them before, but they were still twitching, his mouth still growling menacingly.

"What about—"

"The others will deal with it," he said grimly. "They're waiting for us to leave."

"The others!" Bella cried out. "I heard something before Kahled came, someone yelled out. Are Alice and Jasper—"

"They're fine. Jasper was hurt, but he'll heal. Let's go home, Bella."

Edward helped her to stand, but she couldn't straighten the whole way—the pain in her ribs was too intense. She curled in on herself, and pressed her forehead against Edward's hard chest for a moment, trying to find strength to walk.

His hand stroked her hair gently, and she heard him whisper—even though she was sure he didn't mean for her to catch it—, "I love you."

And she was glad for her shield, because she couldn't help but respond to him, and she knew that he was right. When she finally told him how she felt, she wanted to say it out loud. 

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So … I guess those two have quite a bit to talk about. Thoughts?**


	23. Fear is Like a Wilderland

**A/N: first off: sorry about the ridiculous wait. I needed a break from this story, but now I'm back and I will try harder.**

**I do have a couple of slightly awesome things to share with you first, though feel free to skip this and move onto the actual chapter. The first is that the title of this chapter (the title of the whole story actually) comes from Joni Mitchell's song 'I Think I Understand'. It's a beautiful, beautiful song and if I hadn't listened to it randomly two years ago after watching Buffy all day, this story would not exist. If you have ever found Bella's actions confusing, or never quite grasped why she acted — or didn't act — in a certain way, listen to this song. Fear **_**is**_** like a wilderland. That's what this story is about and always will be about.**

**Secondly, I read Midnight Sun again recently and found this tidbit (insert disclaimer here, not mine etc. etc.):**

'**Was she really even human? She **_**looked**_** human. She felt soft as a human. She smelled human – well, better actually. She acted human…sort of. But she didn't think like a human, or respond like one.'**

**Hmmm. I wonder what she could be?!**

* * *

><p>Most of the ride passed silently. Rosalie had tried to ask questions when they first arrived, but Edward's responses had been curt, and Bella had done nothing but curl up silently in the back seat. So, Rosalie had given up and played with the radio until Edward told her to stop. Surprisingly, she acquiesced without complaint.<p>

Rosalie's eyes kept flickering to the rear view mirror. She was concerned by the way Bella bent in on herself, and how her breathing was shallow and erratic. The scent of her blood filled the car and made Rosalie's throat burn. She knew that she was in control; human blood had never passed her lips. Her pride dictated that it never would.

The fact that she was concerned over Bella's health dimly surprised her. There were very few people in this world she cared about, and she had never thought that Bella would become one of them. Rosalie barely knew the girl, and what little she did know was tinged with ambivalence: she was jealous of Bella's strength, even as she admired it, and she envied the way she fought, even though it didn't appeal to her.

"Then why did you come tonight?"

Rosalie's hands tightened around the steering wheel at Edward's voice. He knew full well why she had insisted on helping. She may not have known Bella well, she may not have even liked her very much, or appreciated the trouble she brought on her family, but if Bella stopped Edward from running then Rosalie would keep her mouth shut and pretend that they were friends.

Everyone thought that Rosalie didn't care that Edward had left. It was true that he wasn't her favorite person in the world, and that his constant invasions on her privacy drove her mad, but the last eight years had been difficult for her. She had never realized before how important Edward was to their family. Without him, Carlisle had become withdrawn and distracted, spending more time at the hospital than he ever had before. Esme had been so sad. Rosalie had found her, more than once, sitting in the room they always left empty for him, holding an item of his clothing, staring out of the window with a heartbroken expression on her face. Then there were Alice and Jasper, running off without warning or explanation, trying to help Edward, always returning a few days later, their expressions dark and worried. Even Emmett was more sullen than usual, snapping at her when before he would joke.

She came tonight because she would risk her life to keep her family whole, because her family was the only reason she found any joy in her lifeless existence.

She pulled up outside the house and put the engine in park. Edward caught her eye in the mirror; she averted her gaze, embarrassed. She knew he wouldn't tell anyone what she had been thinking, but she still felt uncomfortable.

"Bella," Edward said, placing a hand on her uninjured shoulder. "We're here."

Bella straightened up, her eyes failing to mask her pain. Edward was out of the car and by her door before she even had a chance to reach for the handle. He tried to take her arm, but she waved him off. His eyes tightened every time she winced. Rosalie could tell that Edward was in pain as well, though he would never show it—his movements were stiff and awkward, and he didn't seem to be able to put his whole weight on his right leg.

Rosalie almost laughed at the pair of them. How dare Edward accuse _her_ of pride?

"Rosalie." Bella's voice was surprisingly loud and strong, and Rosalie turned to catch her gaze. "Thank you, for tonight."

Rosalie stared at the young woman before her. One side of her face was coated in blood, a wicked bruise was forming on her neck, her arm was wrapped around her middle, and she couldn't stand up straight, but her eyes were bright and fiery.

Rosalie smiled grimly.

"That's what family's for."

"Bella! Oh my God, what happened?"

Diane appeared in the hallway the moment they entered the house, her hands fluttering around Bella, unsure where it was safe to touch without hurting her. Carlisle and Esme materialized in the doorway of the living room. Esme threw her hands to her mouth, looking so distressed it made Bella feel embarrassed.

"I'm fine," Bella said, trying to hide the way her voice still shook. "Nothing a couple of bandages won't fix."

"I'll go and get my supplies," Carlisle said, squeezing Esme's arm as he passed.

"What happened?" Diane repeated.

"He got past them and came straight at me," Bella said. "Edward caught up after a moment and we killed him."

"He's dead?" Diane whispered, her eyes wide.

Bella nodded, watching closely as Diane's eyes filled with tears. Was it just relief, or did she regret that she hadn't been the one to do it?

"Where are the others?" Esme asked nervously.

"They're cleaning up," Edward told her. There was a brief silence before he continued, apparently responding to Esme's worried thoughts. "They're all fine. Jasper's hurt a little, but he'll heal quickly. He's had worse injuries in his time."

Esme nodded, but pressed her hand back to her lips.

Carlisle came into view with a black bag in his hand. Outwardly he appeared very calm, and Bella allowed herself to be comforted by his steady competence.

"Shall we go into your living room?" he asked, in a deep, warm voice.

Bella nodded, but didn't move. She gazed up at Edward, a question in her eyes.

"I'll be upstairs," he said.

She nodded, unsurprised. "I'll come up when we're finished."

His dark eyes trapped hers, and she understood his full meaning when he said, "When you're ready."

Bella turned away and walked through to the living room, feeling everyone's eyes on her, though no one questioned her as she gingerly settled herself onto one of the large sofas. She unzipped her jacket, and Diane helped her slip it from her shoulders.

"Esme, dear, could you bring me some warm water and a clean cloth, please?" Carlisle asked.

Esme hurried to the kitchen. Carlisle kneeled before Bella, his eyes traveling her body in search for injury.

"Now, Bella, where are you hurt?"

"Some of my ribs are broken," she replied. "And my left shoulder hurts a lot. It was dislocated, but I popped it back in. Oh, and my head still feels a bit weird. It doesn't hurt exactly, but it doesn't not hurt either."

Carlisle frowned. His hands were gentle as they examined her shoulder, but she couldn't contain a low hiss of pain.

"It feels very swollen," he told her. "I'm going to have to look at it properly. Would it be all right if I removed your top?"

Bella nodded, and stupidly tried to lift the hem over her head. The movement sent an immobilizing shock of pain through her ribs, and she curled in on herself, gasping in shock.

"I'll have to cut it off," Carlisle muttered. "Is that all right?"

Bella nodded again dazedly, trying to keep still as Carlisle cut the fabric from her with a pair of scissors.

"I really liked that top," she joked.

"I'll get you a new one." Carlisle shot her a brief smile, but his eyes tightened again when they took in the bruises on her body.

Bella looked down, and immediately wished she hadn't. Just looking at the bruises made her pain increase, as though her brain hadn't realized how injured she really was until it saw for herself. The skin over her ribs was a dark purple mess, and her shoulder was a bright and angry swollen red.

"Would you believe me if I said it looks worse than it actually is?" Bella asked with a smirk, which quickly turned into a wince as Carlisle touched her ribs.

"No, I wouldn't," he said dryly. "Four of your ribs are broken, but I can't tell if they've punctured your lungs. I should take you to the hospital for an x-ray."

"I don't need one," she argued. "I'm pretty sure one of them pierced a lung, but it'll heal itself around the bone. It's happened before, I'll be fine."

Carlisle's eyes moved over her face, as though he was checking that she wasn't lying to keep a brave face. He must have decided that she was telling the truth, because he said, "I suppose all I can do is bind them tightly to prevent them moving. You'll have to sit as straight as you can."

Bella let out a steady string of curses as she sat up. Carlisle worked quickly, binding her chest so tightly it was difficult to breathe. The relief was immediate, and Bella gave Carlisle a sincere smile as she ran a hand over the bandages.

Esme reappeared with the water and passed it to Diane before retreating to the other side of the room. Bella almost told her that she didn't have to stay, but the determined look on Esme's face stayed her tongue. She couldn't imagine what she had done to win such devotion.

Diane gently wiped the dried blood from Bella's face as Carlisle examined her shoulder. His cold hands felt soothing against her skin.

"You did a good job pushing the bone back into place," Carlisle praised. "I'll make you a sling, but the swelling should go down quickly if you don't move it too much."

"How did you get this?" Diane asked, running a finger around the broken skin of Bella's temple.

"He had a really good left-hook," Bella responded wryly.

"You're lucky he didn't take your head off," Diane said.

Bella scoffed. "Luck? It was pure skill, baby."

Diane snorted. "Don't call me baby, honey-pie."

Carlisle looked at them oddly. Bella didn't want to tell him that joking with Diane helped her deal with her pain a lot more effectively than fussing over her injuries.

"Your head isn't bleeding anymore, so you don't need stitches," Carlisle said as he folded her arm into a sling and tied it around her neck. "Do you want me to put a dressing on it?"

"No, it'll be fine." She ran her fingers over the cut, feeling a scab already forming. "Thank you, Carlisle. I feel much better already."

"It was my pleasure," he said, his voice deep and sincere. She felt a rush of affection toward him and instinctively leant forward and gave him an awkward, one-armed hug. She pulled back quickly, feeling rather embarrassed.

Carlisle gave her a smile so warm, Bella felt as though she was bathed in sunlight. He reached out his hand and wrapped it around hers on her knee. "I want you to know, Bella," he said slowly, every word ringing clearly. "That I know that leaving you was wrong. No matter what happens between you and Edward, we are still your family, and we will give you help whenever you ask for it. I'm only sorry that we weren't there to help you when you needed us most."

She couldn't speak. Something powerful and incomprehensible blocked her throat, and all she could do was nod. Carlisle gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before he stood up. Esme touched Bella's shoulder before she followed Carlisle from the room, and Bella stared after them, unable to say anything, wishing she could tell them how much their support meant to her.

A low groaning sound brought Bella's attention back to the room. She turned in her seat to see Diane next to her, her hands over her face, her fingers tugging her hair.

"Hey," Bella said in surprised concern. "Are you all right?"

Diane laughed rather bitterly. "Yeah, 'course. It's nothing." She sighed, but when she removed her hands, she was smiling slightly. "So, you going to go talk to Edward, then?"

"I guess so," she muttered.

"You don't have to, you know. Kahled's dead. We could just go back to the apartment, pretend none of this ever happened."

Bella stared at her for a long moment, her eyes moving around Diane's face.

"Is that what you want?" she finally asked.

"Nah, I'm just messing around," Diane said expansively. She stood up and stretched her arms over her head, yawning loudly. "I'm going to bed. Good luck with your little melodrama."

"Huh, thanks," Bella grumbled. Her anxiety was forgotten for a moment by her irritation at her tactless friend, and she stood up quickly.

"Er, B? Do you maybe want to put a top on or something?"

Bella looked down, and realized that she was only wearing a bra and a bandage wrapped around her lower ribs.

"Good call."

"I don't know though, maybe you could work it in your favor," Diane laughed. "You can detour any awkward moments by dazzling him with your boobs."

Bella freed her arm from her sling, and carefully pulled on her jacket. "No more detours, Di," she said as she returned her arm to its support. "But thanks for thinking my boobs are dazzling."

Diane's returning smile looked more like a grimace.

"Seriously," Bella said, stepping toward her. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, just tired. Stop stalling and go already," Diane said briskly, shooing Bella away with her hands.

"Goodnight, Di."

Diane turned her back on Bella and walked out of the room. Bella stood there for a long moment, trying to gather her courage.

She had been so eager earlier to tell him exactly what she felt. Now that the fear of the fight had been eased away by Carlisle's capable hands, she felt the old reluctance surface. She tried to shake it off, but it lingered like a bruise. Eight years of denial and emotional repression had taken its toll, and trying to embrace her feelings and let someone else in felt strangely unlucky, as though she was setting herself up to be duped.

"Get over yourself," she muttered under her breath. "Stop being such a fucking coward."

She raised her chin, took a deep breath, and started walking.

She found it was easier on her nerves if she thought only one step ahead. She shuffled up the stairs unnecessarily slowly, counting each step, taking extra care so that she didn't jolt her ribs. She pulled herself up two flights of stairs, and eventually found herself staring at a white wooden door, her heart lodged somewhere in her throat.

She knocked before she could talk herself out of it, and when she heard his voice say, "Come in," she turned the handle and stepped into his room.

She was dimly aware of a large, bright space, but her eyes found Edward immediately and the rest of the room faded into insignificance. He was sitting at a small, black upright piano, his fingers ghosting over the keys without creating any sound. He didn't look at her when she entered, and she allowed herself a moment to admire his profile. He looked relaxed, his face expressionless, but she could read his tension in the set of his shoulders.

Paradoxically, his anxiety diminished her own, and she found it a simple task to cross the room and stand next to him. She wanted to reach out and run her fingers through his chaotic bronze hair, but she knew that wouldn't be fair.

"Budge up," she ordered.

He shifted on the stool, and she sat down next to him. Her thigh pressed against his, and she forgot what it was she had planned to say.

Oh well, maybe spontaneity was better in this kind of situation.

"I'm sorry it's taken me this long to talk to you," she started. He opened his mouth to interrupt, but she quickly said, "No, can you just let me say this? I should have been honest with you from the beginning, but I haven't had much practice at honesty for a long time. The truth is … the truth is I've been a coward, and that's not something I find easy to admit. Cowardice isn't something I've ever really been accused of."

She took a deep breath, and let the words just come.

"I've carved a life out for myself here. It isn't a great life, but it's mine, and it's all that I know. When you left, I had to build myself up from nothing, and this is where I ended up. I started on a dark road, and it just got darker and darker, until I couldn't find my way out. I'm making it sound like I never had a choice," she interrupted herself wryly. "I _did_ choose this life, and sometimes I think it was the right choice, and sometimes I don't, but … I think I'm getting off topic."

She took a moment to marshal her thoughts, thankful that Edward remained silent because now she had started she wanted to keep going. She had never told anyone these things. It felt like a poison was slowly being extracted from her body.

"What I'm trying to say is, I've done some really terrible things, things I might never be able to tell you about. I think you know what that's like. The only way to stop yourself from going mad from the guilt is by continuing, and trying to forget because you don't think you'll ever be able to forgive yourself. That's what I've done. I've made a habit of pushing down all the things that are too difficult to cope with. So when you told me that you love me, and you asked me to … it was too much, I couldn't cope, so I pushed it down and sort of hoped it would go away. Only it won't go away. I can't pretend that I don't have feelings for you. It's painfully obvious that I do. But I also can't pretend that those feelings don't freak me the hell out."

"Why?"

She glanced at him, but he was still looking at the keys, his gaze broody and intense. She stood up abruptly, knowing that she wouldn't be able to say what she had to say while he was so close, while she could feel him against her. She walked over to a bookcase that was built into the wall and leant against it. She remembered his bedroom in Forks, where the walls had been covered with bursting shelves. This bookcase held only six books and four CDs. She crossed her arms and ignored how irrationally upset his empty bookcase made her feel.

"Honestly?" she asked. "Because the way I feel about you now reminds me of the way I used to feel about you, and it scares me to think how easy it would be for us to slip into what we had before you left. It scares me that part of me _wants_ to go back to that."

He turned to her, hurt and a slither of anger flashing through his eyes. "Do you really think what we had was so terrible?"

"I think what we had was unhealthy," she said bluntly. "I idolized you and you put me on a pedestal. I thought I wasn't good enough for you, and apparently you thought the exact same thing about yourself. We were both so caught up in our own issues that we couldn't see each other clearly. You thought of yourself as some sort of … monster or something, and because you couldn't stay away from me you made it your personal mission to protect me from everything else you deemed dangerous. You made all the decisions in our relationship, you started it and you ended it on your own terms, because you didn't trust me to take care of myself. If I could be so irresponsible as to fall in love with someone like you, how could I be expected to do anything sensibly? Is this right? Am I anywhere near close?"

He smiled grimly, his eyes downcast. "A little too close for comfort, actually."

"The stupid thing is," she continued quickly, something strangely like relief adding power to her words. "Is that I let you do it. I didn't fight the way you practically controlled me and took over my life because, well, because it made _sense_. I thought it was only natural that you would dominate our relationship. You were stronger than me, faster, older, and for some stupid reason I thought that made you better."

"That _is_ stupid," he muttered, so quietly she wasn't sure he wanted her to hear.

She snorted, but the smile quickly slid off her face. This was important; she had to make sure that he understood exactly what she was trying to tell him. "Do you want to know why I wanted you to change me, Edward? I mean, of course it was because I loved you, and I knew that I wanted to be with you forever, and I was pretty impatient to start it as soon as possible but … I thought that if I was like you, if I was strong and fast and beautiful, then we could be equals. I thought that the disparity in our relationship was just because I was a human and you were a vampire. I never tried to think past that. I never realized that, if I wanted us to truly be equals, if I wanted to become an active part of our relationship, I'd have to fight for it. Does that make any sense?"

"Yes, it does," he said, turning slightly so that he was looking directly into her eyes, for the first time since she had started talking. "I'm really … glad you told me that. I never understood why you were so desperate for me to change you. I had no idea you felt that way."

Bella rolled her eyes at herself. "I know, I should have told you."

"You're not the only one guilty of hiding their feelings," he said, rather bitterly. "If we had only been honest with each other, if we could have trusted the other to understand, we could have—"

"Shown each other how ridiculous we were being?"

She expected him to laugh, but the gaze he fixed her with was so unwaveringly serious, she had to look away. "Exactly, because it _was_ ridiculous. You have to know that I _never_ thought that you were weak, or that you were any less than me because you are human. I didn't know that my actions made you feel that way. I was only trying to stop you from getting hurt because of me."

"But that's the thing," she said, trying not to sound petulant. "I didn't need you to protect me like that. I mean, I'm not being stupid here. I know that when it came to things like James, I _did_ need you to help me, because obviously I just wasn't physically strong enough to deal with him myself. Going after him on my own was spectacularly stupid, and I should have gone to you instead of rushing off by myself, but it was almost like I had to prove something. I felt so powerless with you, Edward. You made me feel like a child that couldn't be trusted around safety scissors and glitter."

His eyes were firmly fixed on the floor, his hair falling into his eyes. She wanted to reach out and touch him and tell him that she didn't mean it, but she had promised herself that she would be honest, and she really needed him to hear this and to _understand_.

"I know," he said softly. "You're right, and I'm sorry."

"Really?" She winced slightly at how skeptical she sounded.

"Yes, really," he said in a stronger voice, his eyes flickering to hers before darting away again. "I may have thought that you were remarkably brave and strong, but I never showed you. I have no real excuse for the way I treated you, except that I was just so terrified of losing you. You seemed so fragile to me, and I couldn't bear to see you get hurt. I didn't know how to deal with your mortality, so I overreacted. I forgot what it was like to be a human a long time ago, and I could only see it from the point of view of what I am now. I thought you needed me to look after you."

"Well, I didn't," she said. "Or at least, I didn't need you to look after me any more than everyone does in every relationship. We could have looked after each other, you know?"

"You did look after me," he told her. "I'm sorry I never made you realize that."

Bella ran a hand over her face. Her heart felt tight, as though it was caught in a vice. She still felt that urge to run away, and put off feeling until later, but her desire to continue was stronger than her fear. It had taken nearly losing Edward for her to realize how much she wanted him, and she couldn't risk that happening again.

Hope blossomed in her chest, and made her words sound strained. "I'm not just saying this to be a bitch," she said, tracing his features with her eyes, wondering if she had imagined the way the set of his mouth had softened. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad, or make you regret what we were. I think about back then, and I still can't believe how in love we were. That's what's so scary. We had something really special, and it still fell apart. I couldn't bear it if that happened again."

She couldn't read the emotions in his eyes, and his voice sounded too composed when he asked, "What are you saying, Bella?"

"I'm saying that we can never go back to what we had. I couldn't be happy with that kind of relationship now."

Edward's lips curled into a slight smile. "Of course you couldn't. I wouldn't be happy with it either."

Bella took a moment to control the hysteria she could feel bubbling in her stomach. This wasn't a game; she had to be sure.

"Be honest with me, Edward. This is too important."

"I know how important this is," he said patiently, even though his body radiated tension. She knew that he wanted to stand and go to her—he had won arguments in the past mainly by standing near her, touching her and dazzling her with his closeness. She took it as a mark of how seriously he was taking this by the fact that he sat still and used only his words to convince her. "I'm not lying to you. I could never be happy in a relationship that made you feel powerless or unimportant. You're the most important thing in my life. That was what I was trying to show you, all those years ago, but I went about it in entirely the wrong way. I know that now. If I could go back and kick myself for being such an idiot, I'd do it in a second."

Bella couldn't help but crack a little smile. "That would be fun."

"I loved you so much," he said, so quietly she could barely hear him. "I had no idea I could feel that strongly about someone, but … seeing you now …" He shook his head slightly. "Against all odds, I actually love you more. I'm amazed by the woman you've become. You're so independent and strong and capable. To think that my overprotection could have prevented you from becoming so brilliant … it seems absurd now."

Bella's heart was still in her throat, but now she felt strangely shivery, as though she was coming down with a cold. Her emotions felt too overwhelming to be contained in one body. Her thoughts were difficult to control, but she kept herself as calm as she could, because there was still one thing she had to be sure of.

"So, you realize that I can look after myself, and that if there was any chance of us having anything, you'd have to trust that I know what I'm doing?"

His eyes were inscrutable, but she sensed hesitation in his brief silence, as though he sensed some kind of trap in her words. "Of course," he said eventually.

"Then what the hell was that earlier, in the living room?"

He dropped his head in his hands, and tugged his hair in something like exasperation. Bella narrowed her eyes at him and snapped, "The truth, Edward, if that's not too much trouble."

He dropped his hands, and carefully controlled his features against his own irritation. His voice was deliberately soft when he said, "I saw Diane after Kahled attacked her. I couldn't bear the thought of him breaking you like that. Can you honestly blame me?"

"You didn't think I was good enough to fight him," she said shortly. "You said so yourself."

He stared at her a long moment, weighing his words. He looked away after a few moments, shame briefly carving lines around his mouth. "I admit it," he said, shaking his head slightly. "I underestimated you. I couldn't do that again. The way you fought tonight…" He sighed deeply. "I can't deny how amazing you are. But I had only seen you fight once before, and I thought—"

"That I wasn't strong enough."

"I was stupid," he said harshly. "I should have known you were holding back. You've been fighting for years now, without me, and I should have realized that you didn't need my help. The truth is, I wanted to believe that you needed me. When I left, I did nothing with myself. I became a shell, but you … you've done so much, you've built yourself into such an amazingly strong woman. I thought you didn't care about me, that our break-up meant less to you than it did for me. I fooled myself into thinking that you still needed me, and that—in this way at least—I could still help you."

Bella bit back the impulse to argue with him. She knew that he hadn't meant that the way it sounded. He wasn't blaming her for trying to have a life without him, but he was admitting that part of him resented it. In all honesty, she couldn't be angry with him for that. How many times had she imagined Edward somewhere, miserable with missing her, alone and regretful for the way he had treated her? She couldn't deny that a small, cruelly petty part of her enjoyed the fact that her selfish fantasies had been close to reality. She wanted him to need her, just as he wanted her to need him.

It sounded ridiculously simple when it came down to it.

"What about now?" she muttered. He shot her an inquisitive look, and she continued, forcing her voice to sound stronger. "Do you still think I don't care about you?"

"I don't know, Bella," he said, sounding slightly bemused. "You tell me."

"Urgh," Bella mumbled incoherently, dropping her head into her hands. "I'm really not good at this. You have no idea how difficult this is for me. I'm not a 'heart-on-your-sleeve' kind of girl. I'm out of practice. I'm struggling to stop myself from freaking out right now."

She jumped at the feeling of cold hands encircling her wrists, but didn't resist as Edward pulled her hands away from her face. He was smiling slightly as he gazed down at her, and she had a distinct feeling he was laughing at her. She couldn't blame him. She had talked almost without breath about their past together, but now she couldn't even tell him that she cared about him. There was something wrong with her.

"You need some help?" he asked, his thumbs moving to rest against the pulse in her wrists. "Your heart's going crazy."

"Uh-huh," she breathed, spectacularly inarticulately.

"Is it because I frightened you?"

Bella briefly wondered if this was what being drunk felt like. There was certainly something intoxicating about the way he was looking at her, and the way his thumbs were rubbing circles against her skin.

"Not scared," she mumbled, not entirely truthfully, but she knew that her heart wasn't pounding in her chest because of fear.

"Well, then," he said deeply, his voice reverberating somewhere in her stomach. "I think we can rather safely say that you care about me."

Bella laughed huskily. "Yeah, that's probably a safe conclusion."

"But you're still uncertain. Your head's still telling you to run away from me."

"That pesky head of mine."

"Bella, please."

She met his eyes and saw her own hope and panic reflected there. Everything that needed to be said had been said, and any further conversation about the past would merely be a distraction. She had promised Diane that there would be no more distractions, no more detours.

"Everything you've said tonight has been … perfect," she confessed. "You've said everything I want to hear, everything that I promised myself I would _have_ to hear before I could even think about being with you again. I want to believe that you meant everything you said, but I just—"

"I did, Bella, please, you just have to trust me."

"How?" she pleaded. "Tell me how I can get rid of these doubts I have, and I'll do it in a heartbeat. I want you so much, Edward, you have no idea. But I can't risk losing you again, I just can't. There's too much at stake."

Edward's hands squeezed her wrists, and her heart raced even faster at the simple gesture. His eyes were sincere, and she saw the carefully hidden desperation in their depths.

"There isn't a formula to trusting someone, Bella," he said softly. "It's not something that just happens because you want it to. If I want you to trust me, trust what I've told you, then I've got to earn it." Bella opened her mouth to respond, but Edward interrupted. "No, let me speak. It's my turn now. I know that I _haven't_ earned your trust. I may have had your trust, a long time ago, but I destroyed it the moment I lied to you. I can never apologize enough for breaking your trust in me. But if you let me, I want to earn that trust back. If you just give me a chance, I'll prove to you every single day that I love you, that I want you, and that I will _never _leave you again. I'm asking you for forever, Bella. I will love you every single day of forever, and I will prove it to you every single day. That's my promise. Are you willing to believe that I'm telling you the truth?"

Bella felt the tears fall down her cheeks, and tasted them on her lips. Edward's hands left her wrists and brushed the tears away. She felt herself blush under his fingertips. It was almost absurd how, after spilling her heart out and exposing the most intimate parts of herself, she could still blush from such an innocent touch.

"I risk my life all the time," she whispered brokenly. "It's so normal I barely even think about it anymore. But risking my heart? It's just too terrifying."

She heard him take a sharp breath, felt his entire body stiffen and go still, saw the way his eyes tightened. He pulled away from her.

Panic gripped her heart—absolute, blind panic that made color briefly explode in front of her eyes. Her reaction answered her doubts more powerfully than arguments and logic ever could.

She quickly gripped his elbows, keeping him as close to her as she could.

"So, you'll help me?" she asked desperately. "You'll show me that it's not that scary? You'll show me I'm just making a big deal out of nothing?"

Edward's eyes were so suddenly bright, it was almost impossible to look directly at them. "I…" His voice trailed away, unable to work.

She leaned forward, pressing her cheek against his chest, allowing herself to breath in the smell of him. She could feel the irregularity of his breathing beneath her.

"You'll show me that I can trust you?" she whispered, her lips brushing against the fabric of his t-shirt.

"Yes," he said in a choked voice. His arms wrapped gently around her shoulders. He pressed his lips against the top of her head. "I will, all of it, I promise. _Bella_…"

Bella wrapped her arms around his waist, obliterating all space between them, squeezing so hard her damaged ribs complained.

"I've missed you so much," she choked.

Edward's hand shook as he wove it into her hair, his thumb brushing against the shell of her ear. "I…I know," he whispered.

She pulled back slightly and met his eyes, tears streaming freely down her face. Edward looked dazed, as if he was so happy he couldn't believe it.

"I mean it," she said with a trembling smile. "I thought about you every day. I tried not to, I tried to forget, but I missed you every day. I couldn't help it. It was always little things, and it always caught me by surprise, and it hurt…it hurt right here." She took his hand from her shoulder and pressed it over her heart. "'Cause every time I thought of you, I'd remember you were gone, and every time it was like the first time. It was always a shock to me that you weren't there, that I couldn't talk to you about whatever it was that made me think of you."

His hands cradled her face, tilting it upwards. His lips brushed away the tears on her cheeks, and she felt them move against her jaw when he spoke. "You will never have to feel that way again," he promised fervently. "I'll be right here, by your side, always."

Bella sighed deeply, closing her eyes in absolute relief. It felt as though something deep inside herself—something torn and broken for so long, she didn't even notice it anymore—was healing, sealing itself up. Her heart was in her throat, but she breathed properly for the first time in what felt like forever. How had she survived for so long when she hadn't been able to breathe?

"I have a difficult life, you know," she muttered, twisting one of her hands in the hem of his t-shirt. "It'll probably get really bad sometimes. It always does. Do you think you can handle that?"

Edward pressed his forehead against her uninjured shoulder, his fingers moving around her waist, and chuckled as though she had said something absurdly amusing. "Yes, Bella, I can handle it. _We _can handle it. We can do anything, didn't you know?"

Bella laughed, and pressed her nose into his beautiful, soft, chaotic hair, as he burrowed himself into the crook of her neck, as though they just couldn't get close enough to each other. "I must have missed the memo."

"Well, it's true," he said matter-of-factly. "We _can_ do anything. Together."

Bella gasped quietly. Her heart was swelling with more emotion than she believed could be contained in her body. It had never felt like this before; surely her old, frail body would not have been able to survive this amount of love. It would have cracked in two.

"Yeah," she whispered, her voice almost inaudible. "Together."


	24. Daylight Falls Upon the Path

In the first few moments of waking, Bella couldn't remember why her stomach was so tightly curled with nervous excitement. Her mind was still full of the strange dream that had caused her to wake—Jake had chased her through an abandoned theatre, huge fangs dripping with blood resting against his lower lip—but she knew that it wasn't the cause of her anxiety. The dream had been rather uninspired, almost amusing with its obviousness. No, for once, the first moments of her day were not haunted by nightmares. This was something else.

It hit her, almost literally, when she tried to roll out of bed. The pain in her ribs and shoulder wasn't crippling, but it still made her gasp with shock. She pulled up her pajama top and stared at the bandages that bound her chest. Her face was blank for a long, unsettling moment, until memory resurfaced, and her skin bloomed an impressive scarlet.

She pressed her hand to her mouth to muffle the breathless giggle she couldn't contain. It felt as though her body had been hollowed out and filled with bees. Her skin hummed. It was a surprisingly pleasant sensation.

She sat on the edge of her bed for a long moment, thinking about what had happened the night before. She had to admire her own bravery. She imagined that Edward could understand at least some of the reasons that it had been so difficult for her to talk to him like she did. She hoped that he could begin to appreciate how scared she had been, so that he could begin to understand how important he was to her. She would not have risked exposing her heart for anything less than him.

Hope and fear battled in her chest, making her hands tremble against her knees. She knew that she couldn't fully trust the perfect things that Edward had said the night before, but by God she wanted to. She knew that she had risked a lot, saying the things that she had said, holding him like she always wanted to. She knew that if Edward was lying to her, if he treated her the way he used to, if he took over their relationship, made her feel small, or ran away if it got too hard, then she would be ruined. She had no misgivings about that. She knew that she was strong. She knew that she could handle a lot of things that normal people couldn't and keep smiling at the end of it, but she also knew that she couldn't handle his rejection again. Maybe that was weak of her, but it couldn't be helped. Edward had the power to destroy her.

_But he won't_, she thought belligerently. _He needs me as much as I need him. Fear was what ruined our relationship last time. I'm not going to let it rule us now._

Feeling more confident, but unable to fully stop her hands from trembling, she marched into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Waiting for the water to heat up, Bella caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She turned to stare at herself, shocked and a little amused by the face staring back. Her cheeks were stained an enticing red, her lips were wet and slightly parted, her eyes were shining like diamonds, and her hair was ruffled in a messy halo around her face. If she didn't know any better, she'd think the girl in the mirror had just had a thoroughly good fuck.

_I wish_, she thought a little ruefully as she climbed into the shower. _We didn't even kiss_…

Bella froze, the lavender scented shower gel slipping from her grip and thudding against the floor. She hadn't even _kissed_ Edward last night? She must have done, of course she did…she wasn't stupid enough to tell Edward all that and not even _kiss_ him.

She cast her mind back to the night before, trying to remember what had happened after she pressed herself up against him and asked him to help her. She had told him that she had missed him, and asked him if he truly believed that he could handle her life. He had…laughed at her, she recalled, and told her that they could do anything. Her heart skipped at the memory.

_Then what?_

Then…then they had stayed wrapped up in each other, not speaking, just breathing each other in. She couldn't remember how long they had stayed like that, but at one point she had yawned right into his ear. Bella winced. _Not very sexy._ Edward had chuckled softly and carefully disentangled himself. He had run a finger underneath her eyes and said that she must have been exhausted. Bella had started to argue, but could barely force out a few words before she yawned again. She had apologized, and he had said that it had been an unbelievably long night, and he wasn't surprised that she was tired. He had walked her to his door, an arm wrapped around her shoulders as she curled herself into his side. At the door, he had stroked her cheek, kissed her hair, and said goodnight. She had pressed a hand against his chest, over his still heart, and turned away.

_What the fuck?_ She cursed at herself, extremely angry at Past Bella who couldn't even be bothered to kiss the love of her life. Why had Past Bella been so content with a hug and a chaste peck? Where was Past Bella's game?

Anxiety reawakened in her stomach, and she busied her hands with lathering her body in an attempt to dispel some of her nervous energy. She felt extremely young and naïve all of a sudden. It was ridiculous, and she felt a little embarrassed at herself. She had kissed other people, countless times, although perhaps not particularly recently. For Bella, kissing had become something rather ordinary, almost boring. It was nothing to get particularly excited over…

But just the thought of kissing Edward made her giddy. She thought back to that day, almost a week ago, when she had practically attacked him in her kitchen. Her whole body flushed. She remembered the way his lips had felt under hers, how they had moved, how they had opened at the slightest suggestion, how his tongue had pressed against hers in her mouth…

Bella turned the temperature of the water down. Yes, that had been intense, but this felt different. It felt as though she was anticipating their first kiss. It felt like, when they kissed, it would be the start of everything.

_No pressure or anything._

Bella sighed at herself and shut the shower off. She was thinking about this way too much. She had bared her soul to him last night; surely a kiss was no big deal.

_Then why the hell can't I stop thinking about it?_

Bella buried her face into the towel and laughed at herself. She felt like a teenager again, which was both extremely disturbing and rather amusing. The bees were still buzzing somewhere in her stomach, and she felt in danger of bursting into spontaneous giggles at any moment. Maybe she shouldn't kiss Edward—it would only make matters worse.

For the first time in a very long time, Bella stood in front of her wardrobe and wondered what to wear. She felt that as though she should make _some_ kind of effort today, just to acknowledge that something had changed. She pulled out a pair of skinny jeans, stared at them and promptly threw them onto her bed. Just because she wanted to look nice didn't mean she had to be uncomfortable. Within a space of three minutes, Bella had considered and then disregarded every item of clothing she owned.

Bella stared at the pile of clothes and shook her head in disbelief. She had nothing to wear—how painfully clichéd. Refusing to spend any more time obsessing about _clothes_ of all things, Bella grabbed her most comfortable pair of baggy jeans. She vaguely remembered something Alice had said to her once about balancing baggy and tight clothes, so she grabbed a t-shirt bearing the slogan 'I Roll With the Best' that she had accidentally shrunk in the wash. She tugged at the hem, which failed to cover a good inch of skin exposed above her waistband. She thought about changing for a moment, but the fantasy of Edward 'finding' the gap between her clothes, his hands slipping under the material…no, this top would do just fine.

She ran her hands through her wet hair, took a steadying breath, and promptly cursed at herself again. She wasn't getting ready to go into battle; she was just going to see her boyfriend.

_Boyfriend_. Bella grinned to herself. Edward was her _boyfriend_. How high school.

Distracted by her thoughts, Bella opened her bedroom door and wandered into the kitchen.

_Boyfriend_. Bella repeated the word in her brain, wondering if it would ever sink in. _If anyone had told me two weeks ago that _Edward Cullen_ would be my boyfriend again, I would have sucker-punched them in the mouth, and then probably started crying. _

Bella grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and filled it with Lucky Charms, picking out and eating the marshmallows before pouring the milk.

She stood at the sink and stared out the window, marveling at how quickly everything had changed. She felt as though she had spent months struggling with her feelings, as though she had been unreasonable and unfair in taking so much time in telling Edward how she felt, but in reality it had only been six days since Edward had admitted to loving her. It had only felt like such a long time because it had always been inevitable that she would be with him, and every day fighting against her desire had felt like an eternity. But she also knew that she had needed those days, and that she wouldn't be feeling quite so excited about their relationship if she hadn't sorted through her demons first.

Not that she had been entirely successful on that front. They still had so much they had to talk about, there were so many things she had to tell him and things she had to decide on, but maybe that was all for the best. Maybe she wasn't supposed to figure everything out on her own. Maybe, as Edward had said, they were supposed to do that together.

_Together_. How bizarre.

"What are you thinking?"

Bella jumped so violently at the unexpected voice that she spilled half of her cereal down her front. She dropped her bowl, but recovered from her shock in time to catch it before it hit the floor. Although she managed to save the bowl, she also succeeded in sloshing the rest of the cereal over her hand.

"Shit-bucket," Bella hissed.

"Excuse me?"

Bella squeezed her eyes tight in embarrassment, and felt the slow burn of a blush creeping across her face. She took a steadying breath and looked up. Edward was standing a few feet away, his hand resting on a chair. Despite her mortification, Bella felt excitement flare up in the pit of her stomach. She couldn't stop her eyes from moving from his neat black sneakers, up his long, jean-clad legs, across his muscular chest so perfectly framed in a black button-down, and finally, to his face which, at that moment, looked amused, a little smug, and yet oddly hesitant.

Bella looked away quickly, depositing her now-empty bowl into the sink and rinsing her hand under the tap. She realized that she had ignored two of Edward's questions, but all of her usual rough eloquence had abandoned her and she couldn't think of a single thing to say. She forced herself to make some kind of acknowledgement of his questioning by making a strange humming noise that was pathetically high pitched and squeaky.

Despite the inadequacy of Bella's response, it must have encouraged Edward, because he tried again. "I'm surprised I managed to sneak up on you."

Bella chuckled shortly as she dabbed at the mess on her shirt with a wet cloth. "Don't get used to it. I was deep in thought."

"About what?"

Bella finally turned to look Edward fully in the eye, and said in a pointed, yet ironic tone, "I'll give you three guesses."

She expected him to smile or even laugh, but he surprised her once more. He pressed his lips together, his jaw tight, and deliberately looked away. "Oh," he muttered, a frown carving lines into his flawless skin.

Bella stared at him in confusion as the silence between them mounted. She hadn't expected this and didn't know how to deal with it. Edward wasn't being his usual, charming self, and she thought it extremely ignorant of him if he expected her to be able to carry the conversation. Surely he knew by now that, when it came to this sort of thing, she needed all the help she could get.

His gaze flickered to hers and away again almost too fast for her to catch. "How are you feeling?" he asked, his voice strangely careful, as though he were containing something too great for mere expression.

Bella tried to shrug off her bewilderment, and replied, "Yeah, I'm fine. My ribs still twinge a bit, but they're nothing like they were last night. My shoulder's practically back to normal now, so I don't have to wear that god-awful sling anymore. I really hate slings."

Edward nodded rather absently. His fingers drummed against the back of the chair, as though he was struggling to control his impatience. "That's good, but I meant…"

Understanding came to Bella like a lightning bolt, and she barely held in a harsh bark of laughter. He was unsure of _her_. Despite everything she had said last night he doubted her feelings. She fought the urge to be angry or truculent, because, if she was honest, she still had doubts of her own.

So she responded as honestly as she could, even though it dented her pride, because she was tired of playing games and hiding feelings.

"How do I feel?" she asked rhetorically, a shaky laugh in her voice. "Like a schoolgirl with a crush. Except times, like, a billion. I forgot what this felt like. I'm completely unprepared. It's not helping that you're all the way over there."

It was as though a black veil had lifted from his eyes, so suddenly and radically did they shift. He reached out a hand before he was within reach, as though he couldn't wait to touch her, as though the distance he had put between them was eradicated in his mind as soon as she had finished speaking. His fingers trailed across the back of her hand before entwining with hers, pressing their palms together so firmly that he could feel the pulse under her skin as intimately as if it were his own.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice immediately warm and full of the quiet passion that had made her fall in love with him in the first place. "I wasn't sure if—"

"I know," she interrupted, not wanting to hear him speak his fear out loud. "But if there's one thing you need to know about me, it's that I don't like liars. I may keep things to myself, and be infuriatingly reticent a lot of the time, but I only ever say what I mean. I meant every word I said last night, Edward."

His hand tightened around hers, and he had to look away in order to gather the immense feelings her words evoked in him. She smiled slightly, overcome with a strange conviction that _she_ had actually managed to dazzle _him_.

"I just wasn't…sure," he mumbled, still unable to meet her eyes, his gaze fixated on the wisp of hair curling around her cheek, and reaching toward her lips. "Last night was…really intense, and I know how much the fight upset you, and I didn't know if you had merely spoken out of the heat of the moment, or if you really meant it, and of course I wanted you to mean it, but I couldn't just come down here and—"

Bella pressed the fingers of her free hand against Edward's lips, trying desperately not to laugh at him. "You're rambling," she observed. "It's cute, but completely unnecessary."

He looked at her then, properly, his eyes unusually dark. There was something in his gaze—something she couldn't name, but understood in a silent, primal, and utterly physical way—that made her stomach jolt, as though she had missed a step. Struck dumb, Bella watched powerlessly as Edward's hand curled around her wrist. His gaze never wavering from her own, he pressed firm yet brief kisses against each of her fingertips.

The moment his lips brushed her skin, she was gone. By the time he pressed his final kiss against her thumb she could barely remember her own name. It was such an unbearably innocently intimate gesture, which was perhaps why it affected her so powerfully. She could almost feel the last of the wall she had constructed around herself crumble uselessly to the ground. Feeling vulnerable, and more turned on than she could ever remember being in her entire life, she did the only sensible thing and pulled his head down for a scorching kiss.

He met her enthusiasm equally, his lips pressing hard against hers as though he just couldn't get close enough to her. His body curled around hers, and the feel of him made her tremble, her heart crashing against her ribcage, barely managing to snatch enough breath. She clung to his shoulders desperately, knowing that she was gripping too hard, but completely unable to loosen her grip. Her head was filled with an odd buzzing sound, as though the feeling of him beneath her lips was so powerful that she couldn't handle sensation and thought at the same time. It was almost like a panic, the way her brain gave up on her.

It was only when he touched her, when his hand curled around her neck and tilted her face more affectively against his, that she realized that what she was feeling wasn't merely akin to panic—it _was _panic. His hand was so cold against her skin, too cold. His grip didn't hurt, but it was too firm, and felt suddenly and overwhelmingly threatening. His touch was too familiar, and the countless memories of other creatures holding her neck like that, mouths and teeth straining for her pulse and her life, seemed to crash into her in the same moment.

She pulled away, but not far enough to break their hold on one another. Part of her was paralyzed with this sudden excess of fear, and the other just refused to let Edward go, clinging to him as a source of comfort even as she wanted to reject him as a threat.

She felt him shift under her hands, and a shot of adrenaline and fear shot through her chest so forcefully, it took all of her limited concentration to not lash out. "Don't…don't move," she managed to force out through clenched teeth.

He obeyed immediately, and perhaps too well because the way he became so perfectly still and silent merely served as another reminder of what he was.

She tried to pull herself together, but she couldn't hold down her panic when his hand was still curled so possessively around her throat, so she said, her voice shaking with the amount of adrenaline pumping through her, "Can you…you need to move your hand, really slowly, slowly away from my neck, please."

She focused intensely on the black button right in front of her eyes, studied it so carefully that she didn't react when Edward slowly lifted his hand from her throat. She saw that a thread had become loose in the hole of the button, that it was not perfectly straight, that the edge of it was smudged with Edward's fingerprint. It was perhaps the last observation that calmed her the most, the evidence of his basic humanity, something that truly linked them—the mark of a fingerprint.

Edward must have noticed that she calmed down—either through the slowing of her heartbeat or the way her fingers stopped digging painfully into his shoulders—because he placed a hand on her waist, and leant down so that he was level with her eyes, and said, "Bella, it's—"

"No, don't even try…please stop looking at me," Bella choked, covering her eyes with her hands. She turned away so that she couldn't see the unbearably understanding look in Edward's dark golden eyes.

"Listen to me," he said almost sternly. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about, it's completely nor—"

"Shut up, please, you need to stop talking now," Bella whispered, trying her hardest not to cry. She had done terrible things, things that crawled out of the darkness and made sleep impossible, but she honestly couldn't think of a time she had felt more guilty or ashamed of herself.

She had wanted to attack _Edward_. She had been scared of _Edward_.

"God, what's wrong with me?" she asked despairingly.

She jumped when she felt Edward's hands slide around to her back, and pull her into toward him. After an excruciatingly long moment of tension, Bella forced herself to press her forehead against his collarbone. His hands gently rubbed her back, slowly extracting the poison in her body, and eventually she released a heavy breath she did not realize she had been holding, and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what happened," she breathed against the fabric of his shirt.

"Yes, you do," he said. "It was a completely normal reaction, one that I always expected you to have. I'm a vampire, Bella. You _shouldn't_ want me close to you. You _shouldn't_—"

Bella drew back again, and pointed an imperious finger against his chest, saying rather impatiently, "Oh, don't give me that old crap, Edward. I've never thought of you like that and you know it."

"But you should," he said softly, taking her hand from his chest, and twisting his fingers between hers. "I _am_ a vampire."

"No shit, Sherlock," she spat.

A flash of impatience sparked in his eyes, but he impressively held his temper. "You shouldn't be so angry with yourself. I'm not upset."

"Well, _I_ am!" She broke away from him, still frustratingly unnerved by his closeness. She ran her fingers through her hair, tugging fiercely in an attempt to control her aggravation. "You have no idea how impossible this is for me. You're Edward. _My _Edward. The idea that I can't be close to you, that I've ruined what we used to have…Christ, I forgot who you were! I couldn't think, I just wanted to hurt…is my distress amusing to you, Edward?"

Bella stared at him indignantly as he chuckled to himself, sharp sardonic humor curling about his lips.

"I'm sorry," he said, not sound apologetic in the least. "But you're being utterly ridiculous."

Bella's eyes narrowed dangerously, and she turned on her heel in order to storm out of the room in righteous anger. When Edward gripped her wrist to stop her leaving, Bella had to contain a violent urge, not, thankfully, because she was scared, but because she thought he was being deliberately and arrogantly insensitive.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed at you," he said hastily, still without an appropriate amount of apology. "But I'm right. No, listen to me. Don't you remember our first kiss? Our very first kiss?"

"Of course I remember that, you think I could forget?" she asked irritably.

"Then describe it to me. Please."

Bella rolled her eyes and sighed heavily, but decided to humor him. "We were coming back from the meadow. You were running and I was on your back. I got really dizzy and you helped me down. Then you said that you wanted to try something and told me stay really still. Then you kissed me. What about it?" she said shortly.

"Then what happened, Bella?"

Bella hesitated. She thought carefully, and as the memory unfolded in her mind, the anger and resentment seeped out of her muscles like poison being drawn from a wound. Edward felt her antagonism drain away, and dared to step closer, but he was still wary of the tense set of her shoulders.

"It's not the same," she muttered, undermining Edward's attempts to catch her eye by resuming her stare at the button on his shirt.

"Why not?"

"Because…" Bella said petulantly.

"You wanted to hurt me, didn't you?"

His tone was gentle and understanding, but she felt as though she had been thrown a hideous accusation. An accusation she couldn't deny. She wrapped her arms around her waist in an almost-forgotten gesture.

Edward took her pained silence as agreement, because he continued, still in that awfully sympathetic voice, "Believe me when I say that I know what that feels like, Bella."

"You want to hurt me because it's in your nature. It's not something you can help. I reacted like I did because of what I've done. I've _made_ myself into a monster."

Edward chuckled again as he took her right hand and soothed it out of a fist. "Shall I point out the irony of you using that particular word?"

She sighed deeply. "Please, don't."

"I told you something last night that I'm not entirely sure you heard or believed," he said, pushing his luck and stepping so close that Bella could feel his icy breath against her forehead. "Do you remember me telling you that I love you more now than I did before?"

Bella couldn't stop her lips from curving up, ever so slightly. "That was, in fact, one of the highlights of my evening. What about it?"

"I'm not sure I told you the real reason behind the intensity of my feelings. The truth is, and this may sound rather selfish of me, but I love that you can finally understand me. Before, all those years ago, I occasionally tried to explain my feelings about what I am, my guilt and shame about what I had done in the past, and how it was affecting our relationship. If you remember, you used to dismiss my concerns, or pretend that they weren't important." Bella opened her mouth to object, but the words felt false on her tongue, so she let them dissolve. "I almost fooled myself into agreeing with you. I couldn't be myself around you—my whole self, everything that I was—because I didn't think that you could understand. Now, I think you can. You have no idea how relieved I am that I can finally open up to you, let you see the truth about myself, and not feel inadequate or ashamed. So I implore that you do the same."

"You make it sound so easy," she muttered darkly. "It doesn't feel easy."

"No," Edward agreed. "Perhaps not easy. It wasn't easy when you told me about that man you hurt, but it helped to talk about it, didn't it?"

"Philip Burke," Bella whispered in way of reply. She remembered the way that Edward had listened to her story without interruption, how he had made her a cup of tea, how he hadn't been disgusted when she told him about the things she had done, not even when she told him how many vampires she had killed. Instead of being repulsed by her, he replied with a horrific number of his own that made her feel just a little bit less alone.

He must have caught the tenor of her thoughts by the softening of her expression, because he reached out, tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, and said, "You were uncomfortable around me, but you still felt like you could talk to me. You knew that, out of everyone, I would be the only one able to understand what you were going through."

"I remembered what you had told me about your past," she said softly. "About why you had left Carlisle and what you had done. I remembered how guilty you felt about it. I thought…I thought you could help me, and you did. Just by being there and listening you gave me hope, you know that?"

Edward smiled in what looked like relief, leant down slowly and pressed a light but lingering kiss against the corner of her mouth. She felt light-headed, but it was definitely not from panic. Her fingers instinctively curled through the loops of his jeans.

"I do," he murmured against her skin. "But only because you've done the same for me. So we shouldn't overreact over the little things, all right? If something bothers you, just tell me about it. I'll never judge you, Bella."

Bella reached up a hand and traced the strong line of his jaw, amazed by him. She smiled suddenly, and said, "It's annoying, isn't it?"

He frowned at her. "What is?"

"The angst. The self-deprecation. The _brooding_. It's annoying to be on the receiving end of it, isn't it?"

Edward laughed quietly, his eyes crinkling in the way that she knew meant he was sincerely amused by something. Bella laughed along, more in relief than anything. She laughed because she realized that she didn't have to be alone anymore. She could share her darkness. Somehow, impossibly, it could become a place of refuge.

"Slightly annoying, yes," he admitted finally, his finger tracing her lips as though it wasn't enough to see her smile, he had to feel it as well.

"And not at all attractive."

"I don't know," he mused. He curled a hand under her chin, bringing her face closer to his and brushing his thumb against her full bottom lip. "I rather enjoyed the pouting."

Bella raised an eyebrow in slightly shocked acknowledgement. She wasn't used to Edward being so playful, but she couldn't say, hand on heart, that she disapproved. Her tongue flicked, of its own accord, against the pad of Edward's thumb and she shivered at the dark look of desire that shimmered in his eyes.

He leant down toward her, but stopped with his mouth hovering a mere breath above hers. She waited for him to close the distance, holding her breath, her eyes closed in anticipation. When she didn't feel him move after a long moment, she let out her breath, but didn't open her eyes. She felt embarrassed, and didn't want to see the pity or—worse—wariness in his expression. Despite everything that he had said, was he really going to treat her like a bomb about to go off?

Finally, setting her face into an expressionless mask so that she could pretend that he wasn't hurting her feelings, Bella opened her eyes. Edward smiled at her, his thumb shading across her jaw, but he still didn't move toward her. She frowned at him for a long moment, taking in his content and patient expression, until she realized what he was doing. She could have laughed out loud. Since when had Edward been the sensible and supportive half of their couple, and she the melodramatic destructive agent? She didn't know whether she wanted to hug him or kick herself. Both urges felt rather powerful.

He was giving her control. Somehow, he could still sense her nervousness and discomfort, and he was being careful of overwhelming her, like he had unwittingly done before. So he was holding back, silently telling her that he was happy for her to set the pace.

She fought against the urge to just grab him and mash her face to his, because she knew that—no matter how understanding Edward was being—she couldn't stand reacting the same way she had just minutes before.

So she took a calming breath, and brought her right hand to his chest. She briefly held it over the place where his heart would have once beaten.

"Edward," she whispered, as if to remind herself.

She slid her hand over his collarbones, and then reached up to trace the straight line of his left cheekbone. Her eyes darted around his face, as if she was trying to etch it into her memory. She curved her hand around his jaw, and moved her face so close to his that it felt like he surrounded her completely.

"My Edward," she sighed.

His hand involuntarily tightened around her waist, and she felt his intake of breath as though he had taken the air from between her own lungs.

Still taking her time, Bella wrapped her lips around his bottom one. She drew it ever so slightly into her mouth, taking a moment to get used to his cold, strong and soft skin. She pulled back, opened her eyes for a second, as if to reassure herself that he was still there, and then leant forward once more, this time to pull his upper lip between her own. In what she considered a calculated risk, Bella briefly touched her tongue to his lip. She pulled away slightly, rolling the taste of him around in her mouth. It was familiar to her, but not in a frightening way. No, this time she could only feel, smell, taste _Edward_. He was just like she remembered—bright, sharp and softly addicting—but he was different as well. She could feel him in ways that she never could before. Impossibly, he felt more.

Flushed with her success, Bella smiled up at Edward, only to see how tight his jaw was and how uneven his breathing sounded. She had almost forgotten that this would be just as difficult for him, if not more so. She waited for him to relax and meet her eyes again. She was surprised, and supremely relieved, to see not a hint of embarrassment or anger in his expression after his momentary lack of control. He actually looked slightly amused. He raised an eyebrow at her, as if in challenge.

"You all right?" he asked, faux-nonchalantly, as if they were just greeting each other, and absolutely nothing of consequence had occurred in the last twenty minutes.

Bella briefly pressed her lips together against a smile, before returning with equal indifference, "Yeah, you?"

They sniggered together childishly.

"So." Bella smiled coyly at him. Or at least, that was what she was aiming for. She wasn't entirely sure that she could _do _coy. She guessed that she must have been a little successful, because Edward's gaze flickered to her lips and didn't wander for a rather flattering amount of time. "You fancy giving this another go, then?"

His smile was wicked, but his voice maintained their casual banter. "I thought so. That is, if you're agreeable?"

They moved together without another word.

They had never kissed like this before. Surely she would have remembered. They slipped between hard, urgent kisses that set her body on fire and had her fingers digging and twisting into the fabric of his shirt, and soft, languorous and teasing kisses that made her feel as if she was melting. For the first time (she was sure of it) they were truly enjoying each other. There was still tension there, deep down, and an occasional flash of impatience, evident in the way she would occasionally tug on his hair, or the slightest rumble of a growl in his chest, but it always settled.

One moment, Edward was in charge. He tilted her face more firmly against his, angling her mouth in such a way that when he applied the right amount of pressure, her lips fell open and he could feel the intoxicating heat of her breath. Another moment, Bella was pulling back slightly, pressing brief, closed mouthed kisses across his mouth and chin.

Never once did she forget who she was kissing. The fact that she was with Edward, that Edward was so close to her, teasing her, testing her and taking from her, was never far from her rather vague thoughts. His name formed a chant in her mind, as if she had to constantly be reminded of her immediate reality, in case it slithered away. Whenever this thought crept into her head, she'd press just a little bit harder against him, and he would always respond in kind. She snatched breath when she had to, losing air in quiet groans and whimpers, but she couldn't get enough of him. She didn't think that she could ever stop touching him.

How the hell had she gone eight years without this?

"Eww, gross. Get a room, you pervs."

They jumped back in surprise. They had been so wrapped up in each other they hadn't heard Diane walk into the kitchen. Bella turned to her, but the ferocity of her glare was somewhat undermined by the blush that blossomed on her cheeks.

"We…" Bella's voice came out embarrassingly croaky, so she cleared her throat, ignoring Diane's snort of laughter. "We had one until you jumped out on us."

"Jumped out at you?" Diane repeated incredulously, one of her eyebrows raised impressively high. "I couldn't have made more noise. I wanted to make sure I didn't walk in on _that_." She shivered with mock disgust. "You've put me off my breakfast."

Bella shot Edward an apologetic look, concerned that he might take Diane's teasing seriously. She needn't have worried. He was wearing such a self-satisfied smirk that Bella had to hold back a snigger. She turned back to Diane before her laughter broke out.

"Poor baby," Bella joked. "Will a cup of tea make you feel better?"

"It might go some way toward healing my trauma, yes." Diane grimaced and settled herself at the kitchen table.

Bella turned to the tea cupboard, which happened to be next to Edward's head. She put a hand on his shoulder as she perused the tea, not because she needed balance as she stretched on her tip-toes, but because it had been too long since she had touched him, and that was just unacceptable.

In the end, she just grabbed a random packet. Edward was staring at her, his face so close she could feel his cool breath against her cheek. She bit her lip against the foolish grin she could feel forming. She walked away to the kettle, feeling as though a huge balloon was expanding behind her rib cage. She felt so light she was so surprised she hadn't started floating toward the ceiling.

Bella stared at the kettle as it began to heat up, unwilling to look back at Edward or Diane until she had her unexpected surge of giddiness under control. Though, she couldn't help but smile as she listened to the two most important people in her world talk and joke together. She couldn't explain how necessary it was for them to get along, even though she knew that Diane—despite her teasing and unwavering support—was not entirely comfortable around Edward.

"I spoke to Carlisle earlier," Edward said smoothly, though Bella could still hear the smirk in his voice. "He said that he would take your cast off your arm today, if you like."

Bella heard a thump that sounded like Diane slamming her arm on the table. "Thank God. I'm getting really sick of this thing. Plus, a spider crawled into it yesterday, and I swear it hasn't come out."

"That's…" Edward hesitated, sounding unnerved. "That's really rather horrible."

"Don't be silly. He's just a spider. He's not going to hurt me, are you, Gary?" Diane peered down the top of her cast, and said in a cooing voice that would perhaps be appropriate for a baby or puppy, "No, you're not, 'cos you're a good spider, oh yes you are."

Bella's shoulders were shaking with the effort of trying not to laugh out loud. Boiling water splashed onto the counter as the kettle trembled in her hand.

"You've named the spider that has crawled into your cast?" Edward asked, understandably confused.

"Of course I have," Diane scoffed, as if the question was absurd and barely worth answering.

"And you called it _Gary_?"

"What's wrong with Gary?"

"Whenever Diane names anything, she calls it Gary," Bella told Edward, moving to pass Diane her cup of unspecified tea. "It's after Gary Lightbody. You know, he's that boring moody guy from that boring moody band, Snow Patrol. She's got an inexplicable boy-crush on him."

"Did you…I can't…" Diane spluttered for a little while in indignation, before fixing Bella with a slack-jawed scowl. "You know, I'd be much better at being straight than you. You have very questionable taste in men."

Bella grinned broadly. "I know," she said happily before kissing Edward on the cheek and pulling herself up to sit on the counter-top beside him.

His hand wrapped around her ankle. Her leg twitched uncontrollably as something like electricity shot through her. He tried to look upset at her remark, but he wasn't fooling anyone. "So, that's how it is now?" he asked petulantly, his thumb tracing circles into her skin. "We finally get together and the abuse starts?"

"Well, yeah," Bella said casually, twisting her fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck. "Obviously. Didn't you get the memo?"

The pretense fell away as they grinned widely at each other. Bella could tell that Edward was remembering—just like she was—the promise they had made to each other the night before; that they could cope with everything bad that came their way if they stuck together. Sitting there in that kitchen, connected by the slightest of touches, grinning like idiots, Bella thought that it actually could be that simple.

A soft scraping noise drew Bella thudding back down to Earth. She tore her eyes from Edward's to see Diane standing up and begin to walk away without a word.

"Hey, where're you going?"

Diane turned partly toward her, but didn't meet her eyes. Her face looked suddenly closed off, the lines around her mouth more pronounced than ever.

"Me and Gary are going to spend some quality time together," she said, trying and failing to sound light-hearted. "See you guys later."

"Come get me when you see Carlisle," Bella said quickly, before Diane disappeared completely. "We…we'll just be in the living room, so—"

"Yep, sounds good," she said dismissively. She spun around and left the room quickly, as if she couldn't stand to be in the room—with them—for a second longer.

Bella took her hand from Edward's neck and pressed her fingers against her forehead. She felt suddenly and intensely guilty.

"Are you all right?" Edward asked her softly, leaning against the counter to face her fully.

"Do you think we were being insensitive?" she muttered. "After what she's been through…"

A corner of his mouth curled into a sad smile. "I don't know. Maybe. Then again, we can't pretend this isn't happening." His hand squeezed her ankle as he spoke, showing her that 'this' was actually 'them'.

She sighed deeply, and stared off into space for a long moment. "I don't know if you wanted to do something today," she said eventually. "I know I sort of bulldozered anything you might have planned when I said we'd be in the living room, but I want to stay close, just in case."

He smiled at her reassuringly, and she stared at the tiniest hint of a dimple that formed on his right cheek. She felt a maddening desire to touch it, and then she realized that she could, so she did.

She blushed crimson when he started laughing silently, his whole body shaking with the effort it obviously took him not to laugh out loud. Apparently, just because they were now dating, that didn't mean she should start poking him in the face. Noted.

"It doesn't matter if we don't go out," he said, still chuckling. "You're always great entertainment, no matter where you are."

Bella rolled her eyes. "I'm glad I amuse you."

"So am I." She flicked his ear in irritation, but he just laughed and caught her hand before she could do it again. She felt like she could forgive him, though, when he curled his fingers around hers and looked at her in such a gentle, honest way that she held her breath. "Staying in is fine—it's great. We can hang out, watch TV, and just…be together. It sounds perfect."

In order to stop herself from saying something embarrassingly soppy, Bella leant down and kissed him firmly but briefly, right on the mouth.

She pulled back, feeling slightly dazed. She ran a finger down the side of his face, and felt him shiver.

Bella smiled. His involuntary reaction to her touch did more to reassure her than his perfect words ever could.

"So, has Alice's shopping spree extended to DVDs?" Bella asked, a lilt in her voice that Edward had never heard before. "I'm in the mood for something kind of ridiculous."

"She didn't get DVDs, but she's got…" Edward's face went curiously blank for a split second, before breaking into a massive grin. He suddenly, and rather adorably, looked as excited as a kid on Christmas morning. He mashed his lips to hers in a happy, rather unwieldy kiss, before pulling back and gushing, "I know _exactly_ what we should do. Wait here while I set it up. This is going to be so awesome."

He leant forward again for another rather unsuccessful kiss, though this time it was because Bella was too busy laughing into his mouth. He didn't seem to notice or care very much, because he just flashed her another uncharacteristically silly smile and practically sprinted out of the room.

Bella continued chuckling to herself, her legs swinging in the air in an attempt to distil the bubble of giddiness still trapped in her chest. She couldn't remember being this happy in…well, ever. Even when they had first been together, they had never joked around like this. Edward had always been too mired in his self-doubt to ever let himself get lost in the moment.

It was like their roles had reversed, except she was not quite so good at prolonged self-deprecation, and Edward was much better at dragging her out of it.

Maybe, just maybe, this time they had a real shot at something great.


End file.
